Never Stop Believing
Wishing you here.
Sometimes I find me in my red and black bedroom remembering that sweet moment between Jimmy and I. it was a dream come true or more of that. I think I met the paradise that morning. Each touch, each kiss, each whisper, each breathe. Everything was more than perfect. It was something surreal than made me fall in love for him even more than I was.
“Vi, I need to tell you something…” – he said while I was resting my head in his chest and he was touching my hair, stroking me.
“Sure!”
“I have doubts about if I should ask you this or not but… Violet, do you wanna be my girlfriend?” – I moved back to look at him to be sure if I had listened well. – “I know it’ll be difficult for us. Next month I’ll come back to California and I don’t know when I come back here… I love you, Vi. I love you so much and I need to feel you as mine.” – In that moment I thought in anything unless in the right answer. I really loved Jimmy. Actually, I still love him even more than in past. I loved him and he was the person I wanted to live till the rest of my life but we was so young and I knew nothing last forever but I should studied Geography before I answer Jimmy. I was living in London and Jimmy was in California. I believe in true love and I have no doubts Jimmy loved me as much I love him but sometimes something we can’t control happen and makes us believe nothing in this life do sense.
“If I wanna be your girlfriend? Jimmy, you’re my first true love… you took a piece of me some minutes ago and it was the best thing I ever felt in my entire life, you’ve been being my best friend ever and you still ask me if I wanna be your girlfriend?”
“So… is this a yes?” – I stood up putting me on my knees in front of him giving him a kiss on his lips. His hands travelled to my back and he pushed me against him intensifying the kiss. – “Are you mine?”
“All yours!”
“Really?”
“I swear I’ll never leave you and I’ll love you forever.”
“Me too, Vi. Even being so far away from you, I’ll love you, forever…”
“Don’t stop writing me.”
“Don’t stop believing, Violet.”
Oh, it’s so hard… it’s so fuckin’ hard remember all this conversations, all this words, that feeling that came over me. Why this happened to us, Jimmy? What did I do to lose you? There is no day that I don't wonder about these questions. I blame myself for being so stupid. I blame myself for not having fought harder. I blame myself... I just blame me.
Jimmy and I went to take a shower together after we made love three more times. We put some clothes on and then we decided to take a walk around the neighborhood. When we were leaving the house, his parents and sister were coming back of the museum. I greeted them as usually but his mom looked at us with a suspicious look. She walked towards the doors never taking her eyes of me while showed me a naughty smile. In that Jimmy and she are similar. I don’t know if it was my consciousness or if she was suspicious about something. I looked at Jimmy and he looked at me smirking and it was when I understood why she was looking at me like that. Well, basically, Jimmy’s lips were red such us his face that was flushed like a tomato. I was in the same conditions, for sure. I held Jimmy’s arm and started to walk faster to leave that place as soon as possible.
“Take care of my son, Vi.” – I looked back and saw Jimmy’s mom closing the door giving a glace on us with the same naughty smile than before.
“Oh my God, Jimmy. Your mom knows.”
“I understood that. I don’t mind. I love you so I don’t care if my mom knows or not. At least, she knows I choose the right girl for my first time.”
“It was perfect! I never thought my first time would be with you much less the way it was.”
“There something more perfect than our first time.”
“What?”
“You!”
‘There something more perfect than our first time… You!’
I feel chills every time I remember his words. I feel so fortunate to have been reason so many smiles he showed, for being someone important in his life, for had loved him more than someone had loved him. I knew a Jimmy that few knew. I knew a Jimmy that despite all the madness and courage, was the dearest person in the world. Also slightly romantic. During the two months we had passed together, Jimmy took me out to dinner (it is important to say he spent one day with his father to ask for advices about how to be a gentleman for a romantic dinner), we spent every evening watching the starry sky lying the turf of "our" London garden and during the day, he taught me to play drums or we spent afternoons singing songs of Metallica, Pantera and Guns n Roses. He was always hugging me and kissing me, especially in front of our families. He was always congratulating my mother to have a daughter as wonderful as I am.
When the day came that Jimmy was going back to California, I never thought it would be the last time I would be with him. I had slept in his house the night before. We spent all night long making love and I never listened so much “I love you” getting out of his months like in night. We woke up in the next morning about 5am. This time was different. I would go to say goodbye to my best friend but also to my boyfriend. I remember I woke up and the first thing I did was wrap myself in his arms. He held me so tightly saying how much I was important to him and he would never forget me. I hid my face in his chest, feeling a pressure on my throat to be making a huge effort not to cry. My body began to tremble and I sob. Jimmy, putting his hands on my arms, pulled me to see if I was really crying. I looked into his blue eyes and I couldn't control my tears anymore. He didn't say a word and hugged me again this time giving me a kiss on the lips.
One hour later, I was seeing him leaving. Those sad blue eyes full of tears were looking at me crying like a baby. I had my heart broken in little pieces.
I stayed there, for more some minutes, seeing my boyfriend leaving me there all alone. What would be about me now? I was desperate and I really didn’t know what to do. I walked towards the front door of Jimmy’s house and I sat on the step where Jimmy was sitting when I saw him from the first time. I leaned my head on my knees and my tears were now cold and empty. I took a deep breath and look to the sky, leaning my head on the door. I put my hand on the pockets of Jimmy’s jacket (he told me to keep it) and for my surprise there was a piece of paper there folded in four parts.
‘September, 8th 1998.
My dear girlfriend Violet,
(Oh God, I’m so proud to say that!)
I know you’re crying and you know how much I hate to see you crying because of me.
You look lovely crying but… come on babe, you’re so fuckin’ beautiful when you’re smiling… (You have no idea how much you let me horny when you smile at me in that way only you know!)
Well, I wrote this letter this morning when you were on the toilet and all I want to tell you is this: You’re my everything. You’ll be always with me. Always and Forever. You have a piece of me with you for the rest of your life as I have a piece of you inside me for the rest of mine. I’ll never, ever, leave you. I want you all the days and all the nights and I’ll try come back for you. I won’t try. I’ll come back for you.
I love you, Vi. I really do.
I don’t wanna lose you. I won’t lose you.
I’ll look at the sky every single night thinking on you. Because you’re my bright star.
Don’t stop believing, Violet. Don’t stop believing in our love, in me, in you.
Jimmy Sullivan’
It’s incredible how he gave me strong even being far away for me. I have to thank him so much because his letters save me from the worst so many times.
Well, over the next two years, Jimmy continued to write me. I jumped with happiness every time I received his letters. I went to the mailbox every day to see if there was some letter of James Sullivan. When one of the letters was by Jimmy, I ran to my house, I put my school stuff on the floor of the living room and ran upstairs to my bedroom. There, I locked the door and I read the letter while I walked around the room with my eyes full of tears. One day, Jimmy surprised me sending me a photo we took the last time he was here, during one of my drum classes. We were crazy that day. I mean, COMPLETELY, crazy. We spent the day yelling (yeah, yelling) the songs by Metallica.
I never thought that letter with the photo wouldn’t be the last letter I’d received by Jimmy. I don’t know what happened. If he find someone else, if he forgot me, if something bad happened with him. I just know I’m dying. I continued sending him letters but till now I got no response from any of them. After the last letter Jimmy sent me, I sent him two letters. One of them telling him that I was already in the University studying Arts and thanking him for the photo and another one telling him I would move for the center of London with my family and I gave him my new address. Since that, he didn’t tell me anything anymore. Till now.
Today is October 25th 2005. I’m just living to the studies and family. My brother is about to move with his girlfriend and I… well, I'm packing my things.
My University gave me a studentship to go to USA to do an investigation about Arts, Music and Cinema in LA. My little sister Barbara is helping me. She went to her bedroom to get my fifty-two letters that Jimmy sent me along 5 years.
“Take them!” – My sister told me, stretching her arms towards me.
“Thanks, Baba.”
“Vi, can I ask you something?”
“Sure! What’s up?”
“Can you read me one of the letters?” – I looked at my sister with a desperate look. I knew I would cry reading them again. I felt my eyes becoming black with sadness but my little sister came to me and hugged my legs tightly. I lowered myself, gave her a kiss on the forehead and sat in bed.
“Come here!” – I said calling her to sit next to me. I took some of the letters and showed them to my sister. “Choose one!”
“This one!” – She took the letter and gave it to me. I took it from inside of the envelope, unfolded it and started reading it.
“November, 17th 1999.
Dear Vivi,
You won’t believe this! As you know Brian and I had a band, Pinkly Smooth, but Brian joined to me and the guys to our band Avenged Sevenfold. We recorded some songs already and I’m sending you a CD with some of them. I hope you love it!
Oh, Violet… this distance kills me. It really kills me… I’m feeling a homeless without you. I mean, I’m a homeless. I’m living in a laundry. By the way, I’m feeling dirty!
Now, talking serious. I need you. It’ll be difficult come back there… I’m living alone and I’m making money to the stuff of the band. I wish you here with me.
Last night, I had a dream about you. It was perfect! We were in a big garden full of flowers… (A little gay but I don’t care. It was a beautiful scenery because you were there!)… And we were there taking a shower on the river and we made love till the sunset.
I hope you didn’t find someone in your school. I’m still single and waiting for you. You won’t believe me but I swear for God that it’s true.
I’m looking at you right now. My bright star. You're the one that stands out in the middle of millions of bright spots in the sky. As in my life. You always stand out among millions of women because you are the woman I chose to share all my days until the day that I'll close my eyes and I’ll never open them again.
You’re always with me, Vi.
Always and Forever.
I love you,
Jimmy Sullivan’
“Vi, I need to tell you something…” – he said while I was resting my head in his chest and he was touching my hair, stroking me.
“Sure!”
“I have doubts about if I should ask you this or not but… Violet, do you wanna be my girlfriend?” – I moved back to look at him to be sure if I had listened well. – “I know it’ll be difficult for us. Next month I’ll come back to California and I don’t know when I come back here… I love you, Vi. I love you so much and I need to feel you as mine.” – In that moment I thought in anything unless in the right answer. I really loved Jimmy. Actually, I still love him even more than in past. I loved him and he was the person I wanted to live till the rest of my life but we was so young and I knew nothing last forever but I should studied Geography before I answer Jimmy. I was living in London and Jimmy was in California. I believe in true love and I have no doubts Jimmy loved me as much I love him but sometimes something we can’t control happen and makes us believe nothing in this life do sense.
“If I wanna be your girlfriend? Jimmy, you’re my first true love… you took a piece of me some minutes ago and it was the best thing I ever felt in my entire life, you’ve been being my best friend ever and you still ask me if I wanna be your girlfriend?”
“So… is this a yes?” – I stood up putting me on my knees in front of him giving him a kiss on his lips. His hands travelled to my back and he pushed me against him intensifying the kiss. – “Are you mine?”
“All yours!”
“Really?”
“I swear I’ll never leave you and I’ll love you forever.”
“Me too, Vi. Even being so far away from you, I’ll love you, forever…”
“Don’t stop writing me.”
“Don’t stop believing, Violet.”
Oh, it’s so hard… it’s so fuckin’ hard remember all this conversations, all this words, that feeling that came over me. Why this happened to us, Jimmy? What did I do to lose you? There is no day that I don't wonder about these questions. I blame myself for being so stupid. I blame myself for not having fought harder. I blame myself... I just blame me.
Jimmy and I went to take a shower together after we made love three more times. We put some clothes on and then we decided to take a walk around the neighborhood. When we were leaving the house, his parents and sister were coming back of the museum. I greeted them as usually but his mom looked at us with a suspicious look. She walked towards the doors never taking her eyes of me while showed me a naughty smile. In that Jimmy and she are similar. I don’t know if it was my consciousness or if she was suspicious about something. I looked at Jimmy and he looked at me smirking and it was when I understood why she was looking at me like that. Well, basically, Jimmy’s lips were red such us his face that was flushed like a tomato. I was in the same conditions, for sure. I held Jimmy’s arm and started to walk faster to leave that place as soon as possible.
“Take care of my son, Vi.” – I looked back and saw Jimmy’s mom closing the door giving a glace on us with the same naughty smile than before.
“Oh my God, Jimmy. Your mom knows.”
“I understood that. I don’t mind. I love you so I don’t care if my mom knows or not. At least, she knows I choose the right girl for my first time.”
“It was perfect! I never thought my first time would be with you much less the way it was.”
“There something more perfect than our first time.”
“What?”
“You!”
‘There something more perfect than our first time… You!’
I feel chills every time I remember his words. I feel so fortunate to have been reason so many smiles he showed, for being someone important in his life, for had loved him more than someone had loved him. I knew a Jimmy that few knew. I knew a Jimmy that despite all the madness and courage, was the dearest person in the world. Also slightly romantic. During the two months we had passed together, Jimmy took me out to dinner (it is important to say he spent one day with his father to ask for advices about how to be a gentleman for a romantic dinner), we spent every evening watching the starry sky lying the turf of "our" London garden and during the day, he taught me to play drums or we spent afternoons singing songs of Metallica, Pantera and Guns n Roses. He was always hugging me and kissing me, especially in front of our families. He was always congratulating my mother to have a daughter as wonderful as I am.
When the day came that Jimmy was going back to California, I never thought it would be the last time I would be with him. I had slept in his house the night before. We spent all night long making love and I never listened so much “I love you” getting out of his months like in night. We woke up in the next morning about 5am. This time was different. I would go to say goodbye to my best friend but also to my boyfriend. I remember I woke up and the first thing I did was wrap myself in his arms. He held me so tightly saying how much I was important to him and he would never forget me. I hid my face in his chest, feeling a pressure on my throat to be making a huge effort not to cry. My body began to tremble and I sob. Jimmy, putting his hands on my arms, pulled me to see if I was really crying. I looked into his blue eyes and I couldn't control my tears anymore. He didn't say a word and hugged me again this time giving me a kiss on the lips.
One hour later, I was seeing him leaving. Those sad blue eyes full of tears were looking at me crying like a baby. I had my heart broken in little pieces.
I stayed there, for more some minutes, seeing my boyfriend leaving me there all alone. What would be about me now? I was desperate and I really didn’t know what to do. I walked towards the front door of Jimmy’s house and I sat on the step where Jimmy was sitting when I saw him from the first time. I leaned my head on my knees and my tears were now cold and empty. I took a deep breath and look to the sky, leaning my head on the door. I put my hand on the pockets of Jimmy’s jacket (he told me to keep it) and for my surprise there was a piece of paper there folded in four parts.
‘September, 8th 1998.
My dear girlfriend Violet,
(Oh God, I’m so proud to say that!)
I know you’re crying and you know how much I hate to see you crying because of me.
You look lovely crying but… come on babe, you’re so fuckin’ beautiful when you’re smiling… (You have no idea how much you let me horny when you smile at me in that way only you know!)
Well, I wrote this letter this morning when you were on the toilet and all I want to tell you is this: You’re my everything. You’ll be always with me. Always and Forever. You have a piece of me with you for the rest of your life as I have a piece of you inside me for the rest of mine. I’ll never, ever, leave you. I want you all the days and all the nights and I’ll try come back for you. I won’t try. I’ll come back for you.
I love you, Vi. I really do.
I don’t wanna lose you. I won’t lose you.
I’ll look at the sky every single night thinking on you. Because you’re my bright star.
Don’t stop believing, Violet. Don’t stop believing in our love, in me, in you.
Jimmy Sullivan’
It’s incredible how he gave me strong even being far away for me. I have to thank him so much because his letters save me from the worst so many times.
Well, over the next two years, Jimmy continued to write me. I jumped with happiness every time I received his letters. I went to the mailbox every day to see if there was some letter of James Sullivan. When one of the letters was by Jimmy, I ran to my house, I put my school stuff on the floor of the living room and ran upstairs to my bedroom. There, I locked the door and I read the letter while I walked around the room with my eyes full of tears. One day, Jimmy surprised me sending me a photo we took the last time he was here, during one of my drum classes. We were crazy that day. I mean, COMPLETELY, crazy. We spent the day yelling (yeah, yelling) the songs by Metallica.
I never thought that letter with the photo wouldn’t be the last letter I’d received by Jimmy. I don’t know what happened. If he find someone else, if he forgot me, if something bad happened with him. I just know I’m dying. I continued sending him letters but till now I got no response from any of them. After the last letter Jimmy sent me, I sent him two letters. One of them telling him that I was already in the University studying Arts and thanking him for the photo and another one telling him I would move for the center of London with my family and I gave him my new address. Since that, he didn’t tell me anything anymore. Till now.
Today is October 25th 2005. I’m just living to the studies and family. My brother is about to move with his girlfriend and I… well, I'm packing my things.
My University gave me a studentship to go to USA to do an investigation about Arts, Music and Cinema in LA. My little sister Barbara is helping me. She went to her bedroom to get my fifty-two letters that Jimmy sent me along 5 years.
“Take them!” – My sister told me, stretching her arms towards me.
“Thanks, Baba.”
“Vi, can I ask you something?”
“Sure! What’s up?”
“Can you read me one of the letters?” – I looked at my sister with a desperate look. I knew I would cry reading them again. I felt my eyes becoming black with sadness but my little sister came to me and hugged my legs tightly. I lowered myself, gave her a kiss on the forehead and sat in bed.
“Come here!” – I said calling her to sit next to me. I took some of the letters and showed them to my sister. “Choose one!”
“This one!” – She took the letter and gave it to me. I took it from inside of the envelope, unfolded it and started reading it.
“November, 17th 1999.
Dear Vivi,
You won’t believe this! As you know Brian and I had a band, Pinkly Smooth, but Brian joined to me and the guys to our band Avenged Sevenfold. We recorded some songs already and I’m sending you a CD with some of them. I hope you love it!
Oh, Violet… this distance kills me. It really kills me… I’m feeling a homeless without you. I mean, I’m a homeless. I’m living in a laundry. By the way, I’m feeling dirty!
Now, talking serious. I need you. It’ll be difficult come back there… I’m living alone and I’m making money to the stuff of the band. I wish you here with me.
Last night, I had a dream about you. It was perfect! We were in a big garden full of flowers… (A little gay but I don’t care. It was a beautiful scenery because you were there!)… And we were there taking a shower on the river and we made love till the sunset.
I hope you didn’t find someone in your school. I’m still single and waiting for you. You won’t believe me but I swear for God that it’s true.
I’m looking at you right now. My bright star. You're the one that stands out in the middle of millions of bright spots in the sky. As in my life. You always stand out among millions of women because you are the woman I chose to share all my days until the day that I'll close my eyes and I’ll never open them again.
You’re always with me, Vi.
Always and Forever.
I love you,
Jimmy Sullivan’