Heartaches Knocking on Her Door

[Sept 16, 2013, Hollywood]

'You want to be able to go out and experience the world?'

'don’t let the thought of what I may think hold you back from anything.'

'Go, be young, be free, without me.'

Slowly she opened her tear soaked lids. How long have I been sitting around like this? She thought, confused, worried. She sat, naked, on the bathroom floor, thick steam swirling around, towels thrown around, angry hand streaked smudges on the mirror, an overturned makeup bag, its contents littered the floor, the bathroom was in utter disarray.
Shaking with confusion, wiping the tears from her eyes, she stood up, hand over her mouth at the chaos in the small hotel bathroom.

Liv quickly grabbed a towel off the floor, her wet hair dripping, wrapped it around her trembling frame, and left the washroom, closing the door behind her, unable to look at it any longer. She perched on the edge of her bed, her breathing heavy, the morning light shining upon her through the side window.

Don’t I have a say? Don’t I have a fuckin say?

Tears welled up in her eyes once again.

You can’t, not today, you’re home, you’re going to see Marcus and Hanna today, it’s going to be alright, you’re going to have a good day, Liv told herself, trying to stop another panic attack or bout of violent anger, occurrences which had become quite common as of late. But she couldn’t help it, this time apart, it wasn’t time apart at all, just utter torture. She saw him, every day, yet, there wasn’t affection in his eyes but indifference, he wouldn’t discreetly play with her fingers under the table but sit as far as possible, he wouldn’t call her, he wouldn’t smile at her, I don’t exist to him. Can we just go back? I, I’ll stop, I won’t complain about the secret anymore, I, I’m sorry.

She knew however that he was purposefully pushing her away, acting as the martyr, she knew, or at least wanted to believe, he still loved her. Can’t he see that it’s not working? What does he expect? For me to just run off, find someone else? Just go off and do all the things on my bucket list and just comeback to him? No, it’s doesn’t work like that, there’s only him, there’s only here and now, and right now he’s breaking my heart.

More tears welled up in Liv’s eyes but she vehemently wiped them away, refusing to let this day be spent wallowing in her hotel room, she was back, today would be different, better. Everyone had flown over to Hollywood the night before, and though her heart had been heavy, it had swelled as the night lights had flashed by on the way to the hotel, she was home.

Liv slowly stood up and crossed the room to her suitcase, kneeling down in front of it, sifting through her clothes. She pulled out a black opaque, lace, tank top, black shear blouse, undies, bra. Jeans. She couldn’t find them. Her fingers searched in the suitcase for the familiar fabric of her black skinny jeans, but suddenly they came in contact with paper, laminated paper? She pulled out whatever it was. Her breathing stopped, it was a polaroid of Ville, he sat on her bed, legs crossed, neutral expression, but in his eyes, those dark pools of mesmerizing green, there was everything there that had been missing for the past few days. The picture began to shake in Liv’s hand when suddenly there was a knock at her hotel room door.

“One second” She called out as she stuck the picture back into the confounds of her suitcase, grabbing her clothes and putting them on as fast as she could, though she was still jarred from the photograph. She took pictures of Ville every day, but that polaroid, that Ville, he was her Ville, not the poet, or rock star, but the man who loved her.

She hurriedly adjusted the strap of her tank top and zipped up her jeans before opening the door.

A smiling Mige and Gas stood outside her room. Gas grinned widely as Liv returned their smiles. He had on his glasses, an orange tee shirt with an unfamiliar band name on it, and dark wash jeans. Mige teasingly grimaced next to him, he had on a dark gray beanie, olive green Black Sabbath tee shirt, and light wash jeans, he held a white plastic grocery bag in one hand.

“We didn’t catch you at a bad time or anything did we?” Gas asked scratching the back of his head.

“No, no of course not. What brings you two to my door this morning?” It was an unexpected surprise.

“Well” Mige began, the smile fading from his lips, “Mika and I were up early, and well, you seem out of sorts lately, not your usual self, so we got you a few things from the store to make you feel better, and thought we’d take you out for breakfast.”

Liv bit her lip, her smile widening. She was too emotionally fragile for this random act of kindness, she was going to start crying. Gulping and trying to fight back tears, “You guys really didn’t have to”

“We did though” Gas grinned before nudging Mige who extended the bag.

Liv accepted it from him and looked inside.

As she registered the contents a small giggle escaped her lips, than she began laughing aloud. Inside the bag was a box of pain medication, chocolate, and some random chick flick.

“What?” Mige asked confused as Liv continued to laugh.

“Guys” she managed to say between giggles, “I’m not on my period.”

“Hey, we weren’t saying that you were” Mige smiled, holding his hands up.

“If it’s not that, than, than what’s been the matter Liv?” Gas asked, his hands in his pockets, concern spreading across his face.

Liv’s laughing died out, her eyes lowering to the ground. “It’s nothing, really.” She raised her eyes giving them a, what she hoped, was a convincing smile. “Thank you for these, honestly, it really means a lot. So um, breakfast?”

Mige and Gas weren’t convinced, but they humored Liv, smiling.

“Yeah. Are you ready now?” Mige asked.

“We’re sort of starving, we were in that store for hours trying to decide which movie would be best to get you, I had to convince Mige not to buy a zombie movie” Gas laughed.

“Hey, I still think a zombie movie would have been better, Liv loves em” He gave Liv a wink.

Liv rolled her eyes. “I don’t think I’ll ever live that down.” She sighed, remember what had brought her to by the damned movie in the first place, Ville’s teasing after the first night shed slept over at his tower, meeting his father. She cut herself off from that thought process. “I’m basically ready, let me just grab a few things and I’ll be right out.”

“Sure, take your time, we’ll wait down in the lobby” Gas said, adjusting his glasses before turning with Mige and walking down the hall towards the elevator.

Liv ducked back into her hotel room, grabbing her towel and attempting to quickly dry off her hair as best she could. She was touched, greatly, by the fact that Gas and Mige had cared enough about her unusual behavior to come and try and comfort her. She bit her lip, I need to try harder to not let it show. She grabbed her blouse, worry filling her mind, and began slipping it on when Wolf Moon began ringing from the folds of her untidy bed.

Liv pulled back the blanket, answering the call.

“Hello?”

“You’re home!” Rang Marcus’s excited voice. “You’re here!”

“Marcus!” Liv exclaimed, all worry vanishing for an instant.

“Liv!” Marcus teased imitating her. “I’m so fuckin excited to see you and hella nervous to propose tonight and fuck to meet my fuckin idols, jesus fuck.”

Liv laughed as it began to dawn on her that after almost five month’s she was going to see Marcus again, her closest friend, her rock, her only form of sanity through many difficult years growing up.

“Ah fuck, I need to calm down or else I’m going to blow my cover tonight. Okay, okay, so what’s the plan?” He asked anxiously.

“Alright, so since you’re free all day I was hoping to spend some time with you, but I have to take some shots of an interview that’s at twelve, so I was thinking you meet me outside the venue at twelve forty five ish, just call me and I’ll get you in, and I can introduce you to everyone, than we can grab a bite to eat and just, catch up I guess. That sounds so weird, catching up. Anyways, um, I guess we just hang out until you need to leave and get ready, get Hanna than come back, I’ll bring you guys backstage and stuff and we’ll watch the show and then the lime light will be on you, you better not fuck it up” Liv joked, as she pulled on her black leather converse, balancing the phone between her ear and shoulder.

“Oh jeez, thanks, now I’m going to worry all freakin day. Ah well, what’s the point of a good proposal if you aren’t incredibly nervous right? Sounds like a great plan, ugh, I hope Hanna has a good day at school, she has this one professor who has a stick up his ass and he’s just been a dick, the show, meeting the guys, seeing you, will make her feel a hundred times better though. Just a heads up, I may just tackle you to the ground with excitement, wear padding. Okay, I should go, I’ve got a few errands to run before I head over. Only a few more hours!”

Liv chuckled before sighing. She needed Marcus, whenever there was a problem, he was there for her, he’d been there for her throughout the aftermath of her mother’s death, he was going to be able to be there for her now.

“See you soon” Liv said before Marcus hung up.

She grabbed her purse up off the ground before leaving her hotel room. She hoped she hadn’t taken too long as she made her way to the elevator, managing to just catch it as it came down.

Liv was looking down, picking at a loose thread on her blouse when the doors dinged open, she raised her eyes and froze. Ville stood in the elevator, leaning in the corner, his large ringed hands gripping on the railing behind him, black beanie, black death card tee shirt under a black cardigan, black jeans, and black Dr. Martens. He was looking down at the floor, dark curls forming lovely spirals around his lowered face, a sadness in his green eyes, but a spark flared in them as he looked up, meeting Liv’s gaze.

Immediately Liv stepped back, her eyes darting away.

The elevator doors began to close but Ville suddenly stepped out from the corner and grabbed the edge of the door, the door’s retracting as the motion detector sensed his hand.

“Don’t be ridiculous, get it.” Came his deep, accented voice. He sounded almost angry.

Liv hesitated, but stepped in, keeping her eyes down, standing in the furthest corner of the elevator. She could feel the tension in the air as Ville let go of the doors and stood across from her.

Liv began biting her lip as her heart beat faster. A week ago, if we were in this situation, he’d have his warm hands on me, he’d be smiling his beautiful smile, his soft lips would be against mine. What happened?

“I, uh, I’ve got everything ready for Marcus’s proposal, it should go quite smoothly.” Ville said, breaking the awkward silence which had begun to consume the small elevator, suffocating Liv.

Why is he torturing us like this? I don’t want this time apart, he doesn’t want this time apart. She turned her head to look up at him, but his eyes, which had been locked on her, quickly looked away. “Ville” Liv whispered, “I, I-“

He cut her off, lifting his chin to look up at the ceiling of the elevator, his hands grasping the railing tightly, knuckles turning white, “You should go out with them to celebrate after, go be with your friends.”

The elevator doors dinged open to the ground floor and he quickly stalked off into the lobby, whispering as he left, “Live with each and every breath you take”

Liv tightly shut her eyes, biting her lip, every ounce of her trying to regain control as she practically stumbled out of the elevator. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could take this, this confusing coldness. Can’t he just admit he’s wrong? He’s not holding me back, I need him.

“You ready to go? Mika’s going to die of starvation soon?” Mige grinned as he sauntered over to Liv who had made her way into the lobby.

“You alright?” Gas asked, raising a brow as he took in Liv.

“Fine, I’m just…” absolutely falling apart at the seams, “fine.”

***

“Are you sure? I’m sure she wouldn’t mind, plus you could take some pictures, her work room in the back is beautifully decorated.” Gas asked, turning to look at Liv from the front seat of the cab they rode in.

Liv bit her lip, tucking a black strand behind her ear before replying, “I’d love to, really, from what I’ve seen her work station is utter perfection but I’ve got to take shots of Ville’s interview than I’m seeing my friend Marcus after” Liv shrugged. Of course she wanted to meet Kat Von D. Even if she had been Ville’s ‘muse’ for Screamworks, he said he hadn’t loved her, just found her inspiring, and though deep down that had struck a nerve-racking chord, Liv had tried to bypass it, she was still Kat Von D, a talented artist and business woman, and from what Gas had repeatedly mentioned at breakfast, very friendly.

“He’s the one proposing tonight?” Mige chimed in next to Liv, sipping at a bottle of diet coke. He was going to tag along with Gas.

“Yeah” A wide grin couldn’t help but spread across Liv’s face, she was so anxious to see Marcus and to help him propose to Hanna, a welcome, a needed distraction from the other thoughts in her mind, the thought of Marcus was holding her together, at least for today.

The cab pulled up to the curb of the hotel, the bright Hollywood sun shining down, waves of heat rising up from the pavement. Liv reached over, giving Gas and Mige hugs, not quick goodbye ones, but long meaningful ones, their thoughtfulness, their welcomed distraction, it meant a lot.

“Good luck with your Queensryche tattoo” She smiled at Gas before closing the door of the cab, stepping out into the warm day, a slight wind picking up and swirling her hair around her face, her unbuttoned shear black blouse flapping in the breeze behind her as she walked into the hotel to grab her photography equipment.

She gathered her things quickly, camera bag and purse slung over one shoulder, she stepped back out into the sunny day. The venue wasn’t far so she’d decided to walk. She needed fresh air, she needed the breeze on her, the sun warming her skin, the smells, the sights of home, she needed them, sanity.

She stuck a cigarette between her lips and began her walk to the familiar venue, she’d often gone there with Marcus growing up, seeing their favorite bands perform, head banging, the music taking hold of them, laughter in abundance, the carefree days of youth, childhood. As Liv walked, memories of days past crossing her mind, déjà vu suddenly hit her. This wasn’t quite the same, but, but in a way it was. Camera, cigarette, cool California breeze, walking to a venue, a venue where she would be seeing HIM perform, that strange, tall, handsome man with the deep voice, intricate tattoo, piercing green eyes, having invited her. His little password, misty sausages. Liv almost smiled, until she thought about all that had changed since then, her whole life, all because of that man, that man who had launched her career, who had wiped away her tears, who had inspired her photography, kissed her, made love to her, loved her. Loves her?

Liv’s breathing grew fast, chest rising and falling rapidly as she almost mindlessly walked on towards the venue, her feet guiding her, but her eyes no longer seeing the path. He fingers began to tremble, near burnt out cigarette falling to the ground from between her lips.

“Liv? Are you alright?” Came a voice near her.

Blinking, eyes trying to focus on the figure near her, Liv looked up, confused. She’d gone to the back of the venue, past security, her pass clipped onto the bottom of her lace tank top. She’d ended up leaning against one of the equipment trucks.

“Liv?” It was Jarno, he stood next to Liv, a deeply concerned expression on his face, he wore all black, as was usual, and held a 12 pack of water bottles, he blond hair in his eyes.

“Sorry” Liv managed to let out between breaths. Is that all you ever fucking say? She thought, sorry? “I think, maybe, the uh, the sun, or something.”

“Would you like a water? Come, there are chairs backstage, you need to sit down.” Jarno said, motioning for the door which led backstage, roadies in black passing in and out of it as they brought in equipment.

“I can’t, Ville’s interview starts soon and I still need to change lenses and adjust some settings.” Liv said, standing up straighter, her breathing still uneven, but her mind becoming clearer. “I’ll be alright” She gave Jarno a quick peck on the cheek before rushing off to make it in time for the interview, leaving Jarno standing confused and worried, watching as she darted through the door.

Get a fuckin grip Liv, she told herself, you can’t go having a panic attack every time you think about the damn man, things will work out, maybe, hopefully. They need to.

She spotted Ville and the camera man idly chatting to each other. With a deep inhale and exhale she walked over, her camera already out as she switched the lens. Ville’s eyes locked on hers, he didn’t smile, he didn’t frown.

Avoiding his gaze Liv turned to the camera man, a tall, unnaturally red haired man with small hoops in both his ears, he wore a plain all black outfit with a few chains handing from his belt, and introduced herself, watching uncomfortably as his eyes gave her the once over before he smiled and introduced himself as Eric before turning back to Ville, asking if he was ready.

Ville gave a curt nod, his fingers fidgeting with the stack of fan questions he would be answering in the interview. Liv watched as his eyes stared a hole into the top card, the first question, he let out a sigh before the cameraman gave Ville his queue to start and immediately Ville’s expression changed, brightening slightly as he turned to face the camera and introduced himself and the premise of the interview.

Behind the lens of her camera, Liv watched as he tried to be animated, as he stole a quick glance her way before continuing.

“So here we go. So Derek is asking me, ‘do you think your understanding of love has changed since Screamworks’ our previous album ‘and has it manifested itself on tears on tape?’”

Liv bit down on her lip as she adjusted the setting on her camera, her eyes focused on Ville, ears harkening to his answer.

“Um, you know, I think love keeps on changing every day, more or less. It’s not black or white, and it’s definitely more than 50 shades of gray, if you read that erotic novel. Close to six hundred and sixty six. So, uh, my interpretation of love in general keeps on changing with each and every song, each and every day, each and every passing moment, with every breath I take, so, that’s it for you Derek.”

He picked up his mood even more after that first question, smiling, laughing. Liv didn’t wait around for the end of the interview, she’d gotten all the shot’s she needed. Silently she walked off, packing up her equipment. She didn’t know what to think about the answer to that first question. She didn’t know what to think about him in general. She was mad at him for needlessly putting both her and himself through this, for making her doubt their whole relationship up until this point. She was also, quite obviously upset, it hurt, not actually being with him, but having him there.

Head beginning to throb, lip on the verge of bleeding, Liv took a seat on the ground up against some black equipment cases near a small table where a few roadies were taking a break. She brought her knee’s up, shivering slightly as she sat in the shade, and pulled out a cigarette, fumbling in her purse for her lighter.

She heard someone sit down next to her, the smell of their lit Marlboro swirling around, the sound of their lighter flicking to life. Liv paused, debating whether to get up and leave, wait for Marcus’s call somewhere else, but decided against it. She lifted her head, turning it to face Ville who sat next to her, one knee up, an arm casually resting on it, the other leg extended, his lighter held up for her, the flame flickering in the breeze, his emerald eyes straight ahead.

Liv sighed, bringing the smoke between her lips to the flame, inhaling deeply, a false sense of calm washing over her. She wrapped an arm around her knee’s, looking forward. She kept her voice low so that the nearby roadies couldn’t hear her, “You owe me an explanation.”

***

He let the sizzling sound of his cigarette, taking a deep drag, fill the silence. The past few days had been complete agony, self-inflicted torture. The more time he’d spent apart from Liv, the more his mind had driven him mad with thoughts of her. Pages upon pages, ripped, crumpled, shredded, littered his hotel rooms, words he wanted to say to her, all centered around his great fear. He was scared, scared of how his feelings had grown, yes, he’d realized how much he loved her months ago, but it hadn’t dawned on him until their return from Philadelphia how selfish his love was. She deserves so much more than I can give her, her whole life before her, things to see, people to meet, experiences to have, and for once, once in my life, I’m not going to be a selfish bastard.

Eyes forward, but not seeing, all his senses tuned in to her, tragically beautiful. He wanted to express to her everything, everything that had kept him wide away, his fingers raw with melodies, but he couldn’t, words weren’t enough. “I just want you to be happy.”

Liv scoffed beside him, her head fixed forward as well. “You have a funny way of showing it.”

What am I supposed to do? She needs to understand, understand that she could be missing out on so much, I just, I wish I would have met her a different time, a different decade, one in which we were at the same place in our lives, it would have been better for her, now though, now it’s what I need, she’s what I need, I’ve never needed anyone as much, but now, she doesn’t need me, she shouldn’t need me. “I’m giving you can opportunity, take it.”

“No” Liv replied stubbornly. “I can see what you’re doing, but no, you’ve become completely delusional, all you’re doing is pushing me away, and I, it’s, it hurts.”

Ville’s lip quivered as Liv’s voice cracked at the end, from the corner of his eye he could see her look in the opposite direction, hiding her face. This was supposed to be a break, but, does it need to be more? I need to push her further.

“Don’t be childish about this.” He hated the words as soon as they flowed from his mouth, dancing in the wind along with his exhale of smoke. He struck a chord, he knew it, and that’s what he wanted.

Liv suddenly got up, tossing her burnt out cigarette to the ground, beautiful hazel eyes afire with anger as she looked down at Ville who remained seated.

“I hate you” She whispered, chest heaving with anger.

Ville got up off the ground, standing erect just inches from Liv, her eyes looking up at him. He determined to keep his resolve. Taking a drag, he narrowed his eyes down at her, “Good”.

Suddenly Ville felt a tightening in his chest, pressure. He sucked in a thin, jagged breath, he couldn’t breathe. He watched as Liv’s eyes widened in concern as he began wheezing.

“Ville?” Her hands hovered around him, trying to find a way to help.

A pain in his chest, Ville began coughing, each exhale stinging, not enough air coming in.

Panic crossed Liv’s face. She brought her hands up to the side of Ville’s face, her small, warm, fragile hands.

She was trying to calm him, he knew, and it was working. He closed his eyes for a moment, savoring the physical contact, determined to remember the feeling of her smooth hands against his cheek, it would be the last touch of hers he would feel for a while.

Still coughing, determination in his heart, Ville opened his eyes and forcefully grabbed Liv’s hands, removing them from his cheek. “I, I don’t need your help. I don’t want your help. Go.”

Pain flashed across her features like a bolt of lightning in the night. She stood shocked as Ville continued to cough, watching her reaction, tears began to well up in her mesmerizing eyes, and then suddenly in a wisp of black curls she turned and left.

***

[Recommendation: play this once through http://weallhitplay.com/2012/10/21/deadmau5-the-muse-katherines-theme-video/

The sun’s rays warmed her closed eyelids, as she lay on a damp cushion of grass, hair blowing in the wind, Goosebumps running up her arms, birds chirping in the distance, the soft rustle of leaves. She’d tuned out everything else, all of it.

A shadow passed over her lids, the warmth gone, Liv opened her eyes hesitantly so see who or what had blocked out the sun.

Marcus stood over Liv, a concerned smile on his lips. He looked different, older. His curly back hair was cropped short, he’d taken out his ear piercings. He wore a black Slayer tee shirt and black jeans, his caramel skin looking more lovely than ever.

“I called” He said, a touch of sadness and worry.

Liv blinked, she’d been trying to hold back tears this whole time, but one escaped as she closed her eyes, whispering, “sorry”

Marcus remained standing. “I called Ville. He told me I needed to find you.”

Another tear trailed from Liv’s eye. “Sorry”

“I looked, I looked everywhere, all your old haunts, that used bookstore, Eddie’s café, I should have known you would be here.” He sighed. Liv wiped her tears, blinking up at Marcus from the ground. “I brought you guys flowers. A lily for you” He held up a beautiful pink lily, Liv could smell it instantly. “And a rose for her.” He held up the rose, breathtaking, vibrant, in bloom. Then he extended an arm for Liv.

Liv took it and accepted Marcus’s help, standing up next to him and looking down, keeping hold of his hand. She accepted the lily from him and watched as he gently laid the rose overtop Liv’s silhouette on the luscious green grass, on top her mother’s grave.

Liv sucked in an uneven breath, this had been the first place, the only place she had had to run to, and yet, this was the first time she’d returned since the funeral.

Liv turned to face Marcus, suddenly snapping out of it, a weak smile spreading across her face. “Hi”

Marcus let out a small laugh, “Hi”

Liv threw her arms around him, holding him tight to her, his toned arms returning the hug.

It was strange, returning home, having to greet Marcus, he had always been there. Ever since they’d first met in middle school, they’d been inseparable, and Marcus had become a brother to her, stability in her life, he’d been there when Liv’s parent’s had fought, he’d been there, phone at the ready, waiting to call with an excuse if she needed one as Liv had gone on her first date, he’d been there to model for Liv as her photography progressed, he’d been there when her dad left, when her high school boyfriend had broken up with her, when she had become introverted, and he’d been there for her after her mother’s passing. But things were different now, and they were growing up, and he was getting married, and Liv was, I’m, I just don’t know anymore.

Marcus pulled back, wiping the tears from Liv’s eyes. “So tell me, what wrong, and don’t say it’s nothing, and don’t say you’re fine, cause you’re fuckin not alright Liv, you can’t lie to me.”

Liv grabbed her purse and camera equipment bag from up off the ground, “Come on, let’s go for a late lunch” She spared her mother’s grave, a small granite square marking her final resting place, her portrait etched into the stone, Marcus’s rose a gentle symbol of love and affection, a last glance before beginning to walk away, Marcus easily keeping up with her.

“So spill” He said firmly as they walked past solemn graves until they reached the small gravel path which led out of the cemetery.

Liv bit her lip before replying, “Ville and I are on a break, it just, just came out of nowhere. I mean, one night we were fine, carefree, happy, and the next he’s asking for time apart, and then he spends the next few days acting like me and him, we never happened, like I’m just a work colleague. I, I just, fuck Marcus, I think he’s just trying to push me away cause, well because of this fuckin age difference, cause he thinks that I’m too young for such a serious relationship. He hasn’t actually told me all this, but I can tell. I just don’t know what to fucking do, I don’t know how I can show him that he’s wrong.”

“But what if he’s not? I mean think about it Liv, you’ve lived this little small sheltered life, and your first try at independence, your first step out into the world, you find someone, and that’s great, it’s wonderful, but you don’t know anything else”

Liv rolled her eyes. “You’re being such a hypocrite, you’re getting married to the first girl you’ve ever been with, you’ve still got your whole life ahead of you, why is it alright for you to be with the person you love, but I can’t? And don’t you dare say it’s the age difference.”

The two turned onto the sidewalk, their feet automatically taking them in the direction of the small diner they had often gone to together while Liv had lived there.

“Fine, I won’t say it, cause you already know that’s exactly it. Anyway, I think you’re not giving this break a proper chance, it’s unlike he doesn’t love you, cause he’s doing this whole stupid sudden break shit out of love, at least it seems that way, so just humor him, suck it up, go out with the guys, don’t stay locked up in your room, like I’m sure you’ve been doing. He’ll come to his senses soon enough.” He threw an arm around Liv’s shoulder and kissed her cheek.

***

“What’s up with her?” Burton laughed as he watched Liv nervously pace back and forth in the small smoking area at the back of the venue, a cigarette between her lips, a single dim outside light their only source of illumination the cool night.

“She has this whole thing set up where Ville is going to call up a friend of hers on stage so he can propose to his girlfriend.” Linde smiled as he leaned against the back wall.

“You make it sound like such a piece of cake!” Liv joined in, still pacing, “If something goes wrong, it’ll be my fault.” She’d run everything by the band, Seppo, everyone, to make sure everything was alright, everything was all set, and Marcus was ready to get engaged, but she was nervous nonetheless.

Burton stopped Liv, he had on a light jean jacket overtop an dark green beater, putting both hands on her shoulders, “stop, you’re making me dizzy just watching you. So when do we get to meet this friend of yours and his future fiancé?”

Liv checked the time on her phone, butterflies flying rampant in her stomach, “soon, I’m just going to introduce you guys, oh and be for warned, he’s a big fan, before your signing and then we’re going to go hop into the crowd, join the audience, it’s great and all watching from off stage, but he wants the full on experience and all, just like what he would have missed out on back in” she paused, her eyes involuntarily locking on Ville who silently leaned against the wall, beer in hand, directly under the outside light, a halo surrounding him, a Marlboro between his lips. He stared down at a few pieces of small, creased, folded papers, he’d been reading and re reading them ever since Liv had joined him, Linde, and Burton outside as they caught some fresh air before the signing. She wondered if Ville was listening… She continued. “uh, back in May, when you guys had to cancel that one show.”

Head still lowered, Liv watched as Ville’s eyes looked up, catching her stare, holding her gaze for a moment, until Burton began to speak.

“No cancelation today, Ville’s pumped full of medications and some prayers to Lucifer, right?” Burton assured Liv, turning to look at Ville, who reluctantly nodded and smiled, before returning back the pieces of paper which had him so transfixed, bringing the bottle to his lips solemnly.

It wasn’t his usual non-alcoholic beer. Liv knew, she knew and it worried her slightly, despite the whole episode earlier that day, she just wanted nothing more than comfort him with words, embraces, kisses. But I’m going to listen to Marcus, follow his advice, give this fuckin break a chance. Ville can push me away all he wants, but I’m not going anywhere. Not unless, not unless he doesn’t love me anymore.

Liv turned as she heard a door open in the darkness, to the side of the venue. Everyone’s eyes darting in the direction of the sound, unable to see its source in the dark, that is, until Gas and Mige’s laughter broke through the calm of the night. Then Liv heard a woman’s raspy voice, Kat Von D.

“Linde!” She exclaimed, stepping into the light, arms open for a hug from Linde.

She’s so beautiful, Liv thought, standing straighter, lighting herself another cigarette, her nervousness increasing. Kat was dressed in a cut up, cropped, black Turbonegro tee shirt, a black bandeau underneath, her masterfully tattooed arms bare, black leather leggings, incredibly high, bright red, platform heels. He black hair put up in a messy bun atop her head. Makeup, utter perfection, dark eye shadow and dark purple lips. A ting of jealously arising deep within Liv. Too many things to worry about.

“How the heck have you been, your dreads look great” Kat chuckled as she lifted one of Linde’s long dreads.

“Thanks” He smiled. “I’ve been good, it’s been a very interesting tour so far”

“Those are the best kind aren’t they?” Kat turned as Burton approached, a grin on his face. “Ah well isn’t it the modern Mozart?” She gave Burton a quick hug before her eye inevitably searched for Ville, who Liv had noticed tucked away the small pieces of paper, quickly finishing his beer and placing it on the ground before approaching Kat.

“Kat” He said, the corners of his mouth up, he brush away the curls from out of his eyes, tucking them beneath his black beanie.

Liv could see it, see whatever had passed between the two bubble to the surface in Kat’s eyes, her eyes which lit up upon seeing Vile. You have nothing to be jealous of, absolutely nothing, Liv told herself, putting out her cigarette so she could nervously chew her bottom lip.

Kat brought her arms around Ville in a long hug, which he returned, but broke off, pulling away, a small smile of pity on his lips.

Kat quickly recovered, her hands fidgeting with the studded purse around her shoulder. Mige threw an arm around her shoulder and turned her to face Liv.

Oh shit, Liv thought, stunned.

“Kat, I’d like you to meet our lovely, young, talented, photographer, Liv manning.” Mige smiled, beginning to laugh as he noticed the nervousness in Liv.

“Hi” Liv said, trying to smile, is it working? She nervously stuck out her hand.

Kat laughed her raspy laugh, ignoring Liv’s hand, bringing her into a quick hug. “I’ve seen some of your stuff, it’s really good, and I mean really good. Next time you’re in Hollywood tweet me or something, I’d love to introduce you to some other photographers, show you some great spots for shoots.”

“Oh, um thanks, uh, yeah, I’d love-“ Liv mumbled, slightly stars truck, until Ville interrupted her, coming to stand next to Liv, but avoiding eye contact with her.

“She’s just nervous is all, if you asked her roommate, he’d probably tell you she never shut up” Ville smiled, before looking down at Liv who’s mouth was practically agape in surprise.

That’s what, that’s what I said backstage, when I first met the guys, he, he remembered that? Involuntarily Liv’s eyes began to water, and she quickly looked away from Ville, who’s expression she couldn’t quite make out, it was a mix of worry, pain, nervousness. Love?

Thank the lord, Liv thought as her phone began to ring, Marcus, perfect timing. Liv looked up for a moment, trying to recede her tears before turning back to Kat, “I’d love to. Ville’s right though, it may take me some time. I hate to sound like some fan, which I am, but honestly it was truly an honor meeting you, you’re quite the inspiration, but uh, speaking of my roommate, that’s him now, I should answer it.” Liv quickly answered her phone as she quickly walked away, passing out of the light, and heading for one of the outside doors of the venue.

“Marcus, are you here?” Liv smiled nervously, all her earlier stress about Marcus’s proposal returning.

“Yup, just waiting at the side like you told us. Hanna’s losing her shit over here, she can barely contain her excitement, you better hurry” Liv could hear Hanna’s protest in the background.

“Be there soon” Liv said before hanging up.

She found the door, which was off to the corner of the venue, the small smoking spot she’d waited in the distance behind her. Passing through and beginning to wind her way between equipment boxes and hectic roadies backstage, Liv smiled to herself. She envied Marcus and his relationship with Hanna. By no means a perfect one, things between them had gone so smoothly though, from their first date in grade 11, to now, as they had taken a major step, moving in with one another. It’s been so easy for them…

Liv stopped herself suddenly as she came to the door which led to the side of the venue, where Marcus and Hanna would be waiting just on the other side of security. Liv, you need to stop this, you want to show him you can handle time away from him? That you’re mature? Than get a fuckin grip, lighten the fuck up. Your best friend is about to get engaged, be happy for fucks sakes.

Liv took a deep breath, before going opening the door and stepping outside again, the night breeze causing goosebumps to run up her arms. She walked past some of the equipment trucks, finally spotting Marcus and Hanna.

Liv ran to them, instantly bringing Marcus into big hug, almost knocking him over. He had changed, wearing his favorite cosmic pope tee shirt and a few leather bracelets.

“Hanna!” Liv grinned, grabbing Hanna into a hug as well. Hanna was much the same height as Liv, shoulder length brown hair, she had on an almost identical outfit to Marcus’s. Liv began chuckling as she took them both in. “I should have known you guys would wear the same thing. So are you two ready?”

Marcus and Hanna locked hands with bright smiles, nodding excitedly.

Liv handed them the passes she’d gotten and led the way back to the venue.

***

After folding and unfolding it with sweaty palms, the papers felt so fragile in his hands, just like her. He tightly shit his eyes, bringing the Marlboro back to his lips.

The signing had gone well, so many devoted, caring fans, Ville’s heart had warmed, but, Liv, he couldn’t get her out of his mind, so he’d gone out for a smoke, to clear his head, before they went on.

She must have spoken with Marcus today, she’s putting on a better facade. Is mine working?

Ville’s green eyes began scanning the papers again, for what felt like the millionth time that day, that week. These three pieces of small, Hotel stationary paper have been holding me together more or less, he thought. He mouthed the lines as he re-read the small script written across the paper. ‘I need you. I need you holding me, whispering sweet nothings in my ear, gently rubbing my back, I need you because I love you, I love you and not having you with me, not being able to kiss you, tell you how my day has gone, just sit with you and talk intimately about life, go out for dinner with you, truly be with you, is killing me. But that doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter because you love me, and your love is all I’ll ever need.’ He breathed a heavy sigh, wiping away the cold sweat from his brow.

The door next to him slowly opened, Kat’s head peeking around. “Mind if I join?” She asked, truly unsure whether he minded or not.

“By all means” Ville said, folding up Liv’s love letter and tucking it in the inside pocket of the black sports coat he’d changed into, the pocket closest to his heart.

Kat shut the door behind her, leaning against the wall next to Ville, pulling out a thin cigarette and quickly lighting it, he tattooed hand bringing it to her dark lips.

“Your book was lovely” He remarked, keeping his gaze locked onto the swirling smoke of his cigarette.

“Oh. You read it?” Kat said nervously.

“I did” Of course he would read it. She was a friend. He’d greatly cared about her at one point, writing her a whole album, how could he not read it?

“I’m sorry if I was, if I was too open. I know how you like your private life kept, well, private.”

It had bothered him at first, but he’d gotten over it. She’d never actually named him, though it had been quite obvious who she wrote about. At the time, first reading it back in April, it had pained him. While he had been with her, he’d wanted nothing more than to love, he tried so hard, but he couldn’t, he just couldn’t love her, and it had hurt her and him both. “I’m sorry I couldn’t love you” He whispered.

“I’m sorry too. But it’s cool, you know, cause when you do love someone, after giving up on love, it means so much more. Do you think though, that you could have ever loved me?” She turned to face him, leaning her one should up against the wall.

“I, maybe. Maybe. But not now.” He’d thought like this in the past, when he’d loved a woman, thinking he could never love anyone else, but then, the love had gone, or his heart broken, and he had been able to love someone else, but this time felt different. He didn’t know why, but he knew, it was only Liv, despite their trials and tribulations, it would only be her, he would never love anyone else.

Ville watched as Kat’s features saddened in the dim outside lighting. She let out a sigh. “I figured. I hope whoever she is, that she makes you happy.” She leaned in, giving Ville a lingering kiss on the cheek, before turning to leave, pausing as she held the door open, “You’re gonna kick ass out there” she smiled before closing the door.

Ville put out his cigarette before rubbing the sleep deprivation from his eyes in frustration, it had been a trying day. He knew he should go in, that Airbourne was almost done. He pulled out Liv’s note one more time however, letting his fingers graze across the soft paper, across her script. ‘And if you worry, please don’t, I’m here, I love you, I’ll be fine, we’ll be fine’ He banged his head against the back wall before gathering himself and slipping into the building. He quickly zig zagged past crew members running around, past some of the guys from All That Remains, giving them a nod as he passed, making it to the side of the stage where Mige waited patiently, scratching his overgrown beard.

“You alright?” Mige asked worried as he looked Ville up and down.

“Olen kunnossa” (I’m fine) Ville muttered, adjusting his beanie, making sure his pack of smokes were tucked away in his pocket. He could hear the loud crowd, their eagerness, their excitement.

Mige tapped him on the back before walking onto the stage with the rest of the guys who entered at the other end. The crowds cheers rising up, filling the air, their screams becoming louder as Burton began playing the opening notes to Unleash the Red. His queue was coming up, his heart beat picked up as the moment came sooner, sooner, and then he stepped onto the stage.

The blue lights above shone down upon his, euphoria quickly enveloped him, it was the crowd, the music, another place, another time, no worries. Ville quickly tossed aside his sports coat, tucking Liv’s note away in his jean pocket, before picking up his acoustic, slinging the strap around him, a lovely, familiar embrace. He turned, looking out at the sea of fans, phones and cameras held up, their excited faces locked onto the stage, he saw Kat’s cheering grin from where she stood to the side, raising her hand, calling out with the rest of the crowd.

The song switched to All Lips Go Blue, than he spotted her. She stood up against the barricade with Marcus and his girlfriend, who were screaming, jumping up and down, but Liv, she just stood, looking up at him with her big, beautiful hazel eyes. A slight smile spread across her lips as Ville looked down at her, and then it was time to sing.

She was beautiful, too lovely to not look at, a blazing comet in a sky full of stars, she stood out, and as he began to sing, he saw her eyes close, and her body begin to move with the jumping crowd, black curls dancing around her face, her lips mouthing the lyrics.

He played for her. He sang for her. There was only her.

He tried to look away, engage the audience, as the show went on, he sang one song after another, quickly ducking out for a much needed smoke break, but it was terribly hard.

The time had come however. Just as he and Liv had planned the week before, right after Into the Night, and right before the last song on the set list, Funeral of Hearts.

As he sang, the lyrics flowing out of him, “Into the night, you and I, torn and broken” He could see Marcus wriggling his way through the crowd, making his way over to the side of the stage where his pass would let him through security and on to the stage.

Meeting Marcus in the flesh, instead of over Skype, had been nice, really nice, despite the slight awkwardness that Ville was sure was due to the fact that Marcus knew about the troubles he and Liv were having. Ville couldn’t help but envy Marcus in a way, how close he was with Liv, but Ville wasn’t jealous, it was evident to anyone that Marcus only had eyes for his soon to be fiancé, Hanna, a quiet girl, but far more outgoing than Liv.

Ville turned his gaze back to Liv, she was talking with Hanna, likely assuring her that Marcus would be right back, her hazel eyes darting towards him, he gave her a small nod, reassuring her that he knew what was to come next.

The song, came to a slow, drawn out close as Ville sang, “Will you meet me there”

He facing the rest of the guys, have gave them a wink, they nodded back at him, smiles on their sweaty faces. They began softly playing the melody to Funeral of Hearts, grabbing the mic off of the stand Ville smiled out at the audience, “We have a special fan out in the audience who we’d like to come join us up here on stage” Screams of excitement erupted in the audience. “Would the lovely Hanna Clemens please come up.” Hanna looked up at him with confusion, Liv talking in her ear, pointing to a waiting Jarno who would guide her onto the stage. Liv, an exasperated grin on her face, began to lead Hanna to Jarno, who waited to the side, on the other side of the Barricade which Liv and Jarno helped Hanna cross, security looking on. Ville reached out a ringed hand to help Hanna up on stage, her eyes wide with surprise, wonder, and confusion. He pulled her up in one swift motion, she was practically shaking. He handed her his mic and quickly slinked off stage, joining a beaning Liv, who stood in the dark wings, as Marcus slowly made his way across the stage with a mic.

“He’s going to say it” Liv laughed as the two watched Marcus gently take hold of Hanna’s hand. Her laugh sent tingles down Ville’s spine, like the soft ring of bells, her beautiful smile shining out in the dark.

Ville’s heart lightened. He’d discussed this with Liv before their trip to Philadelphia. “Nooo, I don’t believe it.” Simultaneously he and Liv turned to look at each other, a breathtaking blush crossing her cheeks before she turned back to Marcus who had gotten down on one knee, happy chants coming from the audience.

“Just watch” She grinned, rubbing a hand over the cheek facing Ville, covering her blush.

He couldn’t help the smile on his lips, the relief. Relief? Why am I relieved? Maybe I haven’t completely fucked us up, yet, though more time, yes, perhaps a little more time.

Pulling out the small, black velvet box and flipping open the lid, Hanna’s face melting with love, Marcus’s voice rang out through the Palladium, “Hanna, will you be my poison girl?”

“aaah he fuckin said it!” Liv chuckled, she stopped though turning her body to face Ville in the dark, “thank you” she whispered seriously.

“think nothing of it darl, think nothing of it.” He was running out of time, he had to go back on, finish the set, just, just one more thing. “I’m sorry, about, about everything, I just need to clear this hellish mind of mine.”

Liv’s eyes lowered as she sucked in a breath, a small hand reaching up to tuck away a strand of her hair, “Just, just take as much time as you need, I’m, I’m going to give this break my best effort, as much, as much as it…”

“Ville you’re on, go!” Grumbled Joseph, one of the head roadies, a voice in his earpiece angrily talking, a walky talky attacked to his belt.

Ville shot Joseph a look before reluctantly walking back onto the stage where Hanna had her arms tightly wound around Marcus, who handed Ville his mic. “Give these two a cheer of congratulations” the crowd roared, “may the big guy downstairs bless you two” He laughed as Marcus scooped up Hanna who was admiring her ring in the harsh stage lights. Saluting them as Marcus carried Hanna off stage, Ville turned back to the audience. “Last one of the night boys and girls, it’s called, the funeral of hearts.”

***

[Sept 23, 2013, Queensboro, North Carolina]

“So do I get to be your best man?” Liv asked, rubbing her tired, stinging eyes. She couldn’t sleep, like usual, sleeping just didn’t feel right unless it was next to Ville, his warm body pressed up against her, an arm hugging her to him.

It was a little past twelve at night, after lying awake in the dark for hours after the show, determined to try to sleep because of the early flight to catch in the morning, Liv had opened up her laptop to check emails, update her site, do work stuff, it’s glow the only light in her dark hotel room. Luckily for Liv Marcus had still been up, and on Skype.

“Of course, but only if you wear a suit and bow tie” Marcus grinned. He sat lounging in the small living room in the apartment he shared with Hanna, munching on some Pringles, his late night snack after Hanna, the health freak, had gone to bed.

“Have you two even picked a date yet?” Liv slid her laptop off her lap, sitting it amongst the folds of her bed as she lay down, her cheek against the mattress, facing the screen.

“Oh come on, give us a break, it’s been what, four? five days since I proposed? We aren’t in any rush. You know, you just want some sort of distraction, you wanna start planning this thing so you have something to do in your spare time.” Marcus accused jokingly, pointing a chip at her through the screen.

Liv shrugged, “so what if I do. I said I could handle this break, and, well I am, but it’s fucking torture, I just, I don’t know what’s going through his head, what he has to work out still, it’s frustrating, but I’m sucking it up, as best I can.”

“I don’t know what to tell you Liv, men are fuckin weird. I’m afraid though.” He set aside his chips, focusing his attention on Liv.

“Why?” Liv asked, sensing Marcus’s change in mood.

“I don’t want you to get hurt, I don’t know if you could take it, I mean, I seriously don’t think your mind could handle it, so I’m fuckin praying over here that Ville has the good sense to figure his shit out and not hurt you. This world is so fucked up, you know, it made it so hard for your heart to open up to people, but so easy for it to be broken, and I’m not going to be there if anything happens, and I know the kind of shit you pull when things go wrong, I fuckin worry about you.”

Tears welled in Liv’s eyes. “Don’t” she choked out. “I, I think I know better now, at least I’d like to think so. I don’t even want to think about what I’m going to do if, if…” She didn’t want to finish that sentence, she wanted that trail of thought gone.

“Well just remember that I love you, Hanna loves you, your grandpa loves you, and the band loves you, and we would all be fuckin devastated if you did something stupid, so don’t.” He gave Liv a stern look.

“I missed your lectures” Liv weakly smiled

“Yeah well you got quite a few of them back in April and May after your mom passed, I had to watch you like a fuckin hawk, seriously Liv, don’t be stupid or selfish. Look I should probably go to bed, I’ve got school in the morning, but call when, whenever, if you need to talk alright?” He sat up, dusting the crumbs off of his chest.

“Alright” Liv sighed.

“Love you, night” Marcus smiled before signing off.

Liv flipped onto her back, staring up at the black ceiling, what the fuck am I going to do now? She ran a hand through her knotted curls. I don’t think my mind could handle it either, she thought, chewing her bottom lip.

Suddenly her laptop began ringing, an incoming call from Skype. Liv turned lazily to face the screen once again.

Tyler?

Curious, Liv sat up, fixing the oversized Iron Maiden tee shirt she had worn to bed, pulling it down so it covered the fact she wasn’t wearing bottoms, she just couldn’t wear the shirt Ville had gotten her. She answered the call, a smiling Tyler popped up on the screen.

He looked to be sitting in a café, a steaming cup in front of him, a large coat hanging on the chair he sat on. His straight light brown shoulder length hair peaked out through a light gray beanie, he wore a green and blue plaid button up.

“Good morning, or I guess I should say, good night, or whatever the time is over there” He grinned, his hand wrapping around his warm cup.

Liv couldn’t help but grin, Tyler was always in a good mood, she wasn’t sure if he was just naturally like that, or if it was because he always was drinking, either way, it was refreshing.

“Long time no talk, how have you been?” Liv asked before switching on her bedside lamp, illuminating her small hotel room. She’d texted and skyped with Tyler a few times since last she’d seen him in person, but recently they hadn’t talked much.

“I know eh? But we’re busy people working with busy people, so we’re, you know, busy. I’ve been good, it’s getting cold here already, as you can see by this behemoth of a coat behind me, so I’m eager to go back home to the States, which is why I Skyped you actually. Remember how I told you about me going down there for an interview? Weeeell it’s on Wednesday, the 25th, in Sayreville, so I was wondering, if it’s still cool with you, if I could tag along until Brooklyn?”

Liv thought about it for a second, pursing her lips. What’s the harm? The guys seemed fine with him when he interviewed them, well, except Ville, but he would understand right? That Tyler’s just a friend? Plus I could use some preoccupation, I need my drinking buddy. Liv’s eyes immediately darted to the half-done six pack of beer’s she’d gotten after arriving in North Carolina, she’d hoped they would help her sleep, but hours later, nothing.

“It’s fine with me” Liv finally answered, smiling at Tyler as he beamed back at her answer. “You’ll have to book your hotels and stuff now, and I’ll have to double check with some people whether I can get you into the shows on the nights you’re with us, but other than that, you’re cleared for landing”

Tyler let out a small laugh “Great, now I’m pumped. I have some friends in Philadelphia and Lowell, so I’ll take you out to meet em, and oh! There’s this music industry people party type thing in Brooklyn on the 28th, not sure if you’ve heard about it yet, pretty sure the HIM guys are invited, anyways, we can go to that. Oh man, the drinks will be flowing.”

“Perfect” Liv said, she couldn’t contain her smile, she was genuinely looking forward to Tyler’s arrival.

“Look I gotta go, work stuff, but I have your number so I’ll text you when I get on the plane and if any plans change or, you know, that kind of stuff, see you on the 25th, bye” He gave a short wave before signing off.

Hm, Liv thought, well now I have something to look forward to, I guess. She shut off her laptop, and tied up her hair, deciding to go down to the 24 hour café attached to the hotel to get a tea. She pulled on a pair of black leggings and slipped on her black leather converse, not bothering to tie them, grabbed her small change purse and room key before gently closing her hotel room door behind her. She couldn’t help but pause as she look down the hall, the opposite direction of the elevator. She was on the same floor as the guys, Ville’s room was only a few doors down. She wondered what he was doing, if he was asleep, or up writing, or reading, or thinking of her. Sighing Liv turned and walked to the elevator, riding it down to the main floor and stepping out into a dead lobby, she didn’t even see a receptionist behind the large mahogany front desk.

The hotel entrance to the café was just around the corner from the elevators, it was small, but looked like any chain café, small round tables lining glass walls. The city outside was asleep, only a handful of lights shone out in the night, a single car racing by. A lanky man in a suit sat reading a newspaper at the far end of the café, near the street entrance, but nearest Liv, sat Mige, black beanie on his head, black hoodie, worn light wash jeans, black converse, a book in front of him.

Liv approached him, “We’ve got to stop meeting like this” Mige had been up a lot too these nights, she’d often found him in the lobby reading, unable to stand his cramped hotel room.

“Hey kid, you can’t sleep either huh? Zombie porn is great and all but you need to take a break, sleep a little” He grinned, tucking the thin ribbon bookmark attached to his book between the pages he was on.

Liv rolled her eyes, walking over to the front counter and ordering a tea from the half asleep young man working, he was the only one, she noticed his laptop open behind the counter. He quickly made her tea, handing the steaming cup to Liv. Slipping on a sleeve she took a seat across from Mige.

“You know, you seem, sort of, could it be? Happy?” Mige teased, leaning across the table and inspecting the small smile on Liv’s lips dramatically, pretending to hold up a magnifying glass.

“My friend Tyler, he uh, he interviewed you guys a while back, the American who can speak Finnish, well he’s coming to visit, day after tomorrow, and he’s staying until the 28th I guess.”

“You like this guy?” He asked raising a brow.

“Just as a friend. It’ll be nice, you know, cause well, you guys know different people in different cities and you do your own thing, so yeah.” Liv shrugged, taking a sip of her warm tea.

Mige gave her a skeptical look. “This is the friend who was with you that one night Ville and I ran into you?” Liv looked away, not wanting to remember, she nodded. “I got the impression Ville didn’t really like him.”

Liv’s head snapped, facing Mige. “And?” She asked defensively.

“And nothing” Mige said, raising his hands up in surrender.

***

“Olet idiootti!” (You stupid idiot) Jesse grumbled angrily over the phone, momentarily switching to Finnish in his frustration. “I should’ve been the older brother, honestly, you’re so, you’re so, ugh!”

“What?” Ville asked confused. He lay on his back atop his hotel room bed, crumpled pieces of notebook paper littered the bed around him, lyrics. After flying over to Sayreville that morning, everyone had the day off, they would be playing tomorrow night, he’d chosen to spend it locked up in his room, writing, writing her name, the words he wished he could tell her, the memory of her soft naked body beneath his, the moment he first met her, the moment he realized he loved her, the moment he fucked it all up. As light outside his window had diminished, he couldn’t take it any longer, he’d stopped finding solace in the lyrics hours ago, he needed to speak with someone, so he’d called and woken up a sleeping Jesse, relaying the whole story of his sudden realization back in Philadelphia, to the agonizing hours he’d spent awake thinking of her, missing her, yes he saw her, yes he casually spoke with her, but it wasn’t the same, it just wasn’t the same.

“You tell me you don’t want to be selfish, that you want her to realize the potential out there in the world, well that’s bullshit. This, this whole thing, this hell you’ve created for yourself, and I’m sure Liv too, it’s all out of selfishness.”

Ville sat up, sliding off the bed, papers drifted to the floor as they fell off the bed, he began pacing. “I don’t understand, how so?”

Jesse gave an exasperated sigh “You’re afraid. Yes, the fact that it suddenly dawned on you that Liv is significantly younger than you played a part in this stupid decision you made to take a break, but, you’ve created this dumb excuse for it, an excuse which even to yourself seems to hold no ground, and you know why that is? It’s because you tried to make yourself out to be a martyr, but what you don’t realize is that you’re being a selfish fool.”

Ville was completely lost, he tore off the beanie on his head as he began sweating, his pacing increasing, a tension growing inside of him “how? How am I being selfish?”

“Pelkäät, että jos hän pysyy teidän kanssanne, hän saattaa löytää joku nuorempi. Tämä koko juttu, se johtuu pelkosi tulevaisuuden hylkäämisestä. Et yrittää suojella häntä, yrität suojella yourself.Subconsciously yrität voittaa hänet booli, samalla paska tekosyitä tehdä niin. Miten olet ole ymmärtäneet tämän kaiken? Tiedät Liv, tiedät hän ei ole mikään tyhjäpää, joka heittää sana rakkauden ympärillä, olet kertonut minulle niin. Miksi se näyttää niin sinulle vaikeaa ymmärtää, että kun hän sanoo, että hän rakastaa sinua, vain sinä, ja että hän haluaa on sinun ja vain sinä, että hän todella tarkoittaa sitä. Oikeasti Ville, en ymmärrä, miksi sinun piti minun huomauttaa tämän kaiken ulos teille.” (You’re afraid that if she stays with you, she might find someone younger. This whole thing, it stems from your fear of future rejection. You’re not trying to protect her, you’re trying to protect yourself.Subconsciously you’re trying to beat her to the punch, while making shitty excuses for doing so. How have you not realized all this? You know Liv, you know she’s not some airhead who throws the word love around, you’ve told me so. So why does it seem so hard for you to realize that when she says she loves you, only you, and that she want’s you, and only you, that she actually means it. Honestly Ville, I don’t understand why you needed me to point this all out to you.)

Ville’s pacing suddenly stopped. He, he’s right. He took an unsteady seat on the edge of his bed, paper crunching beneath him. And it’s just been right in front of me this whole time. Of course I didn’t want to hold her back from anything, but, but if she stayed, if it was me, I wasn’t good enough for her… How, how could I have been so insecure?

“Ville? Are you still there?” Jesse asked as Ville’s silence had drawn on.

“Minun täytyy mennä.” (I have to go) Ville mumbled, hanging up. He quickly threw on some shoes and his black cardigan, grabbing his key card, before darting out of his room.

He needed to speak with Liv, right away. He, he was such an idiot. How could I? How could I have been so, to use a cliché phrase, so blind? That entire marriage thing, I wasn’t fuckin worried for her, I felt rejected, rejected and hurt, and the thought that in the future, she, she’ll still be this beautiful, young creature, and I’ll just be, she won’t, fuck.

He rushed down the hallway to Burton’s room, where he knew Liv was, having a few drinks with the guys, he’d turned down Burton’s invitation earlier in the night.

Running a ringed hand through his messy curls, he gave an agitated knock.

A laughing Gas answered, his glasses on the edge of his nose, an energy drink in one hand, he wore a faded black, Anathema muscle tee, and dark blue jeans. “Ah look who decided to be social” He grinned.

Ville’s eye’s immediately darted across the room, finding Liv, she sat, smiling, a beer in one hand, her raven black hair tied up in a loose pony tail, she wore a black Electric Wizard tee shirt and black jeans. Ville watched as her expression changed as she registered the urgency in his face, his chest heavily rising and falling. Her eyes widened at the sight of him.

“Come! Sit!” Burton called from across the room, he sat across a small table from Liv, a deck of cards in his hands. He wore a white beater and light wash jeans. “Liv was just going to regale us with the tale of her drunken night with Tyler, you know the one, the interviewer, the one who’s visiting.”

As soon as the words left Burton’s lips, Liv suddenly stood up, her chair almost falling over. She stared across the room at Ville with sudden panic, her mouth slightly agape.

The guy’s all looked at Liv with an array of confused expressions at her dramatic reaction to what Burton had said.

A fast thread of thoughts raced across Ville’s mind. Tyler? That shady interviewer who drinks too much? The one who I’m damned sure I recognize from somewhere? Visiting? Visiting Liv? Flying all the way here to visit Liv? And they were all laughing, she, she was happy, smiling. She, she’s… He couldn’t think straight, he’d been too worked up, his sudden revelation, brushing the dust off his true feelings, rejection, and here it was, staring him right in the face. He needed to go, he needed to clear his mind. He turned abruptly turned and left, much to everyone’s continued confusion. He, he needed a smoke, fresh air, he needed to think.

He quickly walked back to his room, a headache forming, his heart still racing, with shaky hands he opened his door, not bothering to close, switching on the lights before he began digging around in the pockets of a pair of jeans on the other side of the room for his pack of Marlboro’s.

Then suddenly he heard his door close, he stood up turning to face the door.

Liv stood, her body covering the door knob, her chest rapidly rising and falling, panic, panic was written across her face, she looked on the verge of tears.

“Ville, please, please don’t.” She begged.

Her voice, filling the quiet room, erupted the built up tension within Ville, the confusion, the anger which had slowly been bubbling up inside of him.

“Don’t what Liv? Don’t over react?” He said, an icy steel to his voice, which dripped with sarcasm. “Oh because it’s perfectly alright for you to over react huh?”

She shook her head, silent tears streaming down her face. “You, you were going to say something back there, what was it?” She demanded.

Ville began laughing venomously, crossing the room, “Nothing, absolutely nothing. Now would you kindly get out of my way”

He watched as Liv cringed from the backlash of his tone, venom veiled in kind words. But she stood firm. “No”

He grabbed hold of the door knob and pulled it open, despite Liv’s futile attempt at trying to keep the door closed by pressing her body up against it.

Anger. Anger and confusion coursing through him, poisoning any happy thoughts he had had at realizing his fault, not ten minutes past. He squeezed through the opening he managed to make and slipped through the door, hearing it slam behind him as Liv fell back on the door after pushing against it to keep it closed.

He forcefully stuck a cigarette between his lips as rode down the elevator, he’d gotten too worked up, he just, she, she… She shouldn’t have been there, she should have just, just. He slid down the wall of the elevator, hands winding themselves in his curls , gripping tightly, his eyes, shut. I don’t, I don’t want to feel this anymore, I just, I want it gone.

***

Liv sat curled against Ville’s door, where she had slumped down after he had left. She had seen it, she had seen it in his eyes, he was going to take it all back, but then…

She hadn’t been expecting his reaction, the anger which had surfaced, he was the calm one, the rational one. I would have explained.

She wasn’t sure how long she’d sat in his room, silent tears trickling from her eyes, but she needed to go, she didn’t want to be there when he returned, she didn’t know what he would do, or say. She feared he might leave her, then and there. I’m a coward, she thought.

Wiping her eyes, Liv scrambled up off the floor, taking deep breaths, trying to calm herself, she felt an oncoming panic attack. Just, just make it to your room, just get there, than you can crumble to pieces.

Liv peaked her head out, making sure no one was out in the hall before she stepped out into the harsh hallway lights, trying to walk as fast, but as calmly as she could to the elevator.

How, how had this all escalated so quickly? She asked herself as she rode down to her floor, her heart begging to race once again as she thought of the way Ville had looked at her, disdain, anger, hurt. Tears began trailing down her face once again as she stepped out onto her floor, thankful that her room was right next to the elevator. Fidgeting with her room key she flung herself in before a sudden hot flash ran up her spine. Her finger tips began to tingle, her breathing rushed and labored as she choked on her breaths. Trembling, Liv quickly stripped off her clothes, leaving them in a pile on her bathroom floor as she hurriedly turned on the shower, scalding hot, and sat down, the hot stream washing over her, steam escaping through the open bathroom door. It wasn’t working, it usually worked, she felt her head grow lighter and lighter, but she fought it. Come on Liv, come on. Slowly, painstakingly slow, her panic attack began to subside, her mind focusing on the hot water on her back, deep breaths, in one two, out one two, in one two, out one two.

It’s fine, it’s going to be fine. He just got worked up, he was going to tell me something and he got worked up and was caught off guard by the news of Tyler’s visit. He’s fine. We’re fine. It’s all fine.

The sudden ringing of her cellphone made her jump, she leaned over the cold edge of the tub, reaching out a wet hand, slipping her cell out from her jean pocket, answering it mechanically.

“Hello?”

“Liv? Are, are you taking a shower?”

“Grandpa?” His voice sounded heavy, strained and heavy. “What’s wrong?”

“Now Liv, I don’t want you to” He said, trying to sound calm, but Liv could hear, something was wrong, something was very wrong.

Can I take any more?

“Grandpa, what’s going on?” She shut off the shower with her free hand, leaning against the side of the tub, an increasing sense of dread forming in the pit of her stomach.

“Liv, it’s your father, he’s in a comma.” His tone reeked of pity and pain.

She wiped her wet hair away from her face. “He’s what?” She didn’t comprehend, her mind still throbbed from her earlier panic attack.

“Honey, your father had a drug overdose in Tulsa, he’s at the hospital right now in a comma.”

“Will he be, is he going to be” The words couldn’t form.

“They don’t know honey. I flew down as soon as I found out, now, I don’t want you to feel like you need to come see him, I know what he did was terrible, I just thought I would call to let you know, and tell you that I might not be back when you’re in Brooklyn, I’m going to stay here until my boy wakes up.”

She didn’t know what she was doing, she knew she couldn’t hear any more, she couldn’t bear to hear the grief in her grandfather’s voice. “Grandpa, I, I can’t, I, I’ve got to go.” She hung up.

She brought her knee’s up, wrapping her wet, shivering arms around them. No tears fell from her eyes, she was too stunned.

Before she could stop herself, Liv had dialed Ville’s cellphone.

He picked up after the 5th ring.

“What?” He asked, his anger still audible.

“I need you, I need you now more than ever, please” Her voice broke off, her breathing heaving with the sobs she tried to repress at hearing his voice, even if it was full of anger, just hearing his voice.

“You know what, no Liv, I’m not going to be your crutch”

He hung up.

The line went dead.