Caged Birds Don't Like to Sing

I went that whole day without a disturbance from Jackson. But believe me, I was expecting it. My stomach lurched in anxiety. I knew they time would come soon. That time was sometime late at night. I don’t know why it took him so long to find me. It’s not like I had anywhere else to go to stay for the night.

I heard a fierce pounding at the door. I scrambled up and out of bed and stumbled to the door. I had a sick feeling about who it was, but I still looked through the peephole. I was right. It was Jackson. He was standing there, tapping his foot, arms crossed. He looked closer into the peephole. His eye was huge and green. I pulled away and unhinged the lock. I opened the door, but hid behind it. He stomped in quickly.

“What in the hell was that?” he shouted almost immediately from walking in. I walked out from behind the door and shut it behind me. I leaned against it once it was closed.

He continued his rant as he paced back and forth. “You take my car and stay at some motel. For what reason? What did I even do?” Once he finished his sentence, he stood still and glared at me. Fire was lit in his eyes as he waited for one of my lame excuses.

I looked around the room to find answers. I thought about everything for a moment. I mumbled out some ‘uh’s and stuttered. All I could come up with was, “How did you find me?” It came out in a small whisper.

He scoffed and laughed. All of it was hostile and purely caustic. “How did I find-- That’s all you can come up with? Answer my question first.”

I took a few breaths and kept looking around. “I can’t.”

“Why is that? Why on earth can’t you tell me?” He started to step closer to me, I snuck out from the side and started grabbing my things. He followed me.

I dropped everything out of my hand, throwing it on the ground as I spun around to face him. Anger boiled inside of me. It wasn’t just the dream that made me run away. Sure it helped because I was freaked out. But everything was catching up to me. I couldn’t handle it anymore.

“Did you really think any of this was going to work?” I screamed and threw my arms around. “I mean, really? Things like this don’t happen for people like us!”

He stared at me for a moment, then looked over at the wall. He tried to capture some composure as he closed his eyes. “I really didn’t know. I guess I did have doubts.” His voice wasn’t as bitter this time. I was still overflowing with fury as I felt it coursing through my veins.

“Jackson, we can’t do this anymore. We can’t pretend that this is all going to be over soon. Because it’s not,” I started to fume. I was walking around and getting closer to him. “This is for the rest of our lives. Just let me leave or something, please!”

“I can’t. You know that.”

“But it would be better for both of us,” I started to beg. Tears flooded my eyes. I sniffed and tried to hold them back. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. My eyes burned intensely and I tried to blink the pain away.

“It’s a lot more complicated than you think it is.”

“I know well enough that we are in an arranged marriage. Don’t think that I don’t understand this.” I grew closer to him and started poking his chest.

He sighed, running his hands through his hair. “You don’t know the half of it.”

“Oh, well Jackson, enlighten me,” I sat on the edge of the bed and crossed my legs, glaring at him until he felt ready to spew whatever knowledge he knew. “Come on, Jackson.”

“I’m not supposed to.” His voice got a lot more upset and serious. I could tell he wasn’t about to argue. I could also sense there was a lot more behind his anger.

I took a breath and tried to control my temper. “Tell me,” I plead.

He took a step over and sat beside me. He took my shoulders and placed me perfectly in front of him. “I didn’t want to do this as much as you did.”

I raised an eyebrow. Tell me something I don’t know. I still didn’t say anything. The look on his face showed that he had more to spill. I waited with bated breath.

He opened his mouth, then bit his lip as he searched for the right words. His facial expression worried me. I felt another ball of anxiety sitting in the pit of my stomach all over again.

“Before you guys moved, your father and mine worked together and were great friends. You remember, right?”

“Vaguely,” I replied suspiciously. I remembered seeing his father around the house sometimes at dinner and work events. And I recalled seeing Jackson with him once at a work party.

“Well they both were businessmen in brother companies. Your dad would always say how he wanted to the top of the business as an executive. Except it takes a while. You need a lot of money and experience. My dad thought that if he got your father to CEO position, it would help his company as well. So my dad pulled some strings and loaned your dad a great deal of money,” his voice trailed off around that part.

My mouth dropped ever so slightly. All of our money wasn’t even ours. It was Jackson’s father’s.

He continued on. “It didn’t turn out the way my father wanted it to. Your dad didn’t plan on paying him back and didn’t help my father’s business. He took off and moved with your mother and you. We didn’t hear from you guys ever since that. My dad’s business crashed because of the a few others in the same area failed. It was a domino effect. That’s when my father grew antsy.

“One day, he found an ad for your dad’s company. He was infuriated. He really hated your dad at this point. That’s when I got shoved into the mix. He wanted to make sure your dad lost something, like he had. And he wanted to get repaid for the money he loaned. He wanted me to marry you, along with the return of some of the money he had lent. So he moved me out here to go find your parents. I handed out the offer to them. They didn’t seem very thrilled and your dad was about to kick me out. I had to threaten the lawsuit that my dad made. That’s when it got more serious. They offered you up quick. I guess my dad didn’t know they really didn’t have much of a connection with you.” Jackson’s face was calm and collected. Tears were flooding down my cheeks.

My parents didn’t want what was best for me. I had that feeling all along. But there was still hope in my mind that they really did want that. I was wrong. They didn’t love me. They’d rather have their money. Why have a stupid daughter when you can be rich? Everyone lied to me.

Jackson tried to pull me closer and sling his arm around me. “I’m sorry.”

I pushed him off of me. “Shut up. You were in the deal, too. Did you get some kind of money in this as well?”

“No. I wouldn’t do that to you. I wouldn’t do that to anyone.”

“Can it, Rathbone,” I growled. I stood up and ran out of the room.

“Wait!” he shouted after me. I kept running. When I looked back, it had seemed like I lost him.

I ran out really far. Since this end of town was so small, it didn’t have many shops. I was out in some forest land in no time. When I was far enough out there, I fell to the ground and cried. I scrunched the dirt in my hands and tried to hold myself up. I couldn’t.

Too much has happened to me by this point. No one should have to experience what I’ve been through. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Not even the kids who ruined my high school years. I thought those were the worst years of my life. I was wrong. That was just petty drama. I was in the real world now. And now I was in it by myself.

My parents never loved me. I never had any friends besides Riley. But I was just a pawn to her. I was abused by my first and only boyfriend that cheated on me with my ‘best friend.’ And now I was in some sort of deal. A deal to get me married so my parents could keep their precious money. Some people just shouldn’t have kids.

My breathing started getting really uneven and hard. I felt like I was about to have a panic attack. I curled my knees up to my chest and tried to calm down. Wind blew past me, blowing my hair every which way as the sky began to sprinkle. I had nothing. No family, no friends, no life. No one even cared about me in this world. So why should I even be here?

A bright light flashed over in the corner of my eye. I wiped my tears with my dirty hands and looked up. A horn sounded right after. It was a train. I stood up and patted the dirt off of me. That just created mud streaks all over. I followed the noise to the train tracks.

I stood out in the middle of the tracks. I closed my eyes. The tracks and ground started to vibrate with the weight and speed of the train coming. My inside eyelids turned from black to orange as the lights lit up the sky. The train honked wildly. Maybe they saw me. I sighed.

Then I felt an intense hit to the left of me. I flew off the tracks and rolled into the grass and down a hill. I opened my eyes. I was alive. Jackson was right above me. His face was not pleased. “What the fuck?” He hissed down at me. His hands pressed down my biceps.

Okay. I am in one piece. Everything seemed normal. I looked over to see the train whiz by. “Maybe that wasn’t the smartest idea...” I said as he crawled off of me and I got up.

“You think? Yeah, you almost didn’t have an option to even think in about four seconds. You’re damn lucky I saw you,” he snarled. “What were you thinking?”

“That I have nothing. Why should I even be here if no one even likes me,” I exasperated. I started to walk away.

Jackson rushed forward and stepped out in front of me. “Don’t say that.”

“It’s true,” I muttered and kept walking. “I shouldn’t be alive.”

I looked at his distressed face. He took my face into his palms. “Yes you should,” his voice was weakening as he seemed to almost tear up. His eyes looked at me seriously. His mouth quivered.

“You don’t even like me, Jackson.”

“Yes I do,” he confessed. He looked from my eyes, to my lips, and then back to my eyes. He pressed my face close to his. His lips touched mine lightly. Then he leaned in further, making our lips collide together. I didn’t lift my hands from my sides.

When he pulled away, all I said was, “Don’t pretend just to keep me alive. I heard what you said back at the hotel. I heard what you said at dinner before you took me to Ben’s.”

“Marissa, I just don’t understand you yet. You’re a complete mystery to me. I’ve never met anyone like you. And that’s what I think I like. I just don’t know if you’re worth all the trouble you cause.”

“I’m not,” I looked down to my feet.

“Let’s go back home. Okay?”

“Fine,” I mumbled.

When we got home, Jackson ran the tub for me and I laid down in it. I haven’t had a bath in forever. I kept using the tub as a shower. It was so wide and flat at the bottom that I could stand. I soaked up all the soapy suds and hoped for all the dirt and misery to just dissipate from me. I ended up falling asleep.

I found a fluffy towel waiting for me when I woke up. I dried myself off until my hair wasn’t dripping and got into some pajamas. Then I went downstairs. I must have been out for a good hour or so. It was still dark in the house, only a small light barely lit the living room.

Jackson was sitting on the couch. His head was laid back and his arms were folded. I assumed he was asleep. I sat down next to him. He shifted a little and looked at me. He smiled morosely. “You okay?”

I shrugged in return. He scooted closer and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I felt a little uncomfortable. His hand pressed on my shoulders and gently pushed my head down on his lap. I laid down and pulled my legs up on the couch. I curled up in a small ball. His fingers started to play with my hair.

“What made you leave last night all of a sudden?” he asked after a couple of minutes has passed.

“Nothing,” I lied.

“Didn’t seem like nothing. You were screaming loudly. Was it a nightmare?” His hand started to trail down the back of my neck and tickled my back lightly.

“I guess,” I murmured, closing my eyes. I’ve had too long of a day.

“Want to talk about it?” he offered willingly.

“No.”

“Another time, then.”

“Never.”

“I want to know what’s bothering you. I want to help.”

I think I fell asleep after that. Or at least drifted off enough to not respond. Jackson kept holding me and let my head stay on his lap.

When I woke up, I was tangled with Jackson on the couch. He was pressed between me and the back of the couch. His arm was draped around me. I felt him breath quietly in my ear. It was almost rhythmic.

The sun shone in through the blinds and set a perfect morning mood. I didn’t to get up. I just wanted to stay on the couch and sleep the rest of the day away.

I don’t know what got over me. I guess I could say something sneaked inside of me and took over my body. I don’t know if you’d believe me if I said that it wasn’t me that made me turn and face Jackson. I leaned in close and snuggled my head into the nook on his shoulder, right under his head. But I promise you, it wasn’t me who did that.

Or maybe that’s just an excuse that people like me use. People that hate the idea of love.