The Pros and Cons of Breathing

*A year has passed and no change in Frank. At first Gee visited every day, all day. Now he visits once or twice a week and has somewhat moved on, having accepted Frankie isn't gonna wake up. His new band MCR has recently made a album and is going on Warped Tour in two weeks.

Gee's P.O.V

I entered the cold hospital room, sighing. It had become somewhat a chore now. I couldn't bring myself not to visit Frank, yet it killed me to visit him. His mom refuses to pull the plugs, but it isn't as if Frank's on oxygen. He's fine except for the in a coma bit. If you looked at him you'd think he was sleeping. But he isn't and that isn't going to change.

He "slept" on his bed which, I thought, would soon be his death bed. Or would he stay in his coma until he was old and gray? Would they let him?

I sat by his bed and held it milky white hand. His fingers didn't grip back but it was some comfort to feel the warmth radiating off of it.

"Mikey and I leave soon, baby." I whispered. "I wanted you to wake up so you could come with us... but it isn't happening, is it? You're never gonna wake up."

I sighed and felt tears fill my eyes. That hadn't happened in months, since I began seeing my therapists. Two, yes. I'm so fucked up I need two.

"I wanna hate you, Frankie, but I can't. I wanna hate you for leaving me all alone. I did, anyway. Now I'm past that. Baby, I just want you to wake up. If you wake up I won't leave. I'll do anything, baby. Your dad won't bother you and, you know what, you're mom likes it. Us, I mean. And Ray and Matt, remember them? They want you to join the band too. Remember we talked about how bad ass that would be?"

There was no response from Frank and I sighed and kissed his knuckles.

"Okay, babe. I'm gonna go now." I sighed and, after wiping my eyes, kissed his dry lips. "I love you, Frank... I'll see you in a few days."

He remained still.

4 Months Later…
Gerard’s P.O.V

“This song is called… Vampires Will Never Hurt You…” I said breathlessly, stepping closer towards the audience. Mikey began to play the beginning chords followed by Ray, and then Matt kicked in with the drums.

“And if they get me and the sun goes down into the ground
And if they get me take this spike to my heart and
And if they get me and the sun goes down
And if they get me take this spike and
You put the spike in my heart-”

Brian, our manager, was now standing at the edge of the stage, a apprehensive look on his face. This was our last song and I knew something must have been up, or he wouldn’t have been just standing there. Usually he was in back with all the other managers, talking and drinking. Drinking, which I had began to do again. Along with taking three times the prescribed amount of Xanax. That’s what being in a famous band with a boyfriend in a coma does to you.

“And as these days watch over time, and as these days watch over time
And as these days watch over us tonight
And as these days watch over time, and as these days watch over time
And as these days watch over us tonight.”

I wondered what Brian could possibly be going to tell us. It obviously wasn’t too bad. My first thought had been Frank’s dead but if that had happened Brian would have stormed onto the stage, led me and Mikey off, then told us quietly in the privacy of our band. Not waited, that apprehensive and confused look on his face, on the side of the stage.

“Thank you very much, San Francisco! Good night!”

We all ran off the stage quickly so the crew member could get our instruments.

“Gerard!” Brian waved me over and I went, suddenly feeling like I was on my way to my funeral. “C’mon, let’s go to the van.”

Oh no… Frank is dead.

“Wh—.”

“Nothing bad, Gerard. I just want some privacy.” Brian put a hand on my back and led me to our van. He climbed in and I climbed in after him.

“W-What’s going on, Brian?”

“Now before I tell you I want you to know that you have plane tickets to Jersey for ten AM tomorrow and you need to be at the local airport by seven.”

“Is someone dead?” Is Frank dead?

“A woman named Linda called about half an hour ago, Gerard.”

I closed my eyes, preparing myself. Frank is dead. He’s gone.

“Her son Frank… your boyfriend, I guess… he woke up last night.”

My eyes snapped open. “What?”

“Frank is awake, Gerard!” Brian grinned. “You’ll be able to see him tomorrow afternoon.”

“You’re fucking kidding me.”

“No, I’m not. Now go clean yourself up while I tell the guys, okay?”

I nodded and, feeling dazed, made my way towards the showers. It was amazing, what could happen sometimes.

Frank’s P.O.V

“You are very lucky, Mr. Iero, I’ll tell you that.” A big fat man in a white doctor’s coat said, testing my reflexes. I fought the urge to kick him in the balls when the cold metal roughly banged against my knee. I was certain he did it too hard out of spite, not that I’d done anything to make him. Except punch him in the nose when he tried to take my gown off to listen to my breathing. “Not many people can stay in a coma for a year and a half and wake up with no visible side effects. Perfect speech, reflexes, you seem to be able to sit up fine and use both sides of your body, meaning there was no paralysis.”

“Yeah, I— year and a half?!”

“Yes, Mr. Iero. A year and a half. You’ve had quite a lot of visitors, of course. Your one friend with the dark hair visited every day all day for a while. He didn’t seem to want to give up that you would wake up…”

“Didn’t?”

“Oh, he calls all the time to check on your status from his cell phone when he can. It’s hard, I suppose, to call everyday with all the traveling.”

This made no sense and I was suddenly sure he wasn’t talking about Gerard, whom I haven’t seen since I woke up four hours ago.

“Your mother called him though and his boss said he would be here tomorrow around five.”

“My mom? His boss?”

“Maybe your mother can answer all of these questions for you, Frank. What I need you to do is rest. If you exhaust yourself you could slip back into your coma and we don’t want that to happen. I’ll send your mother in shortly.” Then the guy turned and left, making me more confused than ever. My mom came in and I looked down. She was probably so mad at me for trying to kill myself last nig—last year. Had it really been a year and a half?

“Oh, Frank. I thought I’d never get to see your eyes open again.” She cried, pulling me close. I hugged her back feeling the same déjà vu as I had the last time I’d tried—and failed—to commit suicide. Why had I even killed myself?

Oh, yeah. Dad. And not being able to see Gerard. Wasn’t mom mad?

“I’m…”

“Shh, Frank. Let’s not even think about it, okay? How are you feeling?”

“I dunno. Stiff.” I mumbled, stretching my arms out in front of me. I heard a pop and cringed, but my arms felt better. I did the same with my legs. “Mom, why is Gerard traveling?”

“Oh, sweetie, it’s wonderful. His band, remember? With the Matt and Ray kids? Well Mikey began playing bass shortly after…. The accident… and they got recognized. They’ve got a second CD coming out later this year and they’re on Warped Tour. They were in California when you woke up. His manager got plane tickets and he’ll be here tomorrow around five.”

“…Oh.” Suddenly I felt lonely. Gee had moved on. Left me. He didn’t love me anymore. He had given up on me. Given up on us.

“No, it isn’t that, sweetie.” Mom said, obviously reading my thoughts. “He wanted so bad to stay with you, Frank. He was torn up inside but everyone convinced him it would be best. Frank, we thought you weren’t going to wake up.” She stroked my bangs out of my face. They were much longer that they had been. “He loves you very much, Frank. This was very hard on him.”

I sighed and laid down, pulling the covers over me. “I didn’t mean to hurt everyone. Again.”

“I know, sweetie.” She kissed my forehead. “Soon your sisters will be able to come too. They’ve gotten so big it is unreal. And Kaylie cut her hair like Snow White’s, to her shoulders. Of course she hates it but she begged and begged….”

“Mom, can I call Gerard?” I interrupted.

“Frank, I don’t know if that would be a good idea. Maybe you ought to wait and see him tomorrow.”

I sighed and wrapped my arms around myself, wanting nothing more than to talk to Gee.

The Next Day…
Frank’s P.O.V

Well, they did warn me that he’d changed. But I hadn’t expected this. He had lost tons of weight, his hair was long and—though fairly oily—very sexy, and his skin was tan. There were also, however, cuts on his wrists and I could tell by looking in his eyes that he was on something.

He approached me very slowly and awkwardly and I found myself wishing Mom hadn’t excused herself. This was awkward—too awkward to handle. This was the man I loved and every time I opened my mouth nothing came out. Unless you count the squeaks.

Finally he was at the bed and had taken my hand in his. His hands were shaking and I put my other hand on top of his so his was in between both of my hands.

“I love you.” He said in a shaky voice.

“I love you too.” I pressed my lips to his and reveled in the feeling of his arms sliding around me.

Then I could taste the alcohol and I pulled away quickly and slapped him hard across the face. He looked shocked and his hand flew to the now red handprint. “What the fuck, Frank?”

“You’re drunk!” I hissed. “How dare you get drunk?”

“How dare you try to fucking kill yourself and leave me all alone! You were all I had, Frank!” Gerard hissed back, tears filling his eyes. “I don’t fucking believe you have the nerve to do that after all I’ve done for you! I thought you loved me!”

“You don’t understand and you never could!” Now I was crying, hating myself for doing this to Gerard and hating him for going back to drinking and only God knows what else.

“This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have come here. Too much has changed.”

My sobs hurt now, leaving me feeling week and my chest burning. “Gerard, don’t leave. I’m sorry.” I wailed. He was already at the door, handle on the knob. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” I sobbed and I knew my face must be red and I could taste the salty tears on my mouth.

Gerard paused and took a deep breath. I knew, just knew, he was crying too.

“I love you, Gerard.” I sobbed.

His shoulders rose and fell with another deep breath. “I love you too, Frank.” He said quietly, still not looking at me. “But I don’t think we can be together anymore. Too much has changed.”

And then he turned the knob and left.

Later That Day
Frank’s P.O.V

I cried onto my mom’s shoulder helplessly and she held me, rubbing my back and assuring me everything would be okay.

“I love him, mom. “ I sobbed.

“I know you do baby. I’m sorry this happened, baby. I wish I knew what to do.”

I lay there, crying, until I fell asleep.

Two Days Later…

Even though I seem to be fine, the doctors are keeping me here a week. ‘For observation’ they said, but they really just want more money.

I’m no longer hooked up to machines and they took my IV out earlier today so I’m aloud to walk around. It turns out I’m not in a hospital, but a rehabilitation center. I’m in the recovery section now but I have my own room.

I walked out of the hospital and walked towards the walking section and walked for about two hours before I decided to sit by a lake. It was pretty—too pretty—and I knew the money my mom was paying was going towards keeping all of those fake lilies in it. It was pretty to look at, even though it gave a fake belief that there was hope out there. Because there was no hope for me without my beautiful Gerard. It still hurt, what he did. I don’t see why he broke up with me. I know I hurt him but… what was this, revenge?

I sat, looking at the water, until someone sat by me.

“I see you’re awake.”

I turned to see a kid about my height in black pants and a Thursday hoodie. “My name is Pete Wentz. I shared a room with you for about a week.”

“Oh… hi, I guess.”

“I’m sorry your boyfriend broke up with you like that.” The kid, Pete, added.

“How do you know?” I asked, looking up. I noticed he had really pretty dark eyes.

“The walls are pretty thin. I heard about you punching Reynolds in the nose. Way to go. That’s fucking awesome. Wish I’d thought to do that when I woke up. Last time I did it I was almost arrested for assault. But you had the perfect excuse.”

“Why’d you hit him? He didn’t seem mean, just a little… I dunno… demeaning, I guess.”

“Oh, he is. Trust me. Every teenager who’s a cutter—me— or an alcoholic, or tried to commit suicide—you—or a drug addict… let’s just say he isn’t too kind. I don’t care how good of a fucking doctor he is. He’s still a complete and utter ass.”

I nodded. “So you cut?”

He lifted the sleeves of his hoodie to reveal not only several tattoos but several deep cuts and scars. He let out a hollow laugh. “I’m so cured I get to go home next week.”

I looked at his wrists, feeling sudden sadness. I lifted up my wrists and let him see my scars. Even though I hadn’t cut myself nearly as much, I still knew what he was going through. “Have you ever… wanted to stop?”

“No… it’s my only escape, you know? Cutting myself is the only thing that lets me feel… I dunno… normal.”

We sat down there until dusk talking about anything and everything and I realized that for the first time in a while I was genuinely happy.

The Next Day…
Frank’s P.O.V

Pete is twenty one years old and he’s in a band called Fall Out Boy but before they could get much work done he was dragged to this hospital. He’s gotten notebooks upon notebooks of song lyrics, my favorite in particular is The Pros and Cons of Breathing.

He told me that he’s bi and has known it since he was ten when he kissed a boy during recess in the fifth grade. The boy had kissed back, then ran and told the teacher that Pete had molested him. Pete had been grounded a month and was told to never do anything like that to a boy again. That is was disgusting, wrong, and unforgivable in God’s eyes. His parents, I told him, would get along great with my dad.

The next morning he walked down to my room (he’s in the next room) and shook me awake. My eyes focused on him and he gave me a warm smile and I felt a pleasant shock go throughout my body as he took my hand and lifted me up. “I’ve got something to show you, kid.”

Normally I would get mad at being called kid— mainly because I’m so short, but I wasn’t offended because he was my height if not a little taller.

I walked down the dimly lit hallway, hand in hand with Pete. Of course Gerard’s face came to my mind but he broke up with me. It wasn’t my fault he broke it off.

Pete led me down some more hallways and then into what looked like a library. I had told him yesterday how much I loved to read. I felt my lips curve in a small smile and Pete’s thumb ran up and down mine. “I know you’re leaving next week like me but I thought you might like something to do while you’re here.”

The next thing I knew my lips were against his and he was kissing me back, running his hands through my hair. We pulled apart a few seconds later, panting. Our foreheads were together and he lowered his hands from my hair and took my hand in his again. “The librarian,” he panted. “Is the only nice person here. Her name is Sarah. You’ll like her.”

“I’m sure I will like her.” I whispered and pressed my lips to his again. The last time I had got a boyfriend it was in a hospital and it had ended poorly, but maybe, just maybe this one wouldn’t…

Later That Day…
Still Frank’s P.O.V

“It’s nice to meet you, Pete.” My mom said, shaking Pete’s hand.

“It’s nice to meet you too, Ms. Pricolo.” Pete said, smiling at my mom. “I’ll see you later, okay Frank?”

“Alright.” I nodded and smiled. “Bye, Pete.”

After Pete left my mom nudged me. “Well, Frank, that sure was quick.”

“What was quick?” I asked innocently.

“Oh, come on, Frank. He’s very nice and handsome.”

I blushed a bit, shaking my head. “He isn’t my boyfriend.”

“But he could be.” Mom pointed out, grinning. She put a hand on my shoulder and massaged it. “There’s nothing wrong with liking Pete. In actuality, you and Gerard ended a year and a half ago.”

“But Gerard’s relationship meant more to me than getting a new boyfriend the same day.”

“It hasn’t been the same day.” She teased.

“Mom!” I sighed. “I love Gerard.”

“If it’s really over between you two, and I believe it is, you need to move on. If you two are meant to be you’ll be together again. If not… then for your sake I hope you never have to see him again.”

I sighed once again and nodded. “Whatever feels right for you, sweetheart.”

Frank’s P.O.V

A whole week passed before I saw Gerard again and it wasn’t until I was home outside reading that I saw him. Even though he was a bit down the road and there was no chance he hadn’t seen me I stood up and quickly made my way into the house, even though I had left the house to get away from my dad who was visiting. My dad who, it seemed, turned out to be right about Gerard.

Plus I couldn’t help but to think of Pete and how he had kissed me. I know I told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship but I felt like being near Gerard would be betraying him. Just like being around Pete was betraying Gerard.

My grandpa was here as well, alone in the kitchen. I slid back there silently, not wanting my parents to hear me coming in. I slid into the chair next to my grandpa. “Hey.”

“Hello, Frank. How are you feeling?”

“Better.” I said, ignoring the doorbell ringing.

Mom poked her head in a few seconds later. “Frank, Gerard is here. Should I let him in?”

“I don’t want to see him.”

“Baby, he looks terrible. Just go see him.”

“I can’t.” I moaned.

I felt my grandpa’s hand on my shoulder. “Go on, kiddo.”

I sighed in annoyance and went to the door. I opened it quickly and was face-to-face Gerard.

“Gerard…” I whispered.

“I’m not drunk.” He said quickly.

I blinked, waiting for him to continue.

“I’m sorry I was so messed up on Thursday, Frankie. This has been so hard on me and the call just… I was… so… thrown off. I’d already been high that day and I just… I was scared, Frank. Of what might have happened. Of how you might be different.” He took a shaky breath. “And then I just started drinking and I didn’t quit until I got on the plane and then I had a fucking five hour hangover. Then I just started drinking more,” He took another shuddery breath. “and more because I hurt so bad and I was so fucking nervous…then I saw you and you hadn’t changed and you were the same, Frank. And then I was mad at you and I was mad at me for betraying your trust by drinking…. And then I broke up with you…” his voice was a mere whisper now and silent tears fell down his face.

I was no longer thinking of how Pete’s kiss had made me feel. I stepped out of the house and closed the door. “Gerard, baby… don’t cry.”

“I’m sorry, Frank.” He cried, his shoulders shaking.

I pulled him into a hug, and then sat on the porch swing with him in my arms. “It’s okay, Gerard.” All I could think of was how Gerard obviously needed me. I rubbed his back and kissed his face as he cried.

It took him about ten minutes to quit crying and when he did he stared at the ground, biting his lip. “I love you, Frank.”

“I love you too, Gerard.” I pressed my lips to his, not noticing Pete walking up the driveway.

“Is this why you aren’t ready for a relationship?” I heard him sneer. “Because you’re with him still?”

We pulled away and I stared up at Pete. Gerard wiped his red cheeks. “Who in the fuck are you?”

“Pete. I guess you’re the ass who dumped him last week, huh? You know he cried a whole day after that?” Pete hissed.

“What’s any of this got to do with you?” Gerard replied in just as vicious of a voice.

“What’s it got to do with me? Tons seeing as just a week ago Frank was all over me!”

Gerard’s head spun to look at me and I’d never forget the look in his eyes.

“I kissed him, Gerard.” I said quickly. “That’s all.”

“That was a hell of enough to cheer you up.” Pete told me. “I thought you liked me, I thought I wasn’t just your rebound.”

“Pete…” I started.

“Why did you kiss him?” Gerard asked in a whisper.

“Gerard…”

“Because you aren’t good enough for him apparently.”

“STOP IT!” I shouted, standing up. “Look, Pete… I love Gerard.”

“If you love him so much why did you kiss me?” Pete asked.

“Yeah.” Gerard looked at me.

“Because I— I don’t know! Gerard, I was so stressed and I felt so lonely and Pete, you made me feel human again… I’m sorry I kissed you, Pete. I shouldn’t have and I didn’t mean to lead you on.” I said slowly, making sure not to say the wrong thing. “And Gerard you can’t be angry with me because you broke up with me, remember?”

“I was drunk!” Gerard shouted.

My dad stepped out and, seeing Pete and Gerard, frowned. “Frank, it’s time to come in.”

“Oh shut the fuck up and don’t get me started! You go the fuck inside!” I hissed. I walked over to Pete. “I’m sorry, Pete. I didn’t mean for this to happen…”

He opened his mouth like he was going to speak, then looked down and nodded. “Sorry, Frank.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” I whispered.

He nodded again. “Bye.”

“Bye.” I said, and Pete left.

Gerard was sitting on the swing, looking down. I took his hand in mine, and then sat by him. He rested his head on my shoulder and I kissed him gently. He returned my kiss eagerly and I could taste his salty tears. I licked my lips and pulled away. “When do you leave?”

“Huh?”

“For the tour.”

“Whenever I want. What’re they gonna do, fire me? If they kick us off of the tour we’ll just start our tour early.” He said. He still looked miserable so I reached up my other hand to stroke his cheek. He leaned his cheek into my hand and I smiled and kissed him again before someone, my dad, cleared their throat.

“I believe I said it was time to come in, Frank.” He said in a strict voice. “I also believe that a year ago I told you that you were to never see him again.”

“Actually, Dad,” I said, squeezing Gerard’s hand. “It was a year and a half ago which means that I’m eighteen and do you know what that means, Dad? Do you?” His eyes narrowed. “That means I don’t give a fuck what you say.”

“As long as you live under my roof you’ll care what I say!”

“I don’t live with you, Dad.” I said calmly. “I live with mom.”

Dad stepped forward and slapped me. Gerard stood up in front of me.

“Try and touch him again, I dare you.” He hissed at my father.

I had my hand over my cheek as my mom came out.

“Anthony, what is going on out here?” she asked.

“Nothing, Linda.”

“Dad just fucking hit me!” I shouted over him.

“Anthony?”

“He’s a fucking queer!” Dad shouted.

Gerard pulled me up gently and led me into the house, past my grandfather, and up to my room. “Stay here, baby. I’ll be right back with some ice.”

I nodded and sat down on my bed, waiting for Gerard. It only took him a minute to get back to my room and he pressed his lips to mine before placing the ice on my cheek.

“I’m sorry I kissed Pete.” I whispered, putting my hand over his hand which was still holding the ice to my cheek.

“I don’t care.” Gerard reassured me, kissing me again. We both laid down and I put my arm around his waist. The kiss grew deeper and I ran my hand down Gerard’s side, hearing him moan lightly. My hand grazed over his ass, and then I brought it back up to stroke his side. He let the ice fall onto the bed and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close to him. Our crotches pressed together and I moaned loudly into his neck. He began to lift my T-shirt over my head and I pulled away, panting. I got up, crossed my room to my door, and locked it. Gerard smiled at me as I made my way back over and I crawled onto the bed over to him. He pulled me to him when I was in arm’s reach and we rolled around for a while, kissing or shoving at each other. It was unreal how much he had changed but it was also unreal how much he hadn’t changed. His looks may have changed but his moans hadn’t, neither had his squirms I noticed when I ran my hand up his shirt and stroked his stomach.

“I love you.” I told him, smiling. I wriggled out of my pants and grinned at him innocently. “Is Gerard going to leave Frankie all cold alone?”

Gerard grinned and pulled me onto him. “I’ll warm you up.” He whispered in my ear.

I eagerly unbuttoned his jeans, my hands shaking from the excitement. He laughed quietly and helped me undress the both of us. We were breathing heavily, lying next to each other.

“It’s been a while. It’ll probably hurt, you know.” He whispered in my ear.

“I know.” I whispered back. “Let’s just get the first time over with, huh?”

Gerard nodded. I squeezed his hand, moaning as he entered me….