Puma

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SATURDAY - DAY THREE.
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Nights are honestly the worst. My sleeping meds and pain pills seemed to consistently wear off at around one in the morning, leaving me awake and in pain. On top of that, I think of Ally and everything I did to her. I know there’s no chance of us being together again and I said, like, a chapter ago I was okay with moving on – and she even said so herself that we’d be better as friends. We won’t be ‘us’ again and I get that, but I really did adore her.

Four years.

That’s the longest friendship I’ve ever had and relationship and I fucked all that up. There’s always this guilt that comes whenever I miss her. If I cared about her as much I say I do, then I would’ve never hurt her enough to make her leave.

gaaaaaaahh.

Nights are the worst because that’s when I realise how much I really do miss her and how much of a piece of shit I am. She’s not here anymore and it sucks balls.

That’s the scary thing about being with someone. Either you get married or you break up.

No matter who I try to be with, we’ll always break up. I’ll never find someone.

I stared wide eyed up at the ceiling.

I’m gonna be forever alone.

I dropped my hands onto my face and let out a weird screeching inhale before flopping my arms down onto the mattress. I sighed.

Then remembered what today was. Saturday.

Pool.

*weird screeching inhale of happiness*

Happiness went away went I became aware of Skip’s ventilator. That shit…is so annoying. I started to scowl, but choked on my spit at the sound of a door handle turning. I stared at the door to Skip and I’s room as it creaked open.

In an instant, I snapped my eyes shut and pulled the blanket over my face.

I could see through the sheet the outrageously bright light from the hallway creep into the room, then sliver away when the door clicked shut.

I almost thought it to be a nurse when I didn’t hear a set of feet come into the room to walk around. Just as I thought that, feet shuffled over and stopped once they reached the side of my bed.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh, God. Part of me wanted to be that super brave and strong person and sit up to catch them, then scream at them to get out of my room, but the logical side realised they were probably homicidal like Hunter had said, and would have no issue just killing me like there was no tomorrow, so

I stayed quiet, having a mini panic attack.

I tensed as the bed shifted. They were sitting on the bed. That creepy muhfuh was sitting on my muhfuh-ing bed.

Shit, you guys. What do I do?

Someone was being a frick’n creep. I wanted to see who but was more scared of who it might be.

My mind tried to hint to me that it could be Carter, but…was it wrong that that made me feel a little better about it all?

No. He wouldn’t do that. He has no reason to.

Oh, God –

A rough hand came up to lace through my hair that stuck out from under the covers. They were gentle about it, moving my fringes to the side before slowly pinching the corner of the blanket between their fingers, edging it down.

You guys – guys – guys – guys.

I’m scared.

Again, their touch was gentle, taking it from my forehead down to my cheek. Calloused finger tips traced the long scar on my right cheek and they sighed. Their hand went back up to lace through my bangs before being pulled away.

I waited for them to stand, leaving quietly, but they stayed.

Legit minutes passed until the plastic covering of the mattress crinkle and I felt my pillow shift. I flinched slightly when a pair of rough lips touched my forehead softly. Two soft kisses were given.

They didn’t make my skin crawl or make me shiver from discomfort.

It made me feel safe and protected, almost like they weren’t here to hurt me.

They pulled back and whispered, “You’ll be okay.”

I had to work overtime to conceal any thoughts from showing on my face.

That voice. I knew that voice.

But…why –

He hauled himself up from the bed and walked slowly over to the door. He pulled it open, hesitated before closing it behind him as he exited out into the hallway.

I kept my eyes shut, finally blinking after several seconds passed and I was sure he had left.

I sat up, looking around the room, inching back to lean on the headboard of my bed.

What the fu –

Any smidgen of comfort I had felt went away. Carter sneaking into my room to sit on my bed while I slept wasn’t as much of a relief as I thought it would be.

I tried thinking of a reason he might even think to do that. Why was he here in the first place? I really wanted to know what got him in a psych hospital.

The possibilities of him being homicidal entered in. I don’t know the warning signs of being homicidal, but – was that why he never wanted to share during group meetings?

He wasn’t gonna…kill me, was he?

If anyone was going to kill me, it was going to be me. Then again, we all know how incompetent I am at that.

And now I’m sad. Great. I couldn’t get myself to fall back asleep. I stayed awake in an upright position until a nurse came in at 6:45 to wake me and Skip up. Today, it was Nurse Joy.

At the sight of me already up, Joy smiled warmly.

“Oh, you’re awake.”

“Where’s Debra?” I asked, kicking my covers off.

“She’ll be late. She had to take her kids to their cross country match. She’ll be back by lunch.”

“Ah.” I scooted my bum out of bed, cringed when my bare feet touched the floor, and slouched to scratch my head as Joy made her way over to Skip’s bed. She woke him up by ripping off his breathing mask – jk. She just touched his forehead and he jolted awake.

Skip yawned and Joy looked up to me.

“Tyler, you can go on down to the nurse’s. I’ll get him up and ready.”

Well, I wasn’t planning on sticking around and helping…

“Right.” I got up, threw a peace sign at Skip, put on my kickass slippers and marched to go see Jackie and Lon-Lon. My morning vitals and look-overs dragged by but soon I was able to walk myself back to my room.

Inches before stepping into the empty room, everything around me suddenly blurred and faded momentarily to black. I thought it was the lights, but when I felt woozy and didn’t hear anyone else murmur in surprise, I knew it was my eyes. I regained my vision quickly and tried to straighten myself back out only to have to clutch for something to hold myself up when I became dizzy again.

I inhaled sharply when I hit the wall, knocking my vision back in. My head dropped into my palm and I groaned, my stomach twisting into a knot as it growled with hunger.

Oh, what - I was getting bad again.

I gripped my sides and tried to ignore my sappy thoughts of confusion. I gained a pound and half since yesterday. How am I lightheaded? I didn’t get it.

I pinched my skin through my hoodie and slumped to my bed where I took my routine nap until I scowled at the sound of a light knock.

I blinked one eye open to stare at the figure leaning on the frame of the doorway. Squinting, my eyes sprang open as my heart raced fleetingly. I dropped the expression quickly and put my scowl back on to narrow a glance at the smirking Carter.

I snapped my eyes shut and sighed.

“What do you want?”

“You,” he said haughtily. I gave him another narrow look and his smile grew. “It’s breakfast time, lover. You’re eating with me.”

That made me sit up straight.

“Says who?” I asked mockingly.

“Joy. We’ve got work right after, so it just makes sense that we eat breakfast together.”

Oh, great. I have to work with my stalker. I whined, squeezing my eyes shut, but after dropping my head into my hands, I scratched and mumbled, “Fine. Get out, would you? I need to get ready.” Carter’s smile stretched into a smirk.

“I wouldn’t mind watching.”

“But I would.” I stood and walked up to him, gripping a hand on his shoulder. I pushed him away. “Go.”

“You look fine.”

“Leave,” I stressed. “I look like shit. I know that, so don’t even try, mate.”

“Ah. Low self-esteem,” he smirked, hooking his arm over my shoulders. I smacked it off.

“Not that low.”

I ended up having to legit kick him out and yank the door shut when he stumbled out into the hallway. I held onto the door handle for several seconds before sprinting to the bathroom, yanking its door shut.

Again, I waited and when I didn’t hear the knob turn from the other side, I sighed and twisted to look into the mirror. I grabbed at my gross face with one hand, switching on the tap with the other.

I cupped my hands under the water and rinsed my face with my drenched hands, blotting the water away with a small hand towel. I repeated the process with my hair, stuck my tongue out at the result and fixed my stare on the gauze around my throat. The new tape Jackie had ran over the edges was already bunching up from me clawing at it during my nap this morning. I titled my head back and grumbled when I scratched and the itch seemed to intensify.

That itch led to my arms tingling; I went for a go at satisfying the insane itch when my eczema decided to join in. Thankfully, no gauze covered that and I was free to tear open the skin.

But damn, did it feel good.

It’s been acting up a lot lately. Mostly at night. Used to only bug me every once and a while, but I forgot to grab the lotion for it, so that might be why.

Finally content, I sighed and went out to grab a change of clothes.

Once I was all finished and checked the mirror to see I was still a mess, I winked at my reflection and exited out to find Carter waiting patiently for me by the elevator.

Taking on the James Dean aura once again, he was leaned against the wall, thumbs hooking around two belt loops as he looked off into space with a blank yet yum expression.

I like how I'm so gay all of a sudden.

The thought to sneak up on him and push him over didn’t get the chance to bud before I caught Carter’s attention instead.

Doing a double-take, he smiled at me. It wasn’t smug or flirty. It looked genuine. But the longer I took to reach him, the more devious it turned. It became sweet again when I finally stopped in front of him.

I raised my brow at him and mumbled, “What?”

“You have beautiful eyes,” he said softly.

“I have a genetic disorder.”

“Geez,” he chuckled. “Can’t you take a compliment?”

“Not seriously, no.” I followed his example and slouched to lean my back onto the wall. Crossing my arms, I looked around the ‘lobby.’ Various groups of five were slowly forming. I spotted Cassie chilling over by the nurse’s station, gulping down a watery cup of coffee and Lily and her new nurse companion when they came out of the nurse’s office. I inhaled a breath and turned my head to Carter.

I opened my mouth just as he did, his sentence toppling over mine.

“You always look vaguely pissed off,” he remarked with a smirk. “It’s hot.”

I accidentally let the ‘duck face’ come out as I shook my head at him. “Why do you keep hitting on me?” I questioned oddly. “I told you you’re not my type.”

“Why do you keep talking to me?” he shot back, smirk now looking a bit forced.

“You won’t leave me alone.”

“You know why?” he asked rhetorically. I interjected anyway.

“No, please tell me.”

“Because you always look vaguely pissed off.” His smirk returned. “It’s hot.”

I started to glare at him mockingly when I was startled by Lily’s nurse friend coming over to greet me.

“Tyler?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m Ann,” she introduced herself warmly. “I’ll be your guide down to the cafeteria from now on.”

“What about Debra?” I said, furrowing my brows.

“She’s fine. You’re just being moved under my supervision.

“Uh…? Why? Did I do something wrong?” I asked, trying to find a reason for her to be my ‘guide.’

Ann pouted. “Oh no, honey.” She paused to look from me to Carter. “I’ll explain later.” I glanced up at Carter and then at Lily. She stood with her arms folded over each other, one hand lifelessly curling up to twist a lock of hair idly.

Ann turned away and waved her hand up at the sight of Skip being led out from the lounge by Joy. He was brought over and Joy struck up a conversation with Ann as we waited for the lift to chime.

When it did, Carter, Lily, Cassie, Ann, Joy, Skip and I fled in and quietly zipped down to the first floor.

Entering the dining room, I expected to be handed five bucks and then hear the nurses say we could all scamper off for the buffet line, but after Cassie walked off and Carter tried to pull me away with him, Ann pulled me right back.

She said, “Tyler, I’ll need you to stick with me right now. I’ll take you and Lily through the line.”

“Oh.” I glimpsed up at Carter and he shrugged, heading towards the growing line.

“Uh, guess I’ll see you later? If you’re allowed, you know where I sit.”

“Right.” I watched him leave and dug my fists into my hoodie’s pockets. The realisation that I couldn’t wear a jacket in here dawned on me around the same time Ann noticed it on me.

“I’ll be needing that,” she said kindly, holding her hand out for it. I shook it off slowly, giving it to her. Unlike last time, I was prepared for this. Under my hoodie was my Parkway Drive jumper.

Ann told me and Lily to hang here.

When she was out of ear-shot, I hissed to Lily, “Do you know what’s going on?”

“You’re being put on watch,” Lily whispered back in a low, groggy tone.

“What, why?”

“They suspect you have an eating disorder. Do you?”

“No.” My voice faltered, but I don’t think she was alert enough to catch that.

“To them you do.”

I was about to ask her if there was a way out of it when Ann came pacing back. She gestured for us to follow her to the breakfast line and after a shared look, we did. Ann grabbed three trays and handed two to Lily and I.

We filed in behind her as she took us down the line.

She asked for two French toast sticks and an extra topping of syrup to go over them. As her order was dropped on her tray, she looked to Lily. As if on cue, Lily lifted her tray up, the same items of food being given to her.

Ann thanked the lunch lady for Lily then smiled at me, saying to her, “He’ll have the same.”

Uh. I will?

I watched her plop it on my tray and I muttered a thank you. We slipped down the line, Ann ordering for us the entire time. Our breakfast consisted of French toast sticks, applesauce, an oatmeal biscuit and, once we reached the end, a bottle of orange juice.

Eh. Not bad, but the insane hunger I was feeling before wasn’t here anymore. There was no way I was forcing myself to eat all this and that was bound to leave me with some consequences.

After Ann so kindly paid for our lunch, I spotted Carter at his usual table. I almost made a run for him when two things stopped me.

One - he is a peeping tom, so we have learned just earlier today. I shouldn’t be near him. What if he is homicidal? What if he plans to kill me at some point? I should stay away just in case. Thing is, the way he was when he had snuck in didn’t make him seem at all like he was ever planning on hurting me.

“You’ll be okay.”

The way he said it – and he kissed my forehead. It wasn’t an ‘I actually went in to bite your face off, but wasn’t as hungry as I thought, so take a kiss for right now, but I’ll be back’ kind of kiss. It was soft and sweet. Comforting.

Then again, I shouldn’t put it passed him.

Who knows what he’s really capable of?

And, two - Ann suddenly placed her hand on my shoulder and pulled me with her and Lily over to an empty table by the soft drinks machine. I could feel a set of eyes on me the entire length of the way and didn’t have to look to know it was Carter.

Ann placed me in a chair that sat me with my back towards Carter and took the spot next to me. Lily plopped into the chair across from me.

We began breakfast in silence. The only sound for a couple minutes was the annoying clanking of Ann’s uneven tray, tipping back and forth every time she attempted to cut a bite of French toast. Under that was several conversations going on around us.

I broke the silence first, asking Ann, “So why are escorting me all of a sudden?”

Ann frowned at me and sighed.

“We’ve put you on watch since you’ve gotten here to monitor your eating habits, and we’ve noticed that you don’t have good eating habits. You haven’t been eating.”

“I have,” I told her defensively.

“We’ve been watching you,” she reminded me. “You have been eating, but nowhere near the amount you should.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Never heard that one before,” she said sarcastically. Wow, guys, I don’t have a job anymore as a teacher. I don’t know why I just thought of that, but I’m sad now. I frowned and Ann exchanged a sympathetic sigh. She turned herself to me. “Tyler, you gotta eat. Not eating doesn’t solve anything; it just creates more problems. It’s not worth whatever you’re struggling for. Trust me. It’s not worth it.”

For some reason, what she said caused my stomach to tighten and tense.

I slanted my gaze down and said quietly, “But it helps.”

“No, it does not,” she countered, bending to meet my eyes. “Don’t listen to what your brain is telling you. Don’t be a prisoner to your illness.”

Not eating is dumb. I know that, but it’s…a distraction. Instead of thinking about how stupid I am, I’m trying to down an entire bottle of water to stop my stomach from growling and I focus on that.

I mulled over Ann’s words and nodded to let her know I accepted what she was trying to get through to me.

Ann smiled lightly and said, “Everything in moderation. We’ve got to ease you back into meals. Take in too much too fast and it’ll do a lot more bad than good. So, Tyler, I’d say we aim for one of the two French toast sticks – Lily, both – then at least three-fourths of the applesauce and a bit of the cookie for both of you. Orange juice…little more than half. Alright?” She looked between me and Lily and we both nodded.

The sounds of trays clanking on the table filled the air again as we gave a decent go at brekky.

Slicing off a bit of the French toast, I brought it to my mouth and unintentionally flinched my hand away. I didn’t think much of it until I tried to move the spork towards my mouth again. Instead of my hand backing away, it was my body.

You know when you’ve eaten too much but there’s always that one bite left over in the bowl and you want to finish it, but you’re stomach’s like, ‘are you fucking kidding me? no!!!’ so you feel like you’re about to hurl?

You know that feel?

That’s what I felt right now. Though this was the first bite of grub, I felt like I was going to vomit if I even bothered to try and eat it.

But, under Ann’s watchful eye, I forced the bite into my mouth and instantly felt my tongue get heavy and my throat tense as if I was about to puke.

Why was this so difficult? I didn’t think it was this bad. I guess I’ve been thoughtlessly eating. I never stopped to think about the food I was consuming. I blanked out on it, but now I was made aware.

I braved my way through a bit more than half of the French toast before having to fold. Ann patted my shoulder, saying it was fine; we could try for more at lunch.

I easily put away the applesauce, about half of the biscuit and all of the orange juice.

I wound up being the last to finish my food and quickly downed the last bit of juice. We indulged in time-wasting drabble until breakfast was declared over.

Ann grabbed my hoodie from the coat closet, handed it to me, and waited for Lily and I to stand and follow her to the doorway. Lily did, but, throwing on my hoodie, I stayed by the table, glancing back to see Carter shoving his tray onto the wash station. I had the compulsion to wait for him; we have work right after this anyway, but knew he wasn’t exactly the safest person to be around.

But hey, he could bring me my premature death.

“Come on, Tyler,” Ann urged. “We’ve got to beat everyone to the elevator or we’re stuck down here for ten minutes.”

You know what I just released? Her name’s Ann…Anna…rexic?

Anorexic?

She shadows the people that are having a hard time overcoming an eat disorder. Coincidence, author? I think not. (Author: No, yeah, it was an accident. srsly. oops.)

Oh.

Anyway – I hitched my thumb in the general direction of Carter and stuttered out my proposition. “Actually,” I said, glancing back at him. “I’ve got work with this bloke, Carter, right after breakfast. He’s right over there. We were told by Debra to come up to the nurse station straightaway. I was gonna…walk up with him – is that…a’right?”

I haven’t said ‘bloke’ in a real long time.

Sometimes, when I dead-tired, my true nationality comes out. I have a feeling this story will slowly become jam-packed with the ways of the ol’ AU. Speaking of, how many times have a said ‘mate’ recently? I’ve strayed away from that term, unfortunately. Don’t know why, but it happened. I used to say it loads.

I don’t know why I keep sharing pointless thoughts with you guys between dialogue, so…back to now. Ann shared a glimpse between Carter and I. It took her a second but she shrugged.

“Why don’t you call him over? He came down with us; he can ride back up with us, too.”

I spun ‘round just in time to meet eyes with Carter as he slipped his tray onto an empty spot. A dish washing chick took it from him and he smirked at me, straightening his posture. Carter smiled at Ann and Lily, walking over to where we were.

He raised his brows briefly at me, greeting, “Tyler.”

“Carter,” I echoed while Ann started a walk towards the hallway.

“You joining us, Carter?” she asked him. When he looked at me and smiled with a nod, Ann matched his grin and said, “Well, let’s get goin’. We may not be the first to the top, but at least not the last.” Out in the hall, we found Cassie, and were later reunited with Joy and Skip.

We were paraded up to a nearly empty floor. There were a handful of people in the lounge. Cassie made a run for it while Joy took Skip to the nurse’s station. Carter grabbed a hold of my forearm to follow their lead, but was ‘ah, ah, ah’d by Ann when she pulled me back.

“Rooms are off-limits after meals,” she said firmly, dividing a stern look at us. “Got that?”

Carter cut in with a short laugh. “Well, going into rooms is kind of our job. We clean them out.”

“Does a nurse supervise?”

I had no idea, so I shrugged and Carter nodded.

“Doubt they’d have it any other way.”

Ann kept her hard stare, but relaxed with a reluctant nod. “Alright. I’ll see you again for lunch.” I mumbled a goodbye to her and watched her pull Lily towards the main bitch’s office.

Carter didn’t hesitate to grab for my arm again. I stiffened when he completely missed my arm and went for my hand. He didn’t seem to acknowledge his mistake and dragged me over to the station.

He let go to lean against the front desk. A dazzling smile formed.

“Hello, Georgie,” he greeted the little lady on the other side. How many nurses are there? god damn. I didn’t recognise this one. She reminded me of Ellie, slick black hair up in a high ponytail and a big smile that drowned out every other feature of her little face.

Georgie grinned up at Carter.

“Hi, dear. Ready for a job?”

Carter tipped a nod up and down then at me. “I believe so,” he told her in a terrible cockney accent. Georgie laughed at him and smiled at me.

“I’m assuming you’re Tyler?” When I nodded, she pulled up a pad of Post-It notes from under the counter and paraphrased info from it. “I’ve actually got two rooms for you boys to clean out today. I’m sure you’ve heard about Lily. She’s being moved down to another floor. We have another girl coming in to stay in her room from the infirmary so you’ve got a hospital room to clean, too.”

“She is?” I asked in denial, referring to Lily, thinking back to breakfast. “I just ate breakfast with her. She’s leaving?”

“After lunch,” Georgie confirmed with a small nod. “I’m sure you can take a stab at which floor she’ll be moving to. Well,” Georgie pushed out a heavy sigh and smiled at us. She huffed again before suddenly shrinking as she pulled the lever on the swivel chair causing it to descend twenty feet.

When she stood, no difference in height was made and I gawked in astonishment as she padded out from behind the counter and over to us.

Little Georgie…was very little.

At an age that looked around twenty-four she towered at an amazing 4’7”.

“Holy shit,” I blurted out, tilting my head waaaaay down just to meet her eyes. I jerked my head up to look at Carter with wide eyes. I gushed, “She’s adorable!”

He laughed out and Georgie giggled.

“Aw. Thanks.”

“You’re so tiny!” I continued, unable to grasp how adorably small she was. How the hell is that even possible?

Reminding me now of Hunter, Georgie giggled once more, beginning her walk passed us and towards the rooms. “Try not to lose sight of me, alright? Do that and you also lose ten bucks today.”

We laughed and followed behind her as she led us down the hall.

I wouldn’t mind uhn-uhn-ing that.

Why am I suddenly horny? It’s not even nine a.m. yet.

It’s almost like Carter heard me because he grabbed my hand again and pulled me until our shoulders knocked against each other’s. When I whined, he smirked, tightening his grip.

For spite, I narrowed my eyes and yanked my hand out of his, causing him to frown overdramatically. I smiled and sped up my walk to catch up with little Georgie. She led us down to the particular door, knocked twice and got a response.

It opened to show the woman I saw sitting next to Lily on the first day out of my room. Late twenties, light olive skin, black hair, and half-shut eyes as she hummed to herself, tapping her index finger rhythmically against her chapped lips.

This was Lily’s roommate. The one that snitched on her.

Georgie addressed her as, “Candace, you know you’re not allowed in your rooms after a meal.”

Candace shrugged, flicking her hand behind her. We looked and saw the opened top drawer of the bedside table. She stopped humming to defend herself. “I put away my money, like I’m supposed to. I was just about to leave.” Georgie sighed at her, but nodded.

“Lock your drawer then go out to the lounge.” Candace started humming again and complied, walking over to pick up a key from her bed. As she bent down to lock the drawer, Georgie explained who we were. “You know Carter – this is Tyler. They’re going to clean out Lily’s things.” Candace offered nothing else as a response than a tense nod as she took a brief break from humming.

She started again while Georgie added, “We need this place open and inviting for Eden – she’ll be moving in later today.” Again, Candace nodded and stood, shoving her key into her front pocket.

She mumbled an, “Alright,” before shuffling out of the door. Georgie looked back at us with a big smile.

“Carter, you know how this goes. Teach Tyler.”

With that, she left the room.

Carter started towards Lily’s bed. I asked, “Why does she hum 24/7?”

“Candace? She’s schizophrenic. Does it to ‘drown out the screaming.’”

“Ah.” Seeing him pick up a plaid fleece blanket from Lily’s bed, I went over to pull the floral cases off the two pillows. “What are supposed to do with her stuff?” I asked, grabbing a lavender covered pillow case.

“Fold the blankets and pillow cases, make the bed, put all her crap into a bag and take it out to the nurse’s station.”

“Got it.” We got through the folding process in silence. It wasn’t until we started to collect all Lily’s personal belongings that one of us spoke.

Carter picked up a couple tubes of lipstick from Lily’s bedside table and stopped to look around quickly. He pushed out a laugh, saying, “I just realised we don’t have a bag to put any of this into.” He plopped them back down onto her bed and smiled up at me.

“I’ll go ask Georgie for Lily’s bags.”

I chuckled back at him.

“Alright.”

He jogged out the door and I went back to separating Lily’s things into categorised piles. I was surprised he wasn’t being so…him right now. We’ve barely talked at all since we got in here.

Hmm. Oh well.

I was torn away from adding to my sixth pile by everything suddenly blacking out as a hand cupped over my eyes. In shock, I dropped a rubber bracelet onto the bed and instantly went to pry the hand away when another closed around my waist.

The words “Guess who,” made me relax and I whacked my arm back to hit Carter in the gut.

“What the fuck?” I snapped at his smirking face. “I almost shit myself.”

“Ooh. Hot.” He still stayed with his other hand gripping around my stomach. The longer he refused to let go, the more impassive his face became. I raised my brow at him and he finally let go.

“Would you know I was gay if didn’t come out to you?”

I watched him walk over to the other side of the bed and laughed. “You mean if you weren’t so blunt about it? No. One, you don’t fit any of the stereotypes – besides liking the same sex. You look and sound ‘straight.’”

'Tis true. No twang in his husky voice to give it away or feminine gestures like hands on his hips or an elegant walk that my brother never left the house without. He had a really dominant way of carrying himself. No one would think twice about his sexuality. It seemed plan as day.

He seemed to be very, very straight.

Is it weird that I'm a bit happy he's not?

Carter had nodded considerately at my response, and chuckled before looking up at me.

“Are you gay?”

I looked at him then down at the bracelet I had dropped. I picked it up and set it with the others.

“No.”

“So I’m wasting my time, basically?”

I let a smile slip onto my face and shrugged. “No. I’m not gay, but I do like guys.”

His mouth formed a smile. “Oh,” he said happily. “Do you like any girls here?”

I answered honestly.

“Nope.”

He paused, eyes flicking up.

“Boys?”

“Nah.”

The way I said it made him smile again.

“Right.”

With the bag Carter brought in, we were able to disorganise my piles and throw them carelessly into it. We set everything onto Candace’s bed and made Lily’s neatly. After acknowledging our good work, we left to give Georgie Lily’s things, but ended up giving them to Debra since she was there now.

I greeted her and she smiled before taking us to the infirmary room Candace’s new roommate was staying in.

We found the room empty and Debra explained that Eden – I think her name was - was taken home to get some of her personal belongings and would be back within the hour.

Debra left the door wide open when she left.

We went right to work.

If serial killers were meant to be charming and smooth, Carter did not make the cut. He would do this thing where he tried to ‘impress’ me by throwing any object he could lift into the air up behind his back and over his shoulder to catch it smoothly. It did not go down like that. He dropped them eight out of ten times, tripping over them eight out of the eight times when they landed on the ground.

But that’s alright. The more dorky and clumsy you can be, the more personable you are. Which is unfortunate because that lead to me liking him a lot more than I should.

And then…we began talking.

Carter ruined the bed I had just made when he flopped down on it.

“Uh,” I began and he patted the spot next to him.

“Break time,” he announced, grabbing the pillow case from me that I was just about to fold. “Sit.” I stared at the spot he saved for me and slowly did.

We sat in silence until I said, “I’m bored.”

He laughed.

“Then let’s talk.”

“About what?”

“Why are you here?”

I held up my arms and let the sleeves of my jumper slip down enough to show the white gauze that cased both my wrists.

“Take a guess,” I said, eyes darting to them.

“But why?” he asked, glancing at my arms as I dropped them down into my lap. “Why’d you do that?”

I considered telling him. And sure as hell didn’t. Instead I gave a short laugh.

“I’m not giving you my backstory.”

“I want that front-story.”

At his smirk, I playfully narrowed my eyes. “Why are you here?” I asked snobbishly. “If I have to tell you why I’m here, you have to tell me your story.”

His eyes were solemn again and he shook his head, looking forward at the wheeled in TV.

“You really don’t want to know.”

“I think I do.”

“Are you a virgin?”

I bursted out laughing. “You’re such a guy!” I cackled into the air. I glanced to see him with this huge smile on his face.

“Just wondering,” he mumbled with a shrug.

“Uh-huh.” He seemed to let the question go, but, after scooting back until I was right next to him, I picked the conversation back up. I began reminiscing over the one I think he was the most curious about.

“My – it was probably my third boyfriend. This kid in my tenth grade English class. He looked like Liam Hemsworth when he played Gale in The Hunger Games. He was unbelievable, but he had braces, which was kind of a turn off, because...well, you get it, right?" BJ's? "I remember thinking that the second his braces came off, so would my pants. And a month later…exactly that happened.”

There was a brief pause as Carter smiled at me. Then he laughed.

“Mine’s a little less glamorous than that. I was sixteen and I knew him for two days.”

“It was honestly just like that when I had sex with a girl for the first time, except I was about thirteen and knew her for an hour.”

“Nice.”

“Classy,” I corrected.

“Never trashy,” Carter finished with a wicked grin. I laughed before I recognised that phrase.

“Where did you go to high school at?” I asked, pulling my legs up into the criss-cross-applesauce position.

In a deep announcer’s voice, he told me, “Troy High School – Home of the Troy Trojans. Why?”

“That’s where I used to work.”

“Really? What were you, like a janitor?”

“Might as well have been,” I laughed. “Is it possible for teenage boys to get up and throw something away or does it always have to be a mini-basketball game? And they never pick the trash up when they miss the bin. I have to.” I realised I was sooking a bit too much and sighed, staring ahead at the telly.

I answered his question after he snickered, “Damn.”

“I used to be an English/Creative Writing/Speech teacher.”

“Really? You were a teacher?”

“Yeah, hard to believe, I know.”

“Used to?” he repeated. “Why’d you quit?”

To simplify, I held up my arms. “Can’t work from here.” He nodded understandably, looking in front of him again. We were quiet until he turned his head to me and his eyes travelled down to my cheek.

“How’d that happen?”

“I tried to eat a whole Pringle at once. You know, same shit that happened to The Joker.”

He gave me a slanted look, scoffing out a laugh. He gestured to my throat.

“What about your neck, then?”

“I succeeded, but forgot to chew. They had to go in and surgically remove it.”

I was given another slanted look but he smiled, eyes roaming to his own arms. I looked, too, just as he pulled the sleeves to his black long sleeved shirt up. He tipped his gaze to me, holding up his left wrist, pointing his finger to the solitary pink scar running over two prominent pale blue veins.

“I did that a month after I got here. The only time I ever did anything like that.”

I looked from it to him. “Never did it again?”

He shook his head. “It’s not for me,” he said, chuckling lightly.

“Then what is?”

His smiled faded and he hesitated before edging the same sleeve up to his elbows to show a blurple bruise. I’d relate it to the size of his fist. I saw another growing green and yellow bruise on his inner bicep – which was a nice bicep, btdubbs.

But – gah. He did that to himself. He’d hit himself.

It's breakin' my heart.

Carter tugged his sleeve down, waiting for my response.

I didn’t know what to say. I’ve never been on this side before. I’ve never had to comment on someone else’s self-harm.

All I could get out was, “Oh.”

“Yeah.” His hand went up to grab lightly onto mine and he moved my arm to point at it. “Now how’d that happen?”

My throat tightened, but I made myself admit, “I tried to kill myself.”

“Both?” he said, reaching for my other arm. I nodded. He looked up at me, asking, “Can I see?” I yanked my arms from his grasp.

“No.”

He instantly began to apologise.

“You’re right – you’re right. Personal,” he reasoned. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not really that,” I said. “It’s more of – it’s gross.”

“Not trying to prod or anything, but frankly, I’ve probably seen worse.”

“Doubt it,” I straight-up LIED. “And besides, Nurse Jack-in-the-Box just rebandaged them. I’d hate to mess it all up and have to have her redo it again.”

Carter seemed to accept my hesitation and let it go. Then brought up one of our previous conversations.

“If I tell you why I’m here, will you tell me why you are?”

I bunched my mouth up into a line before shrugging.

“Yeah. Maybe.”

He hesitated and then said, “I’m schizophrenic.”

“You are?”

“Mmhmm. It all kind of got to me and I…” He did the cliché motion that people do when they say they want to kill themselves. He pretended to hang himself, sticking his tongue limply out the side of his mouth.

“How?” I asked, not ready to share my story yet.

There was the same hesitation. He said quietly, “I took an axe and put it through the front of my skull.” My legs tingled in disgust but I didn’t let it show on my face. For proof, Carter pushed his blond unkempt fringes up to reveal a jagged scar, much like the one on my cheek. It started at the centre of his forehead and tapered back passed his hairline.

He stuttered, putting his fists over the other as if he was holding the axe and placed it over the crown of his head. “I jabbed it there and…” He began to edge his hands down until they were right over the bridge of is nose. “And cut down to about here.”

“Why?” was all I could think to say.

He put his hands down and shrugged.

“It all gets so loud.” His voice quickened as he asked, “They never go away. Never. If they do, I still hear them. They tell me to do bad things. I never listened – tried. Only twice. One of the times was when they told me to kill myself. So I tried. And failed.”

“Do you still hear them?”

His eyes began to glisten and he made himself nod quickly.

“They won’t leave,” he said, his voice cracking. “No matter what I do.”

“What do they tell you to do?” I asked, now more curious than anything. I’ve never had that before. Carter looked at me and pushed out a dark chuckle.

“That’s the thing…that’ll scare you.”

My heart skipped a beat in my chest from the way he had said that. I was going to say he was probably right when he spoke.

“Bad things - cliché things. Hurt…people.”

“Like…kill?” He took a second but nodded. That was the thing that would scare me. If he’s sneaking into my room in the middle of the night…what if the ‘voices’ were telling him to kill me and that’s why he sits on my bed every night so far?

I swallowed hard and he opened his mouth to say something but we were startled by a knock on the door. We looked to see Debra. She scowled at us to get to work and we did.

We worked in silence, finishing the clean-up in about five minutes.

Carter picked up the piled of used blankets and pillow cases and told me to follow him out the door. I trailed behind him up to the nurse’s station where he gave Debra the dirty things. She traded us each ten bucks and told us we could be on our merry way.

I thanked her and started for the lounge but was pulled back by Carter.

“Do you smoke?” he asked.

“Cigarettes?” I said like the fuckin’ stoner I was.

“I’ve got a pack in my room,” he nodded. “Come out back with me.”

I looked at him then Debra and then back at him.

“We’re allowed?” I remembered Mr. Von Matterhorn telling us we could have smoke breaks and Hunter saying Carter took them frequently to think. Carter nodded again and I shrugged.

I haven’t smoked in while. Might as well reward myself with a smoke.

“Yeah. Alright.”

I waited out by the elevator as Carter went to unlock his cabinet and came back with a pack of Marlboro Reds.

He told Debra he was ready for his break, held up the cigarettes and she said, “Alright.”

We got into the lift and were taken down to the first floor. We were led down to the dining room then through the kitchen and out the back door. There was a large green dumpster directly out the door, but passed that was a parking lot and passed that was a field of grass that was enclosed by a large fence that blocked of the entrance to the big pine trees that made up the woods.

A little ways before the forest was an underground pool.

Ah, shit, yeaaaahhh.

But Debra and Carter didn’t make it passed the green skip. There were a couple chairs near the door and as Debra held open the door, Carter took a seat.

I joined him just as I heard the low sound of a train’s horn blaring distinctively in the distance. I noticed the hill running through a clearing in the forest and the track that lined the mound.

Carter took the pack of cigarettes from his front pocket and tapped the top against the palm of his hand. He did it twice before he flicked the top back and took a cigarette out. When he inched it towards me, I pulled one from the pack.

He set the pack onto the little circular table between us and asked Debra for a lighter. She provided one. Carter took it and lit his cigarette, then mine.

I know smoking isn’t exactly the best and people get so mad when you say it’s attractive but there’s just something behind smoking that makes it nice. The way a person seems so at ease when they smoke makes it so attractive. I love watching people smoke and do tricks like they’re in their own little world because they kinda are.

That’s sorta stupid, but whatever.

Carter inhaled a puff of smoke and tapped his index finger against his cheek, making the smoke form rings as they drifted from his mouth.

He seemed so relaxed and transfixed by the art show. When he grew tired, he would close his eyes and tip his head back, inhaling and exhaling the smoke periodically.

I matched his posture and pushed the cigarette between my lips. Breathed in smoke and serenity, exhaled all my worries.

Soon, I was calm, like this little cigarette was filled with smot or it was actually a pipe with a smidgen of heroin at the bottom.

I felt better. It’s been a while.

I sighed content, feeling my mind open.

‘Cigarette’ is such a nice sounding word.

Cigarette.

Cig-a-rette.

C i g a r e t t e.

It just sounds so fucking classy. I could say it every day.

“Are you scared of me now?” Carter asked huskily. I opened my eyes to see him flicking his index and middle finger up and down, knocking the ashes from the tip of the cigarette.

I looked at my cigarette, took a drag and said, “No,” though a bit of me was.

Short chuckle. “Liar.”

“I don’t lie.”

“Liar,” he sing-songed. “Everyone’s got secrets. Speaking of…” He breathed a puff a smoke and locked those eyes on me. A small smile appeared. “Tell me, baby, what’s your story?”

“Where ya come from and where you want to go this time, oh?”

Carter’s smile widened when I finished the the Red Hot Chili Peppers' lyric for him and he nodded.

“Spill the beans.”

“I don’t even know where to start,” I said honestly, bringing the cigarette to my mouth again. “I fucked up.”

“There’s more to it,” he pressed. I didn’t add on and he groaned, “Oh, come on. I just told you I think about killing people because 'the voices tell me to.' Yours can’t be that bad.”

“Kind of is. You have yet to act out your illness. I have.”

“What if I told you I have?”

“Killed someone?” I said, doing a dandy job at suppressing my horror. He slowly nodded and I saw Debra eavesdropping in the doorway. Her presence was what was really keeping me from sharing. Carter divulged some crazy shit to me. What I did wasn’t as bad, considering…

he

muRDERED

SOMEONE.

!!!!!

like what the damn.

I still was a stingy dude. “Tell me,” I said.

“Another story for another time,” he said with a headshake. “It’s your turn.”

“I really don’t know where to start,” I repeated honestly again. “There’s so much that led up to why I’m here.”

“Start from the beginning.”

“Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

“I got nothing but time,” he said laughing. “I doubt I’m leaving anytime soon. Spill the beans.”

I gave him a look but sighed, taking in another puff of smoke and tried to word myself.

I let it all out in a couple paragraphs and minimal to no dialogue tags.

“I had a shitty childhood – shocker, I know – with a battered mum, an abusive dad and his bitch of a girlfriend. Why was she a bitch? We’ll get to that another time. My life up until I was about seventeen was abuse, abuse, abuse – in just about every possible form. It sucked arse. So what’s a lad to do with all these terrible thoughts and the inability to tell them to someone and let them know I’m not the slightest bit okay? Well, self-harm, of course. I made my first cut when I was, oh, I’d say eight. Wimpy shit. I would undo paper clips and scrape up my skin. Then I found my mum’s razor blades. Didn’t touch them til I was about ten. Then I got a massive reason to. Dad’s a big ol’ ass – we’ll get to why later, as well. I cracked at the age of twelve and made my first suicide attempt. Big failure and those failures continued to happen periodically throughout my life. As expected, teen years were worse because that’s when I became aware that not everyone else’s lives were panning out like mine. Not everyone had an abusive dad, not everyone got raped and abused nonstop. I thought it was just me. I couldn’t figure out why it had to happen to me -”

Carter interrupted, saying, “Raped?”

It took me a second to realise I had let it slip out. I indirectly answered his question, continuing on.

“I hate him. I hate her. I hate myself. How could they do that to someone? How could they just…ignore me and hurt me like that?” I stopped and sighed before going on. “Sex was just the weirdest topic for me. I never used it like everyone else did. It wasn't ‘fun.’ It was a burden, but for some reason, I couldn’t stop myself. I would get with anyone who would lie down. Anyone. I couldn’t tell anyone why I was like that. When I did, people tended to take advantage of me for it. To them, it’s like I can’t be forced into sex, because one, I’m a guy and two, I’m inherently always in the mood. It’s dumb. Their way of ‘being there for me’ was fuelling the fire. The only person who ever…”

The rest of the sentence caught in my throat and I botched it.

“I could never tell whether or not I was trying to talk myself into relapsing. I shouldn’t care how people are affected; people forget, move on and whatever else is necessary to forget about my silly little relapses. Then again, I should care. I do care how it affects some people, more so someone but - that shouldn’t stop me, but it does, and it should. I just want to. I want to go ahead with it. She was honestly one of my best friends. She helped me through so much and I hurt her so much. I thought I could never live without her. I really couldn’t. But there was always that voice in the back of my mind that told me it was going to get better. Someday, the world won’t suck, but…nothing ever changed. It never got better. If anything, I got worse. I ruined everything.”

“You don’t ruin everything,” Carter whispered.

“Yes. I do. You’ve known me for, what, three days? Even if we were ‘best buds,’ that’s not what matters here. It’s not how others see me, it’s how I see myself, and how I see myself…is pretty shitty. I mean, don’t get me wrong; it’s nice to hear people say all these sweet things about you, but you’re not around me all the time; I am. I know the real me. I know all my cynical and messed up thoughts. I can’t get away from myself and my mind. And that kind of clouds the whole aura and illusion that could be me, because I know deep down my true intentions with anything, no matter how many times I tell them to someone else, I know the truth, and usually…it’s not for the best. It’ll always put a damper on how I feel towards myself, in any aspect, regarding my personality or my appearance. Anything. I will never see me as others do.”

Carter didn’t have to think about what to say.

He just mumbled, “I wish you could.”

“But I won’t.”

We went silent and I thought back over all I had just said to him. It’s strange how much I can get out to someone if I make it mindless drabble. If I stop and think about how fucked up I am, I keep it all inside and it just gets worse.

I felt a little better for telling Carter. I probably went into a lot more detail than he did with his story, but…it’s out there now. Maybe he could help.

“Everything just kept getting worse and worse,” I began again. “Six days ago…it ramped up so quickly. I went off the deep end like never before and now I’m here.”

“What happened?”

“I did the wrong thing to the right girl.”

I noticed Carter’s expression dropped even more than it already had. At what? The fact that I hurt the person I thought was ‘the one’ or because I was bringing a ‘her’ up?

Either way, I kept on.

“It got so bad and I hurt her so badly. I never thought I could make it without her. I almost didn’t, and now she’s gone. She won’t talk to me anymore. I miss her so much. I loved her so much. She’s gone. I can’t get her back. I want to relapse so badly, just to get it over with, but sadly, I can’t seem to fucking die. No matter what I do. I won’t die.”

Carter didn’t interject with anything. I didn’t stop talking.

“My mum always used to say, ‘When it’s your time, you’ll die.’ I guess it’s just not my time yet. Feels like it is.” I paused to finish off the last of my cigarette. “She was so unhappy – my mum. It was horrible to have sit there and watch her suffer. There’s was nothing I could do to make her happy. She was miserable and I couldn’t save her. Now she’s gone, too.”

Carter frowned, “Oh, babe,” leaning forward to press comforting kisses on my temple. The same ones he gave me this morning/last night. I felt myself calm down and I laughed, bending back to wipe the sleeves of my hoodie under my eyes just in case.

“What about you?” I asked him, getting all the attention and spotlight off of me. “How are you with your parents? Where are they?”

He wavered, face becoming grave.

“They’re dead.”

“Oh.” I frowned deeply. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” There was that dark chuckle he was quickly becoming famous for. “I killed them. With an axe and a lighter. And a gun. I shot them both in the knees then chopped them up and lit them on fire while they were still alive.”

I think the bewildered look I tried to suppress sprang thorough with no trouble.

So blunt.

“Oh. I-I thought of doing that to my dad and his girlfriend, but…never did.”

“I’m really fucked up,” he said. “That’s why I’m here. You know - sometimes the world gets so loud, the voices get so loud. I crack. They’re all out to get me and I let them win. I tried to kill myself last year. I put that same axe into my skull. Not deep enough. I woke up here the next day - my aunt brought me in. Haven’t left since and she hasn't come by to check on me.”

I’m that type of friend you can tell anything too but I won’t know how to respond and will probably just pat you on the head.

That’s all I could think to respond to Carter with. When I frowned and ruffled his hair, he cracked a smile at me, bringing his hand up to do just the same to my head.

“I think we’ll be good together,” I thought out loud, retrieving my hand back to squash my cigarette until the stream of smoke faded out. “I’ve never so easily told someone my life story like this. And you’re super fucked up, so I’ll always feel a little better compared to you.”

“That’s what I’m here for,” he smirked.

I brought my fist up and held it for his.

I declared as we fist-bumped, “Ride together, die together.”

“I just want to ride,” he said, wiggling his brows at me.

“And I just want to die. We complete each other.”

We finished half of another cigarette between us, put it out when Debra mentioned to us that lunch would be starting very soon. We heaved ourselves up and followed behind her.

And this time, when Carter’s hand knocked against mine, I caught it.