Heart's Desire

"I can explain." Carter says standing up.

I have cried three times in my life. Too shed a tear was nothing for me but to cry like you wanted to die? Now that was my own 'crossing the line'

I was fifteen playing football with my brothers in the back yard. I broke my arm. I cried and cried and could not stop. My mother ran to me saying "dear its alright, don't cry I am with you" that keep me calm.

"How on earth could you explain this to me?" I question, salt water running down my cheeks. The rain has left its place and found its haven in my light blue eyes.

The second time was when I broke something yet again. But it was not my arm but my soul. I remember running down the cold hallways of Las vegas county hospital in search for my father. Salt water dripping down my cheeks and praying my father would be alright. I could not believe it. A stroke. Once again my mother was with me saying 'don't cry, he will be fine" that soothed me.

And now this. The third time. It was not my father nor my broken arm but the person who I loved most in this world. Carter Grey. He ripped me open and took my soul, my heart, and my capability to live.

"I can't do this." I mummer through my sobbing. With a smile I twirl around and ran out. No it was not my intention of running, but it was my intention of falling deep and utterly in love with a married man. A married man I did know who was married.

The street was quiet so was the beating of my heart, but I did not care if I had died I just need to live once more. My jacket flapping like the wings of a crow as I ran, and I ran to nowhere. Out of breath and out of love.

I slept with a married man. I slept with a married man. How stupid can one be? Romeo was never married to someone. Neither was juliet. Is my life more complicated than theirs?

With tears till in my eyes I walk in my dorm room grabbing my suitcase from under my bed. I need time to think. Time to run.

The force in me led me to the closet throwing all my clothes in my red and yellow suitcase.

The ringing of my phone I ignored. The pain inside me I have pushed aside and the guilt of my own existence I let it fade.

I left a note that just say "I am going home for a few days." That's about it.

My suitcase in one hand and my sorrow in another I left Stanford with a heavy heart. I can't face him. He lied to me.

*~*

My mother's face shows all kind of emotions through why I am here, but she shook it all aside and greeted me with a warm hug and a small smile. "Your room is still the way it is."

"Thank you."

"Dinner in a few minutes."

I nod walking up the glass stairs towards my old room. The sign on my door still says "Jessica was here" but in actual reality Jessica was not here, Jessica was in fact still with Carter.

It looks the same; but the smell was new. My double bed still the way it was; with the blue and red sheets on it. The poster of Guns and Roses still plastered on my wall. So was the rest expect my Romeo and Juliet Poster on the floor, torn and in pieces. See the irony in that?

The touch of his lips on mine still haunts me. The way he makes me feel. I still feel it the way-

"Jess?" I turn my head slightly to the door seeing my younger brother Chris. "You are home."

"I am." And I am sure the question on the Lawson's households mind was?

"Why are you home? Spring break is over."

I shook my head tapping my finger on my nose.

Chris sat next to me with a small smirk. "Who is he?"

I shrug helplessly. "You won't know him."

"But I do know you."

Spreading my hand over my face knowing I can't tell my brother. He will tell my family who knows Carter's Family. The spiral of lies has started.

"Damon."

"Damn it." Chris growls. "You know what hap-"

"I know Chris."

He sighed heavily standing up. "Dinner is ready." He walked out closing the door behind him.

Damon was never part of this. The part was I and Carter.

I miss him already.