The Enigma’s Anomaly

After a riveting day of driving around trying to find a Bed, Bath & Beyond, we finally found a place to pick up the basic essentials. New sheets, a duvet, cutlery, and shit and we now have a semi-functional house. Evidently all the TV needed was to be plugged into a different socket. I at least feel much better about that then I would if I had just been using the wrong remote.

“Remind me not to call you if I need someone to help me fix the toaster,” Mikey says.

“What on earth did you do to the fucking toaster that would mean it needed fixing?”

“I don’t know, but knowing Mikey, whatever he did to it, it’d have to be a brave little toaster,” Gerard says.

“Did you just allude to one of the most trippy Disney movies in all of existence?” I ask.

“I may have.”

I give him a judgmental look and then glance over at Mikey to see if he’s surprised how stupid Gerard can be sometimes.

“Don’t look at me,” Mikey says, “you’re the one who actively decided to date him.”

“You guys are mean,” Gerard pouts.

“I’m still not convinced that you don’t have permanent brain damage,” Mikey says, “You may want to look into that if you find Gerard in any way appealing.”

Mikey doesn’t really have many settings. He looks serious no matter what he says, and acerbity is lost in his words so that you have to just hope that he’s being sarcastic. Mikey is probably the only person who could say the phrase ‘yeah right’ without sounding sarcastic.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m awesome,” Gerard smirks.

“You just keep telling yourself that,” Mikey answers.

Honestly, I’m still dead on my feet from exhaustion so we head up to not long after we got back from the errands. Mikey says something about not being too loud, Gerard flips him off, a rampage of expletives ensues.

I lie down on the bed that is way too big, and I’m already starting to doze off when Gerard interrupts me with words.

“Are you sure you don’t want to do something?”

“I’ve only been out of the hospital for like three days Gerard. Give me some time,” I tell him.

“I’m not... ugh, it’s not like I’m angry that we haven’t done anything,” Gerard says trying to find the words he’s looking for. “I just don’t know what to do to help you, Frankie. I know you’re still sore from being shot and I understand, I do, and I don’t want to hurt you anymore then you’ve already been. I don’t want to do anything you don’t wanna do, but I just feel like I’m being... I don’t know, cut out of that part of your life because I can’t do anything to make you want to stay. I already have so little to offer you.”

I cannot believe Gerard is saying this. He actually thinks I’d lose interest in him if we don’t have sex or something.

“You’re a fucking idiot,” I say with a roll of my eyes and I try to bury myself further in the blankets, but when I do Gerard props himself on a pillow to look down at me with a serious expression.

“Fraaank,” he grumbles. “I just want to, ugh, I don’t even know.”

“Listen, Gerard,” I say trying to replicate the seriousness in his face, but it’s hard because I’m not really taking this situation very seriously, “I, Frank Iero, do not care about sex, almost at all. It is enjoyable, and I have enjoyed participating in it with you, but I don’t need it in a relationship to be happy.”

“You say that but-“

“Nope. Nuh-uh. I ain’t lying to you, okay? This isn’t a permanent thing either, got that? Right now, I don’t really want that in my life because I’m not sure I’m really ready yet. But, like I said, give it some time, let me recover from this, and I’m going to be yours in every way that you want me to be.”

“I feel like such a fucking prude though,” he says and falls back on the bed like his bones turned to jell-o or something. I would lean on my arm to look down at him, but I don’t think I can. Like actually I don’t think I’m physically capable of doing that right now.

“I have to take pain killers to fucking walk, Gerard. There’s no way I’m going to be up for anything for a while,” I tell him.

“But is there something I can do?” he asks with a miniscule voice.

“Not just yet,” I tell him.

We’re silent for a long time, but he’s not asleep. His breathing’s uneven and he keeps rolling around in the sheets. It’s kind of cute, but I just want him to suck it up and cuddle me. I know he’s not angry at me that I can’t do anything, he’s angry at himself that he can’t. He probably feels as hopeless in this as I do about everything else.

“You want to know something really fucking demeaning?” I say randomly.

“I don’t know, do I?” He asks without sarcasm.

I frown and say as seriously as I can manage, “my arms are practically useless right now. I can’t use either one because it makes my chest cramp up, so I can’t lift heavy things, or move things, and I had trouble with opening a damn door.”

“What’s your point?”

“I can’t even have a good wank,” I say bluntly.

Gerard snorts and I feel the bed shake as he moves around on the other end.

His head pops into my peripheral and I look at him innocently.

“Come here, you fucking dork,” Gerard says and he carefully pulls me against him and everything feels instantly better. Life feels a lot better with him there. He’s a very efficient person to have around when you’re looking for a big spoon. Just the way he’s tucking his head into my neck and the way it fits there so perfectly. It’s driving me crazy how much I love to be near him.

I wish I knew how good love felt before him or I’d have never have looked so down upon it. This is amazing, doing absolutely nothing. Having Gerard be there, holding me, like he somehow feels an ounce of the love I feel for him. A drop of the emotion I have for him would send most people sprawling on the ground. I don’t even know how I’m able to handle it.

“It’s actually really nice to just do nothing without worrying about being killed as much,” Gerard says.

“Yeah, we should’ve done this before I got shot,” I say.

“Frank, you don’t blame me for that do you? I mean if you did, I wouldn’t disagree with you because this is all my-“

“No, I don’t blame you. I won’t deny that this is partly your fault but no more so than it is mine. You did a bad thing Gerard, but that doesn’t mean you deserve to die. There’s nothing in the world that would mean you deserve to be dead.”

“Well, but you’re biased. How would someone else feel? What do you think Mikey would think?” he asks.

“I’m still trying to figure Mikey himself out,” I say. “You know he only has like four different emotions?”

“Three actually. Annoyed, neutral and pissed off.”

I chuckle and then try to reposition myself to be more comfortable and I feel Gerard’s hand slip under the collar of my shirt.

“I can’t help but blame myself for this though,” he says and I know that he’s referring to the scar on my chest. I’m kind of afraid of the little mark. It’s red, gross, blotchy and sticks out. There’s also an odd looking distortion in the tattoos there that I’ve decided not to focus on because it’ll only depress me.

“I told you I’d do anything to protect you. I never thought it would be so literal as to mean that I’d take a bullet for you, but I have and I don’t regret it. We’d have both died if I hadn’t used my stupid heroics, and I’m not sad about that. Think about it Gerard, if I didn’t have this scar we’d both be dead.”

“Still, I wish there was something I could do to make this better. You shouldn’t have had to spend three weeks in a hospital because of me, but you did and that sucks,” he says.

“I don’t want to sound cliché or anything but you’re company is enough. God, I sound like a fucking rom com character.”

“Hey don’t diss the rom com. Well, some, but not all,” Gerard jokes.

“Because 27 Dresses really is a quality film,” I answer sardonically.

“You’re only entertained if six people have been beheaded and there’s enough fake blood to fill a swimming pool.”

“Not true. If it can only fill a kiddie pool, that’s fine.”

Gerard snorts and buries his head in my neck a minute later.

“Night, Frankie.”

“Good night,” I say with a smile. It is a good night though. Gerard’s here, he’s adorable, and we’re not in any immediate danger so I’m happy. I’m not going to let Banks win that easily, and I’m certainly not going to allow him to become a senator, but for now I don’t need to worry about him. I just get to worry about Gerard and myself, and really, that’s all I’m after anyway.