Wanderlust

“Tomorrow,” Millie smiled brightly, almost giddy. “I can’t believe they’ll be back tomorrow.”

I sat on my bed, attempting to look happy but I was truthfully still numb feeling. I’ve gotten better and then worse and better and again worse. It’s been taking a lot out of me. My energy is spent, my appetite is sporadic along with my sleep. I’ve been telling Mila, Rosa, and Millie my dreams. I’ve been trying to be honest. They were consistently gruesome and horrid but overall so frightfully realistic. I swear I could feel the blood seeping into my pores, my senses were on fire and I couldn’t make it stop. I’m afraid it’ll be the death of me.

“Let’s not make much of a deal of it.” Mila interjected Millie’s bouncy rambling, “we need to stay grounded. Just because they’re coming back, doesn’t mean all of our problems are solved.”

“What crawled up your ass?” Millie folded her arms, slouched down onto her bed while giving Mila a waiting look.

“I’m just trying to remain practical, okay? It wasn’t some camping trip, it was as close to a war that we know of. The amount of people that weren’t on that list—no way am I keeping a light heart. Prepare for the worst, that’s all I’m saying.”

“I agree.” The mutter was low but Millie caught it, looking between us.

“So I can’t be happy to see my brother again? What about you Dahlia, aren’t you excited to see Marcus? Jaden? Anyone?” Millie’s mood had shifted dramatically. I hadn’t meant to upset her.

“Of course I do. But Mila is right, we can’t get ahead of ourselves.” Mila gave me a supportive smile and Millie huffed.

“Fine,” she dragged out, hopping up to her feet. “But you two better be in a better mood tomorrow.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Mila teased as Millie poked her tongue out at her, leaving us alone.

“Mila, I don’t want anyone else to know how bad I’ve been. It’s the last thing that they need to know about after whatever it is they’ve been through over there. I don’t want to worry anyone, alright?”

She smiled, shrugging her shoulders. “I agree. It’ll be our secret and Millie won’t tell either, tell them on your own time if you want.”

“Thank you,” I replied quietly.

Mila kicked her shoes off, settling down for a nap. I stayed sitting upright, wringing my hands over one another anxiously. My eyes ached and they flutter closed out of exhaustion. I wanted to sleep, I wanted rest and peace. My mind wasn’t giving it to me. Why would it be its own worst enemy? Obviously the serum is like a cancer to the mind, killing every last happy nerve ending until your dead and insane. I can’t beat myself if there’s no fight to go with it. I felt like a hostage within myself and I felt like I would have to plead insanity soon. How long could I stay like this? Surely I couldn’t live out the rest of my life like this, not normally.

How could I combat this? Would I eventually be so enraptured in fear to have my only comfort be fear itself? My fears could be the only about me that was real and solitude and I had a lot of them. I could feel them itching from the darkest corners of my brain. I couldn’t see them or remember them but they were there, waiting. Could I play ignorant to this? I could try and force myself to get back to the routine before the group gets back. So they don’t sense something is off besides my loss of weight and my pale complexion.

I would try, I had to do something. I feel I’m at that point. I could do something so much that I’ll have to sleep from the sheer insanity I would have without it. I picked my boots, tying them tightly before quietly slipping out of the room. I power walked to the field, seeing the harvesting being picked at.

“Hanna!” I ran up to her, causing her to jump in surprise.

“Yes?” Her arms were filled with a basket, holding various different vegetables in it. She didn’t react to my appearance or even glance at me differently than she would of normally.

“Need any help?” I shifted on the soft ground, the fresher air filling my lungs and making me more at ease.

“Don’t I always,” she ticked, looking out at the people helping. “Grab a bag.”

I nodded, getting straight to work. I took my time, allowing my concentration to focus on something else for the first time since the incident. Millie’s happiness must have rubbed off or maybe it’s the adrenaline from getting up and moving. I would be looking forward to seeing everyone tomorrow. Maybe it was the normalcy that I was desperately missing, the familiarity. I would sleep for tomorrow, waiting for the group that won’t come.