The Only One

VIC’S POV

It had been about a week since Kellin and I had kissed. I had pushed him against a wall and we made out for like, 10 minutes. He had seemed really into it. And then out of nowhere, he pushed me away and said, “I’m sorry.” Then he ran off and left me standing there shocked. I tried to go after him but couldn’t find him, and then the busses were off to our next venue. And we hadn’t talked since then. I tried for a couple days to talk to him, but finally gave up. He would come out on stage with us, sing the song, act like he was flirting with me for the fans, then run off and avoid me.

I was laying in my bunk with my headphones in and tapping my feet to the beat. No one else was in the bus. They had all went to lunch or something and I told them I would wait behind and chill out. They didn’t question it. I had been keeping to myself a lot lately. Truthfully, I was feeling really down. I had kissed Kellin and it felt really goddamn good and then he wouldn’t even look at me. I don’t know why, but it hurt me pretty bad. Like if he didn’t want anything like that he could just tell me. I still wanted to be his friend.

I sighed and blinked back tears. It didn’t work though, because a few tears slipped down my cheek a few more followed. I wasn’t crying just because of Kellin, but because I had actually felt the dark creeping into my bones for a while. And being around Kellin distracted me from it. And since he wasn’t talking to me, it was coming back. The thoughts of hurting myself constantly, not wanting to be with anyone, nightmares, everything. I tried everything to distract myself but nothing was working. No wonder Kellin hated me. I was a wreck.

The tears were flowing more freely now. I turned up my music as attempt not to roll out of the bunk and go to the bathroom for a shiny piece of metal, but it didn’t help one single bit. I pulled the headphones out and stepped out of the bunk. I made my way to the tiny bathroom and pulled out my pack of razors from the cabinet. I opened it and pulled one out, sitting down on the toilet. I fiddled with it for a few minutes; running my finger on the edge of it, turning it in my fingers, just staring at it.
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KELLIN’S POV

I know I was being an asshole for avoiding Vic, but I didn’t know what else to do. I had thought I was perfectly secure with myself, but then Vic and I made out and it scared me. I liked it, don’t get me wrong, but I wasn’t ready for that yet. I didn’t want Vic to change his mind and leave after I got attached, hell I had just come to terms that, yes, I’m most definitely gay. And then Vic is kissing me against a wall. I was just really fucking confused. I probably should never have kissed him in the first place. I was confusing the hell out of both of us.

I had agreed to go get lunch with all the guys when I heard Vic wouldn’t be there. They had all questioned why we weren’t talking, but I just changed the subject or ignored them whenever they did. Jesse knew more than the others so I figured he had an idea what was going on inside my head. We were sitting at two little tables we had pushed together. The waitress gave us a disapproving look but we ignored her and sat there anyway. We had ordered and I was sitting there playing with my straw waiting for my food. Everyone was talking and I was just sort of listening throwing in my opinion about the topic occasionally. Finally our food came, causing everyone to stop talking as much and fill their stomachs. I ordered chicken strips and fries. I wasn’t really hungry, but I figured I would eat now instead of starving later.

I was working on one of my chickens when Tony got up to go back to the bus. He said he was going to check on Vic. Guilt shot through me. I had heard them talking about how he was being antisocial and that maybe his depression was coming back, but I still couldn’t bring myself to go talk to him.

After we finished our meals, we all ordered desserts. But before our food could arrive, Mike’s phone started ringing. He picked it up laughing at a joke someone had just said. He put it to his ear and his face immediately fell. He listened for a few moments and said, “shit,” then hung up the phone and stood up. “Guys I gotta go,” he told us walking away from the table. I watched him walk out of the restaurant and start running as soon as he was outside. A few of us looked over and Jaime and he just shrugged. We all shook it off when we saw our sweets arriving. I could always eat a sundae no matter how full I was.

We finished eating our dessert and headed back to the busses, stopping at a few places on the way back.
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VIC’S POV

I heard the bus door open and Tony say, “Vic, where you at man?” I tried to clean up, but it was too late. The bathroom door opened and Tony looked at me and then straight to my arm. His mouth fell open a little bit and his face went white. “Wha.. but.. why?” was all he could stutter out. “Look Tony, please don’t tell anyone. Just close the door and please leave. Just leave okay!” I said. I didn’t mean to yell, but I was about to break down and I wanted him gone. He closed the door and stepped away. I finished cleaning up and walked outside.

I saw Tony standing in the middle of the living area hanging up his phone. My stomach dropped. “Tony, who did you call?!” I yelled out at him. There was no stopping the tears now. They all rushed out of my eyes at once. I could tell Tony didn’t know what to do but I didn’t care. I ran to my bunk and crawled in, facing the wall. I pulled my knees to my chest and just layed there and sobbed.

I only layed there for a couple of minutes before I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned over and started to say, “Tony, I sa-“ but I stopped because it was Mike standing there. The thought of my little brother knowing I had relapsed made me cry more. I sat up and he crawled in and sat beside me. I scooched over to him and rested my head on his shoulder. He was much taller than me. “Vic, why’d you do it man? I thought you were better,” he asked me. His voice sounded so sad. I just shrugged my shoulders and cried a little harder. “No, Vic, don’t give me that shit. Why did you do it? Was it Kellin? Cause I swear if it was I’ll kill him,” he said. I sat up and looked at him and said through sniffles, “Well, I mean I was getting better and then you know me and him kissed and I just felt like maybe me and him would go somewhere. But it wasn’t all him. I’ve been felling it come back for a while now. He just sort of distracted me from it I guess.”

Mike looked at me and hugged me. “Please just try not to again, okay. I don’t want to see my older brother going through this shit again,” he told me. I just nodded into his shoulder. He pulled away and left the bunk. I had no clue where he was going though.
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KELLIN’S POV

We had just left a little record shop and decided to go back to the busses for real now.

When we go there, Jaime went to his bus and me and the guys walked to ours. To our surprise, Mike was waiting outside smoking a cigarette. “Hey I need to talk to Kellin alone,” he said, his face emotionless. The guys gave me look and I shrugged. They walked onto the bus and closed the door. Mike started to walk away from the bus and out to the middle of the parking lot. I followed him. He turned around and said, “Okay Kellin, I know what’s going on with you and Vic. I know about the kisses, I know about him liking you, I know everything. But I can’t seem to figure out one thing, why you’re avoiding him. I don’t need you to explain it to me, just cut the crap and talk to him or I will literally cancel this whole tour. Got it?” he said, taking a drag of his cigarette. My mouth fell open a little. I know he was just trying to protect his older brother, but damn it was kinda scary. He raised his eyebrows waiting for me to respond. I nodded my head yes and he turned and walked off.

It made me wonder what had happened. Tony left to check on Vic, Mike got a call that seemed pretty serious and then he disappeared, and now he was threatening me. I was gonna talk to Vic as soon as we arrived in our next city. I took off running realizing they were waiting for me so we could leave.