Synthetic Love

Even though I lent into Danny, it felt weird. Ricky was there, along with the guys and my old best friend. I'd vanished and they were all probably angry with me.

Vannah glared, the rest of the guys stared in disbelief, but Ricky had a look unlike theirs.

Hurt.

His eyes were wide, his jaw slightly slack and his hands hung limply at his sides.

I didn't know what to say, luckily Chris spoke for me. "Clara? We- it's been years."

I nodded. "Yeah...years."

"You guys have met? You didn't tell me you knew Motionless." Danny interrupted, a smile playing on his face, not understanding why we knew each other or what happened.

"Yeah, I didn't know they would play a show with Asking." The fake smile I bore almost was too uncomfortable to manage.

"We didn't expect to see you, either." Vannah grumbled through clenched teeth. "We used to be best friends," her hard set gaze changed into an obvious fake happiness. "We lost touch, though. Mind if I speak with her...Danny?"

I was immediately scared. Not of her but of what I would hear. This is a conversation I never wanted to have. To explain why I left and without so much of a warning.

Danny squeezed my shoulder. "Of course. Wouldn't want to keep her from an old friend. Go ahead, Babe."

I gave him a quick smile. "Okay, let's talk." She nodded and led me to a back room where some of the extra equipment was stored. She shut the door behind us. "What do you-"

"No. I'll find out later what happened to you but there's someone else you're gonna talk to. I'm honestly just too mad to talk to you right now. Stay here." With that, she left.

The door opened again within a few minutes and when I looked up, I saw that Ricky had been ushered in.

Quick scenarios to maybe knock him down at leave rushed into my mind. I couldn't do that, he deserved answers.

"Hi." He said. I expected more than that. I gave him a wavering look and he started to speak again. "A few days ago, I got my memory back. Kind of strange to see you here, given I just remembered you." He had a faint smile on his face, as if he were thinking of a nice memory. "It seems like all my new memories just happened..."

"That's great...Ricky." His name felt familiar on my tongue. I hadn't said it in a while. I missed that feeling. "Really, I mean that."

"You left."

"I was hurt. You didn't know me and I couldn't handle that. I know now that, that was a rash decision. A stupid one. I had lost everyone, I couldn't handle losing you."

"Really?" He asked, disbelieving.

"Really."

"I'm back now. We could have continued us. Picked everything up. I- I won't go on about this."

I remained silent. The room had become awkward and full of tension.

"You're engaged." He continued. "You have moved on and I still feel like our relationship was happening yesterday. It's like I went to sleep and we were together, I wake up, we aren't and I don't get the details of how everything changed."

"I'm sorry." That's all I could say. It didn't change anything but it felt right.

"No you aren't." He said, his head going down. He turned and opened the door, leaving me to myself.

0o0o0

The show went well for the guys, for me? Not so much.

I was shaking all over. I couldn't deal with the fact that I hurt Ricky and that he remembered me, so he felt the pain.

I had always hated people that hurt others. I had been hurt enough, physically and emotionally, to know how it felt. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, much less cause it.

Now, I had done that. Cause pain. I was the bad guy and that was what bothered me so much.

I loved Danny, that couldn't change, but Ricky would always have a special place in my heart. He was my first love. First loves always stick with you.

I was suddenly confused about everything I had done since I made the decision to leave with Violet.

I was questioning everything.

What if I had stayed behind?

Would Ricky had learned to love me again?

Would I had been miserable?

Where would I be now?

Would I had been there with Ricky when he remembered?

Would we be together now?

What ifs were all I thought about as the bands played. Luckily, Danny didn't call me on stage like he does sometimes. I would have puked.

I glanced over to my left, noticing Violet talking to Vannah. I had told Violet to explain my leaving and what I had done since I left.

I had hurt enough people today, I didn't want to say the wrong thing and hurt Vannah, too. She was my best friend, I'd always care about her.

0o0o0

The show was soon over and I was sleepily stumbling behind Danny to the bus.

We were alone, the guys deciding to go hit a bar.

Danny led me to his bunk, his lips met mine and I daily kissed back. I was tired and at this point, I needed a distraction from my thoughts of the day I had had.

His hands roamed my sides and soon my shirt was off, then his, then my pants, then his.

He always wanted sex after a show. I guess being onstage game him this high that no drug ever could and it made him this way.

His shows ended let, so of course we had had sleepy sex a lot. I always gave into him. I love him, why wouldn't I?

Tonight, I wanted it, too. I needed this distraction. I needed something to make me feel that connection I had with Danny. I needed his love.

I needed to know that I had made the right choice.

The only thing is, once it was over, I didn't know if I did.