Searching for My Soul Mate.

I felt in intense pain everywhere and couldn't breathe. I fell to my knees just as Channing opened the door. He took one horrified glance at me and just knew.

He started going at Jasper, plumbing him. My head started spinning as I saw my parents rush down the stairs. My father went over to Jasper and Channing to break them up, and my mother rushed over to me.

"Rian, what happened?"

"Jasper...Mom...My...My Baby...Please....." I struggled to get out.

My Mom rushed over to the phone and dialed 911.

I passed out. They told me it was thirty seven minutes before the ambulance arrived with the police.

Mom and Channing were by my side the whole time, while Dad was trying to keep Jasper under control.

37 minutes.

Later, I woke up at home Channing, Mom and Dad by my side.

Something was wrong, and everyone was sad. The four and a half month baby bump I had, gone.

I knew every thing from that moment. Tears rushed heavily down my face."What...Happened." I managed to choke out.

By now everyone was crying, even Dad.

Dad spoke up first."He, broke six of your ribs and torn your liver apart."

"And...My baby?" I cried.

"We lost it." My mom finished. My heart sank as I bawled.

She put a hand on my cheek,"You were out for about a week and a half so the doctors said we could take you home to tell you the news."

"What..what was it." I managed to get out.

"He was a boy." My mom said."Lets not dwell on that though, Honey, I know your sad and so are all of us, but I know that one day, you'll try again and be a wonderful mother, be we don't have to dwell on he's death, we need to think of the days when you were a happy glowing soon to be mother."

I knew her words were supposed to help and maybe one day they will, but right now all I could think of was how I wanted Jasper to die, just as my baby had.

"I'm gonna kill him." Channing mumbled through tears."I'm gonna kill him!"

My dad quickly pulled him from the room to talk to him.

"Are you hungry, Honey? I'll Make you some soup."

"What are they doing to him?" Jasper I mean." I said, staring blankly at were Channing was just sitting beside me.

"Well," My mom started."They have all the evidence, there just awaiting the trial."

"When is it?"

"Tomorrow." She said, knowing what was coming next.

"I want to go." I said.

"Sweety, your on bed rest for the next month. You have six broken ribs and a torn liver, you can't go anywhere."

I was shouting now."I want to see him be put away for the rest of his life! I want him to feel what I have to feel everyday for the the rest of his life I want him to rot in that cell thinking about the life he just ended!"

"Honey. I know your upset but--"

"Go, go to the trial tomorrow, I want to know how many years they give him." I said bitterly as my mother looked at me in shock then simply got up and left.

Everyday, for a month I laid in my bed, they'd bring my food, but I'd refuse to eat it. Channing would come over and we'd either sit in silence or have a crying session.

I was completely numb, I didn't want anything to do with anyone.

Finally, a doctor came to remove the cast over the bottom half of my chest. She checked my breathing and gave me a special cream to go over the scar from my liver surgery. I was finally up and moving again, which made me a lot happier, but not as happy as finding out Jasper had 126 years in prison for what he'd done.

Channing and I were still no better, he'd come over and we'd either argue about our baby's plot in the cemetery, we'd cry about the fact we have to bury our baby, and then we'd argue again about what were naming him.

Three days went by after I got the cast off before he came to see me. Three days, I thought for sure he'd be the first one.

He knocked on my bed room door, I was curled up in a ball in my bed under all my blankets as usual.

"Come in, I guess." I said.

He walked in carrying a bag with soup in it from Panera. He sat it down and kissed my cheek.

"Rian, I want to talk to you, with out the yelling and the tears I just want to have a conversation, like we used to."

"We have other stuff to do right now, Channing, It's been almost two months since we put him on the ground and we still haven't named him."

"Look I through a shit load of names at you and you shot them all down, I was willing to hear what you had to say, why can't you do the same?"

"Channing. That baby was growing inside of me for four and a half months before he was stolen from me. You can't even begin to feel what I feel!"

"He was mine too, Rian!" He screamed so loud it scared me."....He was mine too..."

He stormed out, as tears rushed down his face.

"Channing! Wait!" I shouted after him.

"No!" He yelled."I gave you time, so much time, I waited and waited for you to be just and ounce happier and all you did was just get more and more bitchy." He said as he left.

Tears rushed down my face again, I wanted to tell him how sorry I was and that for him I'd be happier, and I'd actually listen to what he had to say from now on, but he was gone.

I couldn't take it any more, I lost my baby, my boyfriend, and my own self respect. I stood up and walked over to my desk and started writing.

I'm sorry I had to do this, I'm sorry it ended up this way. Mom. Thank you for always being there, Dad. I'm sorry I let you down over and over, thanks for being the best father I could ever ask for. Channing, I wish I was better to you, a better friend, a better girl friend, everything, I'm fine with what ever you name our baby, whatever it is, I'm sure it'll be perfect. Thank you for all you've done for me. Your the best boyfriend I could have asked for. I love you guys and I'm sorry it ended this way.
-Rian.



I folded the paper up so that they would see it, and walked into my bathroom, and turned on the shower. I opened the cabinet and took out a bottle of my pain medication and a shaver. I took the shaver and broke the plastic off around it, leaving only the razor. I opened the bottle of pills and swallowed them all and stepped into the shower, fully clothed with the razor and sat down in the corner of the shower. I looked at my clean wrist for a moment and on my right hand cut in straight lines down to my wrist, the shower floor was already covered on blood. My right hand started shaking as I carved 'Sorry' into my left forearm. I felt tears sting my eyes and rush down my face as I started bawling on the shower floor, covered in my blood.