Forever

The texture of the aged wood tickled my thighs as I kicked my feet back and forth, swishing the blue water around gently. The ripples flowing miles before me were painted lovely colors while the sun fell slowly from the sky as I watched from the dock. The calming sounds of little waves crashing on the shore were like a lullaby to my already asleep self.

Dreaming had become beautiful again. For years, my mind would always put me in places I’d designated for Twitch, even when my imagination could take me absolutely anywhere. But now, I had more control. However, control had not eased my everlasting pain.

I had come to terms with agony and loss because it seems that those two scoundrels just couldn't get enough of me. Suffering fed from me like a vampire and the only way that I could survive was to fill my aching veins with false content and to use distraction as my anesthetic.

But numbness only worked for so long. Sometimes, to heal, one must allow the wound to breathe. For me, dreamland was like unwrapping my bandage and holding it out for my own world to see.

Perhaps that was the beauty of my dreams. They were real. When the body falls into slumber, one’s natural human instincts take rein. The brain that we use to hide our emotions is under the authority of the heart, which pumps blood throughout the body and powers it. In sleep, the mind succumbs to the heart’s needs and no longer fights it as, without the heart, the mind would shut down and perish.

I did not have to cover up my feelings in dreams, no matter how much they hurt to expose.

As the last of light sunk beneath the sea, so did my happiness, as expected, whilst the darkness invaded and engulfed the sky in black. I leaned back onto my arms and pulled my feet from the now chilling liquid below.

Something unexpected happened after a moment. Tiny sparkles began to manifest in the void above me. The glitter seemed to multiply by the second and I watched as they swirled and scattered. As they fell closer and I was able see the shine that only a star could emit.

I had not seen stars in my skies since my Twitchy left.

Some stars twisted into galaxies, patiently moving with the current of the water which held its reflection. The gorgeous mirror of the sea created the illusion of more of the universe under me. I felt as if my little dock was a spaceship flying in the amazing frontier, discovering galaxies in which man had never seen. They were my galaxies. My stars.

Twitch was my stars.

Just then, I remembered the night before my birthday all those years ago, when I’d thought up that pretty story about a star and a cloud.

It had just been a tale to me then, but now, I realized the truth behind it.

Suddenly, stars escaped from their captor and fell like snow in to the water and onto my skin, coating me in shimmer.

The sensation gave me chills, as Twitch’s touch had.

At that moment, I knew.

“I’m coming, Twitchy,” I whispered as I stood and I sprinted off of the dock on the balls of my feet, as if dancing. I jogged through the sand, kicking up the light, powdery substance as I made my way through and to the woods separating me from my love.

My bare feet did not feel as the twigs snapped beneath them whilst I ran amongst the trees. I followed the illumination that marked my nearing destination as it peeked between the pillars of wood under the canopy of leaves above.

I finally reached the high grass, once again under the starry night. It almost felt as if I was swimming deep in the ocean, the soft petals of flowers running against my fingertips like water as the surface twirls miles away. Despite the comfort of my surroundings, I did not feel content. I didn't see him anywhere. I was so sure that it was a sign…that he really came back.

I was delusional. I needed to get over myself and grow up. I hadn't seen him in around six years. He wasn't coming home to me. The stars were just my imagination playing cruel tricks.

At the painfully false alarm, I allowed tears to drip down my cheeks as I thought about how foolish I was and how I was living on childish dreams.

Abruptly, the air grew cold and my thin cardigan was all I had to cover me.

I gripped the sheer fabric of the ribbon tied around my waist and began to fasten it tighter when I felt warmth focus on two places on my back. It was such a stark difference to the brisk wind that shivers over took me. I was allowing the slowly moving heat to caress my cold body until I realized the warmth came from hands. I was paralyzed. The sensation it gave me was electrifying. I wasn’t sure if it was a good feeling or not, but the contact alone was intoxicating. Unusual, intensified. Better than a normal touch.

Frightening.

I’d been visited by scary things in my nightmares and to have one of these creatures so close was disturbing. I did not move a muscle as one set of fingers gently ran up my spine to brush my hair away and over my shoulder.

My eyes grew wide and my jaw was slack when I felt hot breath against my ear. I whimpered, afraid of its devious plan until the unknown being spoke, “Shhh, babygirl, it’s me.”

My knees felt weak as I heard the one voice I yearned for …the velvety tone of the man I gave my heart and soul to.

I didn't know what to say. His touch was so true that I was sure it wasn't an illusion. He was here…With me.

He had to be.

"T-Twitch?" I murmured.

"Mmmm..." was his only response, I felt my muscles relax some.

"T-T-Twitch," I felt my tears arising again, "How are you-- H-How can-"

"Don't worry about that right now, babydoll."

Then his hands began to lower, sliding down my shoulders, exposing my skin as he pushed down the sheer fabric of my cardigan and the thin straps of the short, rose pink dress I wore underneath.

He'd never touched me like this before. When he was with me as a child, he liked to touch me, of course, but in a very loving and platonic way.

Lips kissed the skin behind my ear, making their way to my jaw. He continued to press kisses all the way to my neck, periodically twirling his tongue against my sensitive skin.

Nope, never had he touched me like this before.

I let out a sigh when he nipped at my shoulder. It was so surreal, his hands against me in such a sensual way, his lips against my bare skin. "My beautiful Marilyn, mmmmm..." he spoke softly, his deep, sexy voice sending a shiver down my spine. His fingers trailed down my back as his lips returned to my ear, tickling me with his shaking breath. My knees fell weak when he began to trace my ear with his tongue, his large hands on my hips. I reached behind me to hold the back of his neck to support myself. "I missed you so much, princess, I'm so sorry," he tugged my earlobe between his teeth, stunning me momentarily, "I won't leave you alone like that again."

I couldn't form words. I was too captivated by what was happening.

When he began to suck on my skin, I threw my head back, my breathing quickening. I knew that I would love it if it were him to do this. I had scolded myself at the thought before, when those boys had trapped me, but it was absolutely ridiculous of me to not want it from him. His fond hands sneaked their way to my waist, his fingers hooking through the loops of the bow on my waist and slowly pulling it undone. He pushed the thin cover off my body at a torturous pace, letting his hands return back to my stomach, but not before grazing his fingertips back up my sides.

The emotions that this intensity brought were too much for me to comprehend. I remember wanting to understand that exact feeling when I was younger, but honestly, I'd grown up and it still didn't make any sense. Lust, but not the kind I'd ever experienced before. My body reacted, not just my emotions. Sure, every once in a while he'd say something that made me tingly, but never had it been like this.

Just then, I burst into tears. I was so joyous that he’d come home. I knew he would, I always had. I was his home and he loved me as much as I loved him.

He held the entirety of my body weight against him, rocking us side to side as he cooed in my ear, “Ohh, babygirl, babygirl…Don’t cry. I’m here, baby,” I gripped his forearms in both of my hands, still heaving with tears, “Shhh, I got you. You don’t have to cry anymore.”

“I-I love y-you so much,” I gasped

He let out a soft chuckle, “I love you, too, baby.”

He tucked his face in the crook of my neck and held me until my tears began to subside. His lips gently pressed themselves against my raised skin, soft and warm. I just couldn't believe that it was real. It seemed far too good to be true, but the accuracy of his voice and touch proved otherwise. He even smelled the same: cologne, peppermint and cigarettes. Even as a child, I’d found the scent intoxicating and addictive. Now, as a young woman, still naïve as ever, it was so sexy that if just him in general wasn't enough to make me consider my morals, his aroma would.

“Princess, I want you to close your eyes,” he whispered, “Keep them shut, my love, no matter what. If you love me, you won’t open those pretty eyes of yours.”

“I do, I do love you and I won’t open them,” my assurance came out as nothing short of a feeble squeak.

Of course, I did as he asked and engulfed my world in darkness, left only with the satisfying touch of his fingers to guide me. He rubbed slowly at my hips for a moment before gently turning me to face him. Never have I wanted to do anything as much as I had wanted to open my eyes then. As always, he knew just what I was thinking, “Fight it, baby. Don’t open them.”

I inhaled with a shiver as his the tips of his fingers dragged teasingly up my bare arms. He traced my collarbone with a single digit while his other hand lovingly rest against my neck, “You’re such a beautiful woman,” he breathed.

Woman.

He called me a woman. Not a ‘lovely little girl’, but a beautiful woman.

My tears resurfaced and snuck their way past my closed lids once again.

“Oh, my pretty baby,” he grabbed my cheeks and swiped his thumbs under my eyes, “Don’t you cry. Please don’t cry, I can’t bear to see it.”

I would've obeyed as usual, had I not heard him choking on his own words. Still, I held my eyes shut and grabbed his wrists, touching the warm skin of his hands, “Twitch…”

This is when he spoke and I could really hear the torture in his voice, “I’m so sorry, ma belle princesse. I love you and I just…I’m so sorry, baby. If I could take it all back, I would.”

I had lost the ability to breathe. He tenderly brushed his nose against mine before placing our foreheads together. I tried to memorize everything that I felt so that maybe I could collect enough to picture his face, but I was no good at that. I just wanted to see my love so terribly that my chest began to ache. Again, he seemed to know this and shakily lowered his left hand so that it lay just above my breast. It was amazing, for he gasped when he felt the beat of my essential organ, as it pounded beneath my ribs. I don’t believe it could thump any faster because, for the first time in six years, my heart was complete. He was my heart and when he returned to me, I could function again. I wouldn't have to be shut down any longer, and neither would he. He needed a heartbeat, so together, I was able to give him one.

Against my lips, I felt as he matched his breathing with my pulse before he lost it to sobs, “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! If I could promise forever, I would, but I can’t and I hate myself for it,” he finished his sentence in tormented whispers. It hurt me to hear him like this because he was my strength and when he was broken, so was I.

I threaded my fingers through his hair. I actually smiled when I found it to be curly. Even so, I tried to console him, “Shh, my love. We don’t need forever. God has given us today and we shall not be greedy of it, no matter how long we wish our love to live on,” he tensed up at the word of God, which I found peculiar. For me, to hear the Lord’s name was a release. Despite this, I continued, “Just hold me now and that will be enough.”

“You’re right, baby. You’re always right,” he sniffled.

Hesitantly, as I wasn't sure how he would react, even with how intimate he was being, I dragged my touch down his sharp jaw and neck, sighing in pleasure as his quivering breath moved to my cheek when he pressed the side of his face against my own. He let out a few breathless hiccups as his tears dried. I was mesmerized when his fingertips shifted to ghost up my hips slowly. I gripped the unbuttoned collar of his dress shirt before sliding my hands tentatively under the fabric and feeling his smooth skin.

Up until that moment, I’d been an unwavering Christian girl, loyal to purity. But when I came in contact with his hot skin, I couldn't think of anything I wanted more than him. I conscientiously unfastened a few more buttons so that he knew exactly what I was looking for.

Nervously, he gently nudged my face a few times with his nose so that our lips were mere millimeters apart. I lost all sense of reality when he made the move to gingerly place his mouth upon my own. He laid a few small kisses to my lips, each more urgent than the last, before he finally connected us and didn't pull away.

For some reason unknown to me, the sensation was familiar. Nevertheless, I had absolutely no idea what to do. I let him do most of the work as I awkwardly drank up the experience. I tried to follow his lead but I just didn't understand what to do. My cheeks grew hot with embarrassment.

“Don’t think, babygirl, just kiss me,” he ordered, “Don’t think about it.”

It took me a moment, but as soon as I listened to him and let go, I felt his lips in a much different way.

Suddenly, he roughly grabbed my hips and pulled me flush against him. I was taken aback when I felt his tongue against my lower lip.

Don’t think, babygirl, just kiss me.

Don’t think about it.

I opened my mouth to him and I could hardly think if I wanted to. I just did and it felt awesome.

I was kissing Twitch.

I was making out with Twitch.

I could have squealed like a little girl had it not been for his tongue in my mouth, as funny as it sounds.

Charged, I continued with his buttons until I was able to help him shrug his shirt off. I eagerly touched his bare skin as he forcefully grabbed my face and kissed me with so much passion, my knees fell weak.

Thankfully, rather than having to support my weight any longer, he placed a hand on the small of my back and lowered me to the ground as gracefully as possible without breaking our lip lock, hovering over me. I giggled when his tongue traveled to my throat with tiny, deliberate swirls. He smiled at the sound and I knotted his hair into my fingers with one hand and stroked the rippling muscles of his back as he writhed passionately against me.

I knew he’d had me close my eyes so I couldn't see him, so, with his face nestled into my neck and white-blonde tresses, I figured it was safe for me to open them.

I gasped at the sight of our sky. The stars continued to fall like snow, but the galaxies spun closer than ever as little tufts of clouds floated by, dyed like cotton candy from the illuminations cast by space.

The cloud and the star.

Together again, finally.

The wind blew the tall grass around us like water, swishing about the flowers decorating the ends of some them like butterflies dancing on the surface.

The moment couldn't get any better.

But the moment ended too soon. He had started to nip at my throat until he accidentally bit too hard. In all honesty, I wasn't bothered much by it, but because I know what followed, it was horrible. I only let out a tiny yelp before laughing, “Twitchy!”

I hadn't realized he’d frozen until he’d begun to shake and whimper, “No…No, no, no…”

“Babe? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, honey…Just—Just keep your eyes closed.”

I did as he said for a few seconds until I heard him stifle an inhuman growl into my shoulder. My eyes flew open, “Twitch, are you all right—”

“Don’t disobey me, Marilyn,” I held him tighter, in fear, as his voice had gotten noticeably darker and angrier.

I mewled in fright as he hit the ground beside my head before digging his fingers into the dirt and grass, still trembling, as if in utter fury. I was not afraid in the sense that I was trapped and I couldn't run, but rather I was afraid for him.

He recognized my terror and went to stroke the side of my head, but his tremors were too intense and he had to slam his hand back down to keep steady. I cried out.

“Baby, I’m trying—” his voice wavered as he kissed as delicately as possible against my neck in attempt to comfort me, until his lips touched the spot in which he had broken skin only moments before. I don’t know what he was ‘trying’ to do, but clearly he’d failed, as he moaned and bit back down on the wound and sucked.

I screamed this time. What on earth was he doing?

My shriek instantly tore him from his trance, “Oh, shit, I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I can’t contr—”

“Please, Twitch, tell me what’s—”

He straightened out his arms so he loomed over me and met my gaze with one of fire, “JUST FUCKING KEEP YOUR EYES SHUT!”

He noticed the irony in his commandment when he saw the look on my face.

I’d never been so scared before. I had no idea what to do. He was my love and I finally got to see him…but he was frightening. I couldn't describe it because I was only able to focus on the large, pitch black eyes with a crimson ring in the center that glared back at me before dropping in realization and filling with tears.

“No, babydoll, no…” he whispered as the ring in his eyes dissolved into onyx.

I woke up when I felt my own blood drip from his mouth onto my lips.



I sat up sharply, gasping for breath and drenched in sweat.

“Twitch?” I called aloud, whimpering like a child.

With no reply, I realized I’d just had a hopeless dream. I couldn't care less about how it had ended. I’d rather have him suck me dry of my blood than to have him visit me like that and leave again.

Even though I knew it was all only a figment of my tormented imagination, I screamed at him, “I HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU SELFISH BASTARD! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?” I threw off my sheets and violently ripped down the fairy lights around my room. I’d put them up because they’d reminded me of stars, of my Twitch. They were just too painful to look and they infuriated me so much that I was by repulsed the sight.

I burst into sobs and collapsed on the floor when they’d all been taken from the walls, leaving me in complete darkness. Why should I pretend anymore? My skies were black without him, so I should just get over it and grow up. Hanging asinine lights around my room was no way to move on. He wasn't coming back.

“I love you, Twitch. I love you so much…Why did you leave me? We’re supposed to be together. You said that the one you love isn't always good for you…So why did it matter? I don’t care what you are because you’re mine and I’ll always love you…”

At that moment, I was grateful my parents had taken the chance to leave me by myself that weekend. If they were there, my mother would've come in and panicked because I was having one of my ‘episodes’, for whatever the fuck that meant. That was the last thing I wanted to deal with, my parents.

It was then that something changed drastically in my mind. Something left.

Something had left. Like it had sat and watched me suffer before standing up and walking right out of the fucking door.

When I realized what it was, I growled, “You disgusting son of a bitch.”