Heartaches Knocking on Her Door

[August 10, 2013, Hildesheim, Germany]

“Liv just fucking reply to your father already. Yeah I get it, he abandoned you for 6 years, but he’s your dad. If anything write back to him saying you accept his apology but don’t want to stay in contact with him.”

Liv sighed bringing her knee’s up to her chest . “I’ll think about it” She sat in her small tent at the back of the M’era Luna festival grounds where tour busses and other tents were littered. Everyone had arrived at the grounds a little past twelve, having driven all the way from Helsinki because of Seppo’s decision not to fly over to Germany. The drive had been incredibly long, and exhausting thanks to all the burley roadies she had had to travel with. Though her nights had become very restless all on their own, the added touch of the drunken roadies singing Kiss into the night hadn’t helped however.

“I guess that will be good enough. So how’s Germany?” Marcus asked over the phone. When they had last spoken the morning after he had called with the news of his planned proposal, he had asked Liv to call him as soon as she had gotten to Germany.

“Beautiful. Haven’t seen too much of it though and doubt I will, just whatever is along the roads. You know, it’s kind of strange, I should be missing LA, but I just got here and I miss Helsinki already.” She tucked her hands into the sleeves of her new gray knit blazer, it was boiling inside her tent but she was too lazy to take it off.

“I don’t understand why you don’t just rent an apartment there. Hell you make more than enough money, and knowing you, you probably save a majority of it, plus your old home was just sold.”
“True true but I don’t know. I get this nervous feeling about making any permanent living plans in Helsinki. I, I’ll think about it, I’d probably save money if I did get an apartment. Enough about me, did you get the engagement ring yet?” She rubbed the sleepless night from her eyes trying to wake up as she spoke to Marcus. She had to take shots of an interview with the guys in a few hours than prepare her equipment for the show that night, so being exhausted wasn’t an option.

“I haven’t yet. I am looking around though, but its fucking hard. There are so many really beautiful rings that I know Hanna would like but I mean fuck, I can’t get them all. I’ll figure it out, narrow it down to five and send you some pictures to help me pick. How’s Ville?” She could hear the smile crack across his face.

“Hey congrats, you actually called him by name. He’s fine, haven’t seen him since you last called but he called me the other night.” Liv shrugged. She felt a little uncomfortable talking about her relationship with Ville, she had liked having it completely private, something shared only between her and him.

“What did you guys talk about? Is he working on new material?” Marcus’s voice was practically giddy.

“No, we don’t really discuss his music. We just talked about our sleepless nights and tried to plan a way to meet in secret tonight, but I don’t think it’s likely.” She sighed. All their plans had flaws, the only way they could possibly meet in secret was if all the guys went out drinking that night, and the chances of that were slim since their show that night was already pretty late.

“Aww poor baby. Joking! I’m sure you guys will find a way to see each other”

“Yeah, hopefully.” Liv began to shut her eyes, letting her body slowly lay down overtop her sleeping bag.

“You sound like you’re going to pass out” Marcus laughed.

“I just might, and miss the interview than miss the show all together. It would be a godsend if I’d be able to pass out in the first place.” Her voice began to die out as she became more comfortable in her makeshift bed.

“Alright Liv I’ll go, check your email later for pictures of the rings.”

“night” she mumbled before turning off her phone, nestling deeper into her sleeping bag. Nine sleepless nights had taken their toll and Liv drifted off to sleep.

***

“Liv wake up or we’ll both be late!”

Liv suddenly sat up, he head smacking into her hanging flashlight. Did I fall asleep? Fuck. Fuck! She stared around confused. A smiling Tyler was crouching in the wide open entrance of her small tent, a beer in hand. He wore a plain dark blue beater and cargo shorts. Behind him stood an older man holding a large camera to his side, camera man.

“What, what’s going on?” Liv asked, her mind still muddled by sleep.

“Well, I found out that I’m interviewing HIM today at three, in fifteen minutes actually. Heard you were supposed to be with the guys already but weren’t, found a HIM roadie who directed me to your tent and thought I’d come get you.” He gave a slight smirk as his eyes scanned over her. “And uh Liv, you might want to put some pants on.”

Liv looked down at herself. She had been in the process of changing when Marcus had called. She’d only managed to put on an Electric Wizard tee shirt under her blazer. She sat in her black lace underwear. Fuck Me, she thought angrily.

Tyler had begun to laugh as Liv realized she wasn’t wearing pants. Her face turned bright red. “Out! Get out!” She yelled at Tyler.

Laughing he zipped up the tent entrance. “I’ll wait out here for you, please try to hurry.” He called from outside the tent.

Angrily grumbling Liv began digging around her suitcase, which had gotten much fuller as of late. Before leaving for Germany Seppo had talked with her about dressing more mature and professional, whatever the hell that meant. So Liv had gone out and bought new clothes, along with a vintage polaroid camera she had stumbled upon. She shrugged on a pair of high waisted sailor jean shorts and black peep toe wedges. Her hair was a mess of dark curls but she really didn’t care enough to fix it, or put on makeup. She looked down at herself. I look stupid, I don’t know how to dress quote un quote mature. These feel strange, at least I have my Electric Wizard tee, she thought as she tucked it into the shorts. She tossed her polaroid camera and her regular photography gear into her bag, slinging it over her shoulder. She grabbed her crew pass, putting it around her neck than unzipped the tent and stepped out into the sunlight, almost twisting her ankle in the process because of the wedge in her shoes.

“What’s up with the get up?” Tyler asked giving her a once over before taking a sip of his beer.

Liv narrowed her eyes at him, still unhappy about his wakeup call. “Seppo, HIM’s manager, wants me to try to dress a little more mature. Hey Tyler next time could you maybe not barge into my tent like that, I’d much appreciate it.”

“Oh come on” He slung an arm around her neck, a beer in the other hand. He began leading her towards the artists tents where the interview would take place. “Don’t be ashamed of that bod of yours” He winked, taking a sip from his bottle. “This is Otso, my camera man. Otso this is Liv”

The two exchanged shy smiles. Otso looked to be in his early thirties. He wore a plane black tee shirt and dark jeans, a mop of shaggy dark brown hair covered his head.

“So why did you decide to so rudely wake me up?” Liv asked as she pulled out her camera from her bag and began taking shots of the festival grounds, the different tour buses, the roadies, a quick one of Tyler.

“Well aside from being a cool chick who was going to be late for the interview, no need to thank me for that by the way, you’re the only native English speaker here, I don’t feel like speaking Finnish or German all day long.” He smiled down at her. “Whatever happened to you after we were out drinking that night?”

“Um” Liv suddenly became flushed. “Uh, the guys just brought me home and I passed out.”

Liv spotted Jarno talking with a few other roadies. As soon as his eyes locked onto her they turned to Tyler. Concern riddled his features. Strange, Liv thought. They kept walking, the artists tent was just ahead of them, a sectioned off area for interview to be held and for the different bands to relax.

“They seem a bit protective. Especially Ville. Living in Finland you can’t help but always hear about him and how the girls swoon. I hope he hasn’t gotten to you too.” He said casually, opening the entrance of the tented area for her, one arm still around her shoulders.

Nervousness filled Liv’s stomach. “Uh no, of course not. He’s so much older than me.” Liv couldn’t help but sense an uncalled for hardness in Tyler tone as he spoke about Ville, but she shrugged it off as they entered the closed off area, the sound of a bands warming up instruments filling the air nearby.

Tyler led Liv and Otso to an open area where various artists were having drinks at picnic tables, at the back, in a corner sat Mige, Linde, Gas, Burton, and Ville.

They all sat at the same end of two picnic tables which had been pushed together. Linde sat at one end, wedged in the corner, while Ville sat at the other, his long legs stretched out to the side. They were all dressed according to the days heat. Linde wore a gray Black Sabbath muscle shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans. Burton was dressed in a straw cowboy hat, aviators, a green beater and a pair of worn jeans. Gas had on a black kiss tee shirt and cargo shorts. Mige had on a pair of dark shades, a Cradle of Filth tee shirt, and denim shorts. Ville wore his hair in a low pony tail at the nape of his neck, a Cathedral beater, and a pair of black jeans, black Dr. Martens on his feet. His beautifully intricate tattoos were on full display.

Everyone except Ville had a beer in hand, Ville was taking deep drags of his cigarette. They all turned as they spotted Liv walking towards them. Linde and Gas gave her both warm smiles, Burton smirked as he tipped his hat towards her, and Mige gave her a menacing scowl. When Ville’s green eyes spotted her a huge grin spread across his face. She could see that he wanted nothing more than to get up, embrace her. Liv couldn’t help but smile back, blushing at the way he looked at her. She discreetly placed a hand over her heart and his smile became wider. He tried to contain his reaction to seeing her, reigning back his grin, but it kept trying to fight through. He raised an eyebrow at her as her took in her blazer and wedges, she gave a quick shrug in response, smirking all the while.

As Tyler and Otso came up behind Liv, Ville’s eyes hardened but he masked his displeasure, offering his hand in welcome. Not wanting to get in the way of the interview Liv stepped to the side, taking out her camera. As Tyler greeted the band, Otso began filming.

The interview was a relatively long one. Liv couldn’t understand a word of it since Tyler had decided to speak in Finnish. She was too distracted however as she moved around the group trying to get different angles of the interview. She liked how Tyler tried to include Linde, Gas, and Burton as much as possible, they were actually being quite animated in an interview for once. As the interview came to an end Tyler thanked everyone before turning to the camera and signing out.

“You guys were great, truly.” He smiled, switching to English. He stood up as the guys mumbled their thanks. Then he turned to Liv. “I’ve got a few more interviews but hopefully I’ll see you around later today?”

“Yeah of course. Good luck” She smiled and gave him a hug before he left with Otso.

“Who knew Liv’s drinking buddy was such a good interviewer” Smirked Mige who gave Ville a nudge with his elbow.

Ville’s face tightened but he simply rolled his eyes and beckoned for Liv to take a seat with them. Smiling she slinked over and took a seat across from Ville, at the end of the table.

“Liv show them your new toy” Said Linde eagerly. All the guys turned to Linde with raised brows than turned back to Liv. Smiling she began digging in her large messenger bag. “She can’t stop talking about it on the net” Linde explained to the guys.

There’s too much crap in here, Liv thought as she pulled out her new polaroid camera. The strap of the camera was tangled with something so Liv gave it a good pull, managing to free the camera but pulling something out of her bag, it tumbled to the ground, to the side of the table, next to Ville’s foot. Liv set the polaroid camera on the table and bent down to get what she had dropped, Ville bent down as well to grabbed the dropped item. His long fingers locked around the item just as Liv realized what she had dropped. Before she could snatch it away from Ville he was chuckling aloud, he put the porno on the table for all to see. Liv’s face turned beet red as Mige grabbed the porno to see what had Ville holding his stomach and covering his face as he continued to laugh, splitting at the seams. Liv tried to grab the dvd from Mige but he held it away from her as he read the title.

He burst out into laughter. “NIGHT OF THE GIVING HEAD!” He passed it on to Burton who showed Gas and Linde.

They all began laughing, the cover had a zombie lying on its grave as a woman gave him head. Liv buried her face in her hands in embarrassment.

“Liv!” Said Burton between chuckles. “What is the meaning of this!” Everyone’s laughter grew.

Liv peeked out from between her fingers. “None of your business” she mumbled from behind her hands. She looked over at Ville who still shook with laughter, a huge grin plastered on his face. Liv could tell he had figured it out, why she had had the porno. How did I forget I had that in there! Trying to gather her dignity she took her hands away from her face, snatched the dvd from Burton’s grasp, grabbed her polaroid camera and got up to leave.

“Oh come on Liv!” Smiled Mige, trying to calm his laughter. Liv stopped and paused, debating whether she should sit back down or not. “Nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s a classic.”

“Yeah I mean, who doesn’t love zombie porn, I mean really?” Laughed Burton.

“Alright than, see you guys at the show” Still blushing Liv turned and began walking away.

“We’ll be in the bus when you’re done watching that cinematic masterpiece!” Called Mige after her.

Liv quickened her pace. They aren’t going to let me live that down are they? Liv left the tented area, a warm gust of wind greeted her exit. She spotted her small tent from across the lot and began making her way over slowly, these fucking heels, she thought. She had determined that she would follow Marcus’s advice and reply to her father’s email, as much as she didn’t want to.

“Hey Liv! Can I have a quick word with you” Came a familiar Finnish accent. Liv turned, it was Jarno.

She gave him a welcoming smile as he jogged over to her. “Yeah sure” Liv had spent most of the drive over from Finland next to Jarno, who had been a really great travelling companion, leaving her be when she didn’t feel like talking, catching her up on what she had missed when she woke up from drifting off, translating the conversations of all the Finnish roadies.

He shook a strand of blonde hair from his eyes as he stood before Liv. He seemed uncomfortable. “I know it’s not really any of my business but I saw you with Tyler earlier and I feel like I should warn you. He’s bad news. That sounds dumb but it’s true. I’ve heard a lot of bad stories about him and I just think you should be on your guard.”

Liv was completely taken aback. That’s not what I was expecting at all. Is this jealousy? But he sounds so sincere. Either way it really isn’t any of his business. “But you haven’t witnessed anything ‘bad’ first hand?” Jarno lowered his eyes and shook his head. “Alright well than I’ll be the judge of his character. Thank you for uh warning me Jarno but I’m not just going to drop a new friend because there are rumours floating around about them. I appreciate your concern though. Thank you.” She gave him a quick hug before continuing towards her tent. He can’t mean Tyler. I mean, he does drink a lot, but that doesn’t mean anything. Strange, very strange.

With the sun beating down on her Liv made it back to her tent, stumbling in. She kicked off her wedges and flipped on her laptop. Though there wasn’t Wi-Fi to actually send it, Liv opened up word document and began writing her reply to her father’s email.

***

After Liv’s departure Ville and the rest of the guys had gone and watched a few performances but the heat had eventually driven them into the cool shelter of their air conditioned tour bus and the chilled beers inside. The rest of the guys were inside playing cards and nursing beers.

Ville sat on the steps of the tour bus taking deep drags of his Marlboro. The smoke dancing in the sun’s heat. He was sleep deprived, more so than usual, which made him anxious. He’d spent the whole day chain smoking, trying to relieve his anxiety. It’s Liv, he finally admitted to himself, she’s eating away at my mind, every thought is revolving around her. For fucks sakes I can’t even sleep without her, and now, unlike back in Hel’s, we have to be even more secretive. He rubbed his face in frustration, closing his eyes, he had a flashback of when he had first seen Liv that day, as she walked in to the artists tent. Her black curls gently swaying, her pale legs looking irresistible in her wedges, her brilliant smile, rosy cheeks, her rebellion against Seppo in the form of her Electric Wizard tee shirt. Ville smiled to himself. He remembered how his heart had swelled, he hadn’t seen her since the morning after their fight, after their shower, his heart swelled even now. He took another drag of his smoke. The past few days have been hell, not seeing her, not hearing her laugh, not tasting her lips on mine. Simultaneously he smiled as butterflies began to eat away at him from the inside. There was only one conclusion to draw. He inhaled deeply from his cigarette, love.

He was distracted, gazing down at his burnt out cigarette as it lay smoking on the patchy grass, turning around the word Love in his mind when suddenly there was a flash in front of him. Squinting he looked up.

Liv stood before him blocking out the sun, its brightness forming a hallow around her figure. She smiled down at Ville’s seated figure, gently pulling out the photograph which was making its way out of the camera. Beautiful, utterly beautiful, Ville thought. Shaking the photograph she handed it to Ville to inspect. He took it, scooting over on the step so Liv could sit next to him. She gently lowered herself, bringing her knee’s up, hugging her legs and resting her cheek on her knee’s, her face turned towards Ville.

Looking down at the picture he whispered “If it wasn’t broad day light, and if there weren’t people around and if we weren’t keeping this a bloody secret I’d wrap my arms around you, hold you, kiss you until your knee’s grew weak, than kiss you some more.” He kept his gaze down at the picture of himself, utterly frustrated and angry with their situation. Liv was silent next to him, he turned to look at her, she looked as if she was about to cry. “Darling what’s the matter?”

“I, you don’t know how much I need that right now, how much I need everything you just said, everything you can’t give me” She brought her hand to her mouth, tightly shutting her eyes.

I love her, I love her and I can’t even fucking hold her. Ville’s hands clenched into fists. “Liv, later, I promise, I’ll find a way. Just, please, you’re breaking my heart darling, tell me, what’s wrong?”

Liv opened her eyes and moved her hand. “I replied to my father’s email. I just, I let it all out, all the hurt and anger, and love I still feel for him. Before writing I was dead set on telling him off but when I got to the end I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. I need him, I mean, he’s my father. I told him I’d meet him during one of the stops in the States.” She let out a heavy sigh, forcing a smile. “I’ll be okay.” She leaned into Ville who still held the photograph and looked down at it. “I really love this picture”

“Why is that?” Ville asked looking back down at the photograph, he scooted over so that he was sitting as close to Liv as possible.

“You look so deep in thought. As if the world is lost to you and only your all-consuming thoughts are keeping you company. And it’s strange. It’s as if you’re both happy and concerned.”

Ville gave the photograph a closer look. Liv was right, she had captured him just as he had realized he loved her. That split second was caught. He suddenly loved the photograph. He turned his head to look at Liv, who had been leaning in to eye the picture, their faces were inches apart. Ville wanted nothing more than to lean in, but he forced himself not to give in. “May I keep this” He whispered, allowing his hot breath to wash over Liv.

He watched as she closed her eyes in longing “Of course” She whispered back.

Suddenly the tour bus door swung open. “Ville it just wouldn’t be strip poker without you” Laughed Mige. He stopped however when he noticed Liv. “Ah well isn’t it little miss zombie porn” He smirked.

Ville watched as a beautiful blush covered Liv’s cheeks. He couldn’t help but smile. He knew why she had the dvd, it was for him, to prove him wrong.

“I guess I’m not some prude after all” Liv said, exasperated, throwing her arms up in the air. She gave Ville a smirk, she had been speaking directly to him, before getting up and stepping inside the bus. “Alright guys, the sooner we get your jokes out the better, so just go ahead, give me all you got.” She called to the guys as she disappeared out of sight, inside the tour bus.

Smiling Ville got up and followed her inside.

***

“No one ever loves once, they’ll love many times, but they’ll only have one soul mate. I’m lucky enough to have found mine” Linde smiled at Liv. “When I met Tonie, everything just fell into place. And you know what, thinking back on it, we wouldn’t have been ready for each other any earlier, or any later, we met at just the right time. There’s always just that right time for two people.”

“Mikko are you still going on about Tonie?” Asked Mige as he sauntered out of the tour buses washroom.

The day had gone by rather fast as Liv hung out with the guys, playing chess and poker in the coolness of the tour bus, taking candid’s with her camera. At one point they had all gone out and watched more of the days performances but had again retreated from the heat. The day was winding down as everyone sat around talking, relaxing until their performance in an hour, at 10:45. Liv sat at the tour buses small kitchen table wedged between Gas and Burton who listened in on their conversation while snacking on a bag of chips, Linde and Ville sat across from her. Seppo, who had joined up with them after arriving in Germany leaned against a set of storage cabinets near the front of the bus, hurriedly speaking with someone in Finnish on his cell phone.

“Well Liv asked” Shrugged Linde. He turned back to Liv as Mige joined them at the table. “Like I was saying, the way I see it is that there is only one right time for two people, they could possibly meet before that time, but things won’t work out for them, they aren’t ready for each other.”

“I think I understand” Liv smiled. She rested her chin in her hand. With her free hand she grabbed a chip from the bag everyone had been munching from. “What if though the first meeting between two people goes horribly wrong, wouldn’t that ruin any chance of revival for the two when this ‘right time’ comes around?” Liv noticed Ville squirm a bit in his seat. He wants another smoke, she thought. He had been leaving to smoke every half hour and it was about time for his next one. He never usually smokes this much, Liv thought, eyeing him more closely, but then turning back to Linde as he began to speak.

“No, if the universe wants them together, they’ll be together. Relationships can have second chances”

“Not all of them” Interjected Mige looking right at Ville.

Ville rolled his eyes and looked down at the table, his jaw tightened. They must be talking about Jonna, Liv thought. She’d heard that Ville had been engaged to a woman named Jonna and that things had ended badly, resulting in a downward spiral that led Ville to rehab.

“No, not in Ville’s case” Said Linde uncomfortably, scratching the stubble on his cheek.

Liv could see the toll that the discussion was having on Ville. His whole countenance had changed. He, he doesn’t still love her does he? Or is it just the memory of that bad time in his life?

“You’ve got a new lady in your life now though” Smiled Burton, trying to lighten the conversation. “How is Sandra?”

Smirking to himself, and avoiding eye contact with anyone, Ville casually replied. “Oh, we aren’t together anymore.”

Liv tried to feign surprise along with the rest of the guys. “If you don’t mind me asking, why aren’t you guys together any longer?” Liv asked innocently. Ville shot her a narrow eyed glance. Oh he’ll think of something to say, Liv thought.

“But you seem so happy lately” Said Gas confused.

“Can’t a man just be happy” Ville smiled, shrugging. He uncapped his water bottle and took a sip.

Mige raised a brow “Oh of course, yeah any man can be happy, but you aren’t just any man, you’re a love sick bastard with a Neil Young complex. You fucking wanker you, you’ve found someone else.”

Before Ville could mumble out a response Seppo walked over to the table, having finished his call. “You have a little over half an hour before you go on, but sound check may take a little longer than usual, some of the wires have been faulty, we need to double check, so we should go over.”

The guys nodded, work mode had been turned on. They scooted out from the table and went to go grab what they needed for the show from their storage compartments. Liv waited outside of the tour bus with Seppo.

“Have I told you how lovely you look today dear” Smiled Seppo.

Liv looked down at herself, she stood in the light of the tour buses open door, the sun having set. “More professional eh?” She smirked.

Seppo grinned “Yes, very much so, the tee shirt is a great added touch”

Liv laughed aloud at his teasing. “Why thank you”

Mige emerged from the bus, followed by Linde, Gas, and Burton. Ville hopped out last, having put on his leather jacket. Liv flashed him a quick smile before he closed the door of the tour bus, cutting off their light source.

“Ville we don’t quite need you until” Seppo looked down at his wrist watch “10:30, so if you would like to stay behind you can. Actually you too Janne and Liv.”

“I’ll go, there’s nothing to do back at the bus” Shrugged Burton.

“Um, I guess I’ll stay and have a smoke than make my way over.” Liv said, she tried to mask her excitement. Finally, a moment alone. She breathed a sigh of relief, her body beginning to practically shake with anticipation.

“Alright than, keep track of time.” With that Seppo led the way to the main stage.

Liv and Ville waited in silence, watching as the groups forms got further and further away, winding around roadies and small groups of people that stood around illuminated cars. As soon as they were out of sight Ville turned to Liv as he opened the tour bus door, a smirk on his face.

“So darling, you’re not a prude than?”

Liv rolled her eyes smiling and stepped on to the bus. “They’ll never let me live that down, I hope it was worth it, suffering through that embarrassment” She sharply turned as she heard Ville close the door behind him, flicking on the light.

A sinister grin came over Ville as he slowly took off his leather jacket. Painfully slow, Liv thought as She watched him, leaning against the back counter across from him. She shrugged off her bag, setting it gently on the ground, she crossed her arms and watched as Ville neatly folded up his jacket, leisurely tossing it on the counter beside Liv.

“Stop being a tease” Liv smiled.

Ville slowly walked towards her, hunger in his eyes, he stopped inches away. He gently ran his large ringed hands down her cheek, winding them in her hair, tilting her head up. Liv grabbed onto his wrists as he lowered his head. Liv’s breathing had already noticeably picked up. Ville smiled at her reaction as he brought his lips to hers, conveying all his longing, all his new found love, all his frustration at keeping their relationship a secret, in that one kiss. Liv was left breathless, she broke free to catch her breath, resting her cheek against his, panting.

“I’ve missed you” She whispered. Even though they saw each other, it wasn’t the same. This, this moment, when they could embrace, this was when they were truly together.

Ville detangled his hands from her hair and grabbed onto Liv’s waist, suddenly he lifted her up onto the counter with ease. Liv spread her legs so he could come closer. He wrapped his arms around her back and rested his cheek on her chest, closing his eyes, listening to her heartbeat, enjoying their few moments to be together. Liv lay her cheek on the top of his head, tossing her arms around his neck, holding him closer, tighter.

“It’s only going to get worse once we fly over to the US.” Ville sighed in frustration.

“It’ll be a test, for us, I guess.” Liv shrugged.

Ville pulled back angrily, resting his hands on her hips . ”Fucks tests. Can’t this world just let me be happy with someone for once. Let me love them and be loved and not end in complete ruin.”

“I won’t be another Jonna” Liv said seriously, holding Ville’s face between her hands, looking straight into his piercing emerald eyes.

“I don’t think I’d ever recover if you were” He said earnestly, closing his eyes, feeling the warmth of Liv’s hands on his cheeks.

Though their relationship was still young, Liv believed him. If something went wrong between them, if things soured, they both wouldn’t recover. She desperately brought her lips to his, kissing away his fears. Their kiss, lips crashing against each other, suddenly became more passionate. Liv wound her legs around Ville waist. She undid his low pony tail, tossing aside the hair tie and desperately gripping his hair, pulling on it slightly when he nipped her bottom lip.

Suddenly the tour bus door swung open. “Ville my boy it’s already past 10:30 why…”

Ville and Liv stopped abruptly in surprise. They turned to look at the stunned Seppo. Ville pulled away from Liv. She hopped off the counter. She began chewing her lip nervously. Fuck, what, what’s going to happen now? She asked herself as a queasiness formed in the pit of her stomach. An awkward silence filled the air, Seppo looked from her to Ville, opening than closing his mouth as if he wanted to speak but the words wouldn’t form.

***

Ville took control of the situation. “Liv, uh, why don’t you go on ahead and tell the guys that Seppo and I will be there shortly.” Liv nodded, avoiding eye contact with Seppo. Ville watched as she smoothed out her hair, gathered up her bag, and walked to the door, her head hung. She paused at the door, but Ville gave her a reassuring nod. She doesn’t want to leave me alone to face Seppo. He knew though, that if Seppo had a quarrel, or anything to say, it would be to him and not Liv. Liv ducked out, closing the door behind her.

Speaking in Finnish, Seppo spoke up. “I saw the photographs online but I didn’t want to believe it. Ville, this isn’t good.”

Ville looked away, he felt as if he were being scolded by his father, but he was determined to stand his ground. “Trust me, I’ve thought about it, I’ve turned it all around in my mind, all that I’m sure you’re about to say, but I can’t help it, I, I love her.” His tone pleaded with Seppo for understanding, but Seppo shook his head, taking a step towards Ville.

“My boy, I understand that you always seem to find yourself falling for someone, but she’s a girl. She, she’s 16 years younger than you.”

“Yes I’ve realized that, but I love her. There’s nothing I can do about the way I feel.” Ville shrugged.

“Yes there is. Whatever it is that’s going on between you two, break it off, spare her now.” Seppo said, looking up at Ville with weary eyes.

“Why, why do you think that I’ll hurt her, she has just as much control over my heart as I have hers.” Ville raised his voice in frustration.

“Then break it off and spare yourself. What can you gain from this relationship? Look around you at your band mates, all in serious relationships with kids, families. Do you honestly think that you can have a meaningful adult relationship with a girl almost half your age?”

“Stop! You have no say in my personal life Seppo! No say.” Ville yelled angrily running a hand through his hair. He steadied his breathing as he stood in shock. He’d never yelled at Seppo before, not ever.

“Very well” Seppo replied calmly. “I’ll keep you’re secret. I’ll get rid of any new articles in any gossip websites or magazines. But Ville, you’re like a son to me, I only want what’s best for you, I want you to think practically about this.”

“I have, I, I will. Please don’t look down on Liv or treat her any different.” Ville sighed as he grabbed his jacket and pulled it on.

“Of course not” Seppo turned and stepped off the bus, Ville in tow.

***

Liv chewed her bottom lip nervously as she waited in the wings, off stage. Would Seppo change Ville’s mind about being with her? Could he do that? She felt uneasy, very uneasy. Seeing Ville as he walked up the back stage, hair loose, a stern look on his face, didn’t make Liv’s uneasiness go away. His eyes passed over her, he saw her, but kept walking towards the stage. Without thinking Liv caught up with him, placing a hand on his arm, stopping him. He looked down at her.

“Is everything alright?” She asked in concern.

“Of course” He replied coldly before shrugging her off and walking onto the stage, the sounds of screaming fans welcoming him.

Walking backwards Liv retreated into the darkness of the wings. She wasn’t sure how to react to the way Ville had just acted. You have work to do, she told herself. Shaking off her butterflies, her worry, Liv pulled out her camera and began adjusting it, she took off her blazer and wedges, flinging them in a corner with a little too much force. A cold sweat was forming on the back of her neck, her legs felt unsteady. It’s fine Liv, your fine, there’s nothing to worry about, she repeated to herself as she roughly brushed away the hair that had begun sticking to her sweating face.

“Liv?” Came a thick accent from beside her. It was Justa, one of the roadies, he was one of the youngest that had come along on tour, performing menial tasks for the band. He knew little to no English. He had long straight dark brown hair that went down his back, and wore the usual all black that roadies wore. “Uh, man, Tyler, in? You?” He said motioning down the steps to the entrance of the stage.

Understanding right away Liv replied “Oh, yes, Tyler in please” She gave him a smile, wiping her face with her forearm. He nodded and left Liv to go let Tyler in.

She turned back towards the stage, shakily taking a few shots as Ville spoke with the audience, riling them up, a night breeze whipping his loose hair around. He seemed tense, he smiled at the crowd, but the smile didn’t touch his eyes. Liv could hear the beginning notes of All Lips Go Blue ring out through the night. Through her lines she saw Ville look over at her, his face was emotionless as he turned back towards the crowd, bringing his lips the mic, eyes darkening as he began to sing.

Liv gulped, did I do something?

Tyler suddenly appeared beside her, smiling. “I really love their new stuff” he said leaning in to Liv’s ear.

Liv peeked out from behind her camera and gave him a smile, she wasn’t quite in the mood to talk, she needed to focus on the job at hand, distract herself from the worry that was eating away at her insides.

“Uh Liv, you look a bit pale, are you alright?” Tyler asked, concerned, placing a steadying hand on Liv’s shoulder.

“I’m fine, its nothing.” She continued taking shots, moving out from under Tyler’s hand to gain a better angle.

“It doesn’t look like nothing” Tyler said raising a brow. “But I’ll drop it” He crossed his arms and fixed his eyes on the show.

“Thank you” Liv whispered sincerely.

As the show started Liv had moved outside of the stage, in front of the sectioned off fence guarded by security, right in front of the stage. Tyler shadowed Liv as she focused on taking shots, capturing the guys as they played their hearts out, as the colorful lights above danced on them, as the smoke machine cast whiffs of smoke billowing around them. Liv couldn’t help but notice that Ville had sung with more force than usual, stamping his feet, he wasn’t as light hearted and full of smiles as he had been in previous performances. He didn’t look back her way throughout the majority of HIM’s set.

Liv’s nerves had eventually calmed down, though she still felt uneasy about Ville. She knew him, she knew something was wrong, she knew it had to do with his discussion with Seppo because before his interruption things had been fine, things had been more than fine…

The band had one more song to go, they were taking a short break, wiping their sweat soaked necks, grabbing new guitar picks, having a drink of water. Liv and Tyler had moved back to the wings of the stage, Liv having gotten all the shots she needed that night. She took a seat on the ground, in an attempt to enjoy the last song of the night, next to Tyler who had taken her camera to look through the pictures she had shot.

“These are really amazing Liv. Being in the business I see a lot of shots from concerts, but these are, wow. Hey speaking of the business I forgot to tell you, I’ll be in America in September. I can’t remember where, but I have an interview to do somewhere, than I have some time off so maybe we can meet up while HIM’s touring?” He handed the camera back to Liv.

“Yes, I’d love that. I love the guys and everything but they work hard and don’t have time to go out and, oh you know what I mean. They don’t have time to go out and explore the cities their in.” She gave Tyler a quick smile before turning back to the stage, her eyes locked on to Ville’s, he was looking at her, at Tyler. He was dripping with sweat, his hair and beater soaked. His eyes grew dark as Liv looked back at him with concern as Burton began playing the opening notes to W.L.S.T.D.

As Linde cut in with his guitar riff Ville abruptly turned back to the crowd, violently stripping off his shirt and tossing it behind him.

Liv chewed her lip, he better not be acting this way cause he’s jealous. A thought suddenly struck Liv. “Tyler?”

“Yeah” He said, his eyes locked on Mige who played nearest to them.

“Um, you visiting while in the States, that’s just as a friend right?” She turned to him, bringing her knee’s up and wrapping her arms around them.

“Of course” Tyler shrugged meeting Liv’s gaze. She sighed with relief. “That is, if you want it to be that way. We have fun together, we laugh, it’s really easy, we could be more.” He shrugged casually.

“Tyler I, I”

“No I get it, there’s someone else, I figured but I thought it was worth a short.” His eyes were fixed on the stage.

“Tyler, if, if there wasn’t someone else, you know that I would”

He cut her off “I understand” He smiled. “What are you doing after this? Cause I’m going out for a beer.”

Liv laughed “of course. I swear, if you aren’t working you’re drinking” She nudged him playfully. “I think I’m going to stay in, I haven’t been sleeping well, I’m going to be lame and just go to bed early.”

W.L.S.T.D. came to a loud finish with Gas taking a drum solo while Ville violently air drummed, flecks of sweat falling everywhere off his body.

“Well the bars await.” Tyler said getting up. He helped Liv to her feet and gave her a hug. “If I don’t see you tomorrow morning than make sure you hit me up for lunch and a beer before you leave for America alright?”

Liv smiled. “It’ll be on my tab” Tyler laughed as he walked away, turning his head to give Liv one last smile before he went out of site.

I think I’m actually going to miss him, Liv thought. She looked to the stage, the guys were setting aside their instruments, ready to exit the stage. It’s odd though, that he guessed I was in a relationship, but he was so kind about it. Tyler had put her in a better mood, she didn’t want to ruin it, at least, that’s what she told herself, truly she was afraid to face Ville, afraid that he might pull her aside and suddenly break things off. Liv quickly gathered her wedges and blazer, not bothering to put them on, and retreated, biting her lower lip nervously.

***

Half an hour later Liv lay in her tent, in the dark, the things she had with her shoved in a corner, laying on top of her sleeping bag, her pillow on top of her face, her iPod on speaker playing Hurt by Nine Inch Nails.

Liv, she told herself, this isn’t sleeping, this isn’t thinking, this isn’t relaxing, this is avoidance. Fuck it.

“Knock knock knock” Came a familiar voice from outside Liv’s tent.

She sat up, turned off her music and flicked on her hanging flashlight. “It’s open” she mumbled.

“Funny” came the voice as they unzipped her tent. Mige poked his head in grinning. Liv could see he had changed and showered. “We’re tired as fuck but it’s tradition, every time we come to M’era Luna we always go to this one pub after our show. Would you like to come?”

Liv pursed her lips, thinking about it. “I’ll pass, sorry. I don’t really feel like drinking or ruining a guy’s night. You guys were really fucking awesome out there by the way.”

“Ah hell Liv, you won’t be ruining anything. But I guess I can’t make you come. Jeez you and Ville are both such hermits. Alright, well have a good time doing, whatever.” He smirked.

Liv’s eyes came to life. Ville isn’t going either? Is he staying on purpose?

Mige began zipping up Liv’s tent but stopped suddenly. He quickly unzipped it again, a huge grin on his face. “You know what, I bet you just want some alone time, watch some more zombie porn eh?” He burst out into laughter.

Liv couldn’t help but laugh along with him as she rolled her eyes. “Bye!” She shooed him away from the tent and watched him get up still laughing to himself and begin walking away. “Night of the Giving Head” She heard him chuckled to himself as he went to joined the rest of the guys.

Head out of her tent she looked around. The back lot looked much like it had before the concert, except more people were out and about, the beer flowing among other artists and roadies. The lights of cars and tour buses shone onto the grass, patches of illumination. She could see the light on in the HIM tour bus.

Liv rubbed her face, debating whether she should go to Ville or stay and sulk. Fuck, you’re an adult, this isn’t what adults do, besides, he doesn’t like it when you avoid situations. She fell back onto her sleeping bag, grumbling to herself. Finally gaining enough nerve Liv got out of her bed, took a look at her shoes, nah, she adjusted her high waisted sailor shorts and Electric Wizard tee shirt than hopped out of her tent, enjoying the cool grass between her toes. Taking a deep breath Liv began to slink her way towards the HIM tour bus, trying not to draw attention to herself.

She was practically shaking by the time she got to the door, her heart pounding in her chest. She stood there for a moment gathering herself than slowly raised her hand and gently knocked on the door.

Ville opened the door slowly. Liv had been looking down but as the lights from within the bus shone on her she slowly raised her eyes, looking up the length of Ville’s body. He was still shirtless from the show, the heartagram above his pelvis peeked out from his low sitting jeans. His abs and arms suddenly clenched as he saw her. Much to Liv’s surprise he had a smile on his face. He extended his long tattooed arm. Liv took it, confused, and walked onto the tour bus, Ville closed the door behind her.

Liv took a seat at the kitchen table, her legs out. “Um, I’m confused, to put it simply”

Ville slowly walked towards Liv, dropping to his knee’s before her. “I know, and I’m sorry darling. I, I didn’t mean to come off, I mean I know I must have seemed mad, I wasn’t, at least not at you.” He looked into her eyes pleadingly. “As you must have figured I had a little discussion with Seppo and he, well he made me think darling, about me and you and for a split second I doubted us. And I’m sorry for that. I, I was angry at myself because well Liv you’re in every thought in my head, you’re the image behind my closed lids, you’re my worry, you’re my pleasure, you’re the beating in my chest” He took her hand placing on his bare chest “You’re the longing on my lips, you’re the reason I can’ sleep at night. You’re, you’ve consumed me, and so suddenly too, from the moment I first saw you, there was something there, I fought it, I tried, but now I know, I, darling I”

Liv couldn’t take it any longer, her heart was swelling, her eyes threatened tears. She cut him off, wrapping her arms around his neck and locking him in a kiss which knocked him over. Ville fell backwards onto the floor of the tour bus, Liv on top of him, he held her to him tightly. Everything his words couldn’t cover came spilling through as their lips moved against each other. Liv slid her hands up his neck to the sides of his face as she straddled him. Together, breathless their lips parted, catching their breath they rested their foreheads against each other’s, Liv’s hair spilled out around them.

“Love you” He whispered.

Liv breathed in a shaky breath. She pulled away, hovering over Ville as a tear escaped her eye, slowly leaving a trail down her cheek. Ville brought a ringed hand up and softly wiped it away with his finger.

“Ville I, I’ve never told anyone I loved them before. I don’t think I’ve loved anyone before, I don’t even know what love is. But what I do know is that you’re my first thought when I wake up in the morning and the last thought when I go to bed. I know I would do anything to keep you safe, happy and healthy. I know that when we’ve had fights they never touched my heart, they never truly changed the way I feel. I know that I’d do anything for you, and, and if that’s love, well than I love you.”

It was as if the sun had arisen over the horizon, Ville’s smiled illuminated Liv’s world. His large hands rubbed soothing circles along her back as he looked up at her with utter joy. He sat up with Liv still straddling him and brought his lips to hers with urgency. Liv could feel his body tighten under her but his caresses remained gentle. She sensed it, the tension within him. He was holding back. He was holding back, and yet Liv wanted him. She ran her hand up his bare chest, up his neck and tangled it in his hair, gripping his dark locks for some stability as her body quivered, she couldn’t take it anymore. Kissing a line up his jaw she let her lips brush against his ear, she could feel his goose bumps.

“Ville” She whispered. “Stop. Stop holding back. I’m not some fragile porcelain doll.” She sucked in a breath. “Take me” She growled.

[Recommendation: Play Change by Deftones once through from here on]

Suddenly he had Liv on her back, her legs spread as he hovered over her. He gave her a devilish grin before retreating down the length of her body. His hands roughly grabbed hold of the edges of her shirt and ripped them out from her shorts. Liv’s breath hitched in her throat as he brought his eager hands to her sides, slipping her shirt slowly up, kissing his way up her stomach in the process. Liv’s eyes clenched shut as her heavy breathing filled the bus. Ville slid his hands up her arms, bringing the shirt over Liv’s head, exposing the milky contrast of her small breasts against her black lace bra. He tossed it roughly into the confounds of the bus as his hand streamed down her back, the other cradling Liv’s neck, he arched her torso off the ground, skimming her stomach slowly with his lips, bringing them up over her ribs and to the suppleness of her heaving chest. He peppered the tops of Liv’s small breasts as she shivered underneath his touch, stretching out her arms for something to grab onto, something to steady herself. Still holding her back up off the floor of the bus, Ville roughly brought his lips back to Liv’s, nipping them, darting his tongue in and out of her mouth. Suddenly he lifted her up, holding her to his bare chest, Liv could feel his sculpted abs sweating against her, her body putty in his arms, she wrapped her legs around his waist as he stood up. Their chests, sweaty with the heat of each others body’s, heaved against one another as Ville hurriedly tossed back the curtain to his top bunk. He gently placed the panting Liv onto his bed. She began unbuttoning her shorts as Ville quickly darted to the tour bus door locked it, then switched off the light. He returned and turned on the dull light above his bunk. He clambered up, eager to return to Liv. She was eager for him too, tangling a hand in his hair while she dug her nails into his back with the other. Their lips passionately locked Ville, brought his hands down to Liv’s hips and pulled down her shorts which she kicked off. Their bodies began to sway against each other. Liv could feel Ville’s hardness on top of her, she brought her hands down to the zipper of his pants but he grabbed hold of them with his, clasping both her wrists together with one hand, and pinning them against the back wall of his bunk. His teeth grazed down her neck, nipping at her shoulder as his other hand slowly skimmed across Liv’s breasts, down her sweat covered stomach, they stopped just above her lace covered mound. He quickly shook off his rings, they tumbled to the ground with metallic clinks. Liv let out a gasp as Ville’s hand returned, slipping under the lace of her panties. She squirmed with anticipation under his touch as fingers lingered, his thumb massaging her clit.

“Please” Liv whispered urgently.

With that Ville slipped his fingers roughly into her wetness. Their foreheads pressed together, noses touching, lips grazing each other, Liv let out a gasp as Ville’s fingers began to move inside her, slowly at first but then faster, and faster, until Liv felt a tingling run from the tips of her toes up her entire body, a radiating coming from within her. Then suddenly, her lower lip between Ville’s teeth, she let out a moan as she felts her walls close around Ville’s fingers, she clenched her legs together as the ecstasy of her orgasm spread through her. She shuddered in aftershocks beneath Ville, he looked down at her, hair clinging to his sweaty face, with hungry eyes. He gently slid his fingers out of her and the two lay together panting, catching their breaths, Ville’s cheek nestled between Liv’s rising and falling breasts. Ville having released her hands, Liv rested them on his head, smoothing back his hair, letting her nails run over his scalp, making him shiver.

They both closed their eyes, as a peaceful silence crept over the night, their breathing having evened, they were both in euphoria, utter euphoria.

“Ville” Liv softly whispered after a while.

“Yes?” He sighed happily.

“What Linde was talking about today, about two people having a ‘right time’, is this ours, our right time?”

“Of course my love” He whispered.