Caged Birds Don't Like to Sing

After a few days had passed, nothing in particular had changed. I still felt empty and compelled to go knock on my parents’ door. I knew that wouldn’t be the smart thing to do. It would just cause more problems. However, I still wanted to give them a piece of my mind.

Jackson still seemed quiet, too. He seemed just as lost as I was. We talked every so often. I usually stayed away in my room. When we did talk, it wasn’t about anything heavy. Just a few words here and there while watching T.V. or passing by each other. I assumed he wanted me to calm down from all of my stress before he reverted to his same old self. By now, he probably thought he caused most of this anxiety. But I couldn’t blame all of it on just him.

What he said the other night did mean a lot. No one has ever really cared for me like that. I wasn’t sure if he really meant it, though. But maybe I was just over analyzing everything. I had been known to do that. Riley used to call me out on it all the time. I’d always say that I’m not over thinking anything, I was just weighing out all the options. I was always cautious about some things. I guess I always had that one decent moral in my life. It wasn’t like my parents installed anything good in me.

I almost felt bad for the guy, though. Jackson, I mean. He didn’t deserve for me to put him through any of this. I was a bitch and he took it. I treated him so badly at the beginning when in reality, he had nothing to do with it. He was forced just like me. I guess I’ve never been overbearingly kind to strangers though. I lost that trait growing up. That’s the time when I realized not everyone is nice.

That was where I started to get confused. I had never shown any remorse for the people I had been mean to. I can’t understand what was so different about Jackson. Maybe it was because he was the first person to give me actual support.

Don’t get me wrong though. I still wasn’t very fond of him. I can’t see myself actually going through and marrying him. Nothing about him made me feel comfortable or giddy or whatever cliché emotion I was supposed to experience. He didn’t make me smile when I was around him. I thought that was supposed to happen when you were in love.

I sat quietly in my room and held onto a pillow as my mind raced over everything that had happened within the past few days. I felt a tear run down my cheek. I hugged the pillow tighter and buried my face into it. When I pulled away, I saw that my mascara had leaked over to the pillow. I rubbed it, but it only made it worse and smeared it.

I tossed the pillow at the end of the bed and turned around to plop my head on it. I stared up at the twirling fan and closed my eyes. When I wake up, tell me this nightmare will be over.

When I woke up, the room was much darker and less light shown through the blinds. The nightmare wasn’t over. I’m still in the same life as I was before I went to sleep. What a surprise.

I was tangled in a mess of heat and blankets. I felt like I was lying in a pool of my sweat. That fan seemed useless. I groaned and tried to pull myself out of the sheets. I felt sticky and heavy and it made me feel sick to my stomach. After I was up from my slumber, I sauntered down the hall and over to the bathroom.

Once I took a cold shower, I felt immensely better. I didn’t feel as alert as I was hoping for, but then again it was extremely late. Or at least I presumed that it was. I didn’t have that sickly feeling running down my body now, so that was refreshing enough.

That’s when I decided to go out on limb. I walked out of my room and down the hallway. Down to Jackson’s room. I knocked at the door and held my breath. What am I getting myself into?

No one answered the door. I forgot that it was actually really late. I let myself into his room. It was extremely dark, darker than mine. I stuck out my arms and tried to search around and make sure that I wouldn’t run into anything.

I finally reached out and grabbed something soft. Playing with it between my fingers, I began to realize that it was the blanket to Jackson’s bed. Now knowing that it was the bed, I crawled in. I was having one of those moments again. Where it didn’t matter who it was, I just wanted someone. Anyone.

The bed moved slightly as I got comfortable. Once I settled in, I felt another movement that wasn’t mine. The side lamp clicked on. My eyes didn’t take long to adjust for I was just in the fluorescent bathroom lighting. I peered over as Jackson sat up and put on his glasses. He seemed utterly shocked to see me. I slid down farther into the blankets so only my eyes were visible.

“Hiya,” I whispered. It came out a little muffled because of the blankets over my mouth.

Jackson didn’t say anything back for a few moments. He stared at me. He seemed puzzled. I sat up and scooted closer to him. I felt like I was contradicting everything I have said and everything I have done since I arrived here. Jackson seemed a little more tense than usual.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized, leaning my head on his shoulder.

“I thought you said you didn’t like physical contact,” he recalled with a hint of playfulness. His sudden calmness about the situation made me feel a little better.

“It’s alright,” I confessed with a shrug. I pulled away despite my words. He still appeared to be confused.

“You have to stop being like this,” he said smoothly and lazily. He seemed less reserved than usual and a lot less carefree. If that was even possible. He cocked his head to the side for it to hit the pillow. His arm wrapped around my shoulders.

“Being like what?”

“So.... Confusing. You say you hate me, then you do stuff like this. What’s going on?” he asked. I could already tell he knew something was up.

I paused for a moment. My lips quivered and I looked down. I finally sputtered out, “I don’t know. Everything’s just off.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” He suggested.

“I don’t know,” I repeated. I turned my face this time and tried to go back under the blankets. Jackson’s hand grabbed my shoulder and caught me. I looked back at him and he smiled, but it looked more like a small grimace.

“You can talk about it. We can talk about some lighter subjects first. If you’d like that.”

I swallowed hard. I’m not sure if I want to talk about things with him. It’s going to feel like he was some sort of doctor and I was some crazed mental patient. Maybe I’m just over exaggerating. “I’m not sure.”

“Come on,” Jackson said, nudging me lightly. He smiled and playfully said, “I’ll share mine if you share yours.”

I smiled. “Just light stuff, right?”

“If that’s what you’d like.”

“You can go first. Then I’ll tell you something.”

“Okay, well,” he said as he jumped out of the covers. I laughed as he jokingly got into all into it. He sat Indian-style with his arms bent on his knees. His head sat on his fists. “What do you want to know?”

I thought for a moment. I guess I never really thought about his life story. I never bothered to think past when I first met him. Selfish of me, really. I guess I hardly knew him besides the collection of books and posters he had. I decided on something simple and cliché. “What was your first kiss like?”

He grinned and tilted his head down, pondering it for a minute. “I was thirteen and she was fifteen. It was during the movie Titanic.” He laughed for a second, recalling it in his mind. “It rocked my world. I had liked her for a while. What about yours?”

I thought about Chase. I made my stomach hurt and twist again. I pushed the thought away. “Um, it was nothing, really. Just some kid. I was a sophomore.”

“You don’t remember anything specific?” he asked.

“Uh, no. Not really,” I poorly lied. I remembered it perfectly well. After we went on a date, he dropped me off at my house and walked me up the front porch. Then he kissed me. I thought it was romantic then. I’m realizing now that I’m growing up that it wasn’t that special. It actually was kind of common. I wished it never had happened.

I listened as Jackson spilled some more stories. Some were his embarrassing stories and some were actually a little sad, like the tale of his friend Spencer’s death. Most of them were funny stories from the art boarding school he attended. That’s where he met Ben and a few other of his friends. I listened though because all of them were interesting. He seemed a lot more real than I had taken him for. I guess you forget that everyone has their own set of memories that make up who they are. Everyone has a past. It surprised me a quite a bit to hear Jackson’s.

By the time he was finished, we were both laying back in the sheets. I had my arms folded behind my head and I was staring at the ceiling. Jackson was all curled up the blankets.

“I think it’s your turn,” he finally said.

I sighed and turned to him. Reluctantly I asked, “What do you want to know?”

It didn’t take long for him to answer. “Why do you despise your parents so much?”

I groaned and covered my face in the pillow. When I peeked out, I questioned, “Of course it’d come back to that. That was your devilish plan all along, wasn’t it? To get into my home life.”

His crooked smile gave it away. “Maybe.”

I rolled my eyes.

“It wasn’t the motive behind the whole scheme. I just wanted you to be open. You can tell me anything. I’m like a diary.” He chuckled after he spoke. It relaxed me to see how calm he was about the question.

I took a quick breath and summed up the story as quick as possible. “They just never cared for me, I never cared for them. That was and will always be our relationship, I guess. We never really crossed paths for anything.

He looked at me curiously. “Your parents love you. Most parents do love their kids. At least a bit.”

“Not mine. They never gave a damn about my life. They didn’t bother with anything. I basically did whatever I wanted.”

“Isn’t that every person’s dream?” Jackson seemed to be oddly lost at this point.

I merely shrugged. “ I guess, but where are we without some sort of guidance? Especially growing up. Befriending a party animal who was already in their twenties wasn’t the brightest idea ever. But I couldn’t make friends easily in school.” Everything was pouring out of me despite the fact that I didn’t want it to. No one’s ever really heard my side of the story. No one’s even heard the story actually.

“Probably not,” Jackson agreed. “So your parents never intervened into your life?”

“They called this marriage an intervention, but they didn’t even know what for. They never cared to know anything.”

“I’m sorry.” He seemed to be at a loss for words.

“It’s not like it’s your fault,” I said, looking around the room. I was feeling a bit uncomfortable at this point. I held my hands and fiddled with my fingers awkwardly. I never liked being this open. Jackson didn’t say anything in return.

I rolled over in the sheets and decided to go to sleep for now. The little alarm clock said it was around eleven, almost midnight. I wasn’t very tired. Maybe I shouldn’t take evening naps anymore. Especially when they lasted a few hours at a time.

The little lamp was clicked off and the covers shifted around as Jackson got comfortable. The bouncing for the bed seemed too subtle for. It almost seemed like he up and left.

I looked over my shoulder to find that my assumption was correct. He was nowhere to be found. “What the...?” I remarked as I got up. I didn’t really want to stay in here if he was gone. I quickly shuffled out of his room and back into mine. I guess I’d just sleep there tonight.

This is strange, I thought as I hopped into bed. Where would Jackson get off to? Did what I say really shock him? Nothing ever seemed to just cause him to up and leave.

I still wasn’t tired. I grabbed my laptop from under the bed and browsed the web for what seemed like forever. Then I decided to go look for a movie to watch while sitting here. God, how I wished I could just sleep.

After a few hours, I presume, I heard the door creak open slowly. I looked over and Jackson was leaned against the door frame. He was smiling widely and his glare was inebriated.

“What are you doing? Where were you?” I started questioning, closing my laptop and stuffing it back under the bed.

He hiccuped, “Out.”

Of course, that’s all he’s going to say. I started to get up but I noticed something. Behind him, I noticed another shadow stumbling over. As it stepped out of the darkness and got as close as Jackson was, I realized it was Rob. They both started to walk closer. The two of them were fumbling over their own feet with bottles in their hands.

“You guys are drunk.” I tried to push myself on the other side of the bed as they got closer. I crawled off the bed to get out of the vulnerable position, knowing what Rob was capable of. I briskly walked over to Jackson to help him before he fell over. I sat him down on the bed.

I went to go help Robert next. Before I could get to him, Jackson grabbed me around the waist and set me on his waist. He seized my face and kissed me drunkenly. I coughed at the taste of the vodka that was on his lips. I ripped myself off of him.

Warily, I said, “Let’s just go to sleep, okay?”

I looked back at Rob, searching for some kind of help. He guzzled the last from his flask and kicked the door shut. He leaned against it like some kind of bodyguard.

“Come ‘ere,” Jackson slurred as he reached back out for me. He got up this time and threw his arms around me from the back, nearly choking me. He then turned me around and slammed my body against the wall. With the arm that wasn’t holding me down, he drew his hand up and finished off his bottle. Then tossed it over and across the room. It made a sharp shattering noise that made me wince. He wiped his mouth and looked at me. His stare turned downright creepy at that point.

He pulled a fistful of my hair and planted my face against his. I’m not sure what his goal was there, but he missed my mouth and kissed the side of my face, which was squished between the wall and him. I started to bat him with my hands. He finally was pushed off. Him and Robert had burst into laughter like two wicked hyenas.

After his laughter slowed to a mere chuckle, Jackson shoved me forcefully on the mattress. He sat up as he straddled my hips and suppressed my flailing arms. I saw his hands move, but I still felt a force on my wrists. I curved around to see Robert helping to hold me down and scowled at him. Robert lifted one of my arms at a time, making sure not to let me get free, and slid my shirt off and over my head.

I started to panic once I felt Jackson drop his weight onto me and Robert now holding my hands. His face was close to mine and in my hair. Jackson’s lips went for my neck. His hands slipped down my waist and grabbed at my pajama pants. I yelped, but couldn’t get free. I couldn’t believe what was happening. Jackson had said Robert gets frisky when he drinks, and I had proof of that. But I didn’t know Jackson got this way either. Now there was two of them at me.

I threw my arm up with force and managed to hit Robert somewhere in the face. I couldn’t tell because he was behind my head. That got him off of me. I then started to kick my legs around in attempt to get Jackson off. I hit him right between the legs. He groaned and rolled off.

“That’s what you get,” I spat as I crawled up. I looked back to see Robert still coming at me. I flung myself up and got off the bed again. I held my hands up for some defense. Over in the corner of the bed, I eyed my pants, I debated whether or not to grab them. I decide to try to get them to sleep first. I shouldn’t try to get on the bed again.

“Stop being so... mean,” Jackson said after recovering at the end of the bed. I watched him carefully as he got up.

“Jackson,” I started to say slowly. “You’re very drunk. Let’s go to sleep. It will be better in the morning.”

Which was probably a lie. I was going to beat him senseless right when his eyes opened. Being attacked by two drunk men wasn’t on the top of my ‘Thing to do’ list. No girl would want this, it’s someone’s worst nightmare.

He ran his fingers through his hair and took a wavering step toward me. I jumped out to catch him before he fell. He took the opportunity to grab my arm and throw my on the bed. He pinned me on stomach and held my arms behind me as I furiously fought back.

“Jackson let go!” I screamed, kicking around again. It did nothing this time.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he slurred in an attempted soothing voice.

“Get off me or else--”

My voice was muffled by him slamming my head into the pillows. I screamed and started to lose air. When I felt his hand leave my head I propped it back up and gasped.

“You’re so preeeeetty...” He crooned. “I’m going to make you really happy.”

I squealed as he pulled on my underwear. “Leave me alone!” I exclaimed.

Jackson started to kiss my shoulder blades and laid his head close to mine so he could kiss my lips. I tried to pull away, but he was still too strong, even while drunk.

“Don’t tense up,” he said with vodka-scented breath. I fiercely shut my eyes and grabbed the blankets. I started to sob.

I still believed that the experience was real. I screamed when I woke up from it. When I looked up, I was still in Jackson’s bed and he was fast asleep beside me. I must have actually fallen asleep after our conversations. I cupped my face in my hands and sighed. This whole thing was getting too confusing. I’m starting to forget what’s real and what’s not. I’m delusional from these sickening dreams. They had to stop.

Don’t worry. You’re safe in Jackson’s room. He’s asleep. He wasn’t going to hurt you. He wasn’t touching you or trying to....

“What’s wrong with me,” I breathed as I stared into my hands. I knew letting someone in on my thoughts was a bad idea. Even more terrifying dreams came from that.

I must had been my scream that woke Jackson up. “Nothing is wrong with you.” After a small pause he said, “Have another... bad dream?”

I still haven’t told him about my other dream. And I didn’t really want him to hear this more frightening one. I didn’t even like to think about it. The one before was had been just as obscene, but not as graphic. I could practically feel his--

I sheepishly looked over. My stomach lurched when I looked at him. I gripped the covers in my hand and swallowed. I almost vomited in the sheets. I slid out from the warmth of the covers and hurled myself out of the bed. I speed-walked out of the room and landed in front of the toilet in the bathroom down the hall.

I abruptly puked in the toilet. I crawled over and shut the door just in case Jackson became curious to where I was. When I was back at the toilet I puked a few more times until the pain went away. I leaned against the tub and tried to get some air.

I heard Jackson come in. He came and sat beside me. “Are you okay?” he asked, seeming just as disturbed by what was happening as I was.

“Just dandy,” I moaned.

“Fever?” He asked. I knew what made me sick, but I stayed silent. He started to get up, leaning in, and he pecked my forehead. It caught me off guard, but I didn’t budge. As he walked past the toilet, he flushed it and grabbed my toothbrush off the counter and handed it to me. I scrubbed the vile taste from my mouth. Wordlessly, he helped me get up and rinse it. Then he led me back into his room.

Tenderly, he laid me back into the sheets and crawled next to me. “Something must be wrong if you're getting this sick over it,” he stated calmly.

I ignored it and closed my eyes.

“Just tell me, Marissa.”

I sighed. Whatever, I guess I should tell him. “Fine. But don’t get insulted or something. It was just a dream.”

He propped himself up.

I took a deep breath again and told him the story. I felt my cheeks flush with heat. I was enveloped in embarrassment for thinking of him like that. In both a sexual sense and in a violent way. He seemed to listen intently though. I could tell by his facial expressions changing a lot.

At the end, Jackson smiled, “You’re so red right now.”

I held my mouth open for a minute. “That’s all you can say?” I hit him with the pillow behind me. I gushed out my shameful and frightening dream and that’s all he could notice. Not even the fact that he raped me.

“It must have been an awful dream to experience. I’m sorry.” He laid back down on his side. His arm was bent at the elbow and his hand held his head up. I let out a small breath. That’s the kind of reaction I wanted a first.

He thought for a moment. “Well,” he started to say timidly and cautiously. “Do you want to have sex with me?”

“No!” I curtly rebuffed. “I thought that dream said it pretty clearly.”

Jackson smiled. I don’t think he took it too much offence. “Aren’t dreams some kind of subconscious thing? Maybe you want me and don’t know it yet.”

I narrowed my eyes. “I don’t think so,” I said through clenched teeth.

He laughed again, but then said, “It’s not like all sex is rape. I would never hurt you like that.”

Then he became the usual Jackson. The guy that made me want to pull out every single hair on my head. He rolled over on top of me and grinned cunningly. I glowered up at him.

“Seriously?” I demurred. “Can’t we just have a good conversation for one night? Without your nonsense.”

“We did. And this isn’t nonsense. We’re just testing this out,” he drawled as his face grew closer to mine. I held my breath and white-knuckled the sheets between my fingers.

“This isn’t what I wanted,” I disclaimed. I closed my eyes tightly and turned my head as his lips brushed against my neck.

“Maybe it will stop your nightmares” he suggestively breathed. His hand pushed my hair behind my ears and he pressed his lips down onto my neck.

I scoffed at his remark. “Good therapy.” I started to chew on the inside of my lips. My legs curled with the anxiousness. I just wanted out of here.

He ignored the comment. His hands clutched the sides of my waist and ran his fingers up and down my thighs. I kept my hands at my sides, but Jackson tried to pry them off. I wouldn’t let him.

Jackson kissed my lips this time. As much as I hated to admit it, it felt better than it did in the dream. His lips were softer and more gentle. He knew this made me uncomfortable. And he ate up every second of it.

“Just calm down for one second in your life. I’m not going to kill you. We’re just... playing,” he consoled wickedly. His hand trickled down my back and massaged the small of my back.

I peeked one eye open. Then the other. I looked back at him and his eyes lit up when he saw my eyes had finally opened. I wasn’t amused with any of this.

Right now, I’m pretty sure that all the negatives out-weighted the positives. I thought up an endless amount of excuses. What if I got pregnant? What if he had an STD that he didn’t know about? It just seemed to be something we didn’t need right now. It would complicate everything. I didn’t even want it because it was with him.

“There’s more negatives than positives,” I said matter of factly, trying to explain what I was thinking.

He rolled his eyes mockingly. “It’s bonding. And that’s not true if you use protection.”

“I still don’t want this,” I said caustically. “I don’t get around with people in bed. Unlike some people.”

“I don’t sleep around either.”

“Well you don’t seem to be too against premarital sex.”

“Are you?” He asked, avoiding my accusation.

“No,” I said flatly. It wasn’t a lie. I’m not a virgin now so it’s not like I can say I am.

He crossed his arms. “Then don’t point fingers at me. It’s not bad that I’ve slept with a few of my girlfriends.”

“A few?” I pointed out.

“One or two,” he said, skipping around the matter.

I scoffed. “You don’t remember?”

“I do. I was just saying a number.”

“Hmmph,” I muttered.

“Don’t be like that.”

“Do you really want this from me?” I changed the subject slightly. “I mean, it’s not like we mean anything to each other. Can’t we wait?”

“You’re right,” Jackson agreed. His willingness to listen shocked me. I got comfortable after he got off of me.

After a few minutes, I thought I was in the clear. I would just get a good rest. With, hopefully, no interference from dreams.

“Are you a virgin?” Jackson asked out of the blue after a couple of seconds had passed. I turned my face. “Are you?” He repeated the question.

“Yes,” I lied. I didn’t want to delve anymore in my past.

“That makes more sense,” he said.

“How?” I shifted around in the blankets to face him. His reply was confusing me.

“You don’t want the pain. It could hurt the first time. Plus you could-”

“Okay, that’s enough!” I hissed. Funny, I didn’t remember pain when I lost my virginity to Chase. Then again, I was highly intoxicated. I barely remembered anything. Riley just told me the following day. I still regretted it.

I looked away from him as he slid his arm around me. “Night,” I said bitterly. I hopped over him and went on the opposite side. I scooted toward the edge of the bed.

“I see how it is,” he pretended to be offended. He tugged the blanket tightly and it was pulled off of me. I shivered by the sudden change in temperature. “Now you have to be close to me.”

I scowled and didn’t budge.

He laughed, “Get over here. I don’t bite.”

I agreed and wiggled over close to him. His hand held onto my side. I laid my head on his chest.

“Isn’t this better?” he started to say teasingly. He knew I hated it. I just wish he knew how much I hated it. Chase was always in the back of my mind. I never wanted to be close to some boy again. Especially not Jackson. And not after that dream.

“I’ll deal with you tomorrow,” I grunted.

He merely laughed and flicked off the light. Then set his glasses on the nightstand.