Heartaches Knocking on Her Door

[25th Sayreville NJ, 2013]

Quiet. She enjoyed the quiet. It was calm. Peaceful. Made her feel whole.

Lifting her head from where it rested against the toilet seat, Liv wiped away the residue of a sudden onslaught of the stomach flu from around her mouth, shuddering as she tasted the acidity in her mouth and the emptiness inside. Not just her stomach.

She stood up unsteadily, head pounding, goosebumps on her bare skin, she’d stayed naked after the shower, after, after…

Liv gripped the counter for support. It was hours later. Hours of a seemingly endless stream of tears, cries, and then, throwing up. How could he?
Liv turned her tired eyes to look into the mirror. They were red, puffy, raw. Her hair had dried in wavy clumps, having not been towel dried or combed. I look, pale, weak, worthless.

Liv bit down on her lip as the sad little girl in the mirror began to blur, her eyes filling with tears. “I hate you” she whispered aloud.

Was she talking to herself? Her mom? Her father? Ville?

Tears streaking down her cheek, fingers angrily winding themselves in her hair. “I wish I’d never fucking met you” She whispered, anger rising in the pit of her empty stomach, ache in her heart. “I wish I’d just fuckin died that night.” Her chest began to heave as the hours of self-loathing turned to fury. “How could you?” She asked again, her voice rising. “How could you!” Her hand locked around the hotel bathrooms cold brass soap pump. “HOW FUCKIN COULD YOU!”

Her face shattered.

Shards of glass rained down from the mirror, the soap pump falling into the sink as Liv’s bleeding hand suddenly dropped it.

Liv’s whole body began to shake as blood began to drip down from the cuts on her hand which was still held out. She retracted it slowly, shocked. Oh god, oh god, what have I done?

Panicked, Liv quickly pulled out the shards sticking out of her hand, ignoring the ones she couldn’t pull out. She grabbed the roll of toilet paper and quickly wrapped up her hand before she ran out of the bathroom, the large, cracked, gaping hole in the mirror staring back at her as she fled.

Ignoring the searing pain in her hand, Liv tossed open her suitcase, the light in the washroom illuminating a small patch in her dark hotel room. I need to go. I can’t, I can’t stay here.

She didn’t know what she was putting on, she didn’t care, she had to go, she didn’t know where, just somewhere, out of there.

She grabbed her purse and flew out of her room, shutting it forcefully behind her as she quickly walked down the quiet hallway, past the elevator, and to the stairs situated at the far end of the hall. Feet racing down, one step after another, head clouded in confusion, hurt, anger. Her stomach queasy.

Out of breath, Liv rushed through the main level door, but quickly slowed her pace as she realized a few people were up, lazily walking around the lobby, drunkenly stumbling in. Liv dug out her phone from inside her purse, she felt sick just looking at it, she’d cracked the screen after Ville had hung up, it was a little past two. She didn’t want to draw attention to herself, not in this panicked state, hand wrapped in bloody toilette paper, face covered in a cold sweat. What will people think? When they see me? What will they see in my face? Panic? Hurt? Some troubled child of a girl? She didn’t want to know. She didn’t want anyone to see her.

I need to be alone, I need to get the fuck out of here.

She didn’t know where she was going, or why, but the room, the hotel, life, was closing in on her.

Crossing the lobby felt like crossing a shark infested ocean. She kept her head down, walk normal, hand as hidden as possible.

A small bit of relief washed over her as she made it out the front automatic doors. Liv paused, leaning against the brick wall of the hotel, in the shadows, she suddenly realized she’d stopping breathing. The icy air filled her lungs, the night breeze danced with her hair.

I need to go, I just, I just need to leave.

With shaky hands Liv pulled out a cigarette, just managing to light it as her sweaty fingers slipped across the lighter.

Picking a direction at random, she let her feet take her, take her away from there, away from what had happened, the call, both calls, away from that mirror, away from the hurt, away from him. Passing in and out of streetlights, Liv walked off into the night.

***

His glass hit the scraped, dirty, counter at the bar with an audible thud, the beer sloshing around. Other bar patrons turned to stare, but he ignored them, keeping his head low, furrowed eyes focused on his glass, beer was running low, third, fourth glass. The feeling, the atmosphere, was an old friend. He tuned out the dull chatter, the dull rock, the whole thing, there was only him and the glass, and her fucking face behind those closed lids. His fist clenched.

I hate her.

I hate what she’s made me, a thirty seven year old man with the insecurities of a twelve year old girl.

He scoffed, rolling his eyes at himself. But it was true, in a way. He thought he’d had it together, he thought he was handling this relationship better, the older party, but since Philadelphia he’d become so, so frightened, of the future. Jealous. Insecure. Frightened.

Ville rubbed his face in frustration. He knew he’d over reacted, but why, why did it feel so much worse when he did it. He didn’t have it together, he was crumbling, and he didn’t know why. Can’t I take it all back, the fight, the break, the asthma attack back in May, seeing her, closed lids, limp hand, that tragic fuckin girl who tore strait to my heart the moment I saw her. It was hard, remembering that night, seeing Liv like that, with everything that had happened since then, if he saw her like that now, I, I couldn’t, I wouldn’t be…

He sucked in a deep breath. He checked his phone, no calls. He had been sure she would call again, but she hadn’t, nothing.

I had no right to be angry with her, she’s a grown woman, she has friends, male friends, I over reacted.

He knew last call was coming up, ten minutes until 3am so he quickly drank the remains of his sorrows and tossed a few bills on the counter. Though his mind was clouded with alcohol, as he stepped out into the cold night air, his thin cardigan doing nothing to help him, he knew he’d done something really wrong, and he could admit it. He wouldn’t apologize for his reaction, but he would apologize for that phone call, the ach, the pain in Liv’s voice, his anger had allowed him to ignore it, ignore her pleading words, but now he couldn’t ignore them any longer.

With glazed eyes he quickly walked back to the hotel, determined to check up on Liv, grovel for forgiveness if need be, just make sure she was alright. He wanted this break over, his psyche couldn’t handle it, he wanted her back, safe in his arms, his love, his torment, everything he could and would ever want.

The lobby was dead, only a tired looking man behind the front desk reading a book. Ville, with increasing eagerness to see, speak, hold Liv, rushed into the elevator, his feet tapping impatiently, rings clinking against the railing, as he rode up Liv’s floor.

The doors couldn’t open fast enough, worry had seized him on the ride up. He knew Liv, he knew what she was capable of when she was upset. She wouldn’t though, would she? To me?

His fist came down upon her door, not caring at all about the other hotel guests on Liv’s floor.

“Liv! I know you’re in there. Please, please let me in” He pleaded, hand gripping the door knob, forehead resting on the door, eyes closed. “I’m sorry, and I know that two simple words don’t mean shit, so let me in, let me show you I’m sorry. I’m a fool, a fucking jealous old man who lost his temper. Liv. I love you with all my weak, black heart. Please.”

His words were met by silence.

Can I trust her? Can I trust that she didn’t do something stupid in there? Do I need to break down this fuckin door to make sure she is alright?

He sighed, utterly defeated. If she doesn’t want to speak with me, I should respect her wishes, not cause a scene.

Lifting his cheek from the door, he whispered a hopeless, “I love you” before walking off to the elevator, back to his room.

***

She slowly opened her heavy lids, peering down at the back of her scratched hand as it gripped the edge of her cup of coffee. She let go and turned her hand to stare at stitched up cuts on her palm. You fucking idiot, she thought.

“Are you ready to eat hun?” Said the smiling waitress, bringing Liv out from within her mind.

“Um, no thank you.” Her stomach ached with hunger but she was unsure whether she could keep down anything.

“Oh, alright, well I’ll grab you some more coffee” The waitress said, her eyes scanning Liv with a hint of worry, before leaving.

Liv checked the time on her cracked phone, chewing her bottom lip, I should be getting a call from him any minute now.

After leaving the hotel, she had wandered the city for hours, eagerly searching for a distraction from her thoughts. At a little past five she had decided to find a hospital, get her hand checked out, the toilet paper around it had turned entirely red, soaked with blood, and was beginning to tear apart and fall off. She’s spent an hour in the hospital, first waiting, then having the mirror shards removed, the gashes stitched up. She caught a cab to the airport after that, sitting down for coffee, waiting for Tyler’s flight to arrive.

I should have found a bar in here instead, Liv thought, I just don’t want them, all these emotions, these thoughts.

Just as the waitress finishing filling Liv’s mug, Liv’s phone began ringing. It had been ringing for most of the latter part of the night. He grandfather most of the time. Ville, once. She had ignored them all. This was Tyler calling though, so she picked up.

“Hey, are you here? Liv answered, her mood lightening.

“I am! Where are you? I’m standing near this huge ass statue of, I don’t even know what it is, art? Do you know what I’m talking about?” Tyler laughed. Liv enjoyed hearing the cheer in his voice.

“I think I know the one” Liv smiled. “Be there in a sec.”

She quickly drank the remains of her coffee, placing a few bills neatly next to her cup, a generous tip included, before she got up, adjusting her purse and heading in the direction of the statue which was situated in a central area of the airport, not far from where she was.

Despite it being only around seven, the airport was bustling, tired people, tired faces, wheeling their suitcases around, rushing.

I should have gone back to the hotel and changed, Liv thought. In her rush to leave the hotel she had inadvertently put on her old Depeche Mode sleeping shirt, the irony, the Fuckface Unstoppable sweater Bam had given her and a pair of ripped up gray jeans littered with patches that she wore when she had gone to shows when she was younger, and didn’t wear out in public too much anymore. Fuck it, she thought, she just didn’t care anymore, not just about how she looked, about everything, all the stress, all the fuck ups, they had drilled right into her. I need to step back.

Liv spotted him. He stood next to the odd statue, looking around, jean jacket hanging from his hand, black backpack slung over one shoulder, small suitcase at his feet. He wore close fitting dark blue jeans, a black tee shirt with a skull on it, and a green plaid longlseeve over top. Is light brown hair had grown longer, slightly past his shoulders, and he had begun to grow a short beard. Doesn’t suit him, Liv thought as she approached.

It was strange, and made her uncomfortable, the smile that involuntarily spread across her lips as Tyler’s eyes lit up after catching sight of her. Was it right to smile? After hearing your father was in a coma? After a painful fight with the love of your life?

“hei kaunis” (hi beautiful) Tyler grinned, pulling Liv into a hug. He sounded wrong speaking in Finnish, after months and months being with native Finnish speakers she couldn’t help but notice his accent. “I like the new look. It’s very, fuck you I’m an angsty teen and I’m going to go to this metal show whether you like it or not.” He teased.

“You hit the nail on the head. I used to dress like this all the time, ‘use to’ being the key words here. Not sure what came over me last night when I decided to dress myself.” Liv rambled, grabbing the handle of Tyler’s suitcase, swatting away his protesting hands as they made for the suitcase and leading him over to an exit so they could grab a cab.

“Last night? How long have you been up?” Tyler said, giving up on his suitcase, and eyeing Liv carefully, no doubt noticing the dark purple bags beneath her eyes, her pallid complexion from throwing up during part of the night, he unkempt hair, everything.

“Never mind that. How was your flight?” Liv said, changing the subject and averting her eyes from Tyler, worried of what he may see in them.

“So so, it’s a flight, what can I say. Alright so the plan today, as of now, cause I’ve just decided this, is that we drop off my crap at the hotel, then I get you to a bar ASAP.”

Liv turned to look at Tyler, raising a brow as they passed through automatic doors and into the morning sun. “Isn’t it a little early to be drinking?”

“Nope.” Tyler grinned hailing a cab. “I think we both could use a drink, buut, if you really don’t want to drink just yet, we can grab an early lunch or hang around the hotel?” Tyler slung his suitcase and backpack into the trunk of the cab, holding the backseat door open for Liv.

Liv shook her head as she slid in. I can’t eat, I won’t be able to keep it down. And hang around the hotel? No. Liv’s phone began ringing in her pocket as Tyler got in next to her, telling the cab driver where to go. Liv looked down at the caller ID. It was her grandfather, again. She didn’t want to hear it. He was either going to chastise her for her cold behavior or tell her, tell her that her father had… “You know what, yeah, let’s go to the bar.”

***

He hummed the tune again, aloud, hearing it reverberate off the walls of the bathroom. It just wasn’t right, there was something missing, there was always something missing. Notes, tunes, lyrics, words, they weren’t enough. In the past they had brought him solace, shelter from the storm, but not now.

He let his hand trail along the edge of the steaming water.

I refuse to be overcome by emotion, from now on at least, he had told himself.

He hadn’t slept all night, his anxiety had been too high. He’d sat and tried to read, but couldn’t. He had attempted distract himself watching Evil Dead on his phone, but he couldn’t. He walked around the hotel, up and down his floor, once through Liv’s floor, around the lobby.

This whole situation, it’s ridiculous. If we were to simply speak to each other, have a civilized conversation, point out our own failing in all that has conspired, just, just screw these idiotic problems, we could go back. Right? Then why hasn’t she returned my calls, come to speak with me?

After the sun had arisen he had finally given up and decided to go find a liquor store to drink himself into a comforting stupor until the show later that night. Beer, Jagermiester, Jack Daniels, they were old friends. Friends which he’d had to banish at one point, after they had brought him so low. But as earlier in that night had shown him, after the soothing taste of beer washed down his throat, he needed his friends more than ever.

And so he had gone out, guiltily buying a six pack and a small bottle of Jagermeister.

Slipping into the scalding bath he had drawn for himself, pen and paper at hand, beer siting on the edge of the tub, he thought of her, as was common. He tried to think of some justification for his anger over hearing Tyler was visiting Liv. There was just, just something about him that was off, or was that just the jealousy? Either way, Tyler was not a friend like Marcus, there was just, he was just…

He grumbled in frustration, slowly slipping down until his head was immersed, his knee’s sticking out of the water, hair swaying beneath the warmth around him.

What was he going to do?

He needed to fix it, and fix it fast. He had initiated the break out of his subconscious insecurities. He was the one who over reacted last night. They would be returning to Europe soon, what, what if she didn’t want to come?

Lungs straining, he sat up, taking a deep breath.

Liv, this love, it’s made me completely irrational, Ville thought, but that’s the nature of the beast isn’t it? So easily overcome with jealousy, anger, inner monsters ready to overpower every sweet moment.

He let the rest of his beer slip down his throat. This might not be the best idea, he thought, cups water in one hands and letting it spill down in a waterfall back into the tub. He had a tendency to be easily set off while drunk, easily aroused, easily upset, easily angered, but he needed it, things had become too overwhelming, complicated, confusing to face with a sober mind.

***

“Just take the damn shot Liv.” Tyler laughed.

Liv’s already warm cheeks flushed redder as the eyes of lunch eating bar patrons turn to look disapprovingly at her and Tyler.

Tyler’s eyes followed Liv’s gaze. “Oh fuck em.” Tyler said, pushing the shot of tequila closer to Liv.

The two sat in the dark corner of a small bar that served lunch. Skateboards and neon beer signs hung from the walls, small booths made up most of the bar with a few tables in the center. They’d gotten there around nine after Tyler had dropped off his luggage at the room he had booked on the top floor of the hotel Liv was staying at. Thankfully the two hadn’t seen any of the guys, she wasn’t up for it, for the explanation of why she had so oddly rushed out of Burton’s room, obviously after Ville, she wasn’t up for the fakes smile she would have to put on to stop them from worrying. With Tyler, her smile was genuine, and when the smile faded, and the chaos in her mind became present on her face, she didn’t care if Tyler saw, he wasn’t going to press the subject.

“You said, and I quote, ‘teach me the way’ well Liv, the way is drinking.” Tyler grinned, scratching his cheek, brown eyes locked on Liv.

“Ah fuck it” Liv reached out, taking hold of the shot glass and throwing back the bitter tequila, scrambling to get the lime in her mouth as soon as possible. “Ugh, this stuff is so gross.”

“Well you said you’ve never been that much of a drinker, so you’ll get used to it.” Tyler quickly drank his before grabbing two more from the tray of eight which sat to the side at their table, putting one in front of Liv, and one in front of himself.

Liv felt her insides warm as she looked down at the next shot in front of her. “Tyler” She said, raising her eyes and sliding off her sweater, “don’t you, uh, don’t think that your drinking habits aren’t normal?” She didn’t want to put a damper on things, but the question had been nagging at her.

Tyler’s ever present smile wavered slightly, “Oh I know they’re not normal, some might even call me an alcoholic, but the way I see it is that if I’m not stumbling around all the time, and maintain a level of professionalism while I’m working, than why the fuck shouldn’t I drink whenever I want? And why should you be so hesitant to drink now? You aren’t working until later, you’re a grown woman, no one’s telling you not to, and you quite clearly have some shit going on, don’t you wanna numb it? Come on Liv, just give in for once.”

Without hesitation Liv drank the shot in front of her. Tyler was right, he was so right. It’s dumb to think drinking will make my problems go away, but at least it helps to avoid them. Liv grabbed another from the tray and drank it swiftly.

Tyler followed her example and threw two back to catch up, grabbing another, “Here’s to, here’s to an awesome few days.”

Liv chuckled, warmth radiating through her. She raised her shot glass, clinking it with his.

It’s not working, Liv thought after her and Tyler had finished off the rest of the tequila. Her mind was swimming, yes, laughing at Tyler’s idiotic jokes, arguing with him about TV shows, talking about the music industry they both prospered on, but she couldn’t help but feel that this wasn’t right. I should be back at the hotel, talking to Ville, trying to find out what the hell is going on between us. But she was afraid, and so she stayed.

“You know” Tyler slurred. The fact that he was use to drinking more was becoming increasingly evident, sitting upright, speech sort of normal with slight slurring, while on the other hand Liv’s mouth had been running a mile a minute as she tried, tried very hard to distract herself, head lazily resting her hand, eyes opening and closing at random, enjoying the low rock music in the bar. “You know, I think I’ll always regret moving to Helsinki.”

“Why’s that?” Liv asked, brushing her hair away from her warm face, wishing she was wearing a tank top, that or she could just take her top off all together, it was far too hot in there.

Elbows on the table, Tyler leaned across, he made a dramatic pause before pointing at Liv.

“Me?”

“Nonono” Tyler shook his head vehemently, “women. I hate em.”

“Excuse me” Liv laughed, motioning for two beers to be brought over. “I myself am of the female sex sir, what have we done to you?”

Tyler leaned back in his seat. “Long story. Moved to Helsinki for my job, was introduced to the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, out of my league, a little older than me, she was an elitist, but to my amazement she, she, well fuck, she actually wanted to be with me. She had to travel for work, but she came back to me, I loved the fuck out of that woman, but, yeah, elitist, my job wasn’t good enough for her, wasn’t good enough but oh how she loved the opportunities it would give her.” Liv could see Tyler becoming increasingly angry, face reddening as he continued his story, she’d never seen him like this. “then the bitch cheats on me, just throws me away for a man who doesn’t even want her, he didn’t care about her the way I did, and that didn’t even fuckin matter to her, his was, he was well, his job was better, had money. So fuck the both of em.”

Liv sat stunned for a moment, taken aback at his harsh words, unable to formulate how exactly she felt about Tyler’s short rant. It was alright to be angry about ex’s, but the way his nostrils had flared, eyes darkened, lips practically spitting out the story. He’d done a complete 180, from their light hearted chatter earlier.

“sorry” Tyler said suddenly. “I uh, touchy subject you know, the drinking doesn’t help either.”

“It’s um, its fine.” Liv shrugged it off, he was right, it was just the drinking.

Liv suddenly felt her phone vibrating in her pocket, she spared it a glance, Ville. She didn’t answer. She was afraid, afraid of what he might say. After what he had said last night, after all the indifference, she just wasn’t sure where they stood, she didn’t want to know, ignorance was bliss.

Two beers were place on the table. Liv eagerly grabbed at hers, ignoring the fact that her mind was already spinning, that it wasn’t even noon, that Tyler was acting off character, she began chugging down her bottle. She set the empty bottle on the dark, stained, scratched, wooden table, watching as Tyler smirked across from her.

“So what’s your baggage?” He asked, taking a sip of his beer, fingers scratching at the label.

Liv looked away. The point was to not think about it right?

“Family troubles. Relationship troubles.” Liv shrugged, wishing she had another beer.

“Oh? You don’t wanna talk?” Tyler asked, reaching across the table and touching the scratches on the back of Liv’s hand. She retracted it immediately, regretting doing so right after.

“Sorry. No I don’t. Honestly I don’t want to think about it, I thought this drinking myself into a stupor thing might help.” She sighed, brushing her hair away from her hot face, looking around the bar lazily.

“Remember last time we went out drinking? How plastered you got? That was a fun night.” His glossy eyes suddenly lit up, “Let’s recreate it, but you know, go out to some funner place other than a dull bar, get dressed up and shit?”

Liv wanted to, she really did. Just ignore it all, but the cogs in her mind were still somehow working, despite all he tequila and the beer. “Tyler you’ve got an interview in a few hours, and I’ve got to take shots of the show tonight, I, I don’t know…”

“Yeah and? We can do it all. I am now determined to put you in a good mood, it’s decided. You have no choice in the matter.” He grinned at Liv across the table, her cheeks flushing involuntarily. “Okay, okay, tell you what’s going to happen, cause you know, I’m the man with the plan, so, we’re going to do a little shopping, cause shopping makes girls happy right? Get some stuff to wear out tonight. I’ll call up some friends I know who live around here and get them to come out tonight. I go do the interview, and you, hmm, distractions right? You can, uuh, drink some more? Go out and take some photographs? Whatever, just stay in a good mood. We’ll go to the show, than leave and meet up with my friends.” He took a deep breath after his long winded, excited explanation. “So what do you think?”

“Sounds like a plan!” Liv chuckled.

“Alright let’s begin!” Tyler got up, put some money on the table, than went around to help Liv, who could barely stand without swaying, put on her sweater.

***

The sound of Cold, By Static X, radiated throughout the small hotel room. The iPod speakers pushed to their limits. Some people were probably trying to go to bed already, but it didn’t matter.

She looked at her un-slept –in bed, her new outfit laid out, ready for the night. A tight high waisted, acid wash skirt. Black short sleeved shirt, the neckline plunged down incredibly low, almost to her belly button, and was covered by a shear fabric, which didn’t quite do its job in trying to make the dress a little more modest, you could still see a lot of cleavage, which normally Liv wasn’t comfortable with, but it didn’t matter.

Black spiked creepers lay next to the dress, along with a pair of black pentagram hoop earrings.

She was in mourning. For what? For things yet to come? The unknown future? The possible demise of her relationship? Her father?

Liv winced as her stitched hand grabbed the bottle of champagne she had bought to entertain herself for the few hours before the show.

She swayed her hips as she brought the bottle to her lips. Smiling to herself.

“Cold, we’re so cold, we are, so cold, we’re so cold!” She sang, putting the bottle down and thrashing her hair around to loosen her curls.

The day with Tyler had really put her in a better mood. His temper didn’t again show itself, he remained the cheery friend she knew. Or thought she knew.

She stripped off her towel, slipping on some underwear, ignoring her bras. The song changed to Anesthesia, by Type O Negative.

The lyrics reverberated within her.

“Ignorance is bliss
wish not knew your kiss”

She pulled on the skirt slowly, watching as the tattoo on her inner thigh disappeared as the fabric glided over her skin. She slipped on the top, tucking it into the skirt, reaching for the zipper.

“I don’t need love”

Her phone suddenly lit up, ringing the familiar tune, Liv glanced over at it on the counter of the washroom as she tried to zip up her dress.

Ville.

Again.

She was being a coward. She knew it. She would let herself consciously think about it, but her true fear, the reason she wasn’t answering his calls, or trying to figure out why he had said what he said the other night, why their relationship seemed to be going to shit, was fear that he might just suddenly end it. Tell her he never loved her, that he didn’t want her anymore. It was her greatest fear. So she had pushed it from her mind and had, the moment shards of glass sliced into her palm, began living in a world where things were fine. Everything was fine. Her dad was fine. Ville and her were fine. She was happy.

I’m happy…

“I don’t feel anything”

There was a sudden knock at the door.

Liv snatched up the champagne bottle quickly, having a few sips before holding the shirt to her chest, turning off the music and going to answer the door.

Tyler stood smiling, he was dressed in a in black jeans, a pristine white tee shirt, and dark gray leather jacket. His semi straight hair was slicked back into a pony tail.

Liv began chuckling, gripping the door frame with one hand to keep from falling over.

“You look like” she managed between her laughter, “like a greaser”

Tyler looked down at himself, laughing. “So, greasers were fucking rad.”

Liv rolled her eyes and let Tyler in, giggles still escaping her lips

He shut the door behind him, “You look pretty damn hot, not as nice of a view than that one time in your tent” Tyler teased, sitting down on Liv’s bed as she struggled to zip up the back of her shirt.

“Hey now” Liv warned, as she still fidgeted with the zipper in front of the broken bathroom mirror.

In the mirror she could see Tyler get up, crossing the room and coming up behind her. “Here, let me help you.” He waved off Liv’s hands. She sighed, giving in, holding the shirt to her chest, gripping the counter to stand still.

Her heart began to race uncomfortably as Tyler’s fingers grazed her bare back as he slowly moved her curls out of the way. She wasn’t sure if it was cause she was drunk, or if Tyler had deliberately done that. No. No, he knows I don’t feel that way, she thought.

He swiftly zipped up the zipper and stepped back. “Alright, you ready to go?”

“Lemme just pop on my earrings and put up my hair.” Liv said, stepping past Tyler who leaned in the doorway of the bathroom, facing the mirror. She glanced behind her as she went to fetch her earrings off the bed. He was smirking, smirking at the hole of shattered glass in the mirror.

Weird, she thought confused, putting on her earrings, tying up her hair, sliding on her leather jacket and shoes.

“Okay, let’s go.” Liv smiled. A night, a night of distraction. What good it would do after she would have to spend almost an hour takings shots of him, she wasn’t sure.

“First” Tyler grinned as Liv slung her small camera equipment bag around her shoulders, hand on to the doorknob ready to leave. Tyler pulled out a small baggy from his pocket, holding it up. Four small, round, purple pills danced around as he shook the bag.

“What’s that?” Liv asked, crossing her arms, laughing at the strange smile on Tyler’s lips as he opened up the baggy.

“Ecstasy” He grabbed a pill and popped it into his mouth, dry swallowing it and holding the bag out to Liv.

Her stomach dropped. “Uh, Tyler, I uh, I don’t do…”

“Come on, live a little Liv. I’m not pressuring you, but, you know, if you want to keep distracted, this will do the trick.” Tyler shrugged.

Butterfly’s in her stomach protested angrily, but her mind, swimming with champagne told her otherwise. “Ah fine” Liv grabbed the bag from Tyler, pulling out one of the small pills, placing it delicately on her tongue, and swallowing it down. Anything else right? Anything else is better than this?

***

She wanted to cry, the lights, orgiastic streams of rainbow flashing before her eyes, the cries of the crowd behind her, she could feel the love, the adoration flowing out of them. Vibrations from the amps had grabbed hold of her heart, forcing it to pump to the beat.

Her cheeks ached with smiling, everyone, Tyler bopping his head to the beat next to her, the audience practically shaking the ground, Ville up on stage, singing his heart out, it was all love, love emanating from every warm body packed into the venue, love from every cell, atom.

Her feet couldn’t stop, they wouldn’t stop. She jumped, higher and higher with every strum of Linde’s guitar, every scream of Ville’s into the mic, it was overwhelming, over powering.

She’d never felt this happy, this loved, this care free. She felt like she could take on the world, that nothing could get in her way.

She didn’t notice however the worried glances from Ville, from Mige, from Linde, from Burton, from Gas, from Jarno. It was obvious to anyone who knew her that something wasn’t right, something was, was off.

But she didn’t notice.

Her fingers snapped away at her camera as she danced with euphoria.

She barely knew when the show was over, The Funeral of Hearts coming to a soft finish, the crowd screaming with joy.

“Liv”

“Liv”

“Huh” She mumbled, smiling to see who was calling her name. She felt someone touch her arm, feeling the warmth of their touch running up. She turned, it was Tyler. She loved Tyler. She loved everyone.

He pulled her in and pointed up at the stage as the guys set aside their instruments, ready to exit the stage. “I think Ville’s trying to get your attention.”

Liv looked up, wiping the tears of joy from her eyes.

Ville, wearing his black death card tee, black jeans and a beanie looked down at her with an expression of concern, anger, disappointment, but all Liv saw was love, love and happiness, all around her, she never wanted the feeling to end, she never wanted the night to end. Ville motioned his head for Liv to meet him off stage, and her smile widened.

“I’ll meet you outside the venue alright?” Tyler said, a little reluctantly, handing over Liv’s camera bag which he had been holding.

In a blur, stuffing her camera away, smiling, Liv made her way backstage.

She found Ville waiting in the shadows near an equipment trunk, roadies scuffling by, getting ready to change the instruments, the lighting, for Volebeat.

“Hi” Liv grinned, letting out a sigh of happiness. Her foot wouldn’t stop fidgeting to an imaginary beat, her fingers wouldn’t stop tangling and untangling themselves with a loose thread on her jacket.

Ville, his face still red from the show, sweat dripping from his temple, hair sticking to his face, a bottle of beer in one hand, his arms crossed, looked down at her. “Liv, what the hell’s going on?”

“What do you mean?” She laughed.

“Are you serious?” His stern face cut through her wall of euphoria for a moment.

“I, I don’t understand what you mean.” Liv shrugged, still smiling up at him.

“I mean, I’ve been calling you, I went to your hotel room, no one’s heard from you all day and you come to the show like this? Drunk or, or fucking high off your mind, acting like some childish high school girl in some cliché movie showing off the replacement.”

Her mind couldn’t wrap itself around his words. They didn’t make sense. That’s not what was happening at all. She thought it was clear, so clear.

“Ville, that’s not, not” Tears filled her eyes, but her fidgeting continued, her mind still full of joy, but in the back, deep down, she knew something was wrong, but she couldn’t break the fog that overpowered her senses, her mind, the ecstasy.

Ville grabbed her arm with concern, putting a stop to her fidgeting. “What’s wrong, something’s up, what’s going on I want to know Liv.”

“I, I don’t know.” She didn’t, in that moment, she didn’t know, even without the ecstasy, she didn’t know why she was acting the way she was.

Ville grumbled in frustration, wiping the sweat from his face. “Don’t you dare give me an answer like that Liv.”

The happiness, the joy, it was receding, slowly, slowly. Liv tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, but it was suddenly snatched away by Ville.

His touch was like wildfire. It burned, burned with anger, with love. His eyes grew even darker in the shadows as they scanned the scratched, the gash. “was this Tyler? Are you alright? Liv, what the fuck, I, I’m trying to keep calm but I’m way over my fucking head.” His chest heaved as his voice grew louder. “I can’t fuckin keep up. We’re up, we’re down, I, I”

And all the joy, happiness, love, vanished, the cloud was thinning, yet still had a firm grasp. And here it is, Liv thought. The moment she’d been dreading ever since last night, ever since she first told him she loved him. “Ville, I’m sorry, I don’t, I” She couldn’t articulate what she wanted to say, the alcohol, the ecstasy, they wouldn’t let her. She tried bringing her hands up to grasp hold of either side of his face, but he shoved her hands aside roughly.

She felt defeated, utterly defeated. She didn’t know what she could say or do.

“Go Liv, just go.” Ville grumbled, crossing his arms again, trying to reign in the anger within him.

Reluctantly she turned and left, confused, confused and hurt, the ecstasy still clouding her mind.

She stumbled out into the night, looking desperately for Tyler. Crowds of fans lingered outside, making it difficult to see him.

Shakily Liv lit a cigarette, moving through the crowds looking for him. People were looking at her, recognizing her, but she didn’t notice, she needed Tyler, she needed another hit of E, she needed the night they had planned, the carefree night to continue.

Someone suddenly grabbed her hand, twirling her around.

“Ready for some more?” Tyler grinned.

***

[Sept 27, Brooklyn, New York]

“Liv you’re an idiot.”

She wiped the tears from her eyes, blowing her nose into a tissue. “Everything’s just so fucked up Marcus. I’ve felt like complete shit the past few days, it’s like the fuckin world is caving in on me. I can’t sleep, I can’t keep down any food. I can’t stand anyone I, I…”

“Well that’s what fucking happens when you try ecstasy, you become depressed for the next for days. Why Liv, why have you been fuckin doing dumb shit like E, going out drinking with Tyler all the time, what’s going on, this isn’t like you at all, I’m fuckin worried over here, you’ve been ignoring my calls, I’m surprised you even answered this one. This isn’t like you”

Liv took a sip of her beer, she didn’t know what to say, she couldn’t vent, she knew exactly what Marcus would say, she didn’t want to hear it, just his voice, just some comfort.

“Liv, I know things weren’t exactly tip top when I last saw you, but what the fuck happened since? You’re like a whole other person. There’s pictures of you on the internet, doing dumb shit, always with Tyler. Are you even with Ville anymore? Did something happen between you two? Fuckin open up Liv!”

Her mind pulsed with the strain of her thoughts, fine! It’s my, it’s Richard alright! He’s in a fuckin coma and I, I needed someone and it’s my fucking fault! I gave that money that’s how he got the drugs, that’s how he, that’s, I fuckin needed someone, I needed him and he, he… “Marcus I, I can’t talk about this, I gotta go.” She suddenly hung up, tossing her phone aside.

I’m losing it, Liv thought as she brought her face between her hands, the glow from her cellphone the only light in her dark hotel room. She hadn’t gone to the show that night, or the night before. After Seppo had found out about the shattered mirror, he said she didn’t have to go to the next few shows, although he wanted her there for the last show of the tour. She’d spent most of her time over the past few days either under the covers, or with Tyler, who would come get her, dragging her out of bed, taking her out with his friends drinking. Going out wasn’t fun, it was habit.

Her cellphone light faded, only to light up suddenly again, the Suspiria theme song filling the quiet room. She didn’t want to answer, but she did anyway, turning the phone on speaker and laying back in the folds of her blanket, wiping away tears which involuntarily begun to spill from her eyes.

“Hi” Liv sighed, trying to sound normal. She’d been neglectful of the guys, ignoring even their calls, declining their invitations out to lunch.

“I know you’re wide awake, like usual, come down, we’re going for a walk.” Mige hung up, not giving Liv a chance to reply.

She looked at the time, 12am. She wasn’t sure what Mige had to say, but she’d never heard him sound so serious before, it scared her a bit.

Finishing the rest of her beer, Liv rolled off her bed, switched on the lights which stung her eyes.

She was wearing the tee shirt, the one he had given her to wear, to take comfort during the nights he couldn’t be there. She didn’t know where they stood in their relationship. She missed him, she wanted him back, she wasn’t even sure if she had lost him. They hadn’t spoken since the night she had tried ecstasy, not a word, no calls. She’d been too afraid to go to him, to beg his forgiveness. She missed his soft lips on hers, twisting the soft ringlets at the base of his neck gently around her fingers, his lovely crooked smile, the way he would comfort her by rubbing circles into her back, the sound of his deep voice as he would lovingly say her say.

Liv pulled on her red sweater and a pair of white skinny jeans, slipping on her black leather converse, grabbing her phone and room key, wiping away the moisture from her lashes before leaving her room.

He can’t take it any more Liv, she told herself, he was right though wasn’t he? The ups and downs? They were all your fault, who can stand to be in a relationship like that?

She found Mige waiting in front of the elevator, on the ground floor. He was dressed as he usually was at night, sweats, old faded tee shirt, leather jacket, beanie.

“Come on” He said, giving Liv a warm smile as she stepped out of the elevator, throwing an arm around her shoulder as they walked out into the chilly but clear night, small whips of clouds slowly moving across the sky, past twinkling stars.

“I’ll cut to the chase” Mige said as they strolled down the sidewalk, away from the hotel. “I’m not one to pry into peoples personal business, but Liv, I want you to tell me what’s going on, straight and simple.”

She’d was taken aback. She’d never expected anything like this from Ville. She didn’t want to talk, she had half a mind to turn around, but there was something, something about his warm bearded smile, comforting arm around her, she couldn’t deny Mige, nothing but concern radiated from him.

Liv sighed, pulling a cigarette out of her sweater pocket and lighting it. “My father is in a coma, and I’m terrified of losing him, I’m terrified of losing a lot of people, and so I guess, I just don’t want to think about it, so I’ve been trying to keep myself busy and ignoring it.” It felt refreshing, telling someone, at last. A weight lifted off her shoulders. Of course, there was Ville too, but the secret, that fucking secret, Liv thought angrily.

“You haven’t told anyone?” Mige asked turning to Liv as they continue walking.

Liv shook her head.

“Liv you need to get it together, I don’t want to sound like a scolding parent, but you know that pulling shit like that doesn’t help. I found out today from Seppo why he asked you not to come to the past few days. You’ve got friends all around you, you could have come to us.”

“I know, I tried but. I’m sorry.” She sighed, fiddling with the cigarette between her fingers.

“I’m not the one you should be apologizing to. Tell me, how is your father doing?”

Liv looked away, ashamed. “I don’t know, I’ve been ignoring my grandfather’s calls.”

“Then you’re going to call him” Mige said sternly.

Liv looked up at him, he wasn’t forcing her, but she knew he was right, she wasn’t sure if she was ready to know what was going on though, but that’s how life works right? You’re given blow after blow and you need to find the strength to bounce back up, even if it hurts.

Liv took out her phone, still walking alongside Mige who was leading her, she wasn’t sure where, it definitely was not just a walk around the block, and dialed her grandfather’s number.

“Hello?” He answered. He sounded tired, tired and worn, but not as if he’d been sleeping.

“Hi, it’s Liv”

“Liv, oh honey” He sighed with relief.

Liv and her grandfather had never been too close but he hadn’t loved her any less, even giving her a place to stay with him in Boston after she’d quit school.

“I’m so sorry that I haven’t, I haven’t been answering. Please tell me how he’s doing.” Her voice cracked slightly.

“Well he is in much the same condition as before. The doctors are unsure why his overdose caused him to be in a coma, but they say it’s not unprecedented. They told me it’s a waiting game so I returned home, they told me they would call if anything changed. In short, things haven’t gotten any better, but they also haven’t gotten any worse.”

“That, that’s really good to hear.” Liv put her hand to her chest, sighing with relief, things hadn’t worsened, there was still a chance of recovery. “Wait, you’re here in Boston?”

“I am, has that rock tour you’re on come here finally?” Liv could hear the smile in his voice.

“It has” She smiled. “I’ll come visit you tomorrow alright?”

“I look forward to it, I’ve missed you Liv.”

“I’ve missed you too, I’ll call you in the morning, night grandpa.”

“night dear.”

Still walking, Liv turned to Mige, and grabbed him in a hug. “Thank you.”

“Aw shucks” Mige laughed. “See, just face the things that trouble you Liv.”

“You got it” Liv saluted, chuckling slightly, in a much better mood. “Uh Mige, where exactly are we going?” They’d been walking for a while, with some sort of destination in mind.

Mige let out a light hearted guffaw. “We’re going to catch a movie. It’s zombie night at a local theatre.” He grinned.