One Hundred Sleepless Nights

The more I thought about it, the more I hate myself for doing what I did, but at the same time I was sort of relieved. Lying here in Cassie’s bed, naked and sweaty, all I kept thinking was: 1. How I’m so fucking lucky to be here with Cassie, 2. How I’m the biggest asshole on the face of the earth for cheating on my girlfriend with my best friend.

Cassie was snuggled up cozily between my body and my arm. Her eyes were closed and her chest was rising up and down from a steady breathing. I gently brushed off the strands of hair that was sticking to her face and a million thoughts went through my mind like a rapid fire.

It was mostly fear.

I fear that I may have made yet the biggest mistake of my life, I fear that whatever decision I make will hurt both of the women I care about, I fear that even if I choose Cassie, I would end up nothing but another disappointment in her life. I think that is why I’ve been hesitant about making a real move on Cassie, the thought and the pressure of being perfect and not screwing up everything terrifies me. I know Cassie had been through a lot in life and I just feel like being with her might just add another thing to her list of ‘fucked-up things’ in life.

Plus the fact that the band tours literally 10 months out of the year, I don’t know if I could handle us being apart for that long. It’s not that I don’t trust Cassie, it’s that I don’t trust myself.

I stretched my body a bit so I can see the time on the table next to the bed; it reads 4:50 AM in red. I threw my head back to the pillow and wanted to go back to sleep but then I remembered that I actually have a girlfriend. I groaned lightly, quiet enough to not wake up Cassie and slowly slid myself away from Cassie’s grip. I tiptoed around the bed and collected every article of clothing that was discarded last night and put them on sloppily. I went around to look for a something to write on and I found a piece of paper from the wedding planning sheet Cassie had stowed in her purse and a pencil from the desk in the far end of the room.

I was about to stick the note on the pillow next to her when the door opened slowly, but still making me jump nonetheless. I quickly turned around and found a confused and tired looking Bertha standing in the doorway.

“Tony?” She whispered.

“Shit. Uh, I was just about to leave” I walked quietly towards the Bertha and the door.

“O-Okay, well… Good morning” She smiled and went inside the room, putting her pashmina on the table and kicking off her shoes.

“Um… Bertha, can you give this to Cassie? But please, please don’t read it” I handed the note to Bertha who was nodding in agreement.

“And one more thing, can you not–“

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. This is a wedding after all” She winks and I could only smiled in response, I mouthed ‘thank you’ and slowly closed the door.

I sighed and began to drag my feet towards my room. I turned the doorknob slowly, not wanting to wake Jessie up but as I stepped into the room, Jessie sat up from the bed, rubbing her sleepy eyes.

“Tone? Is that you?” She asked sleepily.

“Yeah babe, I passed out at Jaime’s room, I’m sorry” I wanted to shoot myself for being able to lie that smoothly to my own girlfriend, after sleeping with my best friend.

“It’s okay, come back to bed” She patted the space next to her, giving me a tired smile.

I kicked off my shoes and stripped down to my boxer shorts and climbed into bed with her. She draped her arm across my stomach and laid her head on my chest, falling back asleep within minutes.

The way Jessie’s body clung into mine wasn’t the same as Cassie’s. With her, it was like our body was made for each other, it was as if we we’re each other’s match. With Jessie, I just feel awkward and hot whenever she wanted to snuggle or just cuddle up after sex.

I know I may not love Jessie the way I love Cassie but I still care about her and I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. She can be annoying and clingy, most of the times but when she’s not being like that, Jessie is actually a great person and a caring girlfriend.

The morning when I woke up, Jessie was in the shower and her suitcases were packed. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion as I made my way towards the steaming hot bathroom.

“Babe?” I called out and within seconds Jessie popped up from behind the curtain.

“Yeah? Did I wake you?”

“Nah, why are your suitcases all packed? Are you leaving?”

“I told you last night at the party” She laughed, “I have a casting call today at 2 so I have to drive back to San Diego and get ready for the casting”

“Oh”

“You don’t have to come with me if you still want to spend time with your friends here, I’m sure Cassie wouldn’t mind giving you a ride home?”

I cringed when I heard Cassie’s name as it reminds me of last night. I shook my head, “I’ll come with you, I have to drive my mom to the hospital today” I lied, again.

“Alright, go pack then” She smiled and shooed me away from the bathroom.

I packed all my belongings in the duffel bag I had brought and took a short shower after Jessie finishes. All I kept thinking was to get out of here as soon as possible without running into Cassie in the process.

“Let’s say bye to everybody before we go, yeah? They’re having breakfast downstairs at the café,” Jessie said as she picked up her luggage and rolled it out of the room.

I groaned in my head because this is exactly why I wanted to leave early, but I agreed anyways. I was just praying that Cassie wasn’t there.

When we entered the café, I quickly scan the room for Cassie and thankfully she wasn’t there. There were only Jaime, Avela, Rachel and Vic and they were all sitting on the table, looking as dead as a zombie.

“Hey guys” Jessie waved once we were close enough to their table. They turned their heads to our direction and waved.

“You two joining us for breakfast?” asked Rachel.

Jessie shook her head. “No, we actually want to say thank you to Mike and Frenchi. We’re heading home early, I have a casting call at 2 and Tony has to take Mrs. P to the hospital for her check up”

“Tone?” Avela raised her eyebrows, saying as if she doesn’t believe what Jessie said.

“Yeah, it’s her time for her check up and I felt bad leaving her alone. She wishes she was here though, she just wasn’t feeling that okay this weekend”

Everybody nodded hesitantly and I knew that they didn’t believe a single thing I said. I readjusted the strap on my duffel bag on my shoulder, trying to find a more comfortable position.

“Well, we better get going before we hit traffic, right baby?” Jessie turned her head back to me and I nodded in response. We all said our goodbyes and head out of the cabin.

Once we got in the car, I texted both Mike and Frenchi to thank them and apologize for leaving earlier than everyone else. I buckled up my seat belt and drove out from the ranch.

“What was up with everybody back then? It was so weird” Jessie broke the silence as we entered the highway.

“What do you mean?” I asked, not really interested about the conversation.

“I don’t know, maybe it was just me, but I felt like they were like looking at us all weird and suspicious”

“Hmh, I didn’t notice” I lied. Of course I did, they didn’t buy a single thing I said about taking my mom to the hospital.

“Well, whatever. I’m so excited about this casting call, if I get this I’ll probably get to go back to New York for the promo” She claps excitedly and grinned at my direction.

“What is the promo for?”

“Agent Provocateur, it’s a lingerie thing” She smirked and nudged my elbow.

I chuckled. “A lingerie thing?”

“Yeah, and if I aced New York, I might be sent to the Maldives to shoot their swimwear collection” She grinned even wider.

“Well, I know you’re going to ace it” I reached out my hand to pull her closer and gave her a kiss on her forehead.

“You know, if I got the Maldives gig… You can come with me,” She said quietly, but hopefully.

“You know we’re going to record soon, Jess” I looked at her with a sorry smile.

“But it’s only for 4 days!” She pouted.

“When is it?”

“Well, next week is the New York gig, so probably the week after that” She grinned again.

I smiled. “We’ll see okay, you just focus on getting the New York gig first”

I don’t really want to go on a getaway with Jessie, but I thought it would be good excuse for me to lay low for a while and avoid Cassie.

I know. I know it’s a pussy move but I don’t think I can bring myself to face Cassie right now, or anytime soon for that matter.





I can feel the sun shining through from the curtains and straight to my face, making my face feel hot and uncomfortable. I was afraid to shift my body because I didn’t want to wake Tony up.

I realized that I was literally butt naked under the comforter and chuckled in my head as last night’s events replayed in my head. I knew the moment I did it; I had become my mother. The only thing that was different with me was that I didn’t feel any guilt whatsoever. I feel like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and for the first time in months, I woke up with a smile on my face.

I quietly and slowly turned around, wanting to watch him while he sleeps. It was weird, I know, but there’s something about Tony that you just can’t get enough of. I turned around, hoping to see Tony’s face sleeping soundly next to me, but all I found was an empty bed and the pillow was on the floor.

I sat up and looked around, looking for any signs of Tony, but there was none. I grabbed my robe from the floor and walked towards the door, as I was about to open the door, I heard the bathroom door opened and closed.

“Cassie?”

I quickly turned around and found Bertha wrapped in a towel, fresh out of the shower.

“Oh, hey”

“What are you looking for?”

I hesitated but I decided to ask her anyway. “Did you happen to see somebody walking out of this room?”

“Oh, you’re looking for Tony?” she smiled.

I nodded shyly, and then she began to rummage through her purse. She fished a piece of folded paper and handed it to me.

“He left at about 4 in the morning, and he asked me to give this to you. Don’t worry, I didn’t read it” She smiled, grabbed her clothes and went to the bathroom to dress.

Suddenly out of nowhere, I had this knot in my stomach that was twisting my insides. I felt sick and I know that something was about to go awfully wrong. I sat down slowly on the edge of my bed and unfold the paper; it was decorated by Tony’s messy handwriting, and I began to read.

Cassie,

I’m sorry I had to leave, I didn’t know what else to do.
Last night was amazing and I really, really had a great time with you.
But I also realized that last night was a mistake and I’m really sorry for making you do what you did.
I don’t want to be another thing that fails you in life, because honestly I don’t think I’m ready to face
that.
Just know that I fucking love you and if I could, I would choose you.

I love you Cassie, and I’m sorry.

Tony.