Disgusting

Jake was sleeping. I felt sick. I stared at his body: his long back, his broad shoulders, and the curly tangles of hair that swept along his neck. I could hear him breathing.

I hurt everywhere and I felt almost humiliated. Jake and I had decided that because it was Jake’s first time, I would take. Jake wasn’t really sure what he was doing and even though I tried to walk him through it, he was still a little bit rough with me, which was fine during the act, but wasn’t exactly feeling too nice now that it was over.

I clenched my teeth as I stood up, trying not to move the bed too much so Jake wouldn’t wake up. I needed a shower and there was no way that I was going to wait for Jake.

I shuffled out into the hallway in only my boxers. I could hear my cousins talking down in the kitchen. I decided to go say hey to Seth at least. I still didn’t care much for Kate.

As soon as I stepped into the kitchen Seth spoke. “Jesus who buried you alive?”

“What?” It was too early for jokes.

“You look like you just crawled out of a grave somewhere.”

“Thanks.”

“And holy hell do you stink,” Kate said as she walked out of the room.

Seth rolled his eyes. “Sometimes I regret being related to her.”

“Like you had a choice.”

Seth shrugged.

“So you smell like sex.”

“Yeah. Probably.”

“Are you going to introduce us to the beau?”

“Not until he wakes up.”

“Well I’m looking forward to meeting him. You always pick the most interesting boys.”

“Right. I’m gonna hit the shower.”

“You do that. It’s a good idea.”

I went to the shower after hobbling up the stairs. My thighs, among other things, were sore.

The hot water felt amazing on my bruised shoulders and sore muscles. I didn’t want to leave the shower ever. It was safe and warm and I didn’t have to face Jake while I was in the shower. The water started to get cold and that’s when I was forced back into reality.

I got out of the shower and wiped condensation off of the mirror. I stared at my reflection. I felt as if I looked older somehow. I sort of imagined myself with gray hair and almost laughed just because it was actually silly.

There was a knock on the bathroom door.

“Hunter!” It was Kate. “I need the bathroom.”

“Sure.”

I decided that it was time to face Jake. When I went to my room he was still asleep. I lay next to him in my small bed. He stirred a little, but didn’t wake up. I traced the ridge of his spine with my finger. His skin broke out in goose bumps and he turned his head to look at me with sleepy eyes.

“Good morning,” he whispered.

“Good morning.”

I moved my finger to each one of the scratches on his shoulders from last night. I touched each one lightly. Jake sighed.

“Why aren’t you talking?” he asked.

“What do you mean?”

“You haven’t been a smart-ass to me yet.”

“You’ve been up for three minutes.”

“Exactly. You’re either getting slow or something is wrong.”

“Nothing is wrong,” I said, but my voice faltered. I couldn’t have convinced anyone.

Jake didn’t press me though.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Sore.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“Hunter?”

“Yeah?

“You’re really attractive.”

“Not really.”

“I think you’re everything I could ever want.”

That was exactly the kind of talk that scared me.

“You’ve never had anyone else.”

“I don’t need to.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

“I love you Hunter.”

I was frozen. “Love you too,” I managed to mumble. Then I faked a yawn, hoping that Jake would think I was still sleepy. He bought it and relaxed next to me.

“Thanks for everything Hunter.”

“Yeah.”

I was shaken awake a little while after I actually did fall asleep again. Jake sat on my hips.

“What?”

“I was getting bored.”

I groaned.

Jake kissed my neck. I didn’t push him away because I didn’t want him to think that something was wrong, but if things went as far as they went the night before, I was definitely going to push him off. There was no way anyone was going anywhere near my ass for a while.

Jake kissed along the bruises on my shoulders. “I’m sorry,” he whispered between touches. “Don’t worry about it,” I said, even though each bruise hurt a little every time that I moved.

Jake had repeatedly squeezed my shoulders and pushed me up against my headboard until my skin had turned black and blue. It was such a turn on while it was happening, but I was beginning to regret it now. I assumed that Jake probably felt the same way about the scratches on his back.

“My cousins want to meet you,” I said to Jake.

“Yeah and they can wait can’t they?”

“I guess.”

“Hunter?” Jake asked. He stopped touching me.

“What?”

“Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I just don’t feel well.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“You can tell me anything.”

I bit my lip. “Jake.”

“Yeah?”

“I can’t do this. I feel guilty.”

“Why? There’s nothing you should feel guilty about.”

“I’ve taken away everything from you and I’m sorry.”

“Hunter, it’s not a big deal.”

“You’re like, not a virgin anymore.”

“Yeah whatever.”

“Jake, it’s a big thing.”

“Not really. Hunter, it’s what I wanted okay?”

I sighed.

“Can we get something to eat?” Jake asked.

“Yeah. Good idea.”

Jake got out of bed. I watched him, studying his body. He didn’t look fourteen. He pulled up his boxers from off of the floor and then stretched.

Jake looked at me. “Are we okay?”

“Yeah.”

I wasn’t sure, but I didn’t want to ruin Jake’s morning just because I was unsure of things right then.

We went downstairs.

Seth was in the kitchen reading a magazine. He looked up and let out a small whistle.

“So here are the two loudest teenage boys on the face of the planet.”

Jake’s cheeks started to flush. I just glared at Seth.

“I’m just kidding. I only heard Hunter.”

I rolled my eyes. Jake touched my hand.

“So Seth, this is Jake. Jake, Seth.”

Seth waved and went back to his magazine.

“We have cereal and cereal,” I offered to Jake.

He smiled. “I’ll go with cereal.”

I reached up to the top cabinet to get a bowl and Jake trapped me into the corner. “Tell me what’s wrong,” he said quietly.

“I told you.”

“What’s really bothering you?”

I bit my lip. I didn’t want to tell him because I didn’t want to ruin things, but I didn’t want to ruin things by not telling him either.

“Jake.”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t really love you, I don’t think.”

Jake just stared at me.

He backed away. “So you’ve been lying to me this whole time?” He asked this loudly and Seth looked up from his magazine with concern on his face.

I didn’t say anything to Jake, I just watched him go upstairs, presumably to get his stuff.

Seth shook his head. “You fucked up,” was all he said.

I bit my lip.

Jake came back downstairs and stood in front of me.

“I thought you loved me,” Jake said. His voice broke. I wanted to stroke his hair and tell him I was so sorry and beg him to forgive me, but my ego was too big for that.

“I thought I did too.”

“I’m just embarrassed now.”

“Same.”

I wanted to kiss him one last time. I touched the side of his face, but Jake pushed me back into the counter and walked out.

Seth set down his magazine.

“Holy shit.”

I sank down to the floor and stared at the linoleum tiles.

“I fucked up so bad.”

“I’m sorry,” Seth said.

“Don’t worry about it,” I said, peeling myself up off of the floor and making my way upstairs.

There was only one way that I knew of to deal with the pain. I took out my phone and did the one thing I thought that I’d never do again.