Never Stop Believing
Living the day after tomorrow.
“Vi, what the fuck? I’m sorry but can you explain me what is going on?”
“Help here! I need to know more about the band… I need to know everything about the band!” – I got up of the floor and wiping tears from my face with the sleeve of my sweater, I walked towards my laptop, turning it on. I couldn’t believe what was happening around me, what was happening in that moment. I couldn’t believe Jimmy was looking for me. But what hurts me more in this entire fuckin’ story was the fact the guy I met at the plain, Jason, was a friend of Jimmy. How could it be possible? How could I be so near Jimmy right now without have any information about him when I had all his life by my side through Jason?
Gosh, I’m feeling so stupid, so idiot right now. But beside all this, I had a hope to find Jimmy. Bea seemed to know the band perfectly and she would be a great help. She was freaking out with the entire story between Jimmy and me. I was about to tell her all what happened but I never told my true story with Jimmy. Neither to my mom, neither to my brother. They knew we had something really strong but they believe Jimmy and I were just good friend.
Bea walked towards me looking at me with a very worry look and sat next to me looking at the screen of my laptop. I connected the internet and asked her to show me all about Avenged Sevenfold.
“Well, till now, they recorded three albums. The last one was City of Evil, in June.”
“I can’t believe this. Why did I stop with the research about them?”
“I wouldn’t ask you why you are saying this because I know you won’t tell me anything. Oh! ‘The band was formed in 1999 in Huntington Beach, California with original members M. Shadows, Zacky Vengeance, The Rev and Matt Wendt. M Shadows came up with the name as a reference to the story of Cain and Abel from The Bible, which can be found in Genesis 4:24, although they are not a religious band.’”
“Show me more about Jimmy…”
“Well, all I can show to you is their songs and the music videos.”
“Show me all you can.” – I was so nervous and excited to know more about the guys and, the most important, how Jimmy was. When Bea showed me some photos of Jimmy and a video clip, my entire body began shaking as if I was with hyperthermia. All my muscles hurt and my teeth were beating in each others. – “Vi, are you feeling okay?” – I wasn’t able to answer her. I tried to speak, to say something but the words didn’t come out of my mouth. My body was shaking more and more and I felt my body losing strength and I fainted.
I woke up some hours later in hospital room with an oxygen mask on my face. My eyes were heavy and I felt some difficulties to open them. I looked at my right and were there Bea with Keram. I wondered what Keram was doing there but quickly I forgot that. I saw Bea walking from side to side and Keram was beside me, holding my hand and stroking my head. I still felt a little dizzy and, one more time, I saw Jimmy instead of Keram. My heart was beating faster and my breath was heavy when he looked at me.
“Jimmy?” – I asked what made Keram look at me with a confuse look. I saw Bea ran towards me and took my other hand and kissed it.
“No, Vi. He’s Keram. Jimmy isn’t here.” – Bea said. I looked again to Keram and now I could see him what made me feel a little disappointed.
“How are you feeling?” – Keram asked, smiling at me. I could see he was uncomfortable with what I had said. I looked at him and smiled too trying to feeling him better.
“I’m better. But… what happened? I can’t remember anything…”
“Vi… I was showing to you a photos and videos of A7X and… you started to feel bad and you fainted when I asked you if everything was okay with you.”
“I have to contact with him.” – I said getting up of the bed. Keram stopped me grabbing my arms and pushing me down to the bed.
“You don’t go anywhere.”
“Keram… let me go!”
“Violet, he’s right. You’re still weak. You have to wait to talk with the doctor.”
“Bea, I’m great. All I need is talk with Jimmy, not with the fuckin’ doctor. No, let me go.”
“Vi, please. Stay!” – Bea said grabbing my head while Keram was sitting on the chair next to me. – “Listen, I’ll do a search for you.”
“Yes, you will. But I’ll be there with you.” – When I was about to get up of the bed again, the doctor came into the room. It was a very good looking guy, charming with very beautiful hazel eyes. Bea and I stood looking at him like little girls seeing a very sexy guy. He approached me with a huge smile in his face and for some moments I believe Bea and I though in the same thing: rape him!
“Well, well! It seems my dear Violet is ready to get out of this hospital room.”
“Absolutely!”
“Well, you have to be here just a little more…”
“Please, doctor…” – I look to his identification card to know his name. – “… doctor Smith… like… John Smith. Let me go. I’m feeling great!”
“Well, miss Pocahontas. You can go but you have here pills to calm you down. You have a panic attack and it’s not good. I’d like to see you again but… I hope not in this hospital, are you hear me?”
“Deal! Now I really have to go!” – Bea took my things and Keram helped me to get up of the bed and we left the room. For some moments I forget what brought me to the hospital with that sexy man with that medical gown but it wasn’t too long to feel down again. Keram helped me to come into his car and them we arrived till the residence.
In the next weeks, Bea and I tried to contact with the managers of the band through their site and MySpace but… anything. No answer for anyone. We discovered Brian’s dad, Brian Haner Sr. or Guitar Guy like he was known, was famous too and we found his official website. One more time, we tried to have an answer about Jimmy but… nothing. I was desperate. I was so near of my dream boy and at the same time so far away. And he was so different. He was always beautiful in my eyes, he was the most sweet guy that I’ve ever knew. And he made me feel so good. His love made me feel so good and happy. I could know me through him.
Two mouths passed and I'm dating with Keram. I mean, I started to going out with him but one day we kissed. I couldn’t control the situation and I couldn’t say no to him. I confess I don’t know what happened between us. He’s a cool guy. He’s also a musician. Keram made me lots of surprises throughout this time, including serenades, chocolates, songs he wrote for me… he’s such a cute guy and I like him very much.
Tonight, I go to dinner with him in a top restaurant and I’m very nervous about that. Keram and I never had sex. I just can’t give that step. Jimmy still being very important to me and let another guy find what was of Jimmy… God, it’s really hard to accept that. Bea is saying all the time that it’s tonight. Tonight, Keram and I will make sex. She told me to wear a sexy dress and put high heels on. I did what she told me to do and right now I’m in front of my mirror looking at a bitch. I really love the dress and the heels but… I never thought in dress me like that to go out with another guy that wasn’t Jimmy.
“Oh… my… fucking… God! You look gorgeous!”
“Bea, please, don’t say that. I’ll choose another thing to wear.”
“What? Are you out of your mind? You’re beautiful like that. Keram will love it.”
“That’s the problem. I don’t want him to love it.”
“You don’t want him to love it or… to love you? Vi, please! You have to forget what happened. I don’t know anything about your past but… do you think that what you really want will happen after all this time?” – Bea was right and it hurts to know she is so fucking right. I have to carry on and live my life. I can’t wait for Jimmy for the rest of my life. If he gave up on me, it’s because something made him regret for what we had. Besides of we are near each other, he’s not here and even he’s my life, I have to life the another part of my life. The real one.
“Okay! I’ll call Keram to tell him I’m ready.” – It wasn’t necessary call him. When I took my phone to call him, he knocked on the door and Bea ran towards it to open it. She asked me if I was ready and I said yes with my head. She opened it and Keram came into and looked at me amazed.
“You’re perfect everyday of your life but… you’re more than perfect tonight… you’re… Gosh, I’m speechless.”
“Thank you, Keram. Well, I’m ready so… can we go?”
“Sure!” – He held my hand and we left the room. Bea wished me good luck crossing her fingers but I wasn’t as happy as she was. I didn’t want to do that. I was feeling bad to be with Keram. I was feeling bad to make him believe we were dating. I was feeling bad because I was imagining I was with Jimmy.
We went to dinner at a top restaurant like I said before. When we arrived there I saw that he brought me to the one of the top restaurant in LA: Melisse Restaurant in Santa Monica. We came into the restaurant and quickly approached a man forwarding us to the table that Keram had booked. The more time I spent with him, the worse I felt to be lying to him, or to be lying to myself.
“I’m so glad you’re here with me tonight.” – He said, holding my hand. I stood there, looking at his hand over mine, without saying a word. – “I don’t know anything about your past but I’ve to confess that the fact I don’t know a thing about you, it made me love you even more...”
“Keram, I…” – I knew what he was saying couldn’t become even worst so I tried to stop his speech to tell him the truth but he didn’t let me speak.
“Since the first day I saw you… Wow, it’s like… I don’t know… I think I fell in love with you in that exact moment…”
“Keram, stop…”
“Let me finish. It’s important. I wanna tell you I love to have you as my girlfriend…”
“Keram, I’m not you’re girlfriend…” - I said whispering because everybody was staring at us like they were waiting to see him proposing me.
“…and I would like to give you…” – he made a pause on his speech to look at me. Finally he stopped talking and looked at me to give me more attention. – “What did you say?”
“Keram… I’m trying to tell you this from the beginning… I can’t be your girlfriend.”
“It’s too soon, right? I understand I can wait…”
“Keram… it’s not about time… it’s about me… I don’t love you as you love me.”
“I know that, you always said that to me but I can wait till the day you love me. I can make you love me.”
“You can’t do anything to make a person fall in love with you, Keram. You can’t!”
“But… what about the song I wrote to you? What about all I gave you? What about everything I do to you every single day?” – He started to talk louder and everybody began to look at us.
“Keram, calm down. Everybody is staring at us…”
“And about that, uh? What’s the problem? If I was your dear friend Jimmy, you wouldn’t care, right? Who is he, Vi? Who is Jimmy?”
“Let's forget this, okay? I don’t want to end the night arguing with you…”
“When, Vi? When do you starting worry about me, just a little bit? When?”
“I worry about you! I like you, Keram. I really do. You’re very special to me, you know that. But I can’t still lie to you. I can’t. I can’t still lie to you and I can’t still lie to myself. I have to put a final mark in my past, okay? Then… maybe the things will be different.”
“And when will you do that?”
“I don’t know…” – I said almost whispering while my eyes looking to my lap. Even after all this discussion, I felt much better. I couldn't continue to have that relationship with Keram still loving Jimmy. I can't use a person to forget another. It’s too bad and unfair. But all that conversation made me think even more in Jimmy. So, I asked for a bottle of the best wine they had. I started to drink and drink till I became very drunk. Keram didn’t do anything to stop me. I think he really wanted me to get drunk because then he could do what he wanted with me. When we left the restaurant, I couldn’t walk by myself so he helped to walk towards his car.
One hour later, I woke up in Keram’s bed just with my underwear. I was still drunk and I looked to my right and I saw a guy leaving the bathroom. I looked better at him and was Jimmy. He was just with his boxers and smiled to me when he saw I was already wake up. He walked towards me and sat by my side, stroking my chest with his hand. I closed my eyes to feel his touch and when I wasn’t expecting that, I felt his lips on mine.
“I knew you love me.” – He said in the middle of the kiss.
“Of course I love you… I love you from the beginning and nothing makes me love anyone but you.”
“Will you forget him?”
“I will forget everybody because you’re the only one who matters.”
“I love you, Vi.”
“I love you too, Jimmy. I love you till the end.” – He stopped the kiss for a few seconds but nothing made me open my eyes in that moment. All I wanted was kiss him and feel him next to me once again. His fingers travelled from my ear to my lips and then he kissed me deeply and passionately. His hands were now on my waist and he pulled me over him. His lips were searching all the details of my body what made me moan.
I could feel his horny member near my leg what made my desire from him grow up. He became violent and was grabbing my arms with some violence. He started to take my underwear off also with violence. I was feeling very uncomfortable this time. It wasn’t my Jimmy. My jimmy never ever acted with me like that. When he was about to put his tense member inside of me, I opened my eyes and I couldn’t believe I was with Keram and no with Jimmy. I felt a huge want to throw up at the moment. I pushed him from me and ran away from him while I took my clothes off the floor. I couldn’t be able to look at him again and ran to my bedroom that was in from of his one.
I came into my room, slamming the door with some strength, eventually waking Bea. She looked at me and asked what happened but I just had time to run towards the bathroom and throw up. She approached me, holding my hair while I was still throwing up all I had in my stomach. I stopped for a few moments and leaned myself on the bathtub looking at Bea.
“You won’t believe what that son of a bitch tried to do with me.”
“What happened?”
“He seized the opportunity of have me drunk to have sex with me. I don’t know if he could get it or not but… I thought I was with Ji… with anyone else and I called him another name but nevertheless he didn’t stop.”
“Are you sure about what you’re saying?”
“Fuck you, Bea. Fuck you! I know exactly what happened with that jerk, okay? Luckily, I opened my eyes sooner and saw what that idiot was doing with me.”
“Oh my God… come on… get up! You have to take a shower and then we’ll sleep. Tomorrow is another day and you can talk with him and understand what happened.” – Bea helped me to get up of the floor and I went to take a shower while she prepared all my stuff to sleep.
In the next day, I woke up with a big… no, with a huge headache that almost break my head. I looked at Bea’s bed and she wasn’t there. I went to our little kitchen and prepared a quick breakfast: cereals with milk. Some minutes later, Bea was coming back.
“Are you ready to come back to our investigation?”
“Sure. I need to know where Jimmy is.”
“Violet, I’m not talking about that… I was talking about our REAL investigation. I thought you had given up.”
“You know what? I’ll never give up finding him. Well, about the REAL investigation. Let me just put on some clothes and some make up and I’m ready.”
“Oh God… 3 hours waiting. I’ll see a movie or something.”
“Give me a break!” – I said, smiling while I walked towards my closet.
In the next days, I tried to avoid Keram. I wasn’t ready to talk with him about what happened neither to look at him.
*** January, 5th 2006 ***
“Vi, someone is knocking the door. Can you check who is it? I’m in the shower.”
“Sure! But move you’re dirty ass. I want to take a shower too.” – I was in the chicken making the lunch for both of us and went to the door to see who was knocking. I opened and it was some friends of ours (Peter, Michael, Taylor, Lisa) and… Keram. I didn’t talking with him yet and he never called me to talk about what was going on that night. Well, I have to say that I didn’t really talk about that. I wanted to forget it. I was drunk and despite to know exactly what was happening between Keram and I, nobody will believe me because, of course, I was drunk. So I decided to forget that and move on without giving him a lot of confidence.
“Guys, what are you doing here?”
“Hmm… smell good! What are you cooking, sweetheart?” – Peter asked me, giving me a hug and a kiss near my lips. Peter always has a crush for me but… he’s a womanizer like my brother. I knew exactly how to live with guys like him. But I love him. He’s so fucking funny and just do shit. He makes me remember Jimmy. (Yeah, I know. everything and everybody make me remember Jimmy.)
“I’m doing lasagna. Do you want to lunch here with us?”
“We love you, sis!” – Taylor and Lisa said giving me a kiss, each one on one of my cheeks. I greeted Michael too (who is the calmer element of the group) and then Keram approached me.
“Listen, Vi. I wanna apology-”
“Keram, let’s forget that, okay?”
“I mean, I…”
“We will forget that but you will also forget me.” - I turned my back to him and walked to the kitchen where everybody was. Some moments later, Bea was with us and we started to lunch. Michael said us it will have a contest of live music at the Hotel Café.
“We should go, Vi. All we’ve been doing is work and work.”
“Yeah. I need to go out with you guys. I’m going insane if I still living in the middle of this four walls. Me and Bea.”
“So, you can count with you two?”
“Sure!”
“Maybe, tonight we’ll hear Violet sing for the first time.” – Lisa said kicking Michael with her elbow.
“No you won’t!” – The last time I sang was with Jimmy in ‘our’ London garden. Since that, I couldn’t sing to anyone. It like the words don’t come out of my mouth and when they come out, the words is silence.
“Come on, honey. You’ll go to that contest!”
“Forget it, Peter. I won’t!”
“Violet… you have to go. Nobody knows you in LA. What’s the fuckin’ problem? If you sing bad, I promise, I won’t make fun of you.”
“Very funny, Taylor. Seriously, guys. I can’t do it.”
“Come on, Vi. I’ll participate. Let’s go both of us. It will be fun!” – Keram said. I liked to see him like that, as he was before. I looked at all of them and… I accepted to participate in the contest.
“Okay. I go!”
“YEAH!”
*** At 10 pm ***
“Vi! Did you see my blue high heels?”
“Look for it on your feet!”
“Oh! Shit!”
“My God, Bea. You’re so silly!”
“Shut the fuck up, Peter. Well, I’m ready. We can go!”
We left our room and walked towards the main gate of the university to wait for the taxi. Five minutes later, the taxi arrived there. We gave the direction to the motorist and we started the trip to Hotel Café.
We arrived there and when we came into there, the bar was full of people. It was difficult to find a free table. We had to wait fifteen minutes to get one. During that time, Keram and I went to do the register to the contest. There weren’t many people participating on it so Keram would be the 4th and I would be the 5th.
We went to the table where the guys were and asked for some drinks. I didn’t ask alcohol because I would sing and… I’m not a lucky girl so I preferred don’t take the risk.
Two girls and one boy did their performance and was Keram’s turn. He walked to the stage and took the guitar that was there. When he started to play guitar, quickly I recognized that melody. It was one of the songs Keram wrote to me when we started ‘dating’. It was call ‘The Big End’ and every time I heard him to sing that song I started to cry because… (I took a deep breath right now) because it made me think about Jimmy.
‘Things can change so fast. Perhaps to see the pain? From the first to the last. And there’s no time to think about the reason or jumping the train.’
That song made me think so much in all I lived or in the things I didn’t live because I was still waiting for Jimmy. I can blame myself for all I did but I still believe me. I still believe in Jimmy. I still believe in us.
Keram finished his performance and now was my turn. I walked towards the stage and Keram gave me a supported hug. It was good feel his friendship. I sat on the chair that was in the middle of the stage and took the guitar that Keram used to his performance. I looked down to it, thinking which song I could sing. I thought in so many songs I wrote but one of them I really had to sing.
“Hello everyone. I’m Violet and it’s the first time I sing in public so… forgive me if I don’t sing a shit. The last time I sang was with a good friend of mine… he was more than a friend and… he still being more than a friend even I didn’t know anything about him from years but… well, I chose a song that I wrote after lose my virginity with him. Wherever he is… this is for him.This song calls 'Wrapped in your Arms'.” – I said all that without looking at the audience. If I did that, I swear I couldn’t get to open my mouth and sing something. I was looking to the guitar while I was talking. When I stop my ‘beautiful’ speech, I started playing guitar till the first words began coming out. When I started the chorus, tears ran over my face and even I was with my eyes closed, I couldn’t help them. It was stronger than me. I was seeing all the moments I lived with Jimmy. All the moments. When I was finishing the second part of the song, I opened my eyes and I couldn’t believe who I was seeing in front of me.
‘All the times I've needed you
You've never left my side
I'm clinging to your every word
Don't ever let me go
Don't let go.’
I looked at my front and I saw a group of six young men and five young ladies. One of the guys was staring at me with his eyes full of tears while the guys around him were making fun of him unless one: Jason. It was Jimmy. This time, I was really seeing Jimmy. I cried even more but I didn’t stop to sing the song. My eyes were staring just to one person: Jimmy. Everybody else disappeared and just Jimmy and I were in that room. I stopped the song, I leaned the guitar on its support, never taking my eyes of Jimmy and I left the stage. Jimmy got up of his chair and walked towards me.
My feet led me to him as if I had no control over them. I was now in front of Jimmy. He started crying too with no shame of show people how he was feeling all this. His hand travelled to my check as if he was checking I was real, as if he didn’t believe he was with me. When I felt his touch I couldn’t control myself anymore and jumped to him, holding him tightly. His hands travelled to my back, pushing me against his body until there wasn’t more space between us. A few moments later, we drifted apart a bit to face each other. My hands ran to his cheeks and his ones did the same.
I can't say what I felt at that moment. I just know that soon I felt his lips glued to mine and my heart almost exploded with such missing, happiness and love I was feeling at that moment. The kiss became slowly and we stopped it leaning our foreheads on each other. I looked at that crystal blue eyes and I couldn’t believe I was with my Jimmy.
"Ji- Jimmy..."
"I thought I'd never ever find you again!"
“Help here! I need to know more about the band… I need to know everything about the band!” – I got up of the floor and wiping tears from my face with the sleeve of my sweater, I walked towards my laptop, turning it on. I couldn’t believe what was happening around me, what was happening in that moment. I couldn’t believe Jimmy was looking for me. But what hurts me more in this entire fuckin’ story was the fact the guy I met at the plain, Jason, was a friend of Jimmy. How could it be possible? How could I be so near Jimmy right now without have any information about him when I had all his life by my side through Jason?
Gosh, I’m feeling so stupid, so idiot right now. But beside all this, I had a hope to find Jimmy. Bea seemed to know the band perfectly and she would be a great help. She was freaking out with the entire story between Jimmy and me. I was about to tell her all what happened but I never told my true story with Jimmy. Neither to my mom, neither to my brother. They knew we had something really strong but they believe Jimmy and I were just good friend.
Bea walked towards me looking at me with a very worry look and sat next to me looking at the screen of my laptop. I connected the internet and asked her to show me all about Avenged Sevenfold.
“Well, till now, they recorded three albums. The last one was City of Evil, in June.”
“I can’t believe this. Why did I stop with the research about them?”
“I wouldn’t ask you why you are saying this because I know you won’t tell me anything. Oh! ‘The band was formed in 1999 in Huntington Beach, California with original members M. Shadows, Zacky Vengeance, The Rev and Matt Wendt. M Shadows came up with the name as a reference to the story of Cain and Abel from The Bible, which can be found in Genesis 4:24, although they are not a religious band.’”
“Show me more about Jimmy…”
“Well, all I can show to you is their songs and the music videos.”
“Show me all you can.” – I was so nervous and excited to know more about the guys and, the most important, how Jimmy was. When Bea showed me some photos of Jimmy and a video clip, my entire body began shaking as if I was with hyperthermia. All my muscles hurt and my teeth were beating in each others. – “Vi, are you feeling okay?” – I wasn’t able to answer her. I tried to speak, to say something but the words didn’t come out of my mouth. My body was shaking more and more and I felt my body losing strength and I fainted.
I woke up some hours later in hospital room with an oxygen mask on my face. My eyes were heavy and I felt some difficulties to open them. I looked at my right and were there Bea with Keram. I wondered what Keram was doing there but quickly I forgot that. I saw Bea walking from side to side and Keram was beside me, holding my hand and stroking my head. I still felt a little dizzy and, one more time, I saw Jimmy instead of Keram. My heart was beating faster and my breath was heavy when he looked at me.
“Jimmy?” – I asked what made Keram look at me with a confuse look. I saw Bea ran towards me and took my other hand and kissed it.
“No, Vi. He’s Keram. Jimmy isn’t here.” – Bea said. I looked again to Keram and now I could see him what made me feel a little disappointed.
“How are you feeling?” – Keram asked, smiling at me. I could see he was uncomfortable with what I had said. I looked at him and smiled too trying to feeling him better.
“I’m better. But… what happened? I can’t remember anything…”
“Vi… I was showing to you a photos and videos of A7X and… you started to feel bad and you fainted when I asked you if everything was okay with you.”
“I have to contact with him.” – I said getting up of the bed. Keram stopped me grabbing my arms and pushing me down to the bed.
“You don’t go anywhere.”
“Keram… let me go!”
“Violet, he’s right. You’re still weak. You have to wait to talk with the doctor.”
“Bea, I’m great. All I need is talk with Jimmy, not with the fuckin’ doctor. No, let me go.”
“Vi, please. Stay!” – Bea said grabbing my head while Keram was sitting on the chair next to me. – “Listen, I’ll do a search for you.”
“Yes, you will. But I’ll be there with you.” – When I was about to get up of the bed again, the doctor came into the room. It was a very good looking guy, charming with very beautiful hazel eyes. Bea and I stood looking at him like little girls seeing a very sexy guy. He approached me with a huge smile in his face and for some moments I believe Bea and I though in the same thing: rape him!
“Well, well! It seems my dear Violet is ready to get out of this hospital room.”
“Absolutely!”
“Well, you have to be here just a little more…”
“Please, doctor…” – I look to his identification card to know his name. – “… doctor Smith… like… John Smith. Let me go. I’m feeling great!”
“Well, miss Pocahontas. You can go but you have here pills to calm you down. You have a panic attack and it’s not good. I’d like to see you again but… I hope not in this hospital, are you hear me?”
“Deal! Now I really have to go!” – Bea took my things and Keram helped me to get up of the bed and we left the room. For some moments I forget what brought me to the hospital with that sexy man with that medical gown but it wasn’t too long to feel down again. Keram helped me to come into his car and them we arrived till the residence.
In the next weeks, Bea and I tried to contact with the managers of the band through their site and MySpace but… anything. No answer for anyone. We discovered Brian’s dad, Brian Haner Sr. or Guitar Guy like he was known, was famous too and we found his official website. One more time, we tried to have an answer about Jimmy but… nothing. I was desperate. I was so near of my dream boy and at the same time so far away. And he was so different. He was always beautiful in my eyes, he was the most sweet guy that I’ve ever knew. And he made me feel so good. His love made me feel so good and happy. I could know me through him.
Two mouths passed and I'm dating with Keram. I mean, I started to going out with him but one day we kissed. I couldn’t control the situation and I couldn’t say no to him. I confess I don’t know what happened between us. He’s a cool guy. He’s also a musician. Keram made me lots of surprises throughout this time, including serenades, chocolates, songs he wrote for me… he’s such a cute guy and I like him very much.
Tonight, I go to dinner with him in a top restaurant and I’m very nervous about that. Keram and I never had sex. I just can’t give that step. Jimmy still being very important to me and let another guy find what was of Jimmy… God, it’s really hard to accept that. Bea is saying all the time that it’s tonight. Tonight, Keram and I will make sex. She told me to wear a sexy dress and put high heels on. I did what she told me to do and right now I’m in front of my mirror looking at a bitch. I really love the dress and the heels but… I never thought in dress me like that to go out with another guy that wasn’t Jimmy.
“Oh… my… fucking… God! You look gorgeous!”
“Bea, please, don’t say that. I’ll choose another thing to wear.”
“What? Are you out of your mind? You’re beautiful like that. Keram will love it.”
“That’s the problem. I don’t want him to love it.”
“You don’t want him to love it or… to love you? Vi, please! You have to forget what happened. I don’t know anything about your past but… do you think that what you really want will happen after all this time?” – Bea was right and it hurts to know she is so fucking right. I have to carry on and live my life. I can’t wait for Jimmy for the rest of my life. If he gave up on me, it’s because something made him regret for what we had. Besides of we are near each other, he’s not here and even he’s my life, I have to life the another part of my life. The real one.
“Okay! I’ll call Keram to tell him I’m ready.” – It wasn’t necessary call him. When I took my phone to call him, he knocked on the door and Bea ran towards it to open it. She asked me if I was ready and I said yes with my head. She opened it and Keram came into and looked at me amazed.
“You’re perfect everyday of your life but… you’re more than perfect tonight… you’re… Gosh, I’m speechless.”
“Thank you, Keram. Well, I’m ready so… can we go?”
“Sure!” – He held my hand and we left the room. Bea wished me good luck crossing her fingers but I wasn’t as happy as she was. I didn’t want to do that. I was feeling bad to be with Keram. I was feeling bad to make him believe we were dating. I was feeling bad because I was imagining I was with Jimmy.
We went to dinner at a top restaurant like I said before. When we arrived there I saw that he brought me to the one of the top restaurant in LA: Melisse Restaurant in Santa Monica. We came into the restaurant and quickly approached a man forwarding us to the table that Keram had booked. The more time I spent with him, the worse I felt to be lying to him, or to be lying to myself.
“I’m so glad you’re here with me tonight.” – He said, holding my hand. I stood there, looking at his hand over mine, without saying a word. – “I don’t know anything about your past but I’ve to confess that the fact I don’t know a thing about you, it made me love you even more...”
“Keram, I…” – I knew what he was saying couldn’t become even worst so I tried to stop his speech to tell him the truth but he didn’t let me speak.
“Since the first day I saw you… Wow, it’s like… I don’t know… I think I fell in love with you in that exact moment…”
“Keram, stop…”
“Let me finish. It’s important. I wanna tell you I love to have you as my girlfriend…”
“Keram, I’m not you’re girlfriend…” - I said whispering because everybody was staring at us like they were waiting to see him proposing me.
“…and I would like to give you…” – he made a pause on his speech to look at me. Finally he stopped talking and looked at me to give me more attention. – “What did you say?”
“Keram… I’m trying to tell you this from the beginning… I can’t be your girlfriend.”
“It’s too soon, right? I understand I can wait…”
“Keram… it’s not about time… it’s about me… I don’t love you as you love me.”
“I know that, you always said that to me but I can wait till the day you love me. I can make you love me.”
“You can’t do anything to make a person fall in love with you, Keram. You can’t!”
“But… what about the song I wrote to you? What about all I gave you? What about everything I do to you every single day?” – He started to talk louder and everybody began to look at us.
“Keram, calm down. Everybody is staring at us…”
“And about that, uh? What’s the problem? If I was your dear friend Jimmy, you wouldn’t care, right? Who is he, Vi? Who is Jimmy?”
“Let's forget this, okay? I don’t want to end the night arguing with you…”
“When, Vi? When do you starting worry about me, just a little bit? When?”
“I worry about you! I like you, Keram. I really do. You’re very special to me, you know that. But I can’t still lie to you. I can’t. I can’t still lie to you and I can’t still lie to myself. I have to put a final mark in my past, okay? Then… maybe the things will be different.”
“And when will you do that?”
“I don’t know…” – I said almost whispering while my eyes looking to my lap. Even after all this discussion, I felt much better. I couldn't continue to have that relationship with Keram still loving Jimmy. I can't use a person to forget another. It’s too bad and unfair. But all that conversation made me think even more in Jimmy. So, I asked for a bottle of the best wine they had. I started to drink and drink till I became very drunk. Keram didn’t do anything to stop me. I think he really wanted me to get drunk because then he could do what he wanted with me. When we left the restaurant, I couldn’t walk by myself so he helped to walk towards his car.
One hour later, I woke up in Keram’s bed just with my underwear. I was still drunk and I looked to my right and I saw a guy leaving the bathroom. I looked better at him and was Jimmy. He was just with his boxers and smiled to me when he saw I was already wake up. He walked towards me and sat by my side, stroking my chest with his hand. I closed my eyes to feel his touch and when I wasn’t expecting that, I felt his lips on mine.
“I knew you love me.” – He said in the middle of the kiss.
“Of course I love you… I love you from the beginning and nothing makes me love anyone but you.”
“Will you forget him?”
“I will forget everybody because you’re the only one who matters.”
“I love you, Vi.”
“I love you too, Jimmy. I love you till the end.” – He stopped the kiss for a few seconds but nothing made me open my eyes in that moment. All I wanted was kiss him and feel him next to me once again. His fingers travelled from my ear to my lips and then he kissed me deeply and passionately. His hands were now on my waist and he pulled me over him. His lips were searching all the details of my body what made me moan.
I could feel his horny member near my leg what made my desire from him grow up. He became violent and was grabbing my arms with some violence. He started to take my underwear off also with violence. I was feeling very uncomfortable this time. It wasn’t my Jimmy. My jimmy never ever acted with me like that. When he was about to put his tense member inside of me, I opened my eyes and I couldn’t believe I was with Keram and no with Jimmy. I felt a huge want to throw up at the moment. I pushed him from me and ran away from him while I took my clothes off the floor. I couldn’t be able to look at him again and ran to my bedroom that was in from of his one.
I came into my room, slamming the door with some strength, eventually waking Bea. She looked at me and asked what happened but I just had time to run towards the bathroom and throw up. She approached me, holding my hair while I was still throwing up all I had in my stomach. I stopped for a few moments and leaned myself on the bathtub looking at Bea.
“You won’t believe what that son of a bitch tried to do with me.”
“What happened?”
“He seized the opportunity of have me drunk to have sex with me. I don’t know if he could get it or not but… I thought I was with Ji… with anyone else and I called him another name but nevertheless he didn’t stop.”
“Are you sure about what you’re saying?”
“Fuck you, Bea. Fuck you! I know exactly what happened with that jerk, okay? Luckily, I opened my eyes sooner and saw what that idiot was doing with me.”
“Oh my God… come on… get up! You have to take a shower and then we’ll sleep. Tomorrow is another day and you can talk with him and understand what happened.” – Bea helped me to get up of the floor and I went to take a shower while she prepared all my stuff to sleep.
In the next day, I woke up with a big… no, with a huge headache that almost break my head. I looked at Bea’s bed and she wasn’t there. I went to our little kitchen and prepared a quick breakfast: cereals with milk. Some minutes later, Bea was coming back.
“Are you ready to come back to our investigation?”
“Sure. I need to know where Jimmy is.”
“Violet, I’m not talking about that… I was talking about our REAL investigation. I thought you had given up.”
“You know what? I’ll never give up finding him. Well, about the REAL investigation. Let me just put on some clothes and some make up and I’m ready.”
“Oh God… 3 hours waiting. I’ll see a movie or something.”
“Give me a break!” – I said, smiling while I walked towards my closet.
In the next days, I tried to avoid Keram. I wasn’t ready to talk with him about what happened neither to look at him.
*** January, 5th 2006 ***
“Vi, someone is knocking the door. Can you check who is it? I’m in the shower.”
“Sure! But move you’re dirty ass. I want to take a shower too.” – I was in the chicken making the lunch for both of us and went to the door to see who was knocking. I opened and it was some friends of ours (Peter, Michael, Taylor, Lisa) and… Keram. I didn’t talking with him yet and he never called me to talk about what was going on that night. Well, I have to say that I didn’t really talk about that. I wanted to forget it. I was drunk and despite to know exactly what was happening between Keram and I, nobody will believe me because, of course, I was drunk. So I decided to forget that and move on without giving him a lot of confidence.
“Guys, what are you doing here?”
“Hmm… smell good! What are you cooking, sweetheart?” – Peter asked me, giving me a hug and a kiss near my lips. Peter always has a crush for me but… he’s a womanizer like my brother. I knew exactly how to live with guys like him. But I love him. He’s so fucking funny and just do shit. He makes me remember Jimmy. (Yeah, I know. everything and everybody make me remember Jimmy.)
“I’m doing lasagna. Do you want to lunch here with us?”
“We love you, sis!” – Taylor and Lisa said giving me a kiss, each one on one of my cheeks. I greeted Michael too (who is the calmer element of the group) and then Keram approached me.
“Listen, Vi. I wanna apology-”
“Keram, let’s forget that, okay?”
“I mean, I…”
“We will forget that but you will also forget me.” - I turned my back to him and walked to the kitchen where everybody was. Some moments later, Bea was with us and we started to lunch. Michael said us it will have a contest of live music at the Hotel Café.
“We should go, Vi. All we’ve been doing is work and work.”
“Yeah. I need to go out with you guys. I’m going insane if I still living in the middle of this four walls. Me and Bea.”
“So, you can count with you two?”
“Sure!”
“Maybe, tonight we’ll hear Violet sing for the first time.” – Lisa said kicking Michael with her elbow.
“No you won’t!” – The last time I sang was with Jimmy in ‘our’ London garden. Since that, I couldn’t sing to anyone. It like the words don’t come out of my mouth and when they come out, the words is silence.
“Come on, honey. You’ll go to that contest!”
“Forget it, Peter. I won’t!”
“Violet… you have to go. Nobody knows you in LA. What’s the fuckin’ problem? If you sing bad, I promise, I won’t make fun of you.”
“Very funny, Taylor. Seriously, guys. I can’t do it.”
“Come on, Vi. I’ll participate. Let’s go both of us. It will be fun!” – Keram said. I liked to see him like that, as he was before. I looked at all of them and… I accepted to participate in the contest.
“Okay. I go!”
“YEAH!”
*** At 10 pm ***
“Vi! Did you see my blue high heels?”
“Look for it on your feet!”
“Oh! Shit!”
“My God, Bea. You’re so silly!”
“Shut the fuck up, Peter. Well, I’m ready. We can go!”
We left our room and walked towards the main gate of the university to wait for the taxi. Five minutes later, the taxi arrived there. We gave the direction to the motorist and we started the trip to Hotel Café.
We arrived there and when we came into there, the bar was full of people. It was difficult to find a free table. We had to wait fifteen minutes to get one. During that time, Keram and I went to do the register to the contest. There weren’t many people participating on it so Keram would be the 4th and I would be the 5th.
We went to the table where the guys were and asked for some drinks. I didn’t ask alcohol because I would sing and… I’m not a lucky girl so I preferred don’t take the risk.
Two girls and one boy did their performance and was Keram’s turn. He walked to the stage and took the guitar that was there. When he started to play guitar, quickly I recognized that melody. It was one of the songs Keram wrote to me when we started ‘dating’. It was call ‘The Big End’ and every time I heard him to sing that song I started to cry because… (I took a deep breath right now) because it made me think about Jimmy.
‘Things can change so fast. Perhaps to see the pain? From the first to the last. And there’s no time to think about the reason or jumping the train.’
That song made me think so much in all I lived or in the things I didn’t live because I was still waiting for Jimmy. I can blame myself for all I did but I still believe me. I still believe in Jimmy. I still believe in us.
Keram finished his performance and now was my turn. I walked towards the stage and Keram gave me a supported hug. It was good feel his friendship. I sat on the chair that was in the middle of the stage and took the guitar that Keram used to his performance. I looked down to it, thinking which song I could sing. I thought in so many songs I wrote but one of them I really had to sing.
“Hello everyone. I’m Violet and it’s the first time I sing in public so… forgive me if I don’t sing a shit. The last time I sang was with a good friend of mine… he was more than a friend and… he still being more than a friend even I didn’t know anything about him from years but… well, I chose a song that I wrote after lose my virginity with him. Wherever he is… this is for him.This song calls 'Wrapped in your Arms'.” – I said all that without looking at the audience. If I did that, I swear I couldn’t get to open my mouth and sing something. I was looking to the guitar while I was talking. When I stop my ‘beautiful’ speech, I started playing guitar till the first words began coming out. When I started the chorus, tears ran over my face and even I was with my eyes closed, I couldn’t help them. It was stronger than me. I was seeing all the moments I lived with Jimmy. All the moments. When I was finishing the second part of the song, I opened my eyes and I couldn’t believe who I was seeing in front of me.
‘All the times I've needed you
You've never left my side
I'm clinging to your every word
Don't ever let me go
Don't let go.’
I looked at my front and I saw a group of six young men and five young ladies. One of the guys was staring at me with his eyes full of tears while the guys around him were making fun of him unless one: Jason. It was Jimmy. This time, I was really seeing Jimmy. I cried even more but I didn’t stop to sing the song. My eyes were staring just to one person: Jimmy. Everybody else disappeared and just Jimmy and I were in that room. I stopped the song, I leaned the guitar on its support, never taking my eyes of Jimmy and I left the stage. Jimmy got up of his chair and walked towards me.
My feet led me to him as if I had no control over them. I was now in front of Jimmy. He started crying too with no shame of show people how he was feeling all this. His hand travelled to my check as if he was checking I was real, as if he didn’t believe he was with me. When I felt his touch I couldn’t control myself anymore and jumped to him, holding him tightly. His hands travelled to my back, pushing me against his body until there wasn’t more space between us. A few moments later, we drifted apart a bit to face each other. My hands ran to his cheeks and his ones did the same.
I can't say what I felt at that moment. I just know that soon I felt his lips glued to mine and my heart almost exploded with such missing, happiness and love I was feeling at that moment. The kiss became slowly and we stopped it leaning our foreheads on each other. I looked at that crystal blue eyes and I couldn’t believe I was with my Jimmy.
"Ji- Jimmy..."
"I thought I'd never ever find you again!"