Sweet Like Sugar

Gay: sexually attracted to someone who is the same sex
1: of, relating to, or used by homosexuals
2: happy and excited : cheerful and lively

What the hell was this? The dictionary definition was not helping at all.

I mean I’m cheerful as hell. I can't help it that I’m the happiest person I know; I've always been this way. That doesn't mean I'm gay. And…sexual attraction?

I don't even think it's legal for fourteen year-olds to be sexually attracted to anything and besides aren't normal teenagers sexually attracted to like...everything?

Hell, I once got a erection while eating Golden Oreos. That doesn't mean I'm into objectophilia.

I decide to search some more and I come across someone's blog that read 5 Signs you might be gay

So of course I click on it.

1. Spends a considerable amount of time in the bathroom.

I would like to think that I spend a normal amount of time in the bathroom.

2. Likes popular music artists such as Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Cher, Whitney Houston ect.

Well that’s just ridiculous. Having an appreciation for great pop songs doesn't mean I’m gay. My dad loves listening to Whitney Houston and he’s been married to my mom for like...ever.

3. Might feel uncomfortable in public toilets.

What the hell? What sane person isn't uncomfortable in public toilets? How is having a fear of getting herpes from dirty toilet stalls mean I'm gay?

Ugh. The web search wasn't going as well as I expected. I deleted my search history and logged of my dad's laptop.

What I really needed was like...a conformation.

A few days had passed since my nose accident happened and all of the swelling had finally gone down. There was still a small cut on the left side of my bridge but it no longer hurt to flare my nostrils.

It had also been a few days since I felt…whatever the hell it was, for Finn. Everything had been out of whack since. Before, when I looked in the mirror I would see a scrawny awkward pale boy with girlish features and hairless pits. Now all I see is Gay. Gay Gay! Gay! GAY! My hair looks gay. My face looks gay. Every single piece of clothing I wear looks gay. I even had gay arms.

All this time, I’d been giving people the wrong idea about me. And the worst thing was I didn't even know if it was true or not.

“You need a porn magazine.” was Peep’s clever idea when I delusionally confessed to her how I’d been feeling?

“If you look at it and get turned on, then you’re gay, for sure. If not, then it’s still questionable.”

I wasn't quite sure if Peeps was completely insane or an absolute genius, but when it came to things like sex...or in my case sexuality, she had her fair share of knowledge.

Turns out her older brother was gay and if I could talk to him maybe I’d be able to understand whatever it was that I was feeling but just my luck, he’d left for college at the beginning of the summer and wouldn't be back until the 4th and I didn't have that kind of time.

The plan was to go to Buckley’s Shop 'n Go. It was like our own little Timbercreek version of Wal-Mart but way trashier. Since it was the only huge store here, they sold a lot more than groceries. You’d actually be surprised at all of the things you could find in that place.

“Can you take me to Buckley’s?” I ask Zoe leaning in the doorway to her room.

She was laying down and reading a book on her bed on some pastel pink bed sheets. It looks so odd since the only clothes she wore now consisted of only black and maybe some red plaid if it’s a good day. Her room hadn't changed since she was my age and though there were probably a few posters of some unfamiliar hardcore bands up on her walls, it still had this really preppy and girly vibe to it.

“No can do, little bro. Luke and I are going into town today. Won’t be back until late.” She doesn't even bother looking up at me.

“Well, can I just get a ride there?” I press.

She finally looks up but she’s annoyed. “Why can’t you just ask dad?”

“Because...he’d be curious about what I want to buy and I don’t want him to know.” I answer truthfully.

She raises an eyebrow and sort of leans forward now fully interested. “And what is it that you’re so secretive about buying, Sugar?”

“None of your business. Are you going to take me or what?” I fold my arms and she laughs a bit.

“Whatever, weirdo. Be ready in ten.”

I was ready in ten but Luke didn't show up until about an hour later which pissed Zoe off making them get into this huge argument about him never considering other people’s feelings or something like that.

I never knew what Zoe saw in him. She was entirely out of his league. His hair was died black and straightened and his bangs covered both of his eyes which caused him to have to flip his hair 30 times in one minute. His lip was pierced and he sometimes wore guy liner when his band was preforming in shows. He had the complete emo thing going on and I guess it really worked for him because he was considered quite the ladies' man around here. He probably spent more time in the bathroom than me plus he wore makeup and I was the one questioning my sexuality? Ridiculous.

Luke was an alright guy. He was just so…dense. Zoe was the smartest and prettiest girl I knew and I wasn't just saying that because she was my sister. I would never tell her I thought that in a million years. I just knew she could do so much better. So did my parents and Zoe and mom had gotten into their fair share of arguments about this fact.

The entire drive there was silent except for a CD of Luke’s band Eaverlasting that was named after him, that rang though his disgusting trash filled truck. I was squished in the middle of the fighting couple while Luke jammed along to his own music like the pretentious idiot he is and Zoe just crossed her arms and angrily stared out of the window.

Needless to say I was glad to be out of the truck when we got to Buckley’s.

“Sure you don’t want to come with us?” Zoe asks after I’m out and onto the sidewalk.

It wasn't hard to tell my presence made Luke uncomfortable and Zoe was obviously just trying to get under his skin by asking the question. I saw him glare at me with a look that screamed “Don’t you even think about it.”

And I didn't. I’d rather do anything else in the world than spend another second in that truck with those two.

When they finally drive off I take a deep breath and walk inside.

I circle the entire store a few times before I finally get the nerve to actually stop at the magazine rack. It’s placed fairly close to the check out and instead of Mrs. or Mr. Buckley, it’s their grandson behind the counter whose name seems to slip my mind. I do know he’s the same age as Zoe because whenever I came here with my mom, she was always trying to hook the two up. I’m pretty sure my mom would do anything to get rid of Luke.

He was way cuter than Luke anyway. Oh god. Did I just of think another boy as cute? I seriously had to stop being so gay. But I mean…he was kind of…handsome. He had hard eyes that were slightly covered by glasses with wavy brown hair. He did need a haircut though.

I glance over to him and he’s already giving me a bothered stare.

I hastily look away and leave the magazine area to circle the stare again pretending to be looking for something. When I look at the counter again, the grandson’s attention is focused on his cell phone. I pick up a small bottle of Coke casually and head back towards the magazine rack.

The grandson still isn't looking while I browse over all of the cooking and home decoration magazines. All of the celebrity gossip magazines are picked over and old editions and finally I see one that’s not so PG.

It’s buried behind some People's magazines from 2007. There are a few of them. Most of them have tan and plastic looking women with humongous fake breasts on the front cover but I finally come across one with a guy on it. I check the counter again for the boy and he’s nowhere to be found. This was my chance. Quickly I grab the magazine, slip it under my shirt and walk towards door without delay.

I wasn't a thief but desperate times called for desperate measures. There was no way they were going to sell a dirty magazine to someone my age and not only that but a gay dirty magazine. God, I’d rather die than see the look of that boy’s face if I would have actually tried to buy it.

I’m approximately one foot away from the exit before I feel my shoulder being grabbed and pulled back.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

I look up to see none other than the grandson and go into complete panic mode.

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry.” All I can think of is that I’m caught! I've been caught stealing gay dirty magazines! I’ll probably be sent to jail. Or worse he’s going to tell my parents and then they’ll know that I’m gay and a thief! They’ll disown me! I’ll be the laughing stock of the town. Zoe won’t ever talk to me again because I’ll be her gay delinquent little brother. My life is over. My entire life is completely and utterly ov-

“Whatever, kid. Just pay for it. The soda costs a dollar.”

“Huh?” I’m on the verge of tears when I realize that he’s talking about the Coke and not the magazine.

“You can’t just walk out with it. Did you think I wouldn't notice?” He says holding his hand out.

“Oh…o-okay. Sorry.” My hand is shaking as I reach into my pocket and pull out a single dollar bill. I’m trying not to make it obvious that there’s something under my shirt but I can feel the magazine starting to slip and I tuck my left arm into my side to hold it into place.

He takes the dollar and gives me another raised eyebrow look but shakes it off. “Thanks for shopping at Buckley’s. Please come again.” He deadpans before walking away.

I hold my breath until I’m outside of the store and exactly ten steps away. As soon as I exhale I take off in a sprint towards my house.