So Long and Good Night

GERARD'S P.O.V

~Flashback from high school~

"Gerard, get down here please!" I heard my dad's voice call up the stairs. He didn't sound mad, but he didn't sound too happy either.

"Coming." I mumbled to myself before pausing my music and trudging down the stairs to be met with Mom and Dad sitting at the kitchen table with Mikey leaning against the counter by the sink.

"Come in and sit down, sweetheart." Mom's voice nearly cooed as she gestured towards the two empty chairs left around the table.

I walked into the brightly lit kitchen hesitantly. Out of the corner of my eye I caught Mikey giving me the look that was my signal to know that something was up and I was in deep shit.

I pulled out a chair between my two parents and sat down slowly, my hands locked between my legs.

"Gerard, we have to discuss something..." Dad started before trailing off...I could hear the heaviness in his voice. I looked over to see that Mom's eyes were blood shot and her hand was covering her mouth.

"Grandma....H-Helena.." Mikey corrected himself. He looked away and I could tell he was wiping his eyes. He looked back at me and sniffled.

"W-what...what about her?..." I asked, watching the features of everyone sink.

"Sh-she's.....She's.....She's d-dead, Gerard...Elena died this morning..." Dad finally choked out.

"Helena." I hissed as his stammering words were stabbing my ear drums. I felt the grief already settling into my chest as my thoughts slowly lost clearness.

I understood perfectly well what I had been told but that didn't mean that I could fucking believe it. My grandmother was the only person in my life that I felt understood me for everything that I was. She was my musical influence and she pushed me to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it without any second thoughts. She taught me how to love myself and how to not take anyone's shit. How to keep running, keep fighting. To never give up and to show the world that it couldn't hurt me.

Helena was the only person that knew I was gay....she actually knew before I understood that I was...which says something about how close we were. And now, she was gone....I didn't even get to say fucking goodbye because she was gone.

"Gerard...everything's going to be alright..." Mom whispered, placing her hand on my shoulder and rubbing her thumb along my skin. I shrugged her off harshly. I felt the tears burning like flames behind my eyes and in my nose but I wouldn't let them fall...I couldn't let them fall...not now and not ever.

"Gerard?..." was the last voice I clearly heard as I rose from the chair and rushed from the kitchen, pushing my way forcefully passed Mikey as he tried to stop me.

My mind was a cloud of confusion though I knew perfectly well the one goal I had in mind...and when I was through with that I knew I would have physical numbness to match my mental.

***

I was sitting on the cold floor, my back pressed against the wooden door. It was locked and I was alone in my thoughts... Everything was a blur... Everything was numb... Nothing felt right, nothing felt real. It all passed my like a dream. A terrible fucking dream that I had no clue if I could ever wake from.

I had a small bowl of water sitting next to me with a white towel and my mom's small hand mirror....

I slowly pushed myself up off the linoleum floor, grabbing the towel and mirror as I did so.

Slowly yet quickly at the same time I wrapped the mirror in the towel and dropped it to the floor. I looked down at my heavy combat boots and without any thought I pick my foot up and smashed my heel into the mirror, feeling it crumble beneath my foot.

I crouched down and unwrapped the towel revealing a plastic handle and shard splinters of glass.

I ruffled through them until my fingers fell upon the perfectly broken wedge and I picked it up, letting it fall into my palm. It felt like it belonged there.

I looked down at my left arm to see the long sleeve of my favorite jacket... Slowly I pushed the material up my arm, revealing an arm quilted in scars. Some across the street, some down the lane, and some with home-done stitch marks still protruding off the tissue.

I slowly dipped the glass into the bowl of water and brought the sharpest side down so it was facing my raw skin.

With little pressure my robotic movements had a clean line of crimson across my wrist, the blood already over flowing from its cut, running in drops down my fingers.

I repeated this again and again and again until my palms looked like the back seat window in a car while driving through a rainstorm. And my arm, my poor innocent arm, looked like a piece of lined paper from school, though the lines were red instead of blue. And I would never be writing on these lines, or even letting them be seen.

With a quivering breath I let the stained shard fall to the floor, only shattering it further as I fell against the door. I let my head fall back and the silent tears drip down my face as I sat there, thinking about how ashamed she would have been if she would have known.

I lost myself in the memories of being with her when I was younger when all of a sudden I heard someone's fingers wrapping against the door.

"Gee, are you alright? Y-you've been in there for hours..." Mikey's concerned words asked as he stood right outside in the hall way. I didn't answer him...I couldn't answer him...My mouth fell open but my voice dried up.

"G-Gerard?..." He insisted, taking hold of the door handle and trying to push his way through but the lock kept the two of us separated.

He tried one last time to open the door before I heard something hit it. It was followed almost instantly by a choked and mangled sob the escaped Mikey's lips.

"Gerard...p-please...I-I need you." My little brother cried, ripping my heart out as he did so.

***

To the days leading up to my grandmother's funeral, Mikey and I were the only one's to speak out of the four of us; Mom and Dad had fallen into a state of silence. They seemed to be separating themselves from us and the rest of this fucking world.

After the funeral, my parents and I didn't speak with each other for a month. It seemed like they were trying to drive us away, which honestly is what we...or at least I needed.

***

~Flashback from college~

I walked through the front door, stomping the snow from my boots.

"Mom, Dad, Mikes? I'm home!" I called into the house as I stepped through the door.

"Gerard?" I heard Mikey call from up the stairs. I chuckled as he came jumping down the steps. I barely had time to drop my bags and he had me wrapped in a bear hug.

"Hey, Kobra Kid!" I grinned, hugging him back tightly.

"Hi Party Poison!" He yelped, stepping back right as Mom walked in from the dinning room.

"Oh My Heavens! Donald! Gerard's home!" She shouted back down the hall before making her way over to me. I quickly wrapped my arms around her as she did the same to me.

"Oh, I missed you do much Ma." I smiled, telling her go as he cupped my cheeks and pulled my face down, kissing my forehead.

"I missed you too, Gerard." Mom smiled. I looked up from her happy face to see Dad standing near the doorway.

"Hey Dad." I waved nervously.

"Hello, Gerard." He smiled. I returned it before making my way over and hugging him as well. It was different though. He almost acted like it hurt him to hug me. I simply brushed it off and grabbed my bags, taking them upstairs to my room.

***

"Dinner was great as usual, Mom." I smiled, wiping around my mouth with a napkin.

"Thank you, sweetheart. I wanted to make your favorite for your first meal home." she grinned her same old warm grin before she got up and began clearing the dishes around her seat.

Dad had stayed silent throughout the whole meal which was very unlike him. He was usually asking me a bunch of questions about school. But this time he didn't.

"You boys go on into the living room. Dad and I will clean up." Mom smiled, gesturing towards the doorway. I tried helping clear the table but she wanted none of it and insisted I go. She was my mother so I couldn't argue with her so I simply complied and went into the living room, flipping on the TV and flopping down on the couch.

After a while Dad came in and tapped my shoulder.

"We need to talk.' He whispered. I simply nodded and rose from my seat. I grabbed my coat and followed him out back onto the deck.

"What's up, Dad?" I asked, lighting a cigarette as he watched me.

"Don't "what's up, dad" me! I know what you've been up to and it's sick!" he shouted.

"I have no clue what you're talking about..."

"No clue, huh? No fucking clue?" I shook my head, taking a hesitantly long drag before blowing the smoke out the side of my mouth.

"About a month ago we got a call on the land line. The guy on the other end said he was your BOYFRIEND and that he couldn't get a hold of you. So he looked us up in the phone book. What the fuck do you have to say for yourself Gerard?" my father spat.

"I-I....uhm...." I trailed off, looking down nervously.

"Uhm what you faggot?"

"Don't call me a faggot you son of a bitch!" I yelped.

"Why can't I? It's what you are, isn't it?"

"I am no faggot. I am gay, sure! But I'm not a faggot you mother fucking bastard."

"So you are queer?!"

"Yes I am, Dad! Would you like it in writing as well?"

"No, but I would like you out of my fucking house! No child of mine will take part in such revolting behaviors and live under my Goddamn roof, you hear me?!"

"Alright fine! I'll just go and move in with my BOYFRIEND!" I yelled, before turning around and storming inside. I caught the door with my foot before it closed.

"Oh yeah, and Dad. I had sex with a man in your bed while I was still in high school." I smirked before slamming the back door. I ran upstairs and grabbed my still-packed bags before rushing out the door and to my car.

***

That night was the last night I had spoken to both my mother and father. I would have stayed in touch with Mom, but I was afraid Dad would find out and cut her off from any contact with me and Mikey.

Now here my homophobic father stood before me and my husband just one day after our wedding and I was terrified of what he would do tome...to us...