The Babysitter

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The next morning Ava woke with Fats curled against her chest. She groaned, she’d put baby lotion on the welts last night before going to bed, but she’d had a hard time finding a comfortable position. Fats hadn’t helped any, when she first lay down he set to licking and she couldn’t decide if it was because he liked the taste of the lotion or he were trying to help her. She got up, deciding to put it out of her mind for a while and get dressed for the day.

Billie got down to the hotel’s restaurant and the kids were tearing into a large stack of pancakes. He almost laughed aloud when he saw Ava. Her magenta hair was pulled into a low ponytail and she was wearing a thermal shirt in the ugliest shade of green he’d ever seen—it completely washed her out. Her face was scrubbed clean of makeup and she didn’t speak as he sat down across from her.

She was most certainly cowed and he was torn between satisfaction and embarrassment.

In the end, he helped himself to the dish of pancakes in the center of the table, drowned them in syrup and then grabbed some of the strawberries. Ava glanced at him covertly under her lashes before focusing her attention on the bowl of fruit in front of her. He smirked. “So what’re you guys doing today?”

“Ava’s taking us to see these people that beat on trashcans!” Jake was excited and he gestured wildly with his fork. A piece of pancake landed on the table with a wet thwack. Ava raised an eyebrow, but otherwise didn’t comment.

“Ava-?”

“Stomp is playing off Broadway and a friend of mine is in the cast. He invited me to rehearsal today, so I was going to take the boys if that’s okay.” She hadn’t taken her eyes off the fruit.

“I don’t know,” where had all her flirty confidence gone? “Was this man friend expecting to have alone time with you?” He was trying to tease, but his tone went flat and Billie wondered if it was because he was jealous, he was afraid he’d gone too far last night, or he didn’t want his kids going with her on a date.

She pinned him with those eyes and was silent for a long moment, she blinked once before answering. “I’ve known Kurt since I was two. And he’s been gay since we discovered Prince Erik. So, no. I won’t need alone time with him.”

“Oh. Good. I mean-“

“Excuse me, please,” Ava threw her napkin down on the table and rose stiffly. She walked in the direction of the rest rooms; he couldn’t help noticing that she walked oddly. Almost with a slight limp. This was shaping into a truly excellent morning.

@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@

“What’s eatin’ you, Bombshell?”

Ava stared up at her longtime friend and rolled her eyes. “I’m fine, Kurt.”

“You lie like you screw, kid,” he slid into the seat next to her, “automatic and lacking subtlety.”

“Did you just call me a bad lay?” Ava glared, then fixed her eyes back on the stage where Joe and Jake were getting a lesson in making noise.

“S’what I hear… not that I’d know from personal experience, mind you.”

“Right, you Friend-of-Dorothy, now lemme ‘lone,” Ava crossed her arms over her chest and slouched lower in her seat. Kurt put a hand over his heart and affected a pose of mock-pain.

“You wound me, madam.” He leaned forward, getting right in her face, “Now tell me wtf, Bombshell, or so help me I’ll call Cara and tell her you’re spending your time listening to Dashboard Confessional and eating Bushe’s Baked Beans straight out of the can. Remember what she did last time-“

“Okay! Okay, I give!” She tossed her hair, “Uncle, okay?! And did you just say ‘WTF’?”

“Yes, yes I did. ‘Net slang is the new black. Now spill, brat.” Kurt flipped his shoulder length hair and crossed his legs, waiting. Ava rolled her eyes.

“Like I’d ever listen to emo anyway, you know that shit makes you sterile.”

“You’re dodging. I mean it, Ava.”

“Fine. Okay, I’ll tell you.” And she did. Over the next fifteen minutes Ava spilled everything. From starting to date Matt, to meeting Billie, to the stupid dog, and even the tattoo, when she got to the part about the spanking Kurt’s eyes did pretty good impressions of dinner plates and then he just looked contemplative as she finished the events and started breaking down how she felt about each, “And it’s not like I loved Matt or something, but I dunno. And then this thing with Billie, he’s like… thirty-freaking-three and I’m seventeen and it’s not even really a thing. Seriously, Kurt, I wasn’t expecting him to do anything and then he did what he did and-“

“You liked it.”

“That is not fair, I did not!” She glared.

“Ava, you wouldn’t have come if you didn’t like it,” he reasoned affably, “and I know you better than that.” Kurt covered her mouth with his palm, “Shut up, Bombshell, I’m just getting started. You’ve always had a serious hard-on for anybody that stands up to you, and this guy does. In spades. But he’s old so you’re not supposed to like him and really all I see from where I’m sittin’ is that you’ve just proved the good Doctor Freud right.”

“This is not a daddy thing, Kurt.”

“Jesus, Mary, and Step-dad, I’m not saying it’s a daddy thing! I mean, it’s not like you’re replacing Tom, hell you don’t need to… I’m saying you, Miss Independent, want somebody to love. In a big way.” Kurt sat back, daring her to tell him he was wrong.

Ava sighed.

Kurt’s expression softened. “What do you want, baby. Be honest.” He poked her nose and she stuck her tongue out at him. Then settled in her seat and thought for a long moment. Kurt wondered if she’d answer at all.

“I just want to be held,” she answered softly, finally. He almost didn’t hear her.

“What?”

“I just- I mean, it’s not about the holding really, it’s about… I want somebody I can run with, who’s… strong. Stronger than me. Not like Matt-“

“That manipulative little shit needs to be shaved and tied spread-eagled to a-“

“He wasn’t that bad, Kurt, he was just… immature. I always knew when he was manipulating me. I just let him. I mean, he was fun to hang out with usually, I just didn’t realize that when it went sour he would pull all that shit.” She pulled her hair out of its tail. The fact that Matt had turned so many of her hard won friends against her still burned. Badly.

“But yeah, back to Billie,” Kurt cut in.

“He’s just… so different. I don’t know what to do with him half the time and the other half I catch him looking at me like he gets something about me I don’t.” She chewed her thumbnail.

“You are pretty special, kid,” Kurt sprawled an arm over her shoulder and Ava smiled.

“I know,” she grinned and he smiled, there was a little of her spark again, “But I’m only seventeen. It’s not like I can-“

“If I were you, I wouldn’t think so much about it.” He was staring at the stage, pretending he didn’t notice the tear that coursed down her cheek. Ava hated it when people saw her vulnerable.

“What do you mean?” She snuggled under his shoulder more, curling into him like he was an overlarge teddy bear and the arm rest wasn’t digging into her ribs.

“Well, if I were him, I’d be freaking out that I upset you right now. And I’d be waiting to see what you’d do, like is she gonna scream rape or pretend it never happened or what? Cause I gotta be honest here, Bombshell, you look like a war orphan right now. He probably thinks you’re gonna like, go on some huge depressive spiral over the thing. Let it roll. See what happens.”

Ava’d been weeping silently for the past fifteen minutes. But at that, for some reason the idea that something could actually happen set her over. She let out a quiet sob and Kurt’s arm tightened around her shoulders. “I just want to feel wanted again, Kurt,” she said softly, talking into the jersey knit of his shirt. Her friend laughed.

“Baby, I could list scores of boys that want you. But you care shit-all for ‘em. You want to be chased,” he lifted her chin, “By somebody that you don’t have to chase back. And hell, maybe this cat-“

“Ava! Whattaya cryin’ for?” Ava looked down, sometime during their talk the rehearsal had ended. The cast was leaving and there stood Joe and Jake, and Ava found, looking into Jake’s concerned little face that looked so much like Billie’s that Kurt was right. She really did want him. But she couldn’t go after him like she would anybody else. The hopelessness of the situation hit her.

She lost it all over again.