Painting Virgin Skin

‘Sorry babe, busy. I miss you too.’

I stare at the first text Nick has sent me in a week. This is all I get after seven days of silence. Seven words at five am, that's all. I know there is no point in even trying to text him because its three in the morning there and he is sure to be knocked out by now. I know he is running around everywhere so he must be too exhausted to even hear the phone even if I did call. So I put my cell phone on the side of the bed and roll over to lay flat on my back.

I sigh and start biting my cuticles; I wince when I tear the skin too far back and start bleeding. I really have no desire to go over to Ruby’s today. I mean I will have to sit and watch her perfect relationship while my pathetic excuse for one is ending before it really began. I usually love watching how amazing they are together but today, my heart aches too much. I stare at my phone where it lays again, seeing the picture of Nick and I that is my screen saver. He is kissing my cheek while we lean against the railing on top of the empire state building. I feel an angry bubble in me, this was a dumb idea. I knew he was busy starting a career from the start, how could I expect him to have time for something as trivial as our silly little romance. I mean this career is his life. To him it's the only way he can feel like his own kids will never end up in an orphanage without a hope or a dime. This was his way of keeping his demons at bay. I knew all of that from the very beginning and yet I still couldn’t keep my big mouth shut. I still blurted out my feelings for him.

I stay in bed staring at the ceiling, feeling utterly sorry for myself. I block out the noises of the town coming to life and just focus on the small cracks in the paint above me. I should really repaint. My ceiling is all nasty, with cracks and old dirt since I never painted it when I got this place. I am trying to empty my mind of Nick when my phone blares out with his selected ringtone. I jump and knock my phone under the bed. I cannot help but to think to myself, ‘ugh really, I don’t have time for this.’ I curse my klutziness as I lean over the side of the bed and feel under it to search. I reach the phone just before its last ring and I smile as I pick it up.

“Hello,” I say breathlessly into the receiver.

“Oh hey Dixie,” Nick seems surprised to hear my voice, almost like he didn’t expect me to pick up or dialed the wrong number.

“What’s up?” I try and fail to hide the excitement I feel from hearing his voice since my trip to New York.

“I just wanted to say sorry again. It’s just I have six new locations about to open, I just closed those deals, and I have ten more deals on the table.” He yawns and I can tell he is exhausted from all the working he is doing. “I won't be in touch again for a while; I mean that’s the reality of it all. I guess I just wanted to see if you still wanted to do this?” I can hear how sad he is. “I mean I really do have feelings for you and have for a while but I want to be fair to you. It will get harder before it gets easier, I just want to make sure this is what you signed up for.”

I throw my head back against the bed and hit my head on the headboard. I groan and fight back tears. Is this what I want, to be second place until further notice. To never know when he will call, text or see me. To be so unsure of everything that is us. On the other hand, do I want to let go of Nick after I just got him? After everything I had wished for and dreamt of just came true? It may not be exactly like my dreams but he is still Nick and I still love him. I bite my lip and pull at the skin I had already ripped up on my finger with my left hand.

I sigh, “I love you Nick, and even though this is hard and not how I imagined it would be, I still want to try. I have to try.”