It Never Ends

Austin’s POV:

Oliver and I had decided to take a walk to grab some coffee from a shop down the road from where we were playing a show today. The events from the day before kept replaying in my head over and over again, and I was still unsure of why exactly I was going to end my life so quickly and without thought.

It’s been months since I've been in that dark mindset that I revisited last night, but for some reason Oliver’s opinion mattered enough to trigger it and send me back there. It was confusing for me, but I’m sure Oliver was much more confused than I was.

We were currently walking at a slow pace, my hands tucked inside of my front pockets, in a somewhat uncomfortable silence. I just didn't know where to start or what to say at this point, so we just continued on until we reached the coffee shop. I ordered a small coffee, still not having much of an appetite for anything, and Oliver suggested we take a seat as a bench outside. I settled myself on the bench directly across from him, and stared down at the coffee that I clutched tightly in my hands.

We stayed silent for a few more seconds until Oliver finally broke it with a loud exhale. I could feel his eyes burning into me, and my knuckles were turning white from gripping the coffee so hard. “Well, Austin, I've replayed the way I want this conversation to go so many times in my head now and I’m still not even sure where to go with it.” I looked up at him when he said this, and his eyes met mine with a sad look in them. He gave me a half smile before continuing. “I guess I’ll just wing it. Last night was a shock to me, but I guess it was kind of a reality check too. You’re a person, you have feelings… Feelings that are a lot like mine. Once upon a time, a few years ago, I was in the position you’re in now. I felt like things couldn't get better at all, and I assumed ending it was the best solution. Long story short, I was saved by my brother. He brought me out of my depression and taught me to love life, love who I am and what I stand for. He was the only person there for me, and I’m so damn thankful for him. Without him I’d be fucking dead right now. I’m still not completely better; I need help just as much as you do. I see our similarities now, and I’m ready to be here for you if you’re ready to be here for me.” He took a deep breath and leaned over the table, removing the coffee and replacing it with his hands. He gripped my hands with equal strength as I did, as I saw a tear escape his eyes.

I guess it was time for me to share my story with him. “I thought I was okay now, I really did. I didn't feel as depressed anymore and I was starting to really enjoy life. Touring has kept my mind off of these kinds of things, and I guess it made me think I was better.” My voice was shaky now, and I was holding myself back from breaking out in tears. It’s really fucking hard for me to talk about these things, but Oliver seemed to get where I was coming from. He has shared his story with me and I was going to do the same with him. I probably wouldn't have if he didn't catch me trying to kill myself yesterday, I guess he’s seen me at my weakest now. Telling him these things was a step up from yesterday’s events. “I-I haven’t cut in m-months,” I was crying now “But yesterday I saw my scars and… and everything you s-said ran through my head. I-I thought I was going to make everything better! I just wanted everyone to be ha-happy.” I was stuttering a lot now.

Before I knew it, Oliver was on my side of the bench. “Shh, it’s okay. Don’t continue, we can talk about this another time.” He wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head in the crook of his neck. I was probably getting tears all over the kid, but fuck it. “It’s going to be okay.” He was rubbing circles in my back, I was really fucking thankful he was here for me right now.

We sat there for a few minutes, until I composed myself and moved my head from his shoulder. His face was red, he has been crying too. “Austin, I just want you to know one thing. Tom was there for me during my time of need, he was my best friend, and he saved me and continued to be helpful and was always there for me. And Austin, I’m going to do that for you. I’ll be here for you no matter what. I know we started off on the wrong foot, but I regret that. We have a lot in common and I think we’re going to really get along. We just have to trust each other.” He looked directly at me and god damn his eyes were beautiful. He leaned in and pressed his forehead to mine, his arms still wrapped around me, before continuing. “You’re a great person. Forget everything I said before, I’m ready to put my trust in you.”

I had to put my trust in him. It was scary, the whole situation, but I know we can help each other. Friendship is key when coming out of situations like ours. I nodded and closed my eyes, “I trust you, Oliver.”

“Call me Oli.” He smiled at me, removing his arms and moving his head back. “My friends call me Oli.”

The corners of my mouth curled into a small smile as I looked into Oli's eyes. I really just hoped he wouldn't let me down like everyone else seems to.