Say You'll Never Change

A/N: GUYS OMG OUR WIFI BROKE I'M SORRY
I'M STILL ALIVE

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OLI'S POV:

I woke up that morning nervous as hell. Today was the day I was going to tell Tom that I still cut myself.
I know that I could just lie to Josh and tell him that I told Tom even through I didn't but it feels like the truth almost comes around everytime I lie. I also didn't wanna let Josh down. I really liked him. As a friend of course. I think.

Two hours later when I felt as if I was ready enough I dialled Tom's number and patiently waited for him to pick up.
"Hello?" he said and that knot of anxiety in my chest began to slowly grow tighter.
"Can you come over? We need to talk." I said, sounding a lot more confient and serious than I thought I would.
"Uh sure, I'll be right there." he said "Is everything okay?"
Silence.
"Well talk about it when you get here" I said before hanging up.
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As I waited for Tom to come I paced my appartment and tried to figure out the right words to say. I tried to imagine his reaction but all I could think was that he would be mad. He would be mad that I had kept this from him for more than a year. He would be mad for feeling like I don't trust him enough to tell him this. Maybe he would even blame himself. Maybe he would blame himself for not seeing what I was doing to myself.
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There was a knock on the door and I nervously walked up to it and opened up with shaky hands.
"Hello" I mumbled and he greeted me back before stepping outside.

We ended up sitting on the couch in the living room, me leant forward and looking down at my hands and him sitting with his knees pulled up. None of us said anything, I bet he was waiting for me to say the first word which I was too scared to do. I tried to shut out the fact that he was sitting right next and waiting for me to say something to keep my hands from shaking. The knot of anxiety in my chest was building tighter and tighter and I hoped to god that I wasn't about to have an anxiety attack or something. That would just make everything much worse than it already was.
"What's goin on?" Tom asked after a while as I hadn't said anything for about fifteen minutes.
"Is it Josh? Did he do something?" he asked and I shook my head quickly. This had nothing to do with Josh.
"Then what is it?"
I took a deep breath and tried to get myself together.
"There is something I need to tell you" I slowly said "please don't be mad"
Tom leant forward so he was in the same position as I was, only that he was staring at me and not at his hands.
"You can tell me Oli, I won't be mad" he said, noticing the seriousness in my voice and how drawn back I was being.
I glanced up at his face through my hair to find him smiling kindly at me, urging me to tell him.
"There is something I've been keeping from you" I mumbled and looked down at my hands again.
Fuck, how do I say this?
"Do you remember last year? When you found me when I had cut myself?" I asked nervously, tugging at the sleeves of my hoodie with my fingers as if they would randomly roll up themself and expose my secret before I had the chance to tell him.
"Of course" Tom said and I could almost hear in his voice that he knew where this were going. "Did you hurt yourself again?"
I turned my head away from him, not being able to handle the way his eyes burned into the right side of my face.
"I never stopped" I mumbled.
I wasn't sure if he had heard me but he must have since he grabbed my right arm a little too forcefully and tried to pull my sleeve up. I quickly yanked my arm away and tried to move away from him but he grabbed me again and pulled me back down on the couch.
"Oli what the fuck show me!" he yelled, scaring the shit out of me. The fact that he was suddenly furious took me off guard.
If my heart wasn't beating fast enough then it sure as hell was now. I felt as if it was about to jump right out of my chest.
"Let go of me" I said, a hint of panic in my voice.
"No, not until you show me your arms!" he said loudly and grabbed my sleeve again, this time pulling it up to my elbow and revealing all my scars and cuts.
The next 40 seconds were followed by silence. He also yanked up the sleeve of my left arm and said nothing. I couldn't tell what he was feeling and it was honestly freaking me out. His face was unreadable as he gently touched my more fresh cuts with his fingertips.
I felt something wet hit my arms and that's when I realised that he was crying.
I quickly yanked my arms back and pulled my sleeves down to hug him but just as I had wrapped my arms around his shoulders he placed a hand on my chest and pushed me away and stood up, quickly wiping away his tears.
He began pacing back and forth in front of the couch that I still was sitting on. I didn't know what to do and it honestly freaked me out. I shouldn't have told him. This was all a mistake. I should've just told Josh that I didn't even though I didn't. I knew Tom would be mad and the last thing I needed right now was for him to turn his back one me.
I quietly stood up and placed a hand on his shoulder, stipping him from moving around like he did.
"What the fuck have you done?!" he yelled and threw my arm off of him. His eyes looked wild and furious and it scared the shit out of me, I had never seen him this way before. Not towards me at least.
"I'm sorry" I just said.
"All this time you have been lying to me?! When I asked if you were doing okay you were fucking lying straight to my face!" he yelled and I took a step back.
I hung my head down in shame. He was right. I had been lying to him. I had been lying to him for over a year.
"Please don't be mad" I quietly said even though I knew he had all right in the world to be mad at me.
"Whatever" he said and let out a breath that I didn't realise that he was holding in. "I wanna be left alone for a while, don't bother to text or call me" he said as he made his way to the door. He gave me one last look before walking out of the appartment and slamming the door, leaving me standing there speechless.
What the fuck had I done? I had ruined everything. I shouldn't have told him.
Did I just lose my little brother?
I just stood there and stared at the door, wishing he would walk back inside again.
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Two hours later Josh called me and it took me a couple of seconds before I decided that it was probably best to just pick up.
"Hello" I quietly said.
"Hi. Have you talked to your brother yet?" Josh asked and I could hear people talking in the background. Since it was monday he was probably at work.
"Yes" I just said.
I was really hoping that he wouldn't ask about it but this was Josh so I probably had no chance in getting around it.
"How did it go?" He asked, sounding a little too cheerfull.
I suppose he guessed it went ok since he thinks Tom cares about me. Which he obviously don't, otherwise he wouldn't have just yelled at me and left after I told him something like that. It was obvious that he was tired of dealing with my shit and now was getting out of it.
"Not so well" I just said, not really wanting to go into detail.
"Why? What happened?"
Josh sounded worried now.
"I don't really wanna talk about it" I said and wondered why I had even picked up in that case since I knew that he was going to ask about my conversation with Tom. I guess I just wanted to hear his voice again, if that made sense.
"Uh okay. I get off from work in a couple of hours, can I come over to yours?" he asked "I mean, if you want some company"
"Yeah sure" I said and not so shorty after we had to hang up since Josh's break was over.
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I spent the next couple of hours watching TV with a pillow tucked against my chest and my knees pulled in. I felt like crying but that was probably not a good idea since Josh was coming over. I didn't wanna turn my shit over onto him so he would end up leaving me like Tom just did.
I was honestly taking this incredible well, I thought I would be laying sobbing on the floor right now.
There was a knock on the door and I slowly got up and put the pillow back on the sofa.
I opened up the door to Josh who was smiling slightly and mumbling an hello as he stepped in.
We ended up in my room with me sitting on the bed and Josh walking around looking through my stuff. I didn't stop him though. He hadn't been here before and I got that he was curious, it's not like I had anything to hide. I didn't really have much stuff, just some old shit from my past and a couple of photos of Tom. I should probably take them down now, since he obviously didn't want to be in my life anymore.
"How did Tom react?" Josh suddenly asked "I mean when you told him"
"He started yelling at me and then he left" I said and looked down on my hands in shame.
I could feel Josh sit down on the bed next to me.
"He'll come around" he said, trying to cheer me up. It wasn't working though.
"He said he wanted to be left alone for a while and that he didn't want me to text or call him" I said and shrugged, trying to make it seem like I really didn't care but it was honestly hurting as hell. I wanted my brother in my life. I needed my brother in my life.
"Maybe he just needs to think" Josh said "I promise he'll come back"
Too bad that he won't.
I just shrugged again and kept my head down.
As if Josh could tell I didn't wanna talk about it he dropped the subject and started talking about this concert that was happening next week. He asked me if I wanted to go with him but I quickly said no. I had a hard time going outside during nighttime, if I was to be in a crowd surrounded by lots of people I would literally have a heartattack and die.
He said that there is always next time which was true but I wouldn't be able to go next time either or the time after that.
I could never handle being around that many people at the same time.
I felt bad for Josh. I wasn't a very good friend.
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As the room slowly good darker and darker I only a couple of hours later had to turn the light on, glancing at the clock on my nightstand. Midnight. Had we really talked for that long? I knew that I should probably tell him that it was time for him to go home but I really didn't want him to leave. I really did want him to stay the night but he would probably think that it would be clingy of me and incredibly awkward so I just kept my mouth shut. Josh followed my eyes and looked at the clock.
"Shit" he just said and let out a laugh. "I'm sorry, I should probably let you sleep"
He stood up and I nodded in an agreement even though I was on the inside begging him to fall and break both of his legs so he could never leave. That is not weird at all.
I walked him to the door where he turned around and looked at me.
"Will you be ok?" he asked and I shrugged
"I'll be fine" I said.
I really wouldn't though. As soon as he would walk out of the door I would probably just break down and cry since I've had it built up inside of me for so long.
"Are you sure?" he asked "I mean, I can stay the night if you want to"
"Please do." I said, a little too quickly. That sounded a lot more desperate than it was meant to. He just smiled and nodded.
"We do need to go to bed though 'cause I have to work in the morning"
"Is it okay if we share bed?" I nervously asked "I mean, I don't have anything else"
"Yeah of course" he said and smiled.
I nodded and showed him the bathroom. There wasn't really much to show 'cause I just assumed that he understood how the toilet worked.
I gave him a new toothbrush and told him that he could use my toothpaste before awkwardly walking out and closing the door behind me. I waited outside of the bathroom until Josh got out and then I went in and brushed my teeth. I thought about taking a piss but realized that he would probably hear it so decided not to. I could wait until the morning.
I walked out of the bathroom and into my room. Josh was already under the covers, his eyes glued to the ceiling as he clicked with his tongue against the roof of his mouth. I raised my eyebrow at the way he had hung his jeans over my chair. It felt a little too organized to be him but chose not to question it.
I turned the light off, suprised by how dark it got and how the fuck was I going to find my bed without tripping, before slowly making my way to my side of the bed which I was glad Josh hadn't taken.
I quickly took my jeans off, because have you ever tried sleeping in skinny jeans it's horrible, and got under the covers next to Josh. I honestly felt nervous for some reason. Mostly because there was someone else in my bed and it wasn't Tom but also because this was Josh. What if I do something embarrassing in my sleep? What if I drool all over myself? What if I talk in my sleep? Oh god what if I for some reason had a sex dream. I hadn't had those since I was about 17 but still. What if I steal the covers and Josh gets mad?
I was cut out of my thought when Josh moved closer and wrapped his arms around my waist, nuzzling his face into the side of my neck. I froze. I didn't know what to do.
As if Josh could sense how stiff I got he asked me if I wanted him to move.
I shook my head and even though he couldn't see it because of how dark it was he must've felt it in my movements because he didn't move away.
I slowly began to relax again and closed my eyes, feeling myself slowly falling asleep in his embrace.