One Hundred Sleepless Nights

After that phone call with Jaime the other day, I felt off all day. Like I would feel angry then I would just turn into a sad gloomy fucker the next minute. I’ve always promised myself that I will never make any decision that I will regret in and I never break that promise. Everything I did up to this point wasn’t by accident and I didn’t just let everything go with the flow. I made my decisions based on calculated thinking, even when I got a hangover; I knew perfectly what I was doing and why I did it.

Until now.

This is the one thing I regret happening. I regret not realizing it sooner, I regret that I let this drift Cassie and I apart, and I definitely regret getting together with Jessie. I know, that sounds fucked up as hell but if I had found out about Cassie before Jessie happened, I wouldn’t have asked her out. I know I could’ve just end things with Jessie and make a move on Cassie but I couldn’t do that to her. I don’t have a reason to break up with her and if I told her that I’m going to leave her because I’m in love with somebody else, she would never forgive me. An angry ex model girlfriend is the last thing I needed in my life. I actually like Jessie, she’s fun, funny and I would love to still be friends with her. Right now all I want to do is just go to Cassie and tell her everything cause I just can’t stop thinking ‘what if’.

What if I was with Cassie? What if I realized it sooner? What if I wasn’t such a clueless fuck and none of this awkwardness happened? But what I know for sure is that if I don’t do something about Cassie, something fast, everything will go shittier by the minute. The longest time I’ve spent not talking to Cassie, before all this happened, was a week when we were on warped. Mainly because I was beat and I spent my free time writing with Vic and partying but after that I always found myself missing her and we would end up talking on the phone for hours just catching up. Now the longest conversation I’ve had with her was just exchanging “how are yous” and “how has it been goings”. It’s stupid for best friends to do that because of just one thing, well maybe it’s not stupid, but it would be stupid if I let this go on for another minute.

I realized that what I’m doing right now will only make me feel like crap, so today, on a bright and sunny Sunday, I decided to get up, take a shower, take care of my mom and head over to Cassie’s. I need to see her, I need to talk to her because all this distance between us is making me insane and I really don’t want to lose my best friend. I got dressed quickly, putting on whatever I can find and head straight to the car. I was halfway towards Cassie’s apartment when I start to realize that the decision to go over to Cassie might be a stupid one because honestly I don’t know what to say. I mean, should I just come up to her and confess everything? Or should I just come over and act like nothing happened? What would happen if I just ramble about everything? Would she slap me? Reject me? Tell me to leave?

I was too busy with my thoughts that I didn’t realize I have been sitting in the car in front of Cassie’s apartment for about 10 minutes. I put the gear in park, turned off the engine and let out a long sigh.

Here goes nothing.

I got out from the car and fixed my shirt. I looked up and stared at Cassie’s window, then suddenly the fear came back and washed all my thoughts and courage away. I hurried back into the car and locked myself in, I was breathing fast and I can feel sweat begin to form on my forehead. I closed my eyes and try to steady my breathing but it’s not working, I was gripping the steering wheel tightly until my knuckles went white. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I this afraid of talking to Cassie? My own fucking best friend!

“Get a fucking grip, pussy” I muttered to myself. I threw my head back onto the headrest and hit my steering wheel hard.

“FUCK!” I screamed and hit my steering wheel repeatedly until my hand felt numb. I’m furious at myself, at this situation, but mostly at myself. I don’t know what happened between us that made me scared to talk to her. Cassie was the only person who I can open up completely without the fear being judged, she was the only person who knew what I’ve been through after my dad died, and she’s the only person, beside my mom, that I’ve truly loved, even more than Stephanie. But now? I can’t even think about talking to her face to face without my heart rate rising.

Okay, I thought, it’s time to man up and go up there. Cassie is my best friend; she wouldn’t let this kind of thing ruin our friendship right?

I was about to get out from the car again when I saw her; I swear my heart started beating a million times faster than normal. She was getting out from the double doors, she was wearing running gear and she had her iPod strapped on her right arm.

I slumped even further down my seat so she can’t see me; she was stretching her neck when I literally felt like I had a heart attack cause I was so scared that she’ll see me. I peeked through the gap between the steering wheel and the dashboard to see whether she was still there or not, once she set off on the opposite direction, I sat back up and I closed my eyes.

Tony Perry, you’re a fucking pussy.





I looked towards the window, it’s bright and sunny out today and it just makes me feel like shit. It’s like the universe is mocking me for feeling like shit all week after what happened at Tony’s a couple of weeks ago. I looked at the clock and it says 9:30 AM, I stared at it for a while then I decided to phone Jaime, telling him I’ll be over in half an hour. I was changing into my day clothes when I decided that I’m going to go out running to Jaime’s place. Before I moved to San Diego, I used to run all the time in LA. Running helps me to think and clear my mind, and because my life was boring as hell back then, I found myself out running a lot just to kill time or to get inspiration to write. When I moved here, I run a few times before Mrs. P got her stroke, but since then, because I was too busy with work and taking care of Mrs. P, I didn’t have time to run anymore.

I changed into my light blue Nike sports bra, navy blue running shorts and my black Nike windbreakers. I dug out my yellow and gray Nike running shoes from the closet, dust them off and put them on. I fished my iPod from my purse; strapped them on my right arm and head down the stairs. I feel almost excited to run again, besides burning calories, hopefully I’ll get some sort of epiphany in how to deal with this shit with Tony. I shuffled my iPod and Avicii’s Silhouette blasted into my ears. I stretched my arm, legs and neck as I got out from the double doors and soon I set off running to Jaime’s place.

I started off with a slow pace then gradually I started to run in a more brisk pace so I’ll burn more calories and usually the faster I run, the more relaxed I get. Weird? I know. I was about to reach my 30 minute mark when I saw Jaime’s house only 500 meters away, I started to slow down and cool off by fast-walking towards Jaime’s driveway. I turned off my iPod and my running monitor when I stepped up to his front door and gave it a loud knock. It took only a few seconds until the door opens and there stood Jaime with his ever crazy hair and wide smile.

“Hey chica, come on in” He opened the door wide and let me in; I made my way straight to his living room and threw myself onto the couch.

Jaime disappeared into his room and reemerges with a small towel in hand. “Here you go, you sweaty animal” He threw the towel to my face and I laughed in return.

“So, what brings you to mi casa?” He took a seat next to me, but we were sitting opposite of each other.

“I just need someone to ramble to, I feel like I’m losing my mind”

“Well I’m all ears, Avela is out to get something from the store, so hit me up”

“Okay, I haven’t talked to Tony in weeks. It’s killing me Hime, I miss him so much it’s crazy but I feel like I’ll be making things worse by trying to talk to him” I whined.

“You crazy woman, what makes you think that it’s going to make things worse?”

“I don’t know maybe because every time we talk it’s so fucking awkward? I have no idea how he feels and it just kills me that he doesn’t know that what is happening between us is slowly killing me”

“Okay, before you go on I have something to tell you” Jaime put his hand in front of my face to stop me from talking.

“What? Jaime what did you do?” I raised my eyebrows in suspicion. This can’t be good.

“I might’ve told Tony about you and your feelings and him and everything” He said in one breath.

“YOU DID WHAT?! JAIME PRECIADO YOU IDIOT!” I threw both of my hands up in disbelief, I trusted that damn Mexican.

“Okay, one I apologize I know I shouldn’t have but in my defense, I’m doing this for your own good! You were too tense about everything; he needs to know how you feel so he can do something about it. Also, you need to get laid bitch,” He said jokingly while wiggling his finger in front of my face.

The face that has just turned crimson red because of what he said. Mostly because it’s true.

“Don’t even try to deny it Hayes, even you know it’s true,” He said again with a smug face.

“It’s been too long,” I mumbled

“What’s that?” He scooted closer to hear me better

“It’s been too long” I repeated a little bit louder, I was so embarrassed but it seemed like Jaime was enjoying it because he was all smiles and laughs.

“How long has it been? Ya know” He winked twice implying the subject.

“4-5 years” I mumbled again, looking down to my lap.

“Come again?” He looked surprised; his eyes were as big as his hair.

“IT HAS BEEN FOUR OR FIVE YEARS SINCE THE LAST TIME I GOT LAID, JAIME PRECIADO. WAS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU?” I spoke loudly and pronounced each word carefully and slowly.

He laughed really loud. “Oh God, I think I need to give you a fucking medal or something, that’s like half a decade of no fucking! How on earth can you do that!”

I was about to answer that with a very sarcastic and very ‘Cassandra’ remark when our attentions were nicked by the sound of Jaime’s phone. He was still laughing when he grabbed his phone, but it disappeared when he unlocked his phone.

“What’s wrong?” I asked curiously

“Uh, it’s Tony” He rubbed the back of his neck.

“What did he say?” I asked sounding as casual as I could possibly can.

“He’s just asking where you are, whether I’ve seen you around or not” He put his phone back onto the coffee table.

“Oh… Can’t he just text me and ask me that straight?”

Jaime didn’t say anything. He just shrugged it off.

By this point I was getting really frustrated, he can’t even talk to me straight to ask me where I was. I really fear for our friendship ‘cause I really don’t want to lose my best friend because of this. Because of love.