A Will to Survive

Lacy was stepping quietly through the woods as she tried to remember how far the raspberry bush was. She had been walking for a lot longer than she had remembered but at the time she had been with Daryl and time had a way of slipping by with his stony blue stare to occupy her mind. Before leaving she had racked her mind for nearly an hour trying to remember the last time she had her bow and where it might be inside the prison. Eventually she realized the only way she would find it would be to go back in and do a search of a few different places.

She felt like she had made it through the worst of this illness but she wouldn’t risk pulling a typhoid marry and pacing it along to the others. She couldn’t go back in even if Carol and Daryl seemed to believe that those who didn’t have it wouldn’t get it. Just when she had been ready to call it a night she saw a metal glint from the side of her supply bag. The one Carol had left for her. Upon further inspection it seemed the bag Carol had brought her was Daryl’s. It had been cleared of his belongings and in it now were some clothes meant for her and some water. Whoever had emptied it, be it Daryl or Carol, had left in the outside pocket Daryl’s hunting knife. She had never been without her bow in the woods before but she didn’t think the trip would take long and she planned to be back before nightfall. As lacy walked alone she felt her tired muscles and her heaving breaths reminding her that she wasn’t better yet. Maybe she could walk and maybe her fever was gone but she was still sick. She may have overestimated herself when she decided to leave the prison fences but now that she was out here she wasn’t going to just turn around and head back. Lacy felt her mind taking over as she walked along drifting into her memories as she often tried to avoid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lacy was walking down a back road it was only a few months after the outbreak and she was headed south. The distinct sound of an engine echoed of the wall of trees on either side of her. Hearing this car before she saw it gave her a choice, she could hide in the woods and let it pass by or she could stay put. She felt her heart beat pick up as she tried to decide what was best. She was running out of time to make a decision and then just like that it was too late.

The car was in view over her shoulder and if she could see them then they could see her. Now all that she could do was hope they passed by without giving her any trouble. Lacy tightened her grip on her bow and slid an arrow into her coat sleeve just in case she needed it quickly. The car pulled up alongside her it was a big hippie van covered in bumper stickers the rear view mirror had beads and knick knacks hanging from it they were bouncing as the van crept along over the pot holes beside Lacy. There was an old man in a black t shirt and sunglasses sitting in the driver’s seat.

“Hey!”

Lacy kept walking looking straight ahead not acknowledging the man beside her.

“Hey girl? You alone?” there was compassion in his voice which made Lacy falter. She glanced towards him and saw his intent gaze even through his sun glasses as he leaned towards the open passenger’s side window.

“I might be.” Lacy answered loud enough for him to hear.

“My names Eric. I’ve got a group. Come back with me.” Lacy just snorted and continued walking. It seemed futile her pace was never going to actually get her away from his van. She was stuck talking to him just as much walking as she would be if they had stopped. She had no idea who this man was and she didn’t care.

“I know okay? I know you don’t trust me. I wouldn’t trust me. It’s just… there aren’t that many people left. I can’t just look the other way. I can’t leave you out here alone to fend for yourself. All that’s left in this world, all we can hold onto is each other. How can we ever come back from this if we are scattered. We have to find each other and try to rebuild. Do you understand? Do you know why I can’t just leave you here? Please just give me a chance to show you what I mean.” Lacy stopped walking causing him to sharply hit the break lurching his boat of a van forward before coming to a halt. Lacy kicked the ground and fought herself on this one. She didn’t know him and she had no reason to trust him but she couldn’t shake the sincerity in his voice. She looked at him again.

“I may be alone and I may be a girl but don’t think I won’t kill you.” She had only run into one other person since leaving Chicago and it hadn’t turned out well. He had tried to force himself on her when he had found her camped out at night and in the midst of their struggle she got a hold of his gun. She hated guns. She squeezed her eyes closed.

“I don’t plan to give you reason to.”

“Alright old man.” She mumbled catching his big grin out of the corner of her eye. She threw open the passenger side door and climbed into the plush interior of the van. She almost rolled her eyes at the shag carpeting. They sat there not moving for a long awkward moment before she turned to him
“Well are we going?”

“Seatbelt”

“Really? You have to be kidding me.” Lacy's said as she reached for the seatbelt on her right.

“With ten thousand things trying to kill you everyday dyeing in a car accident really seems stupid doesn’t it?” he retorted with a cocked eye brow. Lacy stifled a chuckle. He was charming that’s for sure. Lacy felt secure in the fact that she could defend herself should he turn out to be a bad man. Then they were off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lacy lost track of the memory she was reliving as she slid down a tree trunk trying to catch her breath. She needed to rest for a second before she could go on. Her body was feeling heavy and the sun was starting to go down. At this rate she wouldn’t be back before dark but Lacy refused to go back just yet. She knew if she tried hard enough she could go get those berries and enjoy them like dessert, a prize for making it this far. Somewhere in her mind she knew she was being stubborn but she didn’t want to be weak. She didn’t want to be taken care of anymore.

Lacy hadn’t realized she had dozed off leaning against the tree trunk. The evening had grown into night and the chirps of crickets where buzzing in her ears. She was awoken by the snap of a twig on the dense forest floor in the distance. She shot off the ground reaching for her bow only to remember she hadn’t brought it. ‘you’re so stupid’ she chastised herself as she readied Daryl’s hunting knife and strained to hear what had caused the noise. A rustle of a bush to her left made Lacy jump she felt like her skin was crawling off of her bones until Daryl’s face appeared in the darkness and foliage.

“You scared the shit out of me” Lacy began with a small smirk as relief flooded her veins like a drug. She was quickly cut off by an irate southern drawl.

“The fuck ya thinkin’!?!” he nearly shouted. Lacy looked anxiously around. His voice was raised and it wasn’t a good idea to make a lot of noise in the woods after Dark.

“I just ...”Lacy was cut off again.

“Ya almos’died this week! I had ta hold a drink ta yer lips, I had ta pick ya up off a the floor! You just get back on yer feet and ya run off like this at night!? Are ya tryin’ ta get yerself killed? Ya don’t even have a weapon!” Daryl was passing back and forth in front of her shooting her death glares from under his hair.

‘I.. I just wanted some berries.”

“Fuckin’ berries? Ya risked yer life fer some god damn raspberries!?”

“Daryl...” Lacy wanted to fall into herself. Collapse into a heap and never get up. She couldn’t find words as she starred at a furious Daryl.

“What!? Please try an explain this ta me ‘fore I really get mad” Lacy stayed silent for a long moment watching the fire building in Daryl’s eyes before she began.

“It was dumb okay. I realize that now. I just… I felt useless and I was hungry and I thought that I could do this on my own. I couldn’t go back into the prison for my bow but I found this.” Lacy held out Daryl’s knife for him to see. He stopped his pacing to look at it with a glimmer of surprise.

“Where’d ya get my knife?”

“It was in the bag Carol brought me.” Daryl scuffed clearly processing what Lacy had been saying.

“Ya cant keep doin’ this.”

“Doing what?” Lacy asked afraid of his answer. What if it was something she couldn’t control? What if he was finally realizing she was to broken, too damaged to function with other people?

“Scarin’ the piss outta me.” Daryl murmured with softness now as his posture loosened and his pacing slowed.

“I didn’t realize I could do that.” Lacy replied.

“Ya can and ya do. All the time.” Daryl sighed and leaned his forehead against his arm using a tree trunk as a post to rest his weight. Lacy waited for a moment then stepped forward leaning against the tree trunk as well looking into Daryl’s face. He lifted his face towards her his eyes roaming over her features. He couldn’t explain how she did this to him. How she got under his skin and dug her claws into his mind. He couldn’t shake her from his thoughts. He had been so afraid when he went to check on her and found her camp empty. He had tracked her all the way out here letting his anger build every second of his trip. He had worked so hard to keep her alive to keep her with him. Then she was just going to throw it away for some berries. He remembered their kiss vividly as he looked at her upturned face. Lacy was thinking about it too. Lacy saw how angry he was she knew it was her fault. She could never get ahead with him. Her gut told her that he regretted the kiss. The part of her mind that was gluten for pain, the part that always riddled her with doubts told her it wasn’t possible for him to care about her like that. So she did what she thought was best she tried to let him off the hook.

“Listen Daryl …earlier at the prison. When we… kissed. I get it. Sometimes stuff like that just happens. We can move past it if you want. Never talk about it again. Your one of my only friends here... I just don’t want things to change between us because of a mistake.” Daryl who had been looking at the ground averting her gaze while she spoke looked at her now leaning in so that they were only inches apart but there was hardness in his eyes.

“Is that what that was ta ya? A mistake. Like Beth? had ta run off again and play the victim.” Lacy felt the sting of his words and she knew it only hurt because he was so undeniably right. This was just like her kiss with Beth.

“What? No I just mean... You left and I... I just think we got caught up... I wasn’t hiding... I ...” Lacy stammered trying to back track realizing that she was saying all the wrong things yet again.

“The mistake was comin’ out here after yer sorry ass. Ya don’t need my help, ya just need my knife. Ya just need me to run and get ya meds. Ya just need me to feed ya. But ya don’t need tell no one where yer goin’ or why. Ya don’t need to spend half a second thinking ‘bout what the rest of us. How we’d feel if ya died. How I’d feel…” Daryl’s voice had been getting increasingly louder until her trailed off he pushed off the tree and stalked back in the direction of the prison leaving Lacy standing helplessly with her mouth hanging open.

“Wait Daryl!” Lacy sprinted after him feeling light headed but determined to catch up to him. He turned around harshly looming over her shouting again.

“What! What ya need now!? Ya need me ta carry ya back into the prison again?” He threw a water bottle at her.

“Ya need this? Cuz ya didn’t bring it with yer dumb ass. I’m not yer fucking pet. I’m done.”
Lacy was growing angry now as well but what she felt the most, like a stab to her core, was guilt.

“Stop! Just stop! I’m sorry okay? I’m sorry I left the prison, I’m sorry I got sick, I’m sorry I’m a basket case, I’m sorry all I ever do is make things worse. I know what you’ve done for me. I know that I’m a useless piece of shit okay? I’m just sick of people taking care of me I want to be strong. I want to take care of myself and do something that matters. I had a break down. I scratched Ricks face because I thought he was my fucking father. I can’t stop messing everything up.” Lacy was crying now as she babbled at Daryl who had grown very still and silent. She continued.

“After we kissed I was so happy but then when you left and I was alone I started thinking and it just didn’t make sense. If it’s too good to be true it probably is. So I sat and I thought and eventually I realized it must have been a fluke and then I just felt so awful. I didn’t want to lose you even then so I tried to let you off the hook. Show you that the kiss didn’t mean you were stuck with me forever. I just. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Lacy was shaking now.

“Yer almost as fucked up as me Red.” Daryl mumbled he whipped a hand over his face before continuing.

“Do ya really believe all that bullshit ya jus’ said? Ya think yer that useless. Look I didn’ mean ta make ya think ya weren’t good fer nothin’. I keep bustin’ my ass tryin’ ta keep ya alive an I don’ know why. This aint easy fer me. I don’ know what im doin’. Im out here in the woods chasing ya down praying ya aint walker food. I aint even religious.” Daryl sighed and appraised Lacy protectively. She looked weak and she looked exhausted but most of all she looked scared. Scared because of him. He wanted to kick himself for making her hurt worse when he knew she was going through so much already.

“Daryl I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to fix everything.”

“Stop tryin’ ta fix it. Yer thinkin’ yer self ta death, Jus’ take it one step at a time.” Daryl fidgeted wondering why he was counseling her when he had been the one pissed off at the start of this. Suddenly the hair on the back of Daryl’s neck stood up and he heard rustles coming from behind him. He should have known all their yelling would attract walkers.

They shouldn’t have stayed in one place this long anyway. They needed to get back to the prison they could talk about this there. Daryl whipped his crossbow around from his back and loaded it up as quickly as possible seeing three walkers emerging from the darkness.

He moved forward aiming as best he could in the dim light for the walker farthest to the left. He heard a gurgle from his right and turned to see Lacy jabbing his hunting knife through the top of one of their skulls. In that moment she looked so fierce. She kicked the walkers falling body to dislodge the knife from the biters skull. As she pulled it loose blood sprayed across her pale face. Daryl pulled his bolt from the walker he had taken down and jabbed into the ear of the reaming corpse. The sounds of moans and gurgles finally dissipated all that was left was the labored breathing of the pair of them.

“We gotta get back.” Lacy nodded and followed close behind Daryl glad that he was there to navigate them. The woods looked so much different in the dark Lacy wasn’t sure she could have found her way back as easily as she knew he could.

When the two entered the prison fences finally they wandered back to her little camp site slowly and awkwardly.

“Daryl…” Lacy nearly whispered. He looked at her now replaying their argument in his mind.

“Are we okay?”

“Yeah lace, we’re okay.”Daryl sounded exhausted as he answered her but she wasn’t done yet. Lacy couldn’t trust her own mind. She couldn’t keep deciding for herself what Daryl thought or felt she had to just ask.

“and the kiss… it wasn’t a fluke?” She had to know she couldn’t keep tormenting herself with it. Daryl sighed heavily. Instead of answering her he stepped forward and roughly grabbed her by the hips. He planted his lips on hers so forcefully it almost hurt but Lacy was electric under his touch. When they parted he kept his forehead to hers growling to her in his signature way.

“I said stop over thinkin’ everythin’. Yer gonna be the death of me woman. “

“Will you stay? Out here with me I mean.” Lace felt bashful asking that of him but she wasn’t ready to be alone yet.

“Wouldn’ be the first time this week I stayed with ya fer the night. Wouldn’t be the second nether. Gotta grab some stuff from in the prison. I’ll be back.” He started to walk away before turning around and adding.

“And fer the love a god could ya stay put this time?” Lacy just smirked and nodded as he walked backwards towards the prison door. ‘He will be back’ she reminded herself. ‘He will be back.’