The Day You Fell Apart

I don’t even really remember what happened just then. Everything seemed like it was kind of a huge blur. I couldn’t remember seeing Jonah’s face as I got up from the kitchen table abruptly, ran out of his house and to my car. I couldn’t recall even getting into my car and driving away. All I did recollect was that I ran away, just like I always do.

Right when I got home, I ran upstairs and fell down on my bed, grabbed my pillow and stuffed my head into it. I don’t know why I ran away from him. After he kissed me, and after he told me what I already did know, that I had a thing for him, I just ran. I didn’t want him to know that I liked him. I have since the first time I saw him, but I never really knew it until that one stupid kiss. As much as I yelled at Jonah, or despised him, I knew deep inside that I actually wanted to be like him. No one knew anything about him, everyone knew everything about me. He wasn’t carrying a heavy heart, and my heart was already on the fucking floor. Everything was so screwed up and I just screwed it up even more.

But I knew it had to be done. I haven’t known what it was like to feel the way I do since Evan, and it was just weird, and scary. I didn’t want to feel that way. I felt guilty for feeling that way. I told Evan that I was going to care for him and only him forever. And I know that that’s a silly thing to say when you’re only sixteen years old, but I had meant it. He would hold my face with his hands, just like Jonah had done, and he would tell me how much I meant to him. Evan would tell me that he wouldn’t love anyone else. And I had said that same thing back.

Evan was supposed to be mine forever, but he left. And it was my fault.

I quickly threw my pillow on top of my face and screamed as loud as I could into it. I don’t know how long I was screaming, but all I knew was that when I was finished, my throat hurt and all I wanted to do was cry, but I didn't. I probably looked like a pathetic little teenage girl, but I couldn’t help it. I basically am a pathetic little teenage girl.

Suddenly, my cell phone on my nightstand buzzed. I reached my hand over and saw that Dee was calling.

“Hello?” I asked into the phone. My voice was a little hoarse from screaming, but I don’t really think Dee noticed.

“Hey, Jill!” Dee replied.

Have you ever been in such a shitty mood, and then someone who was in a complete happy mood started talking to you and you just wanted to punch them in the face for being so happy? Yeah, that’s how I felt just then. But I couldn’t really blame Dee. She was pretty much always happy.

“What’s up?” I asked while finally regaining my composure so that I could talk normal without sounding like I had just been screaming my head off.

“Guess where I am taking you tonight,” Dee remarked.

“Let me guess, a party?” I asked. Dee laughed on the other line.

“Sort of,” She replied. “You know how Phil Henderson’s family owns like half of Hichita Lake and the land around it?”

“Yes?”

“Well, I guess his parents are out of town and he’s throwing a big bonfire there tonight,” Dee replied.

“Does Phil know Jonah?” I asked out of the blue.

“Um, probably. Phil is friends with Brad and Seth, and a lot of people know who Jonah is. Why?” Dee asked.

“Dee, I have a lot to tell you.”

Dee linked her arm with mine after we got out of her car and started walking past Phil’s house towards the lake. Phil’s family was probably the richest family in town, and he basically had his own freedom to half of the whole place. It was kind of cool though, that he was having a party here. Dee convinced me to go; telling me that maybe it’d be a good thing to see Jonah, to apologize. I had to admit, she was kind of right. I just left Jonah so abruptly, and I really needed to apologize for being so rude. I didn’t even say ‘excuse me’ or ‘goodbye’ or anything. And I know if he did the same thing to me, I’d be livid and I'd feel embarrassed and let down.

All I need to do is just say I’m sorry, and tell him that I’m not interested. I mean, it won’t be that hard, right? I knew I’d be lying to him, but I couldn’t get involved with him. He is basically everything that I don’t want. He drinks. He smokes. He’s dangerous. And he’s not Evan.

It was getting pretty dark and I was immediately regretting not bringing a jacket. I was wearing a loose thin white shirt, some jeans and boots. My hair was down and blowing in my face and my lips were chapped from the dry air. I probably didn’t look my best, but whatever.

As we came closer and closer, I realized that a lot of people were gathered around. A huge bonfire was in flames and some people were sitting on the dock, talking, and others were playing music. And for some ironic reason, the same stoned guy I saw at the senior ditch day party was jamming on the bongos. I let out a small laugh and turned towards Dee who just smiled at me and nudged me.

We both sat down and stroke up a conversation with a couple other people I knew from my school and I was actually having somewhat of a good time, until I saw Jonah. He walked into view with a couple of guys with him. He had a beer in his hand and once he saw me, he immediately frowned. I shot him an apologetic look, but he obviously didn’t understand it, because he just turned his back on me and started talking to his friends.

And that’s how most of my night went. I just sat down on the sand and watched Jonah get drunk and talk to girls. It was making me furious. I wanted to come up and talk to him, but he kept sending daggers in my direction with his glares. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry for being so stupid. But now I felt even more stupid because here I was, sitting here, clearly watching him as he flirted with girls. But what made me even angrier was the fact that a certain girl had walked up and started talking to him. A girl that I seriously wanted to pick up and throw into the lake.

Katie.

She just smiled and touched his arm playfully while he grinned and took another swig of his beer. He looked like he could barely stand and I just rolled my eyes and shot a pleading look towards Dee. She didn’t really notice though, because she was kind of too busy making out with Brad.

Amazing.

I just grunted and got up to walk back to Dee’s car. I don’t even want to deal with this anymore. I’d rather sit in her car and pout in there than do it openly in front of everyone.

I started making my way away from the people, but was stopped by someone grabbing my arm. I turned around to see Jonah. His eyes looked a little glazed over, and I was guessing he wasn’t just drunk.

“I know you’ve been watching me all night,” He stated.

“And I know that you’ve been purposely flirting with girls in front of me,” I replied.

“Well what else am I supposed to do when I kiss a girl, and she just looks at me in shock and runs away?” He asked.

“I don’t know,” I replied and bit my lip. I glanced up at him and a wave of disappointed etched across his beautiful face. I winced and looked back down to avoid making any eye contact with him. “Just go back to Katie. I’m sure you two will be an awesome couple.”

“Oh please, you know you don’t mean that,” Jonah replied.

“I do, Jonah."

“You’re telling me that you don’t care for me at all? I’m just like any other guy to you?” Jonah asked. I looked down at my feet and nodded my head slowly. I knew I was lying. And it sucked. “I don’t believe you.” He added.

“Jonah, not every girl wants you,” I whispered. I finally looked up as Jonah just took another sip of his beer and scrunched up his face a little as it made its way down his throat.. If he continued to keep drinking like this, who knows what state he’ll be in by the end of the night. I hate drinking. I hate alcohol. I hate parties. I honestly have no idea why I am here. Talking to Jonah is just making everything ten times worse.

Jonah was just about to say something back before Katie came into view. She walked up behind Jonah and waved at me enthusiastically. I practically rolled my eyes to the back of my head as she greeted both of us.

“Hi guys!” She exclaimed. Jonah smiled, reached out and rested an arm around her shoulder. I cringed and looked down at my feet while she just laughed and leaned in towards him. It seriously felt like déjà vu.
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I slowly lollygagged down the hallways of my school. I had gotten a pass to go to the bathroom, but I honestly really wasn’t going to the bathroom. I just wanted a reason to get out of Algebra 2. I hated Math.

I traced my fingers against the lockers while turning corners of the hallways aimlessly to just walk into another empty hallway again. Except when I turned the corner this time, the hallway wasn’t empty. I saw two people. And those two people were Katie and my boyfriend. She was leaning towards him while touching his shoulder and they were both deep in conversation. Their faces seemed too close together for what could be a friendly conversation.

I felt my stomach drop as I saw them, and I didn’t know what else to do besides clear my throat awkwardly. Once I did, they both looked up at me and Evan’s eyes widened.

“Um, I have to go,” Katie mumbled before walking down the hallway and into a classroom.

“Jill, that really wasn’t what it looked like,” Evan said quickly.

I just tried my best to fake a smile, which was extremely hard, and reached over to grab Evan’s hand.

“I know,” I replied and rested my arms around his neck. “Don't worry. I trust you.”
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“I didn’t know you knew Jonah, Jill!” Katie stated.

“Yeah, I do,” I replied bitterly. Katie, being the dumbest person alive, didn’t catch on towards my coldness and just stood there smiling.

“Well, I’ll just be back there. See you guys!” She remarked. “And Jill, we really need to catch up. I’ve missed you.”

With that, Katie walked back towards the people and I felt small tears well in my eyes, but I held them back as strongly as I could.

I hated everything about that girl. Her fakeness was at the top of the list.

I looked back up at Jonah as he rested one of his hands on his forehead.

“Jill, you don’t understand,” He mumbled.

“I really need to go,” I replied. Jonah grabbed my wrist again and almost stumbled over. I just grunted at how drunk he was.

“Please don’t,” Jonah remarked. “Jill, w-why are you running away from me? From this?” He asked.

“Jonah, I’m not running away from anything. I just don’t like you in that way, now please, just go back to the party. Go back to Katie. Please.”

Jonah, obviously not believing my pleas for him to go, grabbed my face and kissed me again. Just like he did at his house. But this time I didn’t allow myself to kiss him back, I just pulled away and shook my head. Jonah rested his forehead against mine and I just bit my lip to the point where it was almost bleeding.

Why had a guy I met basically two weeks ago make me feel so incredibly confused and sad? Why was he having this much of an influence on me?

“Jill,” Jonah began, but before he could finish, he slouched over and threw up.