Heartkiller

Chapter Seventeen: Sweet Pandemonium

Afraid, That everything remains unchanged In this fragile dream
Ashamed, of the shattered remains of promises made

Saturday, January 19, 2008 (continued)

The couple was in Ville’s bedroom as they had just finished up packing his belongings to move to her apartment. They had been chatting away for a few minutes while laying on the hardwood floor, but she was getting tired now and wanted to head to bed. She stood up and held out her hands to offer to help him up. He grabbed her hands, and she pulled him up so that he towered over her. She got on her tiptoes to place a few soft kisses on his lips, but Ville held her face close so that he could slip his tongue inside her mouth.

“I thought we’d better start on those kids you mentioned.” he murmured through the kiss, causing her to pull away.

“You’re skipping steps, mister!” she admonished and threateningly waved her index finger at him while she walked out of the room.

He chuckled and followed behind her to the bathroom. She was just about to close the door when he put his foot in the doorway. The two had a lighthearted battle before Ville forced himself inside. She stuck her tongue out at him for overpowering her.

"I was gonna brush my teeth." She explained.

"Not yet." He replied and helped her get onto the bathroom counter.

She sat with her legs dangling off the side, and Ville stood in front of her with his hands cradling the base of her neck. She grabbed his waist and pulled him close so that her head could rest against his chest. She didn't know what he was up to, but she was exhausted. Avery let her body relax in his grasp and attempted to fall asleep. They stayed like that for a while as Ville thought about what he could ask her. He wanted to take advantage of this vulnerable state of mind she was in so that he could pick her brain. The conversation they’d just had was riddled with things she wouldn’t have said had she been more aware; he knew that.

“Do you have any sexual fantasies?” he asked, disturbing the silence.

Immediately, Avery perked her head up and furrowed her eyebrows together. “What?”

“You know what I said. Do you?”

She hid a smile.

“You do, don’t you?” Ville teased.

“No.”

“Yes, you do. Tell me! You never know, I might do it." he coaxed.

“No, I don’t have any.” she said and hid her face in his shoulder.

He let out a staggering laugh and pulled her away. His face lit up with an idea, and he buried his face in the crook of her neck, attacking her skin with gentle kisses. Avery wriggled in his grasp.

“No, no. You cannot do this every time you want something and expect to get your way.” she said exasperatedly.

“Oh, I think I can.” he muttered as he nicked her skin. He tickled her with tender kisses. Her defenses were powerless at this hour, so he was able to get his way easily.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck. Okay, fine.” she conceded. “I’ll tell you.”

“Atta girl.”

“Hmph.” she said and crossed her arms over her chest. “This is not a conversation to have at four o’clock in the morning, you know.”

“But I don’t think I’ll ever get the chance to get inside your head like this again.” he said gleefully.

“If I had a sexual fantasy…”

“which you do.” he finished.

“Fine. I do. I would want you to be a Navy commanding officer in charge of a fleet of sailors. You’d be dressed to the nines in that beautiful white uniform, and you’d come home from a long tour on the seas to me… And I’d… I’d play the role of the housewife who’s been slaving over the chores and resolving our children’s disputes as I wait for the day that you’d come home. When you finally do, we’d exhaust all the pent-up sexual tension that had been brewing while you were away. But really, any uniform would do. It doesn’t even have to be military; the Navy uniform is just crisp and white… which is really attractive.”

“Wow, that’s quite an elaborate story you’ve set up.”

“I guess so… now I’ve said mine. What’s your sexual fantasy?” she said inquisitively.

“Oh, I don’t know. I don’t really have one.”

“What? You’ve got to!”

“Not really. I’m not so concerned with the show as I am with the act itself.”

“Come on, don’t give me that bullshit.” she dismissed. Her body straightened as she woke herself up; she was really interested in his answer. “I know that’s not true after all the ‘shows’ you’ve had me put on for you over Skype... Are you sure you don’t even want me to do the Star Wars one?”

“What Star Wars one?” he asked with an amused smirk playing on his lips.

“It’s with Princess Leia and the gold bikini from Return of the Jedi.”

“Why is that so interesting?”

“Because that’s the point in the movie when she’s no longer just a princess; she becomes a woman. I don’t know, it’s like symbolic, and… she’s hot, I guess. I don’t know what the interest in that is. I’ve heard that to be a popular fantasy.”

“Oh. I suppose that’d be nice.”

“What about a flight attendant? I’m sure you’d want to join the Mile High Club.” she speculated.

Ville smirked and pulled her close to whisper in her ear: “Oh, darling. Been there, done that. I must say that the whole thing is quite overrated.”

Her eyes widened as he pulled away. “What? You have to tell me what happened. Er- well, not the sex part of it all, but the circumstances and… you know what I mean… I hope.”

“A story for another time.” Ville reached for the door. “I’ll let you brush your teeth.”

“This conversation is not over, mister! I’m going to find out what your fantasy is!” she called out.

“You work on that, darling!” he replied.

“Loser.” she muttered under her breath.

Avery took her toothbrush out of the glass tumbler and squeezed some toothpaste onto it. She looked in the mirror and tucked some loose hairs away from her face using her fingers. After brushing her teeth and rinsing, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and left the bathroom. She went down the hallway, which was so quiet that her every step sounded like thunder claps, and joined Ville on his bed. Once she lay down, Ville rolled closer to her and wrapped an arm lazily over her waist. They spooned with Ville’s chin tucked into the crook of her neck so that his mouth was next to her ear.

“Got another question for me, huh?” she asked.

“Mm… I’m not quite sure. I’m thinking of something good to ask you. I feel like I only have so many chances tonight before you close the door on me completely.”

“You can ask me whatever you’d like… when I’m awake tomorrow morning and conscious enough to hold a conversation with you.”

“Why not right now?”

“Hmm?” she asked.

Her eyes were closed, and she was quickly drifting to sleep. Ville’s eyes drooped quite low, and his eyelids felt heavy from the work that they had done today, but he didn’t want to give up. There was a whole world he could explore right now when Avery had lost her inhibitions. He didn’t want to miss the opportunity.

“Why can’t we talk right now?”

“Sleep.” she muttered.

He wasn’t sure if that was a response to his question or if it was a command. Nonetheless, he kissed her forehead and whispered ‘good night.’ He turned off the bedside lamp, and she was already softly snoring. Slumber didn’t hit Ville as quickly as it had Avery, and he stayed awake, pondering on their conversation. He had learned so much about her that he didn’t realize he hadn’t already known. While he was quite aware of her habit to meticulously plan her life, he didn’t think she would have thought that much about their future together. She had always appeared scared of moving too fast in the relationship whereas he was completely at ease with the pace.

Now, it seemed like she was letting him into her heart with evergrowing speed. She had dreams of how the couple would be years from now, and he never expected that from her. Case in point being that she was the one who had had the idea to move in together. She had proposed the idea mere moments after the couple had gotten back together; the old Avery wouldn’t have done that. Perhaps it was the simple fact that she missed him that caused her to make that decision. He sighed. Whether or not she had changed, he still loved her all the same. Ville kissed the tip of her shoulder as a final gesture that he was going to sleep and shut his eyes tightly, letting the deep slumber overtake him.

Around 10 o’clock the next morning, Avery woke up but Ville was still fast asleep by her side with his arm around her waist. His fingers gripped the fabric of her shirt as though he was afraid she’d slip away. Not wanting to wake him, she kept her movement minimal and struggled to reach for her Blackberry on the counter beside her. Grabbing it with the ends of her fingers, she brought it to her face and squinted from the bright light. As part of her morning ritual, she scrolled through her email inbox to see if there was anything of interest. Most were a few work-related things that had come in, but they could wait until Monday to be handled. For now, she simply grazed through each email as she went through her inbox.

Avery scrolled to the next unread message, and when she read the subject line, her eyes widened to the size of dinner plates and she sat up in bed. Thinking her eyes were deceiving her, she rubbed them of the sleep and double-checked what her phone displayed. Unfortunately, it wasn’t an illusion. It was an email from Paige with a link to an article from some Finnish gossip magazine; there was an article about her online. There was an article about them!

Immediately, Avery rolled out of bed, and Ville started to shuffle around from the movement she had caused. She went over to her duffel bag and pulled out her laptop so that she could read the article more clearly. She sat back on the bed and leaned against the headboard while she waited for the computer to boot up.

“Come on, come on.” she said while drumming her fingers across the trackpad.

The screen came to life, and the laptop played a welcome tone as it waited for Avery to type in her password. She did so quickly and groaned as she waited for the computer to allow her to open the browser. It took a few more minutes before she was able to do so, and she went to her inbox to pull up the email again. She clicked the link that Paige had provided, and the full article popped up. “Valo’s new girl? Avery Wentworth, NYC attorney,” read the Finnish title. Not wanting to struggle through the language, Avery had the browser auto-translate to English.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” she whispered.

“What’s wrong?” Ville muttered while still half-asleep.

“There’s an article about me in some Finnish magazine. It’s about us.” she hurriedly explained as she skimmed through the details of the piece.

"Did you Google yourself?” he joked lightheartedly.

“No… not this time. Paige sent me a link this morning… Anyway, you’re not listening, Ville. They know! They know everything!”

Ville sat up calmly as he was not distressed by the news at all. He had had things written about him all the time, and he paid no mind to it. Even now, he didn’t see the reason for her worries; the tabloids were going to put the pieces together at some point. He knew that it was inevitable. In fact, he was sort of relieved that they had found out because he would now be able to answer honestly in interviews when posed the question of what had made him so happy lately.

He sighed and rubbed his sleepy eyes. “What does it say?”

“It says, ‘It looks like Valo’s got a new girl on his arm. She’s an attorney based in New York, although with the blonde hair and blue eyes, she could easily work the model circuit.’”

“See, it’s not that bad. They’re complimenting you…”

Avery glared at him, rolled her eyes, and continued. “‘We first saw them together last June, but we didn’t know anything for certain. We’re happy to report that we have confirmation that the two are exclusive, and there’s buzz that they’ve been together since as early as August of 2006. Wow, where has this lovely duo been? We certainly approve.

“‘Avery Wentworth--what a lovely name!--was spotted running some errands for her dear love yesterday in Helsinki just blocks from Ville’s tower. It seemed innocent enough until we saw the blue scarf she was sporting. It’s a signature piece from Ville’s wardrobe and pretty hard to mistake for being anything else.

“‘They’re running errands for each other, sharing clothes, openly displaying their love for one another…. do we hear wedding bells on the horizon?’ What in the mother of fuck? Oh Lord, and there’s pictures…” she spat, her breath labored and uneven, as she scrolled down the page. “Look at this! This is from when we came back from visiting your parents, and yesterday with the boxes, and... here are some from the top of the tower from a few months ago.”

“Maybe we should put the laptop away. It’s not necessary to read it all.” Ville said and tried to subtly take the computer away from her.

She yanked it back: “No, no, I want to know what they’ve got to say about me. They’re poking around through my business… I’m entitled to my privacy. I don’t understand; I’m not some sort of celebrity.”

“No, but you are dating one.” Ville pointed out.

“Does that mean I have to make my entire life public?” she said and looked at him for an answer.

He’d been put in this position many times before, and after a few tries, he now knew how to approach the situation. Although it seemed like she wanted an honest answer, she just needed some reassurance that her opinions were rational. However, if he openly agreed with her, that would make her suspicious as well. No, answering this question was an art form: he needed to piece together his words ever so carefully.

“A little bit. They’re really fascinated by you… I can’t blame ‘em.” he replied.

“Baby, complimenting me is not going to work right now. I’m just so… so…” she struggled to find an appropriate adjective.

“Livid? So? Look, the article is out there; there’s nothing you can do now. Don’t let it stress you out unnecessarily.” he said and rubbed her arm to console her.

Avery sat and bit her lip while she thought of a solution. He laid back down again and closed his eyes while waiting for her to speak. “Yes, there is something I can do. I can talk to the editor, and--”

Whisking the laptop from her grip, Ville put it on the bedside table next to him. He was somewhat forceful, but the situation required it. Resting his weight on his forearms, he held his torso up to talk to her.

“It’s not worth the trouble, darling. If anything, it’s only going to make it worse. Trust me, just weather through the storm; once they’ve satisfied their curiosity, they’ll move on to the next scandal or whatever. You have to ignore it.” He gently tugged her shoulders to try to get back to sleep. Once she was at his eye level, he kissed her lips. “Come on, let’s just go back to bed.”

“No, I--I’ve gotten up already. I can’t sleep now.” she mumbled with her arms crossed defensively over her chest.

“Are you upset?” he asked with his eyebrows raised.

“Not at you.” she admitted but her tone quickly hardened for her next words. “It’s so disconcerting to think that my pictures are just floating around on the web like that for all to see.” Her voice became lower, almost to a whisper, “...for all to judge. I don’t even want to imagine what your fans are going to think. Ville, what am I gonna do?”

“My fans love me, and since I love you, they will, too. You don't have to worry about that at all.”

Avery giggled; her mood shifted at the unexpected comments. “I don’t think love is transitive like that.”

“I love when you laugh like that. You sound like the beautiful angel that you are.”

She smirked. “You’re still half-asleep, and you’re mumbling nonsense. I’ll let you go back to sleep, and I’ll, um, I don’t know, I’ll go make some food or something.”

“Alright. But don’t do anything--”

“I won’t, I won’t. I believe you that the best way to deal with this is to ignore it. I’m just not very good at that. It's just... Fuck. It's so strange for those things to be out on the Internet like that.”

“I’m sorry you have to go through this, Ave.”

She smiled and bent down to kiss him. “It’s not your fault. I’ll get over it.”

He turned and closed his eyes. Avery waited a few moments before checking to see that he was asleep. When it seemed like he was, she got up and went to the other side of the bed to get her laptop. When she reached over and set her hand on the cold metal of the Macbook, Ville put his hand on top of hers; he opened his left eye to glare at her.

"Don't." He warned.

"I'm not gonna do anything! I have some work things to take care of," she explained with a saccharine smile.

He sighed. "I want to believe you, but..."

"You should believe me."

"Promise?" He asked, extending his pinky finger.

She hesitated. Promise was a very strong word. She had to be sure. She intertwined her pinky with his. "I promise I won't do anything to get this off the airwaves."

"Okay."

He allowed her to take the laptop. Avery kissed his forehead lightly and let him doze off while she got ready for the day; she brushed her teeth and changed out of her pajamas into a pair of sweats and Tee. Then, she regressed down the stairs and settled into a spot by the kitchen counter. She opened the display and changed to a tab with her email. At first, she started going through to address some things that had come up. They could have waited until Monday morning, but she wanted to use the time that she had now that she was awake. There was something about a file that needed to be resent to a client, and she clarified the procedures for this. There was another message about a meeting that needed to be scheduled as well as contact from several potential clients. She took a few minutes to address these things but soon decided to make breakfast at the sound of her stomach grumbling.

Avery stood up and went to the refrigerator, but when she opened it, she only found half a carton of eggs. Without many options, she settled with scrambled eggs; she took a pan out of the cabinets and prepared it by spreading cooking spray on the surface. While she waited for the pan to heat up, she cracked the eggs into a separate bowl and beat them together to blend them well. She poured the mixture onto the pan, causing a sizzling sound to escape as the eggs hit the surface. While they cooked, she started the coffee machine, carefully measuring out the coffee powder and water. When the eggs were ready, she flipped the batch over to let the other side cook. Within minutes, the scrambled eggs were done, and she took a plate out of the cabinet to serve a helping for herself. After grabbing a fork, she settled back in front of her laptop with the food.

She was ravenous, and she took a bite of the food, relaxing into her seat. While she ate, she decided to pull up the American news websites to keep herself informed, but she paused. The article about her was still lingering in the back of her mind. She wondered. What did the fans think? What did people write about the couple? About Avery? The tab with the article was still open, and she decided to take a peek at the comment thread. Since it was a Finnish article, she had to rely on Google's spotty translation, which had a tendency to miss the vernacular that dappled the comments. Avery read them nonetheless.

“Attorney? Guess Valo boy is tired of those airheads, huh? Let's hope this one doesn't leave him with a perforated eardrum like Jonna did.”

“Aw, she seems nice. She'd do him some good.”

“Hot and smart. Bet the sex is great.“

“Pretty, but not very skinny. No way could she be a model.”

Perhaps she should have been more offended by that comment, but she wasn't. She scrolled through and skimmed the numerous praises, mostly of ‘handsome Ville.’ It was kind of endearing to read the unwavering support that his fans had for him, and she wondered if he had ever seen this side of things. People expressed their love during meet & greets, sure, but this was a different level of commitment and certainly not something with which Ville identified after growing up in a decade without the internet or a similar means of global communication. Back in his day, the only connection he would have had to other fans of the 80s bands is at concerts and the like. Avery continued down the comments thread, but, almost near the end of the page, she stopped cold at a comment with two words, and the smile faded. The two words completely crumbled her, and she couldn't believe someone could be so hurtful.

“Beached whale. *yawn*”

Beached. Whale. Beached whale? She read the comment over and over, and it only stung even more. Setting her plate down on the counter, she looked down at her body and hugged her tummy to attempt to hide away her stomach. Did she really look like a beached whale? She definitely hadn't had the chance to work out the past few weeks, and she had been stress-eating because of the breakup. It was possible that she gained some weight, but it couldn’t have been much. It certainly didn't warrant that comment. She was still a size three, and her belly was rather toned. Her gaze shifted back to the laptop screen to stare at the words. In the meantime, Ville came down the stairs and yawned while running his fingers through his hair at the back of his head.

"Morning, love." He greeted.

Avery, distracted by the article, perked up to the sound of his voice. "Huh? Oh, hey. Good morning."

"What are you up to?" He asked.

"Just... trying to answer some work emails." She lied.

He narrowed his gaze, knowing she was fibbing. "Wanna try that again, Avery?"

She sighed. "I, um, I was going through the comments section of that article about us."

"You said you won’t do anything! I was only half-awake, but I know that you promised. It’s for your own good." He noted.

"No, I promised I won't do anything to get it off. I never said I wouldn't look at the comments. I was careful with my words."

He rolled his eyes at her attempt to justify herself but quickly dismissed it. "Well, what do they say?"

Without waiting for an answer, Ville sat on the kitchen counter beside her and pulled the laptop onto his legs. She tried to interrupt and pull it away, but it was too late. She could see his eyes scanning the page, and he smirked now and then. Avery rested her cheek against her palm, propped up by her elbow, and waited for him to say something. Finally, he stopped short at some point on the page and stared. She presumed that he had encountered the comment that had been troubling her. It was amazing how those two simple words could sting the heart of even the most confident woman. It had reduced her to nothing but a speck of a human being. Ville's jaw visibly tightened at the sight of the words, and he forgot all of the good things that had been said, focusing on the sole comment.

"Why are you reading this shit?" he said, straining to keep his voice level.

"Curiosity, I guess." She admitted softly as she stood up. “I’ll make you a cup of coffee. Scrambled eggs are ready on the stove.”

She changed the subject for obvious reasons, but his mind stayed on the topic. Avery went to the kitchen and poured some black coffee into a mug. Ville kept his gaze on her and tried to study her movements in an attempt to evaluate her emotional state. The comment was hurtful and unwarranted. He had been in this situation before when Jonna had seen the articles written about her. At that point, the articles weren’t online with commentary, but the words in the magazines were bad enough. They wrote vicious things about her and attacked every little thing she had done, although everything had been blown out of proportion. They had made her out to seem like some sort of monster when, in fact, she was a decent person. She made mistakes and the couple was never meant to be, but that wasn’t anybody else’s business. Jonna had broken down completely when she had seen those articles; it exacerbated the situation and increased the tension in the relationship. How was Avery going to react to these words?

He probed, “What do you think?”

“About what? The comments?” she stated the plural, but she knew exactly which comment Ville was wondering about.

“Mhmm.”

Avery shrugged. “I don’t know. I think it’s weird to make judgments about someone you hardly know.”

“So what they said doesn’t bother you?”

Careful not to get caught in another lie, she settled with a half-truth that provided some insight but didn’t paint the complete picture: “I can’t let some anonymous low-life from behind a screen get me down, now can I?”

Ville set the laptop down on the counter beside him before he took the mug of coffee she offered. “I suppose you can’t.”

She gave a small smile of reassurance and gently pat his leg to get his attention. “Alright, I’m gonna go for a walk and get some fresh air.”

“I’ll come with you.” he started and hopped off the counter. He was nowhere near ready, as usual, but he was ever-prepared to accompany her through the foreign city.

“No, you shouldn’t. I-I’m going to the pharmacy… for girl things.”

“That’s alright; I can still keep you company.” he started to gulp down his coffee quickly so that he wouldn’t keep her waiting.

“I’m getting tampons, Ville.” she deadpanned, knowing that was the only way to make him stay.

He stopped mid-sip and awkwardly said, “Or… maybe it’s best if you go by yourself.”

She stuck her tongue out at him. “Told you so.”

Avery just needed an excuse to get out of the house and clear her head. She needed some time to mull over the words she’d read. She needed to think about the possibility of such people existing in the world who would take time out of their day to write such spiteful things about a complete stranger. It was unfathomable. It didn’t make sense to her, and she wanted to let the feeling sink in.

She went to the front doorway, and, since she hadn’t showered yet, she threw on a hoodie that hung on the coat rack to cover her appearance a bit as well as to ward against the cold. Her hair was pulled into a tight ponytail, and she was wearing the sweats and T-shirt that she had changed into earlier. She doublechecked her pockets to make sure she had her keys and wallet, while Ville readied for a kiss goodbye by puckering his lips. She didn’t seem to notice, though, and, when he didn’t receive the expected response, he opened his eyes to see her hand on the door.

“You’re not going to leave me hanging, are you?” he asked.

“Hmm?” she faced him and noticed him waiting. “Oh, sorry.”

They walked towards each other. She gave him a quick kiss, and he paused, looking at her suspiciously. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I just… I have a lot on my mind. That’s all.”

“Are you lying?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

“Promise?”

“Are we really going to do this?” she plastered a smile on her face and pecked his lips. “I’m fine, baby, I’m fine. Go eat your eggs, and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“Bye, then.”

“Bye. See you in a bit.” she said as she closed the front door behind her.

It took a moment before she would allow herself to take any steps toward the black-iron gate that separated the tower from the public. Her icy blue eyes peered out from underneath her hoodie as she scoped the area, wary of any photographers that were hiding around the bushes. When she was sure that there was nobody around, she took a few cautious steps along the brick path toward the door as she was ready to run back inside at the first sight of a camera flash. Once she was halfway down the path, she started to speed up. Her hand was on the gate when she heard a shrill tone that scared her and caused her to jump out of her skin. It took a moment before she realized that it was her cellphone, and she mentally slapped her forehead at her foolishness. She quickly fished her phone out of her pocket and answered it.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Paige.” came the reply.

“Oh, hey.”

“Did you see the email I sent you?”

Her hand travelled down the gate to the handle, and she opened the door to make her way onto the sidewalk. She exhaled, “Yeah… Yeah, I saw the article.”

“And how are you doing?” she asked tentatively.

“I, uh, I was flustered at first. It was completely weird and awkward and just nerve-wracking altogether. But Ville convinced me that there wasn’t really anything I could do but wait it out, so I guess that’s all I’m going to do.” Avery replied as she walked down the street.

“Ville was able to convince you that you shouldn’t do anything?”

She smiled. “Well, he tried to convince me, I should say. I feel like I’m sitting here with my hands tied behind my back or something because I’m just so helpless. He does know more about this kind of situation, though, so I believe him. I don’t--I don’t want to make it worse.”

“That sounds more like you.”

“Yeah… Actually, the article itself was fine, but I did a really stupid thing and scrolled down the comments section. Most of it was okay; people were saying nice things or, I don’t know, generally positive things, I guess. There was one comment, though, that I… it really got to me, and I’m having trouble wrapping my brain around the idea that someone could be so mean. I don’t know how to deal with it.”

“What did the comment say?”

“I… I don’t even have the heart to repeat it, Paige. It was just absolutely uncalled for, and I know that I shouldn’t care because it’s just somebody talking from behind a screen, but… it sucks. It really sucks to read something like that written about yourself.”

“What did Ville have to say about it?”

“He got angry, I could see. He tried to suppress it so that he could ask me how I felt about it, but I could tell that he was upset. I told him that I basically didn’t care and that I wouldn’t let it bother me.”

“But it does bother you.” she pointed out.

Avery didn’t answer right away as she thought about how to express herself. She tried to justify in her head that it was okay, but there was obviously a reason she was outside in the freezing temperatures instead of being cuddled up next to her boyfriend.

“Yeah, it does.” she replied.

“Then why did you tell him that?”

“Because I-- I didn’t want him to know. He thinks that I’m this strong woman with an impenetrable armor, and I like that.”

“You are a strong woman, but it’s okay for things to get to you. You don’t have to shut him out for fear of changing his perception of you. And besides, that man, he’s clearly head over heels in love with you. I’m sure that wouldn’t change should he find out that you are, in fact, a human being with emotions and that sometimes you get hurt.”

“It’s more than that, Paige.” Avery said shortly, hoping she would let the conversation go and move on.

“What is it?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Avery.”

She sighed. “It’s just that, well, we spend so little time actually physically together. So much of our relationship is spent connecting on the phone or over Skype or something, and I just want whatever time we do have together to be spent in good spirits. What’s the point if he’s just consoling me the whole time? I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself.”

“Do you realize how ridiculous you sound? He’s your boyfriend. He cares, and I’m sure he wants to know how you’re really feeling. I know that he would want to make you feel better. Would you want him to cover up his emotions like you are? Wouldn’t you want him to tell you if something was wrong?”

“Of course I would!”

“Then? Why don’t you want to do the same?”

“That’s different, Paige.”

“How is that different?”

“Because I can help him feel better. I know that I can handle whatever he throws at me. In his case though, he… I don’t know, he’s so exhausted and drained when he’s on the road, I want things to be positive when he gets home. It’s not that I don’t think he’s capable of taking care of me; it’s just that… I don’t want him to have to do that.”

“You say you’re a big girl and that you can handle it. He’s a big boy. What are you so scared of?”

“I--Just… just let it go, Paige.” she said exasperatedly.

“I’m trying to help you.” she reasoned. After waiting a few moments and realizing that Avery didn’t have an answer, she continued, “Tell me. What are you so scared of? Do you think you’re going to overwhelm him or something? Because he’s a grown adult, and it’s not fair to him to be so emotionally distant. I don’t understand why you would want to do that--”

“I don’t.” She couldn’t help but interrupt. Avery’s fingers flew to her lips as she attempted to catch the words before they left her mouth, but it was of no use. “I don’t--I don’t want to be emotionally distant from him. I have to be.”

“Why do you have to be?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Try me.”

She stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and exhaled deeply. She needed to explain herself. She needed to regain her sanity. “The first time I met with Ville’s parents, I talked to his mother in private, and she... she told me some things about Ville. How he was in this really dark place and that he was being really irrational about his drinking habits. How he was depressed. She told me that she--” her breath caught in her throat, and she swallowed hard. “She thought she lost her son forever. It wasn’t until he met me, it seems, that he gained any motivation to get better. I just… I don’t know what made him get that way the first time. I don’t know what made him so depressed and so… broken. The fact is, though, that it doesn’t matter. I don’t care what got him there, I just need to make sure that I never cause that. I never want him to blame himself for my troubles. I don’t want to be the cause of such pain--I just want to protect him from it all.”

“I don’t understand. What makes you think that Ville is okay with all this? Don’t you ever need to ask him for help or… or vent to him like about stuff, like this comment thing? These are minor things, and I’m certain that they’re not going to cause him to do anything rash.”

“Yeah, you’re right: they are minor things. They’re things that I can handle by myself. I don’t need help from anyone.”

“You’ve always been independent, I know, but you don’t even want help from your own boyfriend?”

“No… no, I like the way things are. I have the control, and I don’t want to fuck it up.”

Paige groaned and muttered, “You’re so stubborn.”

She smiled. “I know.”

“Do you not tell him anything then? Or are you censoring yourself completely?”

“What’s with the third degree, Paige? You’re grilling me so badly right now.” she said with an awkward giggle to release the tension.

“I’m just trying to understand your twisted logic.”

“Well, I do tell him things. If there’s something from work that’s bringing me down, I’ll tell him. I do vent to him, if that’s what you’re asking. I’m not like creating this false illusion that everything is always perfect because it obviously isn’t, but I… I watch what I say. I watch what I tell him. And sometimes, in the heat of the moment, I’ll say things that I don’t mean, like with the whole breakup thing. I’m not like some robot who can control my heart, so… sometimes I overreact and stuff. With this particular situation, I don’t want him to blame himself. It is his fame that’s gotten us in this position, so if I show him that something hurts, I don’t want him to think that I hate him. I don’t want him to hate himself. You act like I’m treating him like a child or something, hahha.”

“Not like a child, but certainly not like a boyfriend either…” she trailed off.

“Trust me, I’ve got it under control.”

“I hope so... Be careful because it may seem like you’ve worked out all the angles in this situation, but your emotions are involved. It’s not some court case. It’s much more complicated, and things can get messy fast.”

“Understood, ma’am,” she mocked with a laugh.

“Alright, I’ll let you go. You be safe, and take care of yourself. Don’t let that comment bother you. It’s written by some stupid idiot, anyway.”

She chuckled. “Okay, I’ll keep that in mind. Bye.”

“Bye.”