Falling Out

I slammed the front door, which was totally unintentional. I sighed knowing that someone is going to come barreling in here and wondering what was the matter. I sighed again after I realized I was still blown out of my mind from taking two more pills before seventh period. If this was how every day of school was going to be I might be calling Tyler sooner than I hoped to not.

“Are you okay?” Adrienne asked as she wiped her hands with a rag. I smiled at her.

“Yeah, fine. It was an accident.” I pressed my hand against the wall for balance as I proceeded to kick off my shoes. I lost my balance a couple of times and almost fell. Adrienne looked at me weird.

“Are you okay?” She asked it differently this time. It wasn’t out of concern like the first but more curious. I guess I was acting weird. Well, weirder than normal.

“I’m fine, again. Why do you keep asking me that?” She gave me a weird look. I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. I was being a smart ass. I needed to stop before she notices something is really up.

“Okay. Just to let you know, we will be going to Mike’s house for dinner tonight.” She walked away. I groaned. These people can’t let a day go by without seeing each other. I get that they are friends and band mates but, really? Give people space.

The door opened and two children zoomed by me. I don’t know why I was still standing there after Adrienne left. I don’t even know how long I was even standing there. My brain is a blur. Billie walked in and smiled at me.

“How was your first day?” I just shrugged before walking away. I climbed the stairs and closed the door of the room. I leaned against it and sighed really loudly. My phone started ringing, which made me jump. It was Donovan. I smiled and answered it.

“Hello?”

“Hey, what are you doing tonight?” Jump to the point why don’t ya.

“I’m going to dinner with my father’s stupid friends. Why?”

“I was having a yay-we-survived-the-first-day-of-school-without-dying hangout. We were just going to watch a movie that Felicia has wanted to watch and eat popcorn and just hang out.” I walked over to the bed and sat down. I frowned. I did want to go but I also didn’t at the same time. I really just wanted to stay in this stupid house and be alone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone and all I really wanted to do was be alone.

“I would much rather hang out with you guys than my father’s stupid friends who I see all the time. I don’t think I can get out of it, though.”

“That’s okay, don’t worry about it. We’ll just hang out another time. We might have yay-we-survived-the-second-day-of-school-without-dying hangout tomorrow night. I’ll let you know tomorrow around last period.” I tossed back and lied on the mattress, my free hand above my head.

“Can I ask you a question?” I asked.

“Sure, what’s up?” I sighed.

“Did I sound like a complete failure at life when I didn’t answer Mr. Altman’s question about not having a strength?” He was silent for a few seconds.

“No, you didn’t. I’m not gonna lie, I was taken aback by your answer but then I remembered you telling me in Alabama that you were sheltered. I guess you were really sheltered to be that down on yourself.”

“You have no idea,” I murmured.

“Amber, I just want you to know that even though we haven’t known each other that long, you can tell me anything. I won’t judge.” I felt my eyes well up and my throat ache with a sob that wanted to be released. I wiped my face.

“You don’t want to know anything about me, Donovan. Trust me. I got to go.” I hung up before he could reply. I sat up and tossed the phone on the ground. Tears fell from my eyes and made little wet spots on my pants. I hated this. I hated tears. I read somewhere where tears remove toxins from your body that build up because you are stressed. If that’s the case then I want them to stay in. I want the toxins to stay in my body and build and build and build until they kill me. I want to be away.

I glared at my butterfly box across the room. I sat there on the bed and tried to decide what to do. Should I or shouldn’t I. To do or not to do.

I got up, grabbing my phone off the ground and put it in my pocket, and picked up the box. I ran my finger over the edge, tracing the shape of the box. It was a pretty unique box that held something so important to me. I looked over at the door to make sure it was locked. I opened the box and pulled out the razor. I walked over to the full length mirror and lifted my shirt up, revealing my stomach. Flashbacks of my uncle’s hand holding-grabbing my waist as he betrayed flashed; my aunt making me take my clothes off as she hit me with the belt that wrapped around my whole body when she swung it at me appeared. I shook my head slightly, my eyes squeezed shut. I opened my eyes and looked at my body again. People always thought I was anorexic because how skinny I was. I touched the ridges of my ribs that were so apparent. Kicks. So many kicks.

I had enough of it. I took the razor and cut the side curve of my stomach. Six even horizontal lines down. Deep lines. Long lines.

I bit my lip, inhaling sharply. The skin was much more tender than I had predicted. Blood spilled from the cuts faster than I anticipated. I quickly put my shirt back down, watching the blood appear through the fabric. I looked down and saw a single droplet on the beige carper. I grabbed my razor and got on my knees. I took the razor and cut the piece of bloodied carpet out. I stared at it for a few minutes before I put my razor and the cut carpet back in my box and closed it. I walked over to the closet and realized that I was out of black shirts.

“Crap,” I said under my breath. I pulled out the darkest shirt I could find, which was a deep red, and a tank top. Might as well double up. I grabbed some comfortable pants and some undergarments. I walked out of the room and ran to the bathroom, glad I wasn’t seen. I locked the door. I sat my clothes on the counter and took off my clothes. I was still dazed from the high of the pills and aftershock of the cuts. I inhaled sharply through my teeth as I pulled the stuck shirt off of me. I started the shower and got in, gently wiping my body clean of the blood. The sting of hot water against the cuts didn’t bother me as much as they usually did. I was getting used to it.

When I was done getting dressed in the room the relief had faded from the cuts but the pills were still there, barely holding on. I didn’t feel anything anymore. Just there. I hid my shirt in the dirty clothes that I had accumulated and mentally reminded myself to clean my clothes later tonight. Right when I got done putting my wet hair in a bun, Billie knocked on the door as he opened it.

“Hey, I thought I heard the shower running. Why’d you shower?” I just shrugged. He walked over and sat on the bed.

“What’s up? You haven’t talked to me today. Did something bad happen at school?” I didn’t talk to him most days. What made this one so special?

“No. School was fine,” I stated simply. I turned around and faced him, crossing my arms.

“That’s good.” We were silent. Awkward silence. He stood up.

“Look, I know you had an off day, I called your teachers to make sure you were okay-” My mouth dropped open.

“What? Why would you do that?!” I put my hands over my mouth. I can’t believe I just yelled at him. Billie was shocked, like really shocked. His eyes were wide and eyebrows up. He looked really taken aback by my outburst. He was clearly mad at me, as well.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you. Please forgive me,” I apologized.

“Calm down, Amber. It’s normal for teenagers to yell like that.” I shook my head. For some reason that made me angry.

“How many times do I have to tell you that I am not normal?! Don’t tell me to calm down! Stop stalking me with my teachers and just get out of my room!” Billie stared at me for a few moments and it scared me. He had that look that Carol would get before punching me in the stomach or face. He was angry. But he did something that shocked me. He walked out and slammed the door. Anger started bubbling in my stomach. Why didn’t he hit me? I made him angry and he just stood there and stared at me. He didn’t do anything to me. What was wrong with him? That’s what happens when you make someone mad, you hit them. Why didn’t he do it?

I grabbed the first thing in arms reach and threw it against the wall. It was this random figurine that was in here before I moved in. I sighed and walked over to where the broken mess was. I got on my knees and began picking up the fragments. I stared at the broken pieces in my hands and they made me angry. Furious. I threw them back down. I stood up and grabbed my wallet and keys. I wasn’t going to this stupid dinner with his stupid friends. I’m going to do whatever the hell I want for once in my damn life.

I stormed down the stairs and went to the front door. I started putting my shoes on when Billie appeared.

“Where are you going?” He asked calmly. I didn’t say anything as I struggled with these high tops.

“Amber, where are you going? If you don’t tell me I’ll-”

“You’ll do what, hit me? Beat me till I’m almost dead? Good, do it.” I cut off. I stood straight up and tried to calm myself.

“I’m going to Donovan’s house,” I answered calmly. Billie shook his head.

“No, you are not. You are coming with us to Mike’s house for dinner.” I leaned against the wall and tried to slow my heart down from the anger I was experiencing.

“Why did you call my teachers? You had no right.”

“I knew I wouldn’t get a straight answer from you because you don’t talk to me. You either go to your room and stay there forever or down to the basement and listen to music. The only person you sometimes reveal things to is Tre and that pisses me off.” I didn’t say anything. I just stared at my shoes.

“Why didn’t you go to your second period class?” He asked. I just shrugged. I had every intention in going and presenting my late slip but when I saw that Tyler was in there I didn’t want to see him, especially after our meeting in the girl’s bathroom. It literally freaked me out that he knew that I was taking pills without even speaking to him and that he guessed what had happened to me. He might have quickly googled my name after class and figure out what had happened to me. Either way, he knew too much and I didn’t want to be around him. But I kept his number. After I discovered pills the single act of cutting wasn’t going to be enough. I needed both and that scared me.

“Jesus, Amber. I give up. Talking to you is like talking to a brick wall. You are going to Mike’s house tonight. No objections on it even though you probably won’t say anything to object.” He walked away. I slid down the wall and lifted my legs up to my chest. I hated being here. I hated being anywhere. I wanted Mom back.

“Sweetie.” Adrienne sat by me. She wrapped an arm around me and brought my closer to her. I didn’t like this. I didn’t like her touching me but I didn’t say anything to her. I didn’t want her to be mad at me, too.

I don’t know what was going on with me today. I was being defiant by skipping class, rude to Billie, and was snapping at everyone. It was very strange.

“I’m good,” I told Adrienne as I pulled away from her. I stood up and wiped my face.

“Don’t listen to Billie. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. He just all of a sudden got a teenage daughter a few months ago and he’s still trying to figure all this out. He’s just fussy.” She said as she rubbed my shoulder. I just nodded, not wanting to talk. She sounded like Jim sometimes when Carol would beat me so bad that I couldn’t walk. After he made excuses he then proceeded to rape me. I walked away from her and into the living room where the boys were playing on their portable game players. I sat next to Jakob.

“What are you playing?” I asked him. He paused the game and gave me a huge smile.

“Mario. It’s a cool game! Have you ever played Mario?” I shook my head. He gasped really dramatically.

“Really? It’s the best game ever!” He handed me his game player. He pressed a button to make it start back up again.

“Press ‘a’ to jump and when you eat a-a flower that makes you have powers where you can shoot fire balls at the evil people. You press ‘b’ for that.” I did as he told me and managed 51 seconds before I died. I handed it back to him.

“Darn, I died.” He laughed.

“It’s okay, Amber. I have a TON of lives.” And with that he went back to playing. I sat there and watched him until Billie said it was time to go. We all got up and got into the car.

“Alright, what shall we listen to?” Billie asked the car. I just stared at the window, not answering.

“Simple Plan,” Joey shouted. I heard Billie rummage around before finding what he was looking for. A few seconds later the musical styling’s of Simple Plan sounded from the speakers. I had never heard of this band but they sounded pretty decent.

In no time we were at Mike’s house. I’d never been here before but it was a mansion just like Billie’s house except his seemed grander and dramatic where as Billie’s was a little on the cookie cutter style. I followed everyone in. When I spotted the living room I immediately went there and sat on the big couch. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to people and I was afraid if I opened my mouth again I would be smart. But that didn’t stop Tre from coming over here and sitting next to me.

“I hadn’t seen you in forever. Did you get my text?” I nodded.

“So how was it? School, I mean.” I didn’t answer. He lifted an eyebrow at me.

“Okay, what’s wrong? You usually talk to me. Was school that bad?” I shrugged.

“Why don’t you ask your good ol’ pal Billie. He practically stalked my teachers to find out.” Tre snorted.

“He did not. Wait, really?” I nodded. Tre turned his head to look at Billie before looking back at me.

“That’s kind of funny, don’t you think?”

“How’s that funny?” Tre smiled.

“It’s funny because his Mom did that to him when he kept getting suspended from school when he was a junior. He got so mad. But I guess he thought that was the way to go with you.” I didn’t say anything. I started to think about Billie’s mom, whom I haven’t met yet. If I had to choose anyone in the world to meet out of his family I would choose him mom, my grandmother. I never met my grandparents because they died when Mom and Carol were young. Gran, which was what Mom and Carol called their grandmother and it just stuck with me, took them in and raised them. When Gran got sick with cancer Mom and I moved in with her to help her. I was really closed to her and was sad when she had died. A half a year later Mom died.

“What’s Billie’s mom like?” I asked randomly.

“She’s pretty awesome. She put up with the band shit for years and supported us even though she thought we weren’t going anywhere with it. She and Amanda were close.” I looked down at my shirt. Of course my mom was close to her. She seemed to be close with everyone. I wish I was more like her. From what I remember and she was full of life. She always smiled and tried her best to be strong for everyone.

“I’m surprised Billie hasn’t brought you to meet her yet. She’s been bugging him enough.” I looked at Billie who was in the open kitchen talking to Mike about something funny because he was laughing. I wonder why he hadn’t brought me to go see her. It kind of pisses me off.

“I’m not surprised. He’s probably ashamed of me.” I looked at Tre. “I don’t even think he wants me anymore. I’m just a burden to him that got dropped on his front porch without warning.”

“Did he say something to you?”

“Was he even going to tell the world about me if he didn’t get caught by that magazine?” I asked Tre. His shoulders slumped down and he sighed low. I shook my head, feeling more pissed off.

“Of course he wasn’t. He didn’t want to look like the bad guy, huh?”

“Amber, he didn’t know if he should or not. He wanted to have time to think-”

“He was never going to say anything. Stop making excuses for him.” I got up and walked up the stairs, not having a clue where I was going. I just wanted to find a bathroom or bedroom so I could lock myself in. I didn’t want to talk to anyone anymore. I am always left disappointed when I do.

I opened a random door and walked in. It was a guest bedroom, good enough I guess. I closed the door and locked it. I didn’t even bother turning on the lights. I slid down the down and sat down. I took my phone out and searched Donovan’s number through my contacts. I pressed the green button and put the phone to my ear. It rang a couple of times before he answered.

“Hello?” I could hear the sounds of explosions in the background. I forgot he had company over.

“Is this a bad time?” I asked. I heard rustling and then a door shut. The background was quiet now.

“No. What’s up?” I inhaled deeply to try to keep the tears down. That didn’t work.

“Have you ever felt like you just wanted to give up?”

“What kind of give up? Like give up a little when something gets too overwhelming or give up on people or just give up on life, completely?”

“All of the above. Especially the last two.” My voice was breaking. He could tell I was crying.

“All the time. Doesn’t mean I have, though. When it comes to people you just have to realize that they are that, just people. Doesn’t matter if they are your parent or sibling or friend. They make mistakes.”

“Have you ever had anyone give up on you?”

“Amber, who said that they wanted to give up on you?” Tears rolling down like a river. It was frustaraing.

“My father. He’s mad because I don’t talk to him. I don’t talk to anyone. I can’t talk to anyone most of the time. It’s been ingrained since I was seven to never talk out of place or to anyone because no one wants to hear me talk. I can’t change over night with that. He expects me to talk to him about school and how my days are going and what’s going on with me. It just frustrates me. He’s pushing me too much and it’s driving me crazy.”

“What made you like that, Amber? What happened to you when you were younger?” I leaned my head against the door.

“Please don’t make me say it. I don’t want you to know that part of me. Please.”

“Okay, I’m sorry for pressing. The only thing I can tell you then is to tell him what you just told me. Tell him that you’ve only known him for a short while and you need to get comfortable before you can talk to him. Be honest.” I wiped my face.

“Okay,” I whispered.

“Amber?”

“Yeah?” I mumbled.

“Don’t give up on life. I know at least one person who still wants you around to get to know you.” I couldn’t help it. I smiled.