Caged Birds Don't Like to Sing

“Oh shit!” I whisper-screamed as I flung off the couch. Jackson’s arm flew off of me. I had a feeling I might have woken him up, but that was the least of my concerns. I started up the stairs at lightening speed and into the bathroom. What a lovely thing to start the day with.

I slid off my pants and dropped onto the toilet. I groaned loudly and placed my forehead in my hands. I highly doubt that Jackson has tampons around here. I grabbed a ton of toilet paper and wrapped it around my underwear. I’ll go stop at a pharmacy or something.

Once I was back downstairs, I looked at Jackson. He was sitting up and looked quite confused. “What happened now?” he groggily questioned.

I walked with baby steps. I needed to rush out of here. “Can I have the keys?” I asked sheepishly. He won’t let me have them, considering what happened the other night.

“You’re asking this time?” he said sarcastically.

I ignored his attempt at a snide remark. “Please.”

“Hell no.” He rose from the couch and walked over. I became antsy and crossed my legs.

“Jackson,” I tried to persuade. “I’ll be right back. Please.”

“Where are you planning on going?” he asked, walking past me and into the kitchen. I followed after him with shuffling movements.

“The store.”

“You don’t even know how to get there.”

“I bet I can find it.” I looked over and saw the keys sitting on the counter. His eyes must have followed mine because before I could reach for them, Jackson snatched them.

He smiled. “I’ll go with you.”

“No!” I said quickly. “I-I mean.... I can just go by myself, you know?”

“Nope. I need to get a few things anyway. Let’s go.” He started for the door. I guess he didn’t care if he wasn’t dressed to go out. He just wanted to make things tougher for me. I groaned and walked after him.

At the grocery store, I got a brilliant idea. I snuck away while Jackson was off shopping and went down the aisle that I needed. I grabbed a box and went to the checkout line and purchased them on my own. Then I waited at the door until Jackson was finished. He gave me a peculiar look.

I saw him walking towards me with only a few bags. “What did you get?”

I stammered for a moment, thinking up ideas. But I finally just said, “Nothing.” Then I kept walking. He was close behind.

“Stop!” I demanded as he reached out for the bag. I quickly switched it to my other hand and held it out in front of me.

“Fine. I don’t get what the big deal is with you girls and tampons.”

“I didn’t get tampons!” I retorted.

“Eh?” He pointed to the bag. The white bag was tightly holding the little blue box that read ‘TAMPAX.’

I face palmed and groaned. He laughed and patted my back as we continued to the car. “It’s okay. We all get our periods sometimes.”

I snarled at him and opened the car door. I looked out the window and crossed my arms the whole drive back.

I tried to relax during the day, but I was constantly paranoid. I hated this time of the month, especially when I am not at home. I kept squirming around on the couch in attempt to find a comfortable position. It was to no avail.

I looked over when I felt a slight bounce in the couch. Jackson jumped over the back of the couch and sat beside me. He handed me one of the two spoons he held in his hands and placed an ice cream carton between us.

“What’s this?” I asked, looking at the ice cream and back up at him.

“Don’t girls like chocolate while on their period? I just got it today at the store.”

I made a bewildered face. Did he know before we left the store that I got my period? “How’d you know I had--”

“You were acting all weird earlier. I had a feeling,” he winked. Then he dug the spoon in the ice cream and took a bite.

I smiled slightly and did the same. “Why are you being so nice to me?” I asked after I swallowed my spoonful.

He turned his attention away from the T.V. He shrugged. “I want to make this experience better.”

“This isn’t an experience. This is our lives. And I was nothing but awful the past few days.” I looked down and felt some remorse.

He sighed and moved the ice cream and spoon on the coffee table. He scooted closer to me and placed his hand on my thigh. I lowered my eyebrows and began to chew on my lower lip.

“This isn’t going to be as bad as you think,” he tried to comfort. “I’m not that bad of a guy.”

My throat felt strained like I couldn’t talk. I didn’t know what to make of this. I just wanted to go home. Even though I didn’t have a loving home to go to. My voice was a little hoarse when I began to talk. “I know you’re not, but this isn’t what I wanted in a life.” My eyes wandered and looked straight down.

“I know it’s not fair. I just want to make it better for you.” His hand cupped my chin and forced me to look at him. Tears began to well up in my eyes.

“We can’t just act like we get along, Jackson. It’s not that easy,” I tried to explain, but my voice was getting weaker and weaker. His hand wiped away a warm tear on my face.

“But I think we can get along,” he tried to persuade.

I didn’t understand where he was getting at. His motives were confusing me at this point. He said he disliked me then he said he liked me. He was forced into this and didn’t want this marriage, now he wants it? I shook my head and tugged away.

“We can’t. We said it ourselves; we don’t even like each other.”

Jackson paused, his mind was searching for some sort of reply. He apparently couldn’t find one. His facial expression seemed injured. It’s times like these where I wish I could read minds. I watched him as he stood up and sauntered away up the stairs.

After some waiting, I heard his door shut loudly. I was confused even more at this point. Jackson at a loss for words? That didn’t make sense to me. That’s when I went up the stairs as well. I went into my room. Once I was in there, I closed the door behind me and leaned against it. I slid down the door and crouched down. I wasn’t going to cry. Not this time. I wanted to, but I wasn’t going to let myself. I just needed to think.

This isn’t the life I wanted. I still had things I wanted when I was back at home with my parents. I was so naive to my household surroundings. I wish I thought somewhere inside my parents liked me. I wish there was a way to get out of this mess. To forget everything that has happened since the day I was born.

My life was going to be my life now. Just Jackson, nothing else. I lived out in the middle of nowhere with him. No friends, no family, no reason to even leave the house. I was practically trapped. So I decided to go find my own escape.

I silently slithered out my door and downstairs. Then exited through the back door. I avoided the woods, knowing that there be a chance that Jackson would be out there later. I kept walking forward, out into the rolling plains for green.

After awhile, the grass started to get higher and higher up my legs. Until it was almost enveloping my whole legs. That’s when I laid back into the green. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths over and over, soaking up the atmosphere. Each breath I took cooled down my whole body with the chilly evening air. The sun was still high in the sky and looking over me with not a cloud in the sky. I stared up at it as the towering grass blew around in my peripherals.

No one wishes this for their child. No one just gives them away like this. I would never push out a kid if I knew their life would end up like mine. Not if I knew I’d be like my mother. If I could even call her that. Joseph was more like a parent than she was. At least he cared. Unless that was a lie, too.

I began to hate myself. I was throwing my own little pity party and it was disgusting. These are the moments I wish Riley would just appear and slap some sense in me. Stop being a pussy and stop feeling sorry for yourself, she would say to me. Stuff may seem rough, but there’s always worse. That’s what she would say to me. It might not seem like much, but it was nice to hear that sometimes. Just to realize how ridiculous I was being.

A few hours must have passed as I sulked in my pool of sorrow. I eventually heard the grass ruffling behind me. The inside of my eyelids lit up orange again. “Marissa?” I heard Jackson ask.

I rolled over and onto my stomach. “What?” I tiredly asked. I saw he had a flashlight in his hands and that it was much darker out than I had remembered. The sky was black and no sun was staring back at me.

“What are you doing out here?” He sat Indian-style next to my head and flicked off his flashlight.

“Escaping.” I didn’t want to look at him. I didn’t want to cry again like earlier. His face has lately been reflecting my emotions back at me. I couldn’t stand it because I knew that he felt the same way I did.

His eyes tried to follow mine, but I was just staring off in the distance. I closed my eyes and let my head drop down and dangle. My hair fell into my face and hid it. His hand started to stroke my back. He pulled me up and close to him, holding onto me tightly.

“Marissa,” he started to say with a deep breath. His voice seemed to be as weak as mine had been. But he wasn’t crying.

“Don’t say anything,” I interrupted. I didn’t shrug him off this time. I didn’t care enough to. Sometimes it just felt good to be held. Even if it wasn’t the right person.

“I need to say something.”

I waited for him to continue. He didn’t. I guess he thought I was going to start rebuking him again. I finally tilted my head up at him. Then he got the idea that I wanted him to continue.

“You’re.... You’re a beautiful girl. Inside and out. I know you haven’t showed me any mercy when it came to your bitter attitude, but it’s the only way you knew how to react. I don’t blame you. I just want to be here for you while you’re in distress,” he admitted openly.

I just kept looking back at him. My mind was at a loss. I didn’t expect those words to come from his mouth. I was thinking that he would finally be open with me and say he didn’t like this anymore and that he was ending it. He surprised me with his sincerity.

I fiddled around with a blade of grass, avoiding the eye contact. “No one’s ever been so understanding with me. Especially after they knew how harsh I could be.” I felt my heart start to beat fast. I became quickly uncomfortable with being this open. I wished that I could suck those words back in right after they left my mouth.

“Everyone should be understanding," I felt my shoulders fall as I became relaxed. I knelt my head back and onto his shoulder.

“Thanks,” I quietly spoke.

He smiled gently. “Don’t worry about it. I just want to make sure your comfortable. This isn’t an easy situation.”

“Trust me, I know.”

He let out a small chuckle and I could hear the grass shift around as he moved. "Here," I heard him say. I started to look up at him. His hand was extended towards me. "Let's go back home."