Sickness

I am always running. I have to keep going in every direction I'm pulled. Otherwise I'm rolling, trying to straighten out these folds.

My weight. It pulls me down. Multiplied by gravity, it wobbles as I frown.

Sweat drips down my face, smoothly slipping to the floor. The heaviness of my body is stuck to me like a knob is stuck to a door. Pull me one way and the whole of me comes along, trying to pull me back again, you will have to be strong.

You are always racing. Trying to find a purpose. You and me both, we want the whole universe listed. Explained.

Down to the atoms, we want to know their reason, even the deep roots that stake down our mountains. Existence, we are so sure, it is all around us, creators of Microsoft even funded Apple. One cause to another, another cause to another. Soon we are all holding Ipods listening to others.

Cause, cause, cause. But, where does it end?

And who made me want to listen to these endless sirens. Their voices like liquid pour into my ears, hot like fire they burn, they sear my heart to tears. Understanding me. That's what I think. But truly who really knows how low they make me sink?

Unbelievers, all of them. They drown me along with them. Breathless I follow, chasing my very fears. Maybe, if I run hard enough, I will disappear.

But then, I am in confusion. I take a deep breath. One sip of knowledge has me resurface:

Darkness out in a deep ocean which is covered by waves, above which are waves, above which are clouds, layers of darkness one upon the other. When one puts out his hand [therein], he can hardly see it. Those God gives no Light to, they have no light [24:40].

Have I finally been guided?

This description of the oceans, deep in the sea, why did it come to me today when the misguided got it back a few centuries? Just like the real oceans I was lost in layers of waves. The only light that came was when God described my predicament. Now I am eager to learn what God has to say.

What caused this?

How did I find the perfect passage that caught me right in between running and crying. Hiding and sighing. Typing hard words and shivering from thoughts about my inevitable dying.

I cannot run anymore, this curiousness needs to be explored. When one or two lines got to me, there are bound to be more.

Isn't this part of the message given to those who were in a time of ignorance? A time where women had no rights and people mixed Gods with strange things, and fought against any light?

I don't understand.

I need to read.

This whole wide world is dark with misery. Wrapping me up in mystery. I want to know the history. Where is the true story? And how did it find me.

Maybe, I already know.

It's too late to keep running. I am washed clean as I resurface. I have a purpose.

These singers that claim the whole world is blind, that tell me of lost love, waste my time. They cover me in darkness. Cover me in sickness. I need something else. Something that was given to those lost like myself.

What I need is different.

I want to find something. Something that can be the coolness of my eyes.

And I don't want these screeching voices or these mellowed out tunes to get my body pumping away from these clues. Whose going to act my destiny, but me? I have a right to search the history.

Little words have caught me, but the wisdom is great. I need to search. Call me silly, but I'm accountable for my ignorance on Judgement Day.