Heart's Desire

Done! I place my pencil down with a heavy sigh. I am done with Junior Year! I rest my back on the chair eyeing the professor. I haven't seen Carter since Sunday night when he kissed me goodbye.

"So how was it?" Mandy asks as I pack in my final belongings ready to move into my new apartment.

"It was good." I chuckle slightly crashing down next to her. "So what is your plans?"

She sighed heavily shaking her head side to side. "I decided to move back to New-York. Brett brought an apartment and he ask me to uh you know," she shrug.

"Move in, wow. You don't look all to excited." I grumble grabbing the packets of skittles.

"Well," her manicure nail brush down her fringe as she narrow her eyes. "I don't know!"

Soft giggles escape my lips as I pull the packet open. "He is the only guy you ever slept with, I mean you two dated since High-school."

she gave me a pout as she seize the packet from my hand. "I don't wanna talk about me. I wanna ask you about Carter."

... "Huh? I have no idea what u are talking about."

"Oh please," she scoff softly. "You love him."

My phone startle both of us as we came to contact with one another. I pick it up seeing his name. She grabs my phone as her eyes grew wide. "Why did you not tell me? Here I thought u are getting back together with Damon!"

"Shut up!" I bellow jumping off the bed.

"I want to know everything!"

I turn my head towards her with a slight pout. "Google it- hello?"

"I miss you."

A huge grin spreads across my face. "Oh hey what are you up to?" Really did I just say that?

"You with someone now?"

"You know, my roommate."

Mandy rolled her eyes as she grabs the packet of skittles throwing it in her mouth.

"What are you doing this break?"

"Moving into the apartment. Why?" I inquire biting my lower lip.

"You. Me. New-York city. You did promise my parents."

"You want us to go on break together?" I can contain the excitement in my tone, or is it nerves.

"If you want to..."

"I would love to Carter."

Knowing there is a huge smirk on his face about now. "I will see you tonight."

"Wait what-"

There he hung up leaving me stunned. "You are sleeping with your damn English Professor!" Mandy yells.

"Yeah," I groan. "So what. Its not like I am marrying him."

"Did you just hear yourself Jess?"

I lean on the desk with my brow arch. "Yeah, point please."

"My point is if someone finds out like- I don't know the Dean of admissions you will have serious problems my friend."

"Don't," I point my finger angrily. "Judge me!"

"I ain't judging. I am stating. He will lose his job."

"Its not like I am in high-school and a minor. For heaven shake Mandy."

"Oh. My .God." She breaths. "You love him."

My lips turn into a thin line. I can't say it to someone. I only can say it to him. To Carter.

"You do. How? When? And more importantly what the fuck?"

"Mandy," a heavy sigh came to. "It happen a few weeks ago okay. I never thought something like that would happen to me. That man fell for me. He wanted me. I wanted him."

"I just don't want you to get hurt." She grumbles walking up to me placing her hands on my shrug shoulders. "You fall so easy. And now I won't be here to catch you."

"I will be fine. I promise." Her arms twirl around me.

"if this gets out i-"

"Yes I know." I say letting go. "I know."

"Just promise me one thing."

"Okay." I nod.

"Don't leave your heart with him." She says softly.

"I don't understand." I mummer biting the inside of my cheek.

"Carter Grey is something different. Remember what I said? That he is controlling, he is. Just don't give your heart to him just yet. Make sure you truly love him, makes sure he loves you."

I am not even sure he believes in Love. "I promise."

"So he said he loved you?"

"Don't you think its a bit to early for the L word?"

Mandy grabbed her bathroom kit and walked to the door. She twirls around with a heavy sigh. "It does not matter if you say it, it just matter if you feel it." With that she walked out the door leaving me utterly confused and for a moment warned out.
Carter cares for me.

He needs me.

But does he really loves me? Or is it just about the sex and am I leaving my heart unprotected now? For what the pure insanity of me thinking 'he loves me' even though I feel it when we make love-fuck, I really want him to say it to me. Like he meant it.

I want to give all my love to him, every piece of pixi dust I have. All the magic inside me I want him to have. I truly love this man. I really do.

The question still states; am I feeling blinded by his false pretensions and not able to see the dark looming cloud?

In other words am I to stupid to think he will actually love a girl like me? I mean come on me?

Maybe these few days I can actually know and God himself should stop me but I am going to dig deep into that head of his. I want to know.

I need to know.