The New Face of Failure

You're not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you've met, she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other. – Good Will Hunting

Harper stared at herself in her full length mirror on the inside of her door. She kept tugging on the tank top that she was wearing courtesy of Akemi. Although she disagreed with Harper going to the concert, she wanted her to at least look good. The black tank top hung loosely over her body and barely covered her midsection. She had seen this look in the Forever 21 stores and American Eagle, but never imagined it on her. Akemi was the one to dress more daring and show more skin.

“Harper, what do you see in that guy? He isn’t THAT cute,” Akemi said to her on Wednesday when she came over to Harper’s dorm room so that they could hang out. They ended up hooking Harper’s laptop up to the TV so they could watch the first season of Nashville again. It wasn’t one of Harper’s typical shows, but her guilty pleasure. They were both painting their toenails, commenting on the unfortunate situation the main character, Rayna James, was in, when Harper decided to bring up Patrick and his band’s concert Friday.

“Well, he’s no Channing Tatum, but I think he’s really cute,” Harper said in a low voice. She didn’t know why she should feel embarrassed for liking him, but she always wanted Akemi to approve of what she was doing for some reason.

“I guess for your type he would be,” Akemi conceded. “But a concert? And a rock concert? I mean, Harper, I can’t get you to go to a frat party.”

“But it’s different. I mean, I don’t have to really talk to anyone at a concert because the music is too loud you know? And Patrick will be performing most of the time with his band.”

Akemi rolled her eyes. “I bet they really suck,” she said. “He probably has one of those nasally high-pitched male voices that sound like nails on a chalkboard.”

Harper was starting to get angry at Akemi for making fun of Patrick. “I actually heard his voice on a demo he gave me and he doesn’t sound like that at all. He sounds really good.”

“It’s just… Harper, if you want to get into DZ, you really have to choose your boyfriends more wisely.”

Harper was put off by this. “I never said he was my boyfriend.” I also never said I wanted to get into that stupid sorority either, she thought to herself resentfully.

Akemi sighed. “I know you didn’t, but let’s face it. He’s thinking about it. Harper, he wouldn’t be texting you so much if he wasn’t. I mean, if not to be your boyfriend, at least to screw around with you.”
That brought Harper back to the conversation she overheard two days ago between Patrick and his friend Pete. She swore he was talking about having sex with her, or at least she was kind of hoping it was her he was talking about. Not that she was ready to have sex yet, she only kissed two guys in her whole life, but it made her feel good to know he was at least thinking about it. It also scared her too. She only knew him for a week. What if he was only trying to get with her for sex? She couldn’t imagine that he would be like that, especially because she was positive that she heard him talking about losing his own virginity, but then again, he could be on the hunt for that one girl to get it out of his system. She had seen some of her guy friends in high school have sex with girls they weren’t remotely interested in just so that they could say they’d had sex. Was that Patrick’s plan?

“I don’t know what he wants from me,” Harper said to Akemi. She blew on her toenails.

“Of course you don’t. You don’t know the first thing about guys. That’s why I’m going to help you.” Akemi stood up and walked over to Harper’s closet. “We are going to make sure you look good for this concert.”

Harper watched her helplessly as she started going through her wardrobe. “I was just going to wear a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.”

Akemi flicked her long black hair off her shoulders and laughed. “Harper, how is that going to make Patrick want you? You have to be sexy, not look like a tomboy.” She dug through her closet, pulling out a few shirts and staring at them disapprovingly. “God, Harper, you have the nerdiest closet ever. How many Doctor Who shirts do you have?”

Harper hung her feet over the side of her bed, swaying them to help the polish dry. “I don’t know I lost count after ten,” she joked.

“Right, okay, let’s go over to my room and find you a shirt to wear. Something that shows a little skin and is kind of punk rock.”

“You have something like that? I’m seriously doubting that you do,” Harper remarked. Akemi wore glitter and short skirts to parties, not leather and faded denim with holes in it.

“Okay, maybe not like 100% punk rock, but at least it will be black and isn’t that close enough?”

So, now she stood in front of her mirror, seriously reconsidering the tank top that Akemi had given her. She had paired it with a pair of dark skinny jeans and metallic sandals that she only wore with her summer dresses for special events.

“Okay, let’s get your makeup on,” Akemi said as she came into Harper’s dorm room from the bathroom. She stopped in her tracks when she saw Harper. “Whoa, hot mama! You’re going to make that poor little emo boy cry.”

Harper rolled her eyes. “Okay, he’s not emo.”

“He plays music and dresses in skinny jeans. He’s kind of emo,” Akemi said in a flat tone. She grabbed Harper’s hand and pulled her out of her room and into the bathroom. She made her sit down on the toilet and started to apply some foundation.

They both started at the sound of the lock turning on the main door. Cassidy walked in, jabbering on the phone to Derrick.

“Of course, honey, I’ll be over there soon…. No Derrick, I do not want to have pizza, I’m on a very strict diet,” she stopped outside of the bathroom door and stared at Akemi and Harper. “Let me call you back babe.” She hung up and smiled. “Hello there, Akemi right?”

Harper looked at Akemi and Cassidy exchange a pair of fake smiles. Even though Harper was sure both of them thought that the other was a bitch, in reality Harper was beginning to think they were more alike than they cared to let on. “Hi, Cassidy, how are you?” Akemi gushed, her voice raising an octave. Harper knew from that that she was faking her excitement.

Cassidy looked past her to Harper. “Harper, are you wearing a midriff?” She walked into the bathroom. “And did you use a curling iron?”

Harper pointed to Akemi. “It’s all her. I just sat here.”

Cassidy was grinning. “For a nerd, you’re pretty hot when you want to be. What’s going on?”

“She has a date with that guy Patrick down the hall,” Akemi explained.

Cassidy looked at her distastefully. “Really? Harper! I told you that if you were looking for a guy, I’d hook you up with a friend of Derrick’s. They are way hotter, not as weird and are older.” She winked at her.

Harper groaned, moving her eyelashes a bit and Akemi slapped her on the shoulder. “Hey do you want mascara everywhere!?”

“Sorry,” Harper mumbled. “It’s not a date Cassidy. He just invited me to watch his band play. He’s going to be busy most of the time. “

Cassidy raised her eyebrow in apprehension. “And what are you doing afterward?”

Harper actually didn’t know that answer. Patrick told her to meet him at the Electric Factory around seven. He didn’t say if they were doing anything after the concert. She figured they would stay and watch Yellowcard. “I don’t know.”

“Well, if he wants to take you anywhere, you text us okay?” Cassidy said, pointing to herself and Akemi. Akemi nodded. “Let us know where you are going to be so if we have to come kick his ass, we will be there.”

Harper was surprised that Cassidy was offering to be her back up. “Um, thanks, I think. But Patrick isn’t like that. He’s really a good guy.”

“And you know that after one week?” Cassidy asked her.

“That’s what I told her,” Akemi said. “There, all finished.”

Harper stood up and walked over to the bathroom mirror. She couldn’t believe she was the same person that she was a few minutes before. Her cheekbones were perfectly accentuated with a light blush, her eyes lined with a thick kohl black that complemented the smoky eye shadow that Akemi had brushed over her eyelids. It was a very different look from her normal every day look. “Wow, thanks Akemi.”

“I know, I’m a genius,” she said smugly, patting Harper on the back. “What do you think?” she asked Cassidy.

Cassidy was just smirking. “That poor guy won’t be able to keep it in his pants.”

Harper sunk her head down into her shoulders in embarrassment.

“Shh, don’t talk about such things with Harper, her virgin ears can’t handle it,” Akemi teased.

Cassidy laughed. “You’re a virgin still?”

“Thanks Akemi,” Harper muttered. “Yeah, I am.”

“Holy shit, well no wonder this boy is all over you. He can sense your virginity from a mile away,” Cassidy exclaimed. “And guys love to deflower such a beautifully naïve girl like yourself.”

Harper could feel herself start to get annoyed with the conversation. She felt like it was the second time she was called naïve in two days. She may not have been with a boy before, but she really didn’t feel like she didn’t know what to expect. She had written enough love scenes in her stories and had done enough research to know what to expect. “I don’t think he can sense my virginity.”

“Well, if he can’t, he’s as clueless as you are,” Cassidy conceded. “So what are you going to do, date this guy now?”

“I don’t know, we’re just talking, that’s all. We have a lot in common,” she replied. She wanted to add that he was very easy to talk to and didn’t judge her, but she held her tongue.

“But he just seems so… so you’re not thinking about getting really serious with him right now, right?” Cassidy asked her.

“Um…”

“Good, because I’m going to talk to Derrick about getting us on a double date with one of his friends.”
Akemi smiled. “That is a great idea.” She gave Harper an encouraging smile.

“Wait, I don’t know if I want to date anybody! I mean, we’ve only been here a week! For all I know, the love of my life is three weeks away from meeting me!”

“Oh Harper, this isn’t one of your stories,” Akemi sighed. “This is real life and sometimes you got to try a few losers before you find the one.”

Harper was a little miffed at Akemi because she didn’t even know what kind of stories Harper wrote.

“Plus, you don’t want your first time with someone you actually like. They’ll think you suck and dump you,” Cassidy added. “So this Patrick guy may be perfect to help you just get it out of your system.”

But I think I do actually like him, she thought, her brow furrowing with worry. She stared at the girl in the mirror, who looked like she’d be a confident, sexy go-getting woman. However, on the inside she knew that she was just a frightened little girl.

Thirty minutes later, she was standing outside of a brick building that you would have sworn was abandoned if it wasn’t for all of the cars parked around it and people lined up to get in. Patrick had told her to go straight toward the rear of the building where there was a large chain link gate that separated the concert goers from the back lot area. Hesitantly, she walked up to it and there was a man with bulging biceps and a high and tight haircut. As soon as she approached, he puffed out his chest.

“Hey, hey, what’s going on,” he said in a deep surly voice. He was frowning at her in an intimidating way that made Harper nervous.

“Um, hi, I’m supposed to meet, um, Patrick Stump here? He told me to come here and tell you I was coming.”

The man unfolded his arms. “What’s your name?”

“Harper Williams?” she said in a small voice.

He just nodded and then opened up the gate. “Okay, take the door on your left inside and the make the first right down a small hallway. That’s where their dressing room is.”

“Oh, um, thanks,” she said, walking past him and through the open gate. Every inch of her body wanted her to turn around and hide in her dorm room, under her covers with her laptop. Since school started, she was only able to work on her story very minimally between homework and texting Patrick. But more than that, she was terrified about meeting Patrick somewhere outside of school. There was something about being with him off campus that made her feel less secure.

She walked up the steps to the door on the side of the building and her eyes caught a glimpse of two tour buses right behind the building. She knew that they must have belonged to Yellowcard, which she had forgotten was there as the headlining band. That made her even more anxious because they were pretty famous. She opened the door and was instantly hit with the buzzing of the backstage area. People in dark clothing with microphone packs and headsets were milling about, pieces of band equipment were being set up and ready to take onto stage. She turned right and headed down a small dimly lit hallway that led to a few doors. Crap, she thought, which one is theirs?

She started to open the first door on the right, but then she heard another door open right down the hall on the left and she could hear a familiar nasally voice say, “Haha, holy mother of God that was a fucking hilarious!”

She turned around and saw Patrick’s roommate, Joe, walk out of the door down the hall from her. As he shut the door, he noticed her and his eyes widened. She waved at him shyly and moved away from the door she was about to knock on.

“Harper?” he said in askance, walking toward her. She couldn’t help but feel his eyes zoning in on her stomach area which was left relatively bare.

“Joe, right?” she said, meeting him halfway. “I was just about to text Patrick to see what, um, dressing room you guys were, um in.”

He grinned. “That one,” he said, pointing to the one he just came out of. “Come on, follow me.” He motioned for her to follow him back to the door that he just shut. He opened it slowly and said, “Hey Patrick, Harper’s here.” He walked into the room and she followed slowly, afraid of what she might find in there.

When she entered, she was met with the scene of three guys, one of them being Patrick, just sitting around on a couple of couches. Patrick had his laptop in his lap with earphones in, while a boy with straight, dark brown hair that stuck up in all sorts of places with a few tattoos running down his arms was sitting next to him, apparently texting on his phone. On the other couch was another boy without his shirt on, covered in tattoos from head to toe with short dark red hair. He had a drum pad in his lap and two drumsticks in his hands. Harper immediately assumed he was the drummer.

They all looked at her with equal amounts of surprise, excitement and confusion. She zeroed in on Patrick’s face, trying to calm her nerves, but he looked even more nervous than she felt. He quickly took out his earphones and pushed his laptop onto the guy’s lap next to him. “What the,” the guy said, staring at the laptop now in his hands.

Patrick quickly stood up. Harper thought he looked cute in a pair of black skinny jeans (which she was beginning to see were his favorite) and a plain black t-shirt with the name of a band she had never heard of before: Fall Out Boy. She also noticed that his black glasses were gone. “Harper, hey, wow, um…” She could feel her face heating up.

“Oh, yeah, Akemi wanted to play Barbie with me,” she said, gesturing to her outfit. “It’s a little much I think.”

“Really, because you’re not leaving much to the imagination, there,” Joe commented and Harper’s temperature rose higher.

“Joe!” Patrick exclaimed, “Sorry, he has a big mouth. You, um, look really great.” He walked over to her and she wondered if he was going to hug her. They hadn’t really hugged at all, or really touched beyond a few hand grazes. She took a deep breath and took the initiative and awkwardly wrapped her hands around his neck for a hug. He seemed surprised by it, but he didn’t pull away. He smelled like licorice and soap and it made her dizzy. When she could feel his fingers barely touch her bare back, her breath caught in her throat and it made her lower abdomen start to tighten in a pleasurable way that she had never really felt before. Her mind instantly ran back to her conversation with Cassidy and Akemi earlier and having sex with him, and she pulled away from him quickly. Patrick looked at her, his cheeks red and he cleared his throat, “Um, so, you’ve, um, already met Joe,” he said pointing to his roommate.

She nodded and smiled at him. “Hey Joe.”

“Hi, again... okay, I’m going to go find the bathroom now.” He turned and left the room, apparently going to do what he was planning to do before.

“Okay… so this is Pete, my best friend and our bassist,” Patrick continued, pointing to the boy with the messy brown hair. He stood up and held his hand out for her to shake.

“Hey Harper, what’s going on?” He had a very congenial smile that made her feel instantly comfortable and welcomed, which was refreshing. He was slightly taller than Patrick as well.

“Not much, it’s really nice to meet you, Pete. Patrick’s told me a lot about you.”

“And I, you,” he said, winking at her and making her blush harder. “Hopefully, he warned you about how big a dick I can be.”

She glanced at Patrick who just shook his head. “Don’t let him fool you, he’s the most genuine guy I know…. Besides this guy over here.” He pointed to the boy with the drum pad who stood up and walked over to her. She was still shocked by how many tattoos he had. “Andy, Harper, Harper, Andy.”

“Hey!” he said in a soft, but friendly voice. She shook his hand. “So you’re Patrick’s first college friend he’s made. We’re all so proud of him,” he joked.

Harper couldn’t help but giggle at that. “Well, it’s not like he’s not trying,” she joked back and Andy and Pete both looked at each other and grinned. Patrick looked mortified.

“So Harper, tell us about yourself. Patrick tells us you’re a writer,” Pete said, taking a seat back on the couch and stretching out. He patted the spot next to him and she glanced at Patrick who gestured for her to sit down.

“Uh, yeah, well not really. I mean, maybe one day.”

“What do you write?” Andy asked her, taking a seat on the couch next to Pete. Harper quickly noticed there wasn’t any more room on the couch for Patrick to sit down.

Pete must have noticed it too because he grabbed the laptop form the floor and handed it to Patrick. “We’ll keep her company, you have more warming up to do.”

Patrick sullenly took the laptop. “Okay, I’ll be over there then. Don’t listen to any of their lies, Harper,” he warned and walked over to the far corner of the room where there was a small folding table and two chairs. He sat down and put the headphones in.

Pete and Andy caught her staring at him. “Hey!” Andy said, waving his hand in front of her face. She blinked and looked at him apologetically.

“Sorry,” she said.

Andy grinned. “No worries. So, what do you write?”

“Well, I have typically stuck with real life drama, but I’ve started to really get into like futuristic, dystopian type stuff with sci-fi and fantasy,” she said.

“That sounds pretty rad,” Andy replied.

“I guess,” she replied. Suddenly, Patrick started belting out some old Frank Sinatra tune and it startled her. She looked back over at him. He was staring intently at the computer, as if he was avoiding looking at her as he sang at his screen. She was surprised not only because of the kind of song he was singing, but that he sounded amazing. Of course, she had heard his voice on the demo, but the recording quality didn’t do his voice justice.

“Yes, Patrick has some amazing vocal chords,” Pete said to her, turning her attention back to them again.

“What? Oh, yeah, he does,” Harper said, glancing down at her hands, embarrassed that they kept catching her looking at him. “So how long have you guys been a band?” she was desperate to change the subject.

“For what, a year and a half now?” Pete looked at Andy, who nodded.

“Give or take.”

“Yeah, we’ve been touring a lot this past year, I still can’t believe Patrick and Joe managed to graduate high school,” Pete replied.

“Patrick said you guys are recording an album now? That has to be exciting,” she said.

“Yeah because it’s with like a fucking real recording studio and not Patrick’s ProTools and our garage.”

“Though to be fair we sound better in the garage than we probably will in a studio,” Andy added.

“Yeah, that’s why I’m here, to see how great you guys are,” she said. “I have high hopes.”

“Ah, might want to lower your expectations. We only seem to impress those who have low expectations of us,” Joe said, as he walked back into the room, jumping into the conversation.

“So when do you guys start recording?”

“Over fall break,” Joe replied. “We are going to fly to Chicago to the label’s studio.”

“And other than that, we’re going to be playing shows every weekend around the state and probably a few in Jersey and New York City.”

“Wow, and you can book those?”

Pete laughed. “There are those low expectations!”

She blushed, “I’m sorry, I just…”

“Thought we were just a couple of guys playing Metallica cover songs in our garage at night?” Andy said with a smirk.

“Well, I was going to say Backstreet Boys, but yeah,” she said, smirking back at him.

They all laughed. “Hell no, do not let Patrick’s cuteness and poppy voice fool you. We are totally hardcore,” Joe exclaimed.

“Yeah, totally,” Pete said, with a wildly sarcastic grin on his face. Patrick stopped singing then and took the headphones out. “All done honey?” Pete called out to him.

Patrick stood up and looked at him with a smile on his face. “Yes sweetie, hope I wasn’t bothering you while you were talking to your friends.” He walked over and sat down next to Joe on the other couch.

“They think they’re getting married sometimes,” Andy explained to Harper.

“We are getting married,” Patrick said with a straight face.

“Well, it is legal now,” Harper remarked, “and you two would be really cute together.” She raised her eyebrow at Patrick in a challenging way, making the guys laugh.

“I like you Harper,” Pete said, clapping her on the back. “You’re a pretty cool girl.”

The way he said it made Harper beam with a newfound confidence that she didn’t have before. She wasn’t sure why, but hanging around with these guys was like hanging around with her sister. She felt an ease with them that she didn’t feel with Akemi, Cassidy or anyone else. The only difference was when she looked at or talked to Patrick because her whole body felt out of control. That was challenging for her.

The guys were telling her some funny stories about some of the concerts they did in the past when Harper finally had to ask Patrick, “Um, who’s the band on your shirt?”

Patrick, taken back, looked down at his shirt. “That’s our band,” he said.

“Oh!” she exclaimed.

“I never told you what the name of our band was, did I?” Patrick looked chagrinned.

“Patrick!” Pete exclaimed. “How could you leave out the most important thing about our band!?” He was grinning.

“I thought the most important thing about our band was that our jeans were tighter than the average mans,” Joe remarked.

“Nope, that’s just Pete’s,” Andy replied.

Just then the door of the dressing room opened and the stage manager of the venue stepped in to let the boys know that they had to get ready to go on stage. The guys started filing out, with Patrick falling behind a bit with Harper.

“So, do you want to hang out back here and watch us from the wings?” Patrick asked her. She noticed that he had that fedora in his hands.

“You wear that onstage?” she asked him, completely ignoring his question.

“Uh, yeah, it’s my safety net,” he replied, flipping the hat up and placing it on his head. “How does it look?”

She couldn’t help herself; she reached up and brushed his hair away from his eyes a bit. “That’s good.” He smiled at her softly and she felt herself getting that now all too familiar ache in her lower stomach. She couldn’t draw her eyes away from his eyes or his lips. “Um,” she said in a raspy voice. “I, uh, will hang out in the, uh, wings.” She realized her hand had rested on his shoulder after she had fixed his hair. She quickly pulled it away.

“Hey kiddos, game time!” Pete exclaimed as he popped his head back in the room.

Patrick cleared his throat and gave her one last smile. “Good, that’s good.” He turned around and rushed out of the room, refusing to look at Pete.

Harper met Pete’s eyes, which were twinkling with mischief. “So, you’re coming with us to our party at me and Andy’s house after this right?”

“What? Um,” she didn’t know there was going to be a party. “Well, Patrick didn’t…”

“Psh, he meant to. Patrick gets really serious about this music stuff and forgets sometimes. You’re coming. We won’t take no for an answer.”

Harper could feel the familiar heaviness in her chest that tightened within her, that all too nostalgic closing of the lungs. All her instincts were telling her to say no and to run away or make up some excuse to leave.

“Hey are you okay, Harper?” Pete asked. She realized that she had frozen right there in the midst of her near panic attack.

Her eyesight came back into focus on him. He was giving her a concerned look. “Oh, yeah, I’m fine!” she said, her voice raising an octave higher. “I will definitely go to the party.”

“Great, Patrick will be stoked,” Pete said with a smile. “Or he’ll be completely mortified, I’m not really sure which, but it’ll be fun to find out!”

With that, he kept walking toward the stage and Harper followed behind slowly. She stopped just a few feet from the boys and Patrick noticed her standing there. He grinned and waved at her with so much enthusiasm that it made the tightness in her chest loosen a bit and she was able to breathe a bit easier. She smiled back and gave him a thumbs up. Okay, Harper. You’re in this and there’s no going back now, she thought, taking a deep breath. Patrick gave her one last smile before the four boys high-fived and walked out onto the stage amid the cries of the crowd.