Passenger Seat

“You know, as much as I love getting gifts, you didn’t have to get me all this you know,” Blue said as she looked at all the random stuff I had bought her in LA. I’d been home for 2 days, but I had slept for most of it, and had works so she had to wait patiently for me to give her the souvenirs.

I shrugged, “I know. But I felt really homesick and I just filled the void with shopping.”

She nodded as she started emptying her old purse to start filling the new one I got her, “Have you talked to Niall?”

By her tone, I knew why she was asking. On the drive home after she picked me up from the airport I told her all about the drama with Demi and the party and all that. “Vaguely, I replied to one of his texts earlier. I’ve been sleeping mostly.” I left out the part where I had avoided all his calls since my plan landed in London.

She shot me a look, “You need to get over whatever you may or may not have seen. He told you that you had nothing to worry about so just let it go.”

“I know,” I sighed. “It’s just hard. Like… I love him so much, and I trust him it’s just…” I sighed again, not being able to find the right words.

“Are you afraid of losing him?”

I shrugged not looking at her, “I guess so.”

“Well then shutting him out is definitely not the right tactic,” she scoffed.

“I’m not,” I shot. “I’m just not in a complete hurry to talk with him. Texting and talking on the phone makes me miss him more. And I hate it. I hate that I’m so attached to him!”

Blue didn’t respond right away. Instead she focused on her purse. “You know what it sounds like to me?”

I shrugged, “What?”

“Like you’re trying to find a reason or a flaw in your relationship or something. A reason to pull away. Like you want an out.”

“That’s not…” I sighed, “I don’t want ‘an out.’”

She sent me a sympathetic look, “Maybe you don’t realize you’re doing it, but I know you Ayden, and I see what you’re doing. Don’t fuck up something good. That boy loves you and he poured his heart out to you trying to convince you that you have nothing to worry about, so unless something big happens, you need to let it go.”

I bit my lip staring down at my hands. Maybe she was right, maybe this was my warped mind’s way of trying to escape. Pulling away when someone gets too close. This needed to change, and now. “You’re right,” I nodded looking back up at her, “Maybe I am making a massive deal over nothing.”
She gave me a sympathetic look and a small smile, “I’ve just seen you do this before Ayd, and I just want to see you happy. And Niall makes you happy.”

“I know. God, I know he does,” I sighed. “I wish I could just turn my brain off and get rid of all these walls I have.” I paused, trying to collect my thoughts, “It’s hard to be with someone who’s so much in the public eye too. The most I had to deal with when I was with Josh were the fans. Not pap’s and magazines and all this other craziness. It’s a bit overwhelming at times.”

Blue reached over and squeezed my hand, “That’s what I’m here for babe. And Jenny, and the other girls dating the other lads, they understand your situation better than even I do. You just have to learn to talk instead of bottling it all up.”

“I’ll try and work on that,” I promised.

“Good,” she smiled triumphantly, “So what are we having for dinner? I’m starved!”

*****

Later that night I was curled up watching Control, the movie about Ian Curtis from Joy Division. It was right at the end where he kills himself and I was already a mess of tears. This movie got me every time!

My phone ringing pulled my attention away from the screen. Niall’s name flashed across my screen. I bit my lip. I know I should talk to him. I honestly missed hearing his voice and avoiding his calls wasn’t helping anything. The conversation I had with Blue earlier flashed through my mind before I finally answered the phone, “Hey,” I sniffed.”

There was a long pause before he said anything, “Are you crying?”

I sniffed again, trying to contain myself, “No, well yes but it’s because of this movie I’m watching,” I explained.

I heard him let out a sigh, “Oh, okay.” There was another moment of silence, “Why have you been avoiding my calls?” He didn’t sound mad. It was worse, he sounded genuinely hurt.

I shut the tellie off and I was blanketed in darkness, “I haven’t-”

“Don’t lie to me Ayd,” he said softly.

My heart hurt by the agitation in his voice. “I’m sorry,” I said quickly.

I heard him sigh, “Are you still mad about Demi?”

“Yes and no,” part of me just wanted to deny it, but what was the point? I curled into my blankets more, “It’s that, and just… talking on the phone makes you being away so much harder. It’s a massive reminder that you’re far away and I hate it.” I felt the need to cry but I sucked back that urge. I didn’t want to cry over the phone to him. I promised him I wouldn’t. For some reason I thought I could handle this like a champ, and just control my emotions. If only I had known.

“I’m sorry babe,” he finally said after a pause. “I know this is hard, it’s hard on me too. And when you wouldn’t answer my calls, and your texts were becoming fewer, it freaked me out. You’ve only just left my side and it’s like you’re pushing me away. Please don’t push me away. Please.”

“Okay,” I whispered.

“If you’re mad at me, tell me. Yell at me, cry, anything,” he continued, “Just don’t avoid me. That’s the worst thing you could do to me when I can’t easily just show up at your door and demand your attention.”

“Okay, I will,” I insisted. “I’m sorry for avoiding you, I’ll try to change that. It’s just hard, this is all new to me and I didn’t think this would affect me this hard. I didn’t anticipate falling for you this fast or this deep. It’s a bit overwhelming Niall. I’m used to pushing people out before they get this close.”

“Believe me when I tell you that I completely understand. I’ve been the same way. We’re the same, it’s why we work so amazingly well together. So let me help you, we can figure it all out together, yeah? We only have to get through 5 more days.”

I groaned, “Five days is so long.”

“Not if you actually answer your phone,” I could hear the smile in his voice. “And we can Skype tomorrow. If you want to I mean.” I bit my lip. I wanted to see his face, but I didn’t want to lose control of my emotions if I saw him. I didn’t know what to expect. “Ayden? Hello?”

“Yeah, I’m here,” I must have been quiet longer than I thought. “I’d like to Skype, I just,” I sighed, “I don’t know how I’ll react.”

“What does that mean?”

I huffed out a small groan, “I promised you I wouldn’t cry because you were leaving or away, but I didn’t anticipate this… longing. I don’t know if I can Skype with you and not lose my shit.”

I heard him chuckle softly, “Ayden, my love, I don’t care if you cry. It’ll suck to see if you do, but I don’t care. I want, well I need to see your face to make sure you’re okay. You owe me, you didn’t answer my calls for two days, this is the least you could do.”

I rolled my eyes at his last comment, “Okay.”

“Do you work tomorrow?”

“No.”

“So can I Skype call you at 5 London time? We’ve got radio interviews all morning here.”

I nodded even though he couldn’t see me, “Yeah, that’s fine.” I yawned.

“Good. I love you, yeah? Avoiding each other ends now.”

I scoffed, “So bossy. I love you too.”

“Go to sleep love. I’ll see your face tomorrow.”

“Goodnight Ni.”

“’Night Ayd.”

*****

I was cleaning (more like dancing) around my flat, blasting Four Letter Lie when Dakota walked through the door.

“I’ve been knocking for like 5 minutes!” she yelled over the music.

I ran over to turn the stereo way down, “Sorry, you know me, I like my music loud.”

She rolled her eyes, but smiled nonetheless, “Wanna get lunch?”

“Yeah, just let me go change.”

Kota and I found ourselves at the Mexican restaurant down the street from my flat. I told her all about the VMA’s and what happened with Niall at the party after.

“I was wondering why the media is saying you were in a love triangle with Niall and Harry,” she smiled, rolling her eyes.

I scoffed, “We shared a cab, which obviously means I’m a band slut.”

“Don’t listen to any of that,” she warned. “We all know the truth, and that’s all that matters.”

“I know,” I nodded.

“Di you and Niall work everything out?”

“Yeah, I guess,” I shrugged.

She reached over and grabbed my hand, “Just be careful with that, yeah?”

“Uh, yeah I know.”

“No you don’t,” she shook her head, sitting back up, “I’m sure their publicist would love for Niall to date another popstar rather than you, so just watch your back.”

I gave her a questioning look. That made no sense at all, “What are you going on about?”

A look of alarm flashed across her face I almost wasn’t sure I saw it, “Nothing, just trying to give you advice. Don’t worry about it though.”

“Are you sure-”

“How is Harry?” she interrupted.

It was obvious she was trying to change the subject, and as much as I wanted to know what she was going on about I just decided to humor her. I shrugged, “Still bummed over your breakup.”

“He seeing anyone?”

“What?” where did that come from? “You’ve only been broken up for like 2 weeks, of course he’s not seeing anyone.” I decided, for now, to leave Taylor Swift out of it.

She shrugged, pushing her food around, “Just wondering you know?”

I sighed, “If you still care, maybe that’s a sign that things aren’t over.”

“You don’t understand Ayden.”

“Maybe I would if you explained it to me,” I said softly.

She gave me a forced smile, “I appreciate you trying to help, I really do. But it’s a lost cause, yeah?”

I bit my lip, “Okay,” I said letting it drop, “If you say so.”

*****

“Is that my jumper?” was the first thing Niall said when our Skype call connected.

I glanced down at what I was wearing, “Yeah, it may have belonged to you at some point,” I smirked at the screen.

He scoffed, “You’re lucky it looks better on you than me.”

“Not like you’d get it back either way,” I shrugged.

He chuckled and leaned his head on his hand. From what I could tell he was lying on his hotel bed. “I miss you,” he said turning the conversation serious.

“Don’t,” I warned. “You’ll make me get all emotional and I don’t want that.”

He stuck his lower lip out in a pout, “Do you not miss me?”

His ridiculousness caused me to giggle, “Yes I miss you. Happy now?”

“Extremely.”

Okay, as long as we kept the conversation light, I think I’ll be okay. “How is your day so far? It’s like a little after 1 in the afternoon yeah?”

He nodded, “Yeah, its good. Had radio interviews all morning, I’m knackered.”

“Maybe you should nap then.”

“I’d rather be tired and see your face then sleep.”

I rolled my eyes, “You’re always so cheesy Ni!”

“I can’t help it. You make me like this!”

I scoffed, “No, you do this all on your own.”

He shook his head at me, “So how’s your day been?”

“Good. Did some cleaning around the flat, and then had lunch with Kota.”

“How’s she doing?”

I took a moment to come up with an answer, “She’s… I don’t know. She’s acting weird.”

Confusion blanketed across his face, “Weird how?”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged. I bit my lip, “I told her about the party,” I saw him wince at my words, “And she mentioned your publicists and just told me to watch my back.”

I couldn’t gage the look on his face. I couldn’t tell if he was offended, angry or confused. “Right,” he dragged out. “You now you have nothing to worry about right?” he said after a moment.

I didn’t want to talk about this, “I know,” I said quickly. “Let’s not talk about it.”

He sighed, “We can’t just ignore stuff like this Ayd.”

“I know. I just don’t want to talk about it right now. When you’re back, in front of me in person, fine, we can talk about it. Just not right now, like this.”

“Okay.”

We stayed on Skype for about an hour, just talking about nothing really. Just enjoying the cyber time we had together. He had to go before I was ready though.

“I’ll text you, yeah? And call me before you go to sleep, and hopefully we can talk for a bit.”

I sighed, “Okay.”

“Don’t give me that look Ayden,” he whined, “I hate seeing you sad.”

I threw on a fake smile, “Sorry.”

“Never mind, the fake smile might be worse.”

I dropped the smile and tried to keep my face void of emotion, “Well, let’s just hang up then so you don’t see me make a face you don’t like,” it came out harsher than I intended, but I couldn’t help it.

“Hey, don’t be like that.”

I ran my hands over my face, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

“’S alright.”

“Let’s just hang up and I’ll text you okay?” I could feel tears wanting to come. Out of frustration more than anything, but trying to say goodbye to him wasn’t helping any.

He nodded, “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I’m expecting a text as soon as we get off babe,” he smiled.

I rolled my eyes, “Okay. I’ll see you later.”

“4 days.”

“4 days,” I sighed.