My ***ed up Bachelor Party

~Danny~

“Woah, woah, woah, there wasn’t sex,” I said.

Everyone just stared at me.

“Okay, there was some sex,” I admitted sheepishly.

“Some?” Matt asked.

“Okay! There was some serious shit going on. Dicks out, balls wet, the whole shebang. Happy?”

“Hard nipples? You can’t forget about the nipples,” Dylan spoke up.

“Yes, our nipples were hard,” Matt said impatiently.

“How were your balls wet?” George asked.

“You know...” I began. “Slpoosh, slpoosh, thrust, thrust, spurt, spurt, drip, drip, PLOP.”

A few people on the bus gaped at me. I saw some pants moving, and not because they were being readjusted. I laughed lightly, trying to go unnoticed, but it didn’t work.

“Why are YOU laughing now?” Jordan asked. I thought I caught a bit of agitation in his voice, but I wasn’t sure.

“Hes’ laughing at something he remembered. Aren’t you, Danny?” Matt asked.

“Yeah, totally,” I replied.

“ANYway,” Dylan started. “Let’s get back to the story.”

“Alright. Daaannnnny?” Matt pushed.

“Fine, fine. It was the day before the wedding...”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Have a great day, babe,” Theresa said over the phone.

“You, too,” I uttered.

“And don’t push yourself. Everything will work out. Promise.”

She always knew how to make me feel better. “Okay. Theresa...”

“Yeah?” She asked.

“I love you.”

I could feel her smile through the phone. “I love you, too. See you tomorrow?”

“Of course! And I will make sure EVERYONE comes, as well. No matter how stupid they may get tonight.”

A little laugh. “Alright. Bye, Daniel.”

“Bye, Theresa.”

It took us a while to decide who was gonna hang up first. Theresas’ friends called her over, so she ended up closing the call first. I hung up the phone and drove off to Bates Motel, where the party would begin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So the whipped pussy finally showed up!” Ethan shouted as I shut the car door.

“I am NOT whipped!” I shouted back.

“Do you get pussy?” I heard Jordan ask from the second floor.

I responded after me and Ethans’ little ‘bro-shake’. “Duh.”

“OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” I heard some of the guys respond.

Ethan patted me on the back. “You’ll never say that around Theresa, though.”

“Duh,” I repeated.

Ethan led me up the steps of the motel, and we made it to our second floor room. Everyone was there. Except Aron.

“Wheres’ Aron?” Deja vu.

All of them exchanged looks. Their faces said it all.

“Hes’ not here,” George responded.

“Yeah. He said he got sick from his sister Arina, who came down with something. He left a present though,” Matt finished.

“He did?” I asked, surprised.

“Yeah. Its’ the box with the black paper. You’re not opening it yet, thought,” he added.

“Why not?” I asked, incredulous.

“We’re taking you somewhere.”

“Where?”

“You’re about to find out,” Jorel cut in.

“You’re gonna love it,” Luke interjected.

“We all put something in,” Heath added.

“I put the most!” Dylan yelled from the bathroom.

“No you didn’t!” Jorel yelled back.

The toilet flushed. “Yes I did, fucker!” Dylan snapped when he stepped out of the bathroom.

“No, Matt did,” Jordan said.

We stared at him.

“What?” He asked.

“You’re never nice to Matt,” Dylan said. “Why the sudden change?”

“I hate you Matt,” Jordan corrected.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way,” Matt said happily.

“NOW LETS’ GO GET YO PRESENT!” Luke shouted.

“YEAH!” Heath responded.

Brothers. They ran out the door, beckoning us without trying.

The rest of us pounded after them, reaching a dark gray tarp in the parking lot. It was at the far end, where no one would really think about it.

“Oh God,” I started. “What is it?”

“DUDES AND MAN-WHORE!” Heath said when he looked over Matt. “WE HAVE THE BEST PRESENT ANY MAN HAS EVER GOTTEN AT HIS BACHELOR PARTY!”

Heath and Luke, as well as a few others, grabbed the tarp and pulled on it, exposing...

“You guys didn’t... you bought me a CAR?!” I shouted as I ran to it. The red Chevrolet Chevelle Malibu Coupe was WAY better than my brown 1980 beat-up Ford Pinto wagon. “How the hell did you guys afford this!?”

“We did say we all put something in it,” Dylan stated. “Besides, I knew the guy who was wanting to sell it. I got it at a some what lower price.”

I ran up to each of the guys, Matt last, and gave them a huge hug. I even squeezed and shook Matt a bit.

I got a series of ‘no prob’s, ‘you’re welcome’s, and a ‘what the hell?’. The last was from Matt.

“‘Cause you paid the most, remember?” I reminded him.

“Oh yeah,” was his response.

I didn’t respond because Ethan grabbed my arm and pulled back up to the room.

“We’ve got more presents to open!” He said as he opened the door. Everyone filed in after us, taking their seats from before. I sat at the head of the bed farthest from the door, right by the stack of presents. Next to Matt.

Ethan grabbed a small box with with gold wrapping. It was about the size of a head. I shook it.

“I wonder what it is...”

“It’s from me,” Ethan said. “I know you like gold and black.”

“May I?”

“Of course!”

I tore off the wrapping paper, and it exposed a regular box. I opened it.

“Like it?” Ethan asked, hope shimmering in his eyes.

“Like it?” It was a mask, with gold paint covering it, with black splatter across it. “I love it!” I always had a thing for gold and black clothing items. I gave Ethan another bro-shake, with an added hug.

“Okay, time for my present!” Dylan shouted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I received a lot of gifts, including the June issue of PlayBoy magazine(Dylan), two hats(one black, one red) with awesome-looking L.A.’s above the bill(Jordan), Cool Water cologne(Jorel), a black clothing ensemble(George), a gray track suit(Luke), and four Calvin Klein boxers/an assortment of tight boxer briefs(Heath).

“All right,” I started. “Time for Arons’ gift.”

“Okay. Be warned, I have no idea what it is. It comes with a note, too,” George stated. He picked up the box and passed it to me. I took Arons’ note* and read it. I laughed after I finished. I put it somewhere safe, and began ripping the black paper. Again, another box. I lifted to safety hatch and peaked inside.

“Ho... ly... shit!” I shouted.

“What?!” Everyone screamed in unison.

I quickly shut the tiny space between the lid and the box. “You don’t wanna know,” I replied to the guys.

“No, seriously, what is it?” Jordan asked.

“Are you guys SURE you wanna know?”

“Yes!” They responded.

I peaked again, and I swear I got a boner. I can only imagine what I can do with these... “Here we go.”

I turned the box around, and lifted the lid entirely to show the dudes.

“What... the FUCK?” George and Jordan said at the same time. Then everyone fell to the ground, laughing their asses off.

“What a fucking genius!” Luke shouted.

“I know! Wish I’d thought of that!” Heath replied. They continued to laugh.

“Lift the lid again! I wanna see if my eyes are playin’ tricks!” George requested. I did as he asked.

“Nice move, Aron!” Dylan shouted to the ceiling.

“I can’t believe he stuck sex toys into your present!” George beamed. “We’ve got... lingerie, fuzzy handcuffs, cock sleeves, dildos, GLASS dildos, and a fucking vibrator.” He paused. “And a mother fucking assortment of Trojan condoms...” He started counting. “You’ve got over fucking fifty! You fucking fuck bunny!”

I started laughing. “Guess I’m gonna be busy on my honeymoon, huh?”

“Daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn straight! You better use those fucking condoms!” Jorel laughing inbetween his fits of laughter.

“Yeah man! Can’t let your wife get little mini-Dannys running around!” Dylan added.

We all resumed laughing, but in the center of it all, I wouldn’t mind having kids. After all, we are going to be husband and wife. I smiled harder at the thought.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few hours pass...

“No, no, I’m telling you, Christie Hemme is way hotter than Bai Ling,” Dylan stated.

“Yeah, but Bai has a light saber. Christie only has WWE,” Heath countered.

“Come on, guys!” Jorel screeched. “We all know Lita is more badass, sexy, and awesome.”

“Yeah, but shes’ a whore,” Luke stated matter-a-factly.

“It doesn’t matter, shes’ still fucking sexy as all hell,” Jorel said happily, thinking he won the argument.

“She dated Matt Hardy, Kane, and Edge. Kane is fucking ugly, Matt Hardy was a loser, and Edge was WAY to cocky,” Jordan opened.

“Exactly. WHORE ALERT!” Luke shouted.

“I’d still fuck her,” Jorel said, sadness coming over his voice a little.

“You’d be number 5,000, then,” Heath said.

“I don’t care,” Jorel said.

“I hope you get AIDS,” Dylan replied.

“Fuck you,” Jorel responded.

“I don’t want AIDS,” Dylan said smartly.

“Why you so sad, Jorel?” Matt asked randomly.

“I finally broke up with my girlfriend,” Jorel stated.

“YEAH! YAY!” The room cheered.

“Jorel: 1, Black Dahlia: 0,” George said.

“Yeah, but it feels weird,” Jorel admitted.

“Why?” I asked.

“I don’t know.”

“Eat something,” Dylan suggested.

“I don’t feel like eating.”

“Let’s go to a strip club!” Heath and Luke said simultaneously.

“We can’t! We have to stay with Danny Boy,” George said.

“It’s fine guys,” I spoke up.

“Are you sure?” Heath and Luke asked in unison.

“Sure, I need my sleep,” I admitted. “But be back so you can get some sleep for tomorrow. Say around 4. Sound good?”

“Yeah, Man! THANK YOU!” Heath ran up to me, followed by Luke, and gave me two bear hugs.

“Go! Before 12, guys. Not a lot of time.”

“Alright! LETS’ GO!”

Brothers. “See ya!” I called after them.

“Bye! You guys, with us!” Everyone, excluding me and Matt, got up and headed to the door.

“Don’t tell, okay?” Jordan asked.

“Just don’t get any chicks pregnant, ‘kay?” I pleaded.

“That’s not the game plan. Just to see a few dance, and eat a few hot wings,” Dylan said.

“Alright. 4! Don’t forget!”

“We won’t!” With that, everyone headed for their cars.

“Why aren’t you going?” I asked Matt.

“I’m talking to someone. A girl. No better way to fuck a possible relationship then to go to strip club,” he finished. “Right?”

“True.”

Matt and me continued to talk, a lot better without everyone screaming that they’re right.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our laughter filled the room, pushing back the silence that was there before.

“Theres’ no way that’d EVER happen,” Matt concluded.

“How do you know?” I asked him.

“Because I just do,” he replied, facing the wall in front of him. He sipped his Coca-Cola(again, I asked him not to drink around me), then swallowed.

I stared at his Adams’ apple. I wondered why it was called that.

“Hey Matt, do you ever wonder why an Adams’ apple is called an Adams’ apple?”

“Because Adam kissed Eves’ apples,” Matt snickered a reply.

I laughed a little. “That makes sense.”

“Sure it does.”

We were silent for a while. Then a thought hit me. Earlier....

Before I could really think about the consequences, I leaned over and placed my curious lips on Matts’ unsuspecting ones. My tounge grazed his wet, Coke-tainted tounge, and I wondered if he felt that same weird feeling in his chest as I did.