Making Hits for Your Heart

“No need to take turns. Just throw out questions as you see fit.” Jamison said, as she and John sat across from one another on the floor if the living room.

“Alright.” He crossed his legs getting himself mentally prepared.

“I’ll go easy…” She began, “Full name?”

“John Cornelius O’Callaghan the Fifth.” He proudly said with a smile, “Tossback. Your full name?”

“Jamison Jae In Song—no fancy numbers at the end for me.” She chuckled, “Tendencies you have when you’re drunk?”

“I giggle a lot… sometimes, I have a tendency to get naked. But I’ve learned to control that.” They both laughed, “Have you ever dated anyone you worked with?”

“No.” She shook her head.

“Have you thought of it?”

“Yes.”

“With who?”

“I totally wanted to date…” Jamison picked up her shot and drank it.

“Who!?” John shrieked quietly holding back laughter.

“You know this person.” She teased, giving him a smirk.

“Now I really want to know…” He said like a curious child.

“I drank my shot, sir!” She laughed at his reaction, “Song you wish you wrote that one of your friends has written?”

“Honestly, “I Do” by A Rocket To The Moon… I’ve always been a bit envious of Nick’s ability to write a good love song. He’s been with his girlfriend for years and they are best friends, he somehow just exudes love. Hence all the good love songs. I feel like I’ve never written a real love song. I hope to one day. One filled with every piece of love I have for that person.” He answered, “Song you wish you wrote that one of your friends has written?”

“’Into The Airwaves’ by Jack’s Mannequin aka The Great Andrew McMahon.”

“Good choice.” He smiled with approval, “Name of the boy you lost your virginity to?” He asked raising the stakes of the game slowly. Either one of the two was going to get wasted first or spill all their secrets.

“That would imply I have lost it…” She nonchalantly answered.

“Really?” John raised his eyebrows in surprise.

“Yes sir.”

“I find this a bit hard to believe yet, I don’t…” He admitted squinting his eyes as he thought about it.

“Been too busy giving my body away to the studio than to boys.” Jamison said jokingly with a laugh.

“Not even with that one guy you dated?”

“Nope.” She shook her head, “Cliché as it may seem, when I fall in love with someone and am ready to let down all my inhibitions and walls completely. I think that’s when it’ll be time. Honestly, the first time is rarely ever good from what I am told— I mostly hear it’s awkward, scary, and daunting… I rather have my awkward, scary, daunting first time with someone I can wholeheartedly trust… and love. Gosh, that made me sound really lame.” She laughed feeling a bit embarrassed by her own words.

“Not at all.” John shook his head, “Very admirable… and you’re right, first times are just… terrifying and awkward.” He snickered to himself while thinking about his first time.

“What was your first time like?”

“My lips are sealed…” John smiled before taking his shot.

“Cop out.” She refilled both glasses with more alcohol.

“Says the girl who copped out on the simple question, ‘Did you want to date anyone you’ve worked with?’” He rolled his eyes.

“Maybe I just wanted to play mind games with you to think of a million different people.”

“I thought this was about telling the truth.”

“But this is also a game.” She countered, with a small laugh.

“Okay, I impose a new game called. ‘No Mind Games’, Let’s be two people completely honest with each other-- no bullshit. And whatever is said tonight stays between us till our grave.” John suggested, the alcohol was already letting down his walls.

“Deal.” Jamison let out her pinky causing John to look at her a bit confused before he realized what she was proposing. He laughed and linked his pinky with hers.

“Let’s also drink to it.” He lifted his shot glass and clinked with Jamison’s glass before they both drank the contents within it.

“Your first impression of me?” She asked, refilling their glasses once again.

“Honestly, I was apprehensive of you. I knew nothing about you but I was apprehensive about you.” He admitted sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck nervously wondering if she would take offense to his words.

“Letting a girl into the boys club?” She asked, not fazed by his words whatsoever.

“Exactly—gosh, it sounds so sexist now that I hear it out loud.” He chuckled nervously.

“I get why you feel that way… but did I prove myself yet?”

“More than enough, I couldn’t imagine you not being a part of this process.” John said reassuringly, “What was your first impression of me?” He was now curious.

“Tall. Determined. Wanted to prove something?” She said, unsure of her words for the last statement.

“Interesting assessment.” He chuckled at her choice of words.

“You looked like a man on a mission to get Brendan to say yes.” She elaborated as she laughed, taking another shot.

“I was—we all were.”

“But something about you especially your eyes. I don’t know if it was Brendan or the whole process of needing to make this album. But you were a man on a mission. You kind of still are… I have no idea what you’re searching for.” She said, refilling her glass and taking another drink. He took in her words and wondered if he seemed that transparent to everyone or just her.

“I just realized this but you can drink a lot.” He said observantly watching her refill her glass again and he took a drink from his own.

“Did you not know this?” She looked at him in surprise. “Koreans are the Irish of Asia. We are all born with an extra liver.” She joked causing John to chuckle.

“Really now?” He asked completely amused by her statement.

“Plus, I have a wooden leg.” She said sarcastically causing John to chuckle again.

“I wondered why I have never seen you in shorts.” He played along causing Jamison to roll her eyes and laugh.

“If you have had one; tell me about a recurring dream you once had that you’ve never told anyone about for whatever reason.”

“I think I never told anyone about this cause I still never been able to make sense of it… to this day.” John said, as he began to collect his thoughts hoping it would make sense. “It was during I guess what we can call my “rock star” phase. It was when the shit with Warner happened after ‘Black and White’ was released… we were all kind of worried with what was going to happen to us—as a band, as people, and I acted out a bit by drinking excessively and sleeping with the occasional acquaintance—which I will say I am not proud of but I’ve learned and grown since then…” He said almost in a panicking tone, as he was partially defending himself.

“No judgment here.” She put up her hands looking at him then gestured him to continue with his story.

“But for a few weeks while I acted like a dumbass—feeling just so empty, not even scared of the unknown and what was going to happen with the band... just empty for some reason, I had these recurring dreams and I don’t know what they were exactly about. But I was sitting in a chair blindfolded and this girl just comes up from behind me, starts speaking, and placing her hand over my heart… I don’t know what’s she saying exactly, just in another language of some sort but all I feel is comfort from her words. Even though, I have no idea what she’s saying and I just don’t feel empty anymore and all the scars I had are healed. I feel okay and… loved. But she takes off my blindfold and I turn around and she’s gone and I wake up.” John explained, as his eyes drifted off and he was getting lost in his own thoughts.

“That sounds intense.”

“For some reason, ever since then… I feel like said dream girl has taken a part of my heart and run off with it.” He chuckled sheepishly, “And that I have to find her to have to be whole again… but I haven’t dreamt of her since then. And now, I feel crazy even telling you this.” He admitted nervously running his hand through his hair before taking another shot.

“Not at all…” She shook her head, unaffectedly looking at him. “So, does that make you a believer in soul mates and fate?”

“To an extent… I like the idea that there’s one person out there just for me. But I also know it also takes work to keep it together. It’s not just ‘bam, we’re set for life when we meet’ kind of ordeal.” He explained, watching her refill his shot glass. “What about you do you believe in soul mates, fate, or is it all just a happy coincidence?”

“I believe in fate— it’s nice to think that you’re meant to meet someone or do something. But I believe getting there is all by choice.” She said, with a smile.

“What kind of music did you listen to growing up?” He asked, moving the conversation onto a lighter topic.

“I grew up on mostly on hip-hop and R&B music and some pop…” She admitted with a chuckle seeming a bit proud of her statement.

“Really?” He looked at her in complete surprise with his eyebrows raised as he grabbed his scotch from the coffee table and starting sipping from it.

“Not a rock and roll child.” She confessed, shaking her head. “I got into pop-punk in middle school and that was the first time I started seeking out new music that my new favorite bands loved, going to shows, and things like that…”

“I would have never thought that.” He chuckled to himself hearing the story Jamison had just told him.

“Band or bands that was the soundtrack to your life in high school?”

“Northstar or The Starting Line.” He smiled thinking back to his high school days and his love for those two bands.

“Good old Kenneth.” Jamison said, smiling to herself thinking about her own experiences and encounters with The Starting Line’s singer.

“I heard he goes by Kenneth now instead of Kenny…” John said, remembering the “news” when Kenneth was starting his side projects.

“I always called him Kenneth, used to be my special way of calling him but that is his name.” Jamison laughed giving a nonchalant shrug.

“Do you keep in touch with everyone you work with?”

“To the extent I can… some friendships of course are stronger than others.” She explained, “I actually talked to Squire today.”

“Did you? How is he?” John asked, thinking back to the man who made their first full-length possible. A wave of memories came washing down about him. It had seemed so long ago.

“He’s well…” She assured him, “He told me to send his regards and wondered how you guys were. All he really remembers is your horrible haircuts and the fact you guys didn’t know what writing a song in 3/4 meant.” She laughed as she was relaying Matt’s message.

“Gosh, we tried to play that shit off…” John laughed, thinking back to the first day they were in pre-production with Matt Squire and trying to play it cool and not look like complete idiots.

“He played it off by pretending to think you knew.”

“Hey the song made it on the album…” John said with a shrug, “I’m surprised we didn’t cross paths…” He looked at Jamison realizing how many mutual friends they had.

“I was with Butch and Neal at the time you guys were making your first full-length...” Jamison said thinking back, “But I do wonder now, what would have it been like if we meet earlier?” She looked at John with an inquiring expression.

“2007-2008 me… you probably would have thought I was the biggest shithead ever.” John said with a laugh thinking back to his adolescent days. He was a lot different then he was now and for the most part he was grateful for that.

“Maybe…” She chuckled at John’s evaluation of himself.

“But it’s made me into the person I am now…”

“It has.” She agreed, as she took a drink

“I never got to ask you…” John suddenly realized, "Beyond what your life is now, what do you hope to accomplish in your life?"

“Personally or professionally?”

“Take your pick…” He smiled at her.

“Hmmm…” She thought, “To not have the people around me go through struggles and hardships because of me…”

“Has it happened before?” He asked, his mouth working faster than his brain the alcohol seemed to be getting to him.

“It probably has… but I guess I am terrified to ever know that if someone I cared about were to struggle because of me, because of something I did to them… so I strive not to do that. I guess that’s not a real aspiration… but it’s mine.” She answered, with a shrug.

“Sounds like a good one to me…” He smiled at her answer, surprised how she answered it completely different than what he had expected. “Proudest moment while producing the last project you worked on?”

“Proudest would be… the entire process. But one thing that does stick to me is when Ryan played me, ‘Ten’ for the first time after telling me the story about his ex-girlfriend’s miscarriage and how he never really talked or acknowledged it out loud, only in his head… he just thanked me for helping him be more honest with himself as a person and musician and that because of me he was able to write the most honest thing to date. That always warms my heart… and singing backup vocals for some tracks on the album.” She smiled as she shrugged at the concluding statement casually.

“Wait, really?!” John looked at her a bit surprised. “What about the whole ‘“I don’t sing… often… or well.’ statement you said not too long ago.”

“I am credited on those liner notes as ‘Producer and Additional Vocals’” She said, in a fabricated proud manner. “And you know those Yellowcard dudes have horrible taste… and I lost a wager.” She admitted sheepishly.

“Look at you.” John smiled, caught off guard by the things he was learning about her. “Will we be seeing Jamison Song on stage anytime in the future?” He half teased but was also a bit serious with his question.

“Never. Seriously. Never.” She said firmly shaking her head, filling her glass with more Jameson.

“Afraid?”

“Terrified.” She admitted, “If it isn’t intoxicated karaoke or me singing in the comforts of the studio or home. I am never going to sing on stage—many have tried and failed to get me to do so. Doing what you do, takes… lots of courage.” She looked at John in admiration.

“You seem so fearless.”

“I am a person with a lot of fears.” She laughed at his judgment on her as she took another shot.

“What are some of your fears? You always seem so together… it’s actually intimidating at times.” John asked, chuckling as he took a shot of his Jameson.

“I am far from together…” She laughed, “I have a fear of heights, clowns, falling down the stairs, and probably a bunch of other irrational fears. I have a fear about falling apart again, a fear of not caring or loving a friend anymore or realizing I never did care or love for a friend, growing apart from people, my career ending… so many things.” She listed off her thoughts to him.

“Do you think it’s possible to just stop caring or loving someone?”

“I don’t know… I think that’s a big fear I have. But I think it’s possible to realize you never loved or care for someone and I think that’s harder than telling someone you love them.”

“You think so?” He said intrigued by her opinion.

“Loving someone is a good thing, how could that be taken in a bad way? Telling someone you don’t love them… who likes hearing bad news? Forming those words are probably harder than saying, ‘I love you’” She explained her thoughts.

“They are…” He thought to himself, thinking back to his own experience.

John thought about that one girl—the one girl back home he had met not too long ago. The one he had probably (unintentionally) hurt. They had met and grown to fond of each other but it seemed obvious that she liked John more than he liked her. They had been in relationship for a few months and it was comfortable but John knew there wasn’t a future for them because he didn’t love her as time went on. He thought he could’ve loved her—he thought time could change that. But it hadn’t and he had ended things. He felt horrible about it cause she was a nice person but she wasn’t the person for him and for some reason that didn’t resonate well for John. He didn’t understand what exactly was missing between them and even till now he was wondering.

He was more upset that he couldn’t feel love but was able to feel and know he wasn’t in love.

“But you talked about wanting the happy ending…” Jamison asked, interrupting John from his thoughts. “What is your happy ending John Cornelius O’Callaghan?”

“The Fifth.” He said, with a smirk.

“What is your happy ending John Cornelius O’Callaghan The Fifth?” Jamison repeated herself adding on the infamous part of his name.

He thought for a moment before answering, what was his happy ending?

“I guess what Brendan has… a wife, an awesome kid or two, my family, good friends, and music in my life… a house to create memories in with my future family, making music and touring, learning and… living.” He answered honestly and passionately.

“Sounds like a good one.” She shook her head giving him a smile for his wholehearted answer.

“What about Jamison Jae In Song? What is your happy ending—even though you don’t believe in them. What would you like in future? Or your wants and desires?” He asked giving her a crooked smile, while watching her think up an answer to the elusive question.

“I wish for a bulletproof soul.” She answered honestly looking at John straight in the eye.

After a few more questions the two decided to call it a night. John half stumbled back into his room—a bit intoxicated but still coherent enough to get himself to bed and reflect on the conversations he had with Jamison for the last few hours. He sat in his bed then looked over at his nightstand to see the journal she had given him. He opened it up a random entry and thought about his answer before he began writing.

Tell me a story or a thought you have.

He thought about Jamison talking about the fear of realizing you didn’t love someone and the emotions it elicited in him. He thought about the time during their writing session at the Monaco’s family cabin when Garrett had come up to a camera and asked him what his hopes were for the album and his answer being, “I hope I find a girlfriend” he did hope he would find one eventually amongst his other members he and Pat were the only ones single and he was more than a bit envious of Garrett, Jared, and Kennedy’s relationships. He kept thinking how for awhile he’s only been able to feel and know that he wasn’t in love instead of being in love. So he began writing…

Will someone just come and take my heart and set it down in front of moving cars? Maybe that'll help me feel something. There are so many things I’d like to feel again, to experience. I want to feel that connection which poets, philosophers, writers, singers, and artists have been talking about since time began... I want to love with my entire soul, and have it not be in vain.

But that's all a gamble… isn't it? But if you think about it-- if you risk nothing, you risk everything…

I do want to say this…

To that future person who I'll give my all to:

I only care about the words that flutter from your mind and the actions you do that's from your heart… and the love you feel when you are with me.

And thank you for giving me back the piece of my heart that I didn’t even realize was missing.

I can now love you whole-heartedly… with entire self.

I know it won’t be in vain.

John stared at what he had written and hoped more than anything—things would happen sooner than later for him. But if he truly was a believer in soul mates and fate like he had told Jamison he knew in time all things would fall in place.