Falling Out

Four weeks went by fast and I found myself taking more and more pills. Tyler was right, I would run out soon, soon being a week ago, and I didn’t like it. Because I had run out, I had managed over 50 (an estimate) new cuts all over my body and it still didn’t compare. All it did was make me feel more guilty, more ashamed, and want my want for pills increased. Every time I would move the fabric would rub against the new cuts on my body and I would wince or bite my inner cheek in slight pain.

“Are you okay?” Donovan asked me first period. I shook my head. This past week I had went from pale to paler, eyes dark because I haven’t been sleeping, and wanting to claw at my own brain out to stop the pain it was causing me. To put it bluntly, I looked terrible.

“I’m not feeling well.” It wasn’t a total lie. I really was sick. Just a different sick. It was hard to stave off the need for them.

“Do you need to go home?” I shook my head. I had been feeling like this for days now. I’ve been in this state of a sweaty cold and headaches. Nausea was also a part of it. Right now I was feeling hot and I was so tempted to take my clothes off and swim in a tub of ice water. And I definitely didn’t want to go home. To say that the way I’ve been acting hasn’t gone unnoticed is an understatement. I’ve been more snappy at Billie and Adrienne and Tre is really worried about me. They were tempted to take me to the doctor but I told them that I am NOT going back to doctors. I hated the doctors. It’s gotten to the point where the only person who I really want to be around all the time is Donovan. I’ve been going to his apartment almost every day after school this past week and hung out with him until Billie texts me to come home. To be honest, the only reason why I’ve been going to his house is because we smoke pot which helps with the shakes and makes me eat. Thank God Lenox works two jobs and is hardly ever over there.

“Are you sure?” He asked. I nodded. Concern never left his face when Mr. Altman walked in with a big smile planted on his face which made me want to vomit even more. We haven’t gotten a long that much. He’s always asking me to do math equations on the board and asks me up to his desk after every class. He’s either “checking in” with me and my “therapy sessions” which is non-existent or to tell me that this past week my math quizzes have been failing. I haven’t been able to concentrate because of how sick I’ve been feeling. After he took attendance, he began speaking.

“Alright, guys. Today is a good day. It’s a good day because it’s pop-test day!” Everyone groaned. He started passing out papers. I hated when he did this. He’s given random tests these past weeks. I generally did well on them but I haven’t been paying attention to him this week. And he was going over logarithms. Mr. Altman stopped at my desk, looking concerned.

“Are you okay?” I nodded and took the test. He didn’t press further.

“Alright guys, you have the whole period. Good luck.” I literally stared at the test in front of me. I had no clue what was being asked of me to do. I was snapped out of my trance when the bell rang. I blanched when people started getting up. I didn’t even write my name on my test. I was literally about to cry. I felt so pressured and overwhelmed.

“Amber.” I looked up and saw Donovan. He looked very concerned for me. He looked between my eyes and my test.

“I didn’t do anything,” I said to him, tears pricking my eyes. Felicia looked concerned but she didn’t say anything. She dropped her test off and left. She couldn’t be late for class again or she would get suspended. I got up and grabbed my stuff. I looked at Mr. Altman and sure enough he was staring at me. I turned around and wiped my face. I grabbed my blank test and walked up to his desk.

“Donovan, can I speak with Amber alone? Can you shut the door on your way out?” He nodded, squeezed my elbow, and walked out. I didn’t like the door shut. It made me nervous. The doors had one long, vertical window but I was still nervous.

“Why is your test blank?” I shrugged my shoulders.

“I’m very concerned about how you’ve been acting lately. You’ve looked so sick these past couple of days and I’m worried about your self-esteem.” What the hell? My self-esteem? That escalated quickly and really, really randomly. I hated that he was giving me so much attention. It literally made me uncomfortable. He took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose out of frustration.

“Look, I can’t help you if you won’t talk to me.” He sounded like Billie and it pissed me off. It pissed me off so much that I slapped the test on his desk. He looked taken aback.

“I didn’t ask for your help. I didn’t ask for your concern. Stop being a creeper and leave me alone with this shit.” Mr. Altman didn’t say anything for a few minutes. The tardy bell rang. He wrote another late slip for me and handed it to me.

“You have detention starting Monday. You do not talk to me like that, Amber. I am your teacher.” I took the slip and walked out. When I walked into my second period class, everyone stared at me. Ugh. I handed Mrs. Parnes my slip and sat down. As she droned on and on about Poe I started to feel more and more sick. Eventually I couldn’t take the nausea and asked for the restroom pass. I ran to the bathroom and threw up. When I walked out of the stall, Tyler stood there. I walked past him to wash my mouth out. I looked at him through the mirror. He was smirking. Deviously smirking.

“You don’t look so well.” I didn’t say anything. I simply glared at him through the mirror. I loved how he just thinks he can waltz right in the girls bathroom without contemp.

“Fuck you.” He chuckled at that. He walked closer to me.

“From the looks of you, you’ve been out for quite some time, am I right?” I rolled my eyes.

“What tipped you off? The fact that I’ve looked like shit these few days or the fact that you’ve just walked in on me spewing my guts?”

“Look, I need you to turn around and face me and not be such a smart ass.” I did what he told. I crossed my arms. He smirked all of a sudden and pointed at the side of my stomach.

“You have a few specks of blood seeping through your shirt.” My stomach dropped. I quickly examined my white long sleeve shirt. There were, indeed, speckles of blood on it where I had cut last. I couldn’t help it, I started crying. Not hysterical crying but just crying. I turned around to the mirror lifted my shirt, not caring that Tyler was in there to see my scars. His face changed then when he saw my stomach which was laced with even more cuts. I grabbed some napkins and dabbed the cuts to rid the blood.

“Jesus. You’re really fucked up, aren’t you?” I didn’t say anything. I heard him sigh. I turned back to him.

“Look, how many are you on a day?” I sighed and counted in my head. Three in the morning; three before school ends; and two after dinner.

“Eight a day.” His eyes widened but his shocked expression was replaced with satisfaction.

“Wow, eight. How long have you been on them?”

“About three months.” He shook his head in disbelief.

“You are really fucked up. Anyway, because I feel sorry for you I will give you two weeks worth of my best stuff for free.” He pulled out a bag of white pills. My heart thudded in anticipation. I needed them. He started opening the bag

“I’ll give you three now and give the rest of them to you later. The other reason why I am giving them to you for free is because I am going to be making a lot of money off of you.” He handed me the three pills. He then pulled out a straw and a razor.

“Crush one and a half and swallow the rest.” I did what he said. I gave him his tools and he smiled.

“There is a catch.” I turned to look at him.

“What? Do I have to have sex with you?” He smirked.

“No. Not now at least.” I felt like I was going to vomit again.

“You have to come to my party tonight. You can bring whomever you want or just bring yourself. That is where I will give you the rest of your beloved pills.” I simply nodded, not looking at him. I heard him step closer. I felt the outside of his fingers start to caress my cheek. I jerked away. He just laughed.

“I’ll see you tonight at ten, little freak. Oh, here’s my address.” He held out his hand with a piece of paper. When I didn’t take it he flicked it at me and it slowly fell to the ground. He walked out. I let out the breath that I was holding. I turned around and faced myself in the mirror. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Of course, I really never knew who I was before. Well, that’s a lie. I was Amber Benson. That’s it. Now? I’m not even sure if I was her anymore. I guess this was the new me, Amber Nobody.

I quickly wiped the tear that fell. I took the hair band off my wrist and put my hair up in a bun. I was still hot.

I can’t wait to be gone.

*
“So you coming over after school?” Donovan asked as he entered our last period class. He put his book bag on the table and sat next to me. I looked up and saw Tyler walk in. He just smirked at me before sitting back down. I looked back down.

“Not today. I have to go home.” Donovan frowned but nodded.

“Okay. You look a lot better by the way. Did you take something.” Yes. Some unknown white pills that I got from someone who you, Felicia and everyone seemed to hate. No big deal.

“No, I just went to the bathroom and, um...”

“Threw up?”

“Yes, and it made me feel better. I guess that’s a thing.” Donovan nodded. The tardy bell rang and our science teacher walked in. She smiled at everyone.

“You guys will be watching a film during this period. I have some errands to run but Mr. Altman will be in here periodically to make sure you guys didn’t cut out early. I want a 500 word essay on what you guys watched on Monday.” She took out a VHS and put in the VCR. She turned off the lights and walked out. Everyone started talking.

“I wish you could come tonight. Chuck has something to do with his mom and I don’t want to be stuck with Felicia all night by myself. She’s practically crazy.” I laughed and started doodling on my paper. Thank goodness I already saw this film at my old school.

“She’s not crazy. She’s awesome.” He looked at me suspiciously.

“You are a lot better. Giving out compliments and whatnot.” I bit the inside of my lip. I was feeling a lot better but I needed to try and tone it down. So I just shrugged and continued my doodling. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Donovan write something. Huh, he was left handed, interesting. A few seconds later a piece of paper landed on my doodles. I smiled at what I read.

Not to be forward or anything but...I like you :)

It really did make me smile. But I was having trouble distinguishing the smile between pill induced and it being genuine. Maybe it was a mixture of both. I was also having conflicted feelings because I was lying to him about me needing to go home. I was going to someone’s house that Donovan generally hated. Hated. But I did have what I only assume would be like feelings for him. I wrote back and passed it to him.

I think I might like you too. It’s strange, though.

Why is it strange?

To be completely honest I never really had someone like me or me like someone else. Not even friend wise or otherwise.

When will you tell me what happened to you in your past? Is it the reason why you wear long sleeve shirts all the time.

I blanched a little. Of course he would notice. Everyone notices. Well, everyone new in my life notices. I tapped my pen against the paper, trying to find something to write. I sighed in my mind and wrote the only thing that came to mind.

Sort of.

I heard him snort which made me smile. It was good that he found it funny. He handed me back the paper.

Whoa, slow down. You’re getting too deep there. You should be a philosopher because you are so deep.

I lightly punched his arm while smiling. He just laughed.

“Look, what happened in the past, stays in the past, okay?” I whispered. He nodded. He grabbed my land, lacing his fingers into mine. I stared at our intertwined hands for a few moments, trying to digest what was going on. He was actually holding my hand and I wasn’t freaking out. I looked at him and he gave me his infamous lopsided smile.

“This is okay, right?” He whispered. I nodded.

“Good.” He turned back to the TV and wrote notes. I wasn’t paying attention to the movie because I was trying to contain myself from freaking out in a good way. He was holding my hand and I wasn’t pulling away!

I started to think into the future and it made my stomach turn in a bad way. What if he wanted to kiss me? What if he wanted to have sex with me?

I started to freak out only this time in a bad way. It was all inward though. His thumb started to caress my thumb and it brought me to that moment where I was ten and Jim held my hand during a movie with Carol sitting on the other side of him. He did the exact same thing. A few days later he made me kiss him on the lips when Carol turned her back to us. A few days later he was in my room, his hands down my pants.

A few days later he was raping me.

I jerked my hand away from Donovan’s and stood up.

“Amber?” I didn’t say anything. I grabbed the hall pass before walking out. Mr. Altman was on his way to the science room.

“Where are you going?” I held up the pass before walking past him. I walked into the girl’s bathroom and hyperventilating. I started to feel light headed from the enormous amounts of oxygen entering my brain. I sat down and put my head between my legs, trying to calm down. I started to cry. And cry. And cry. And cry.

I will never escape him. He will always be there to let me know that I can’t get away that easy. When someone touches me, he is there to tell me that it’s really him. He will never go away. I wish I had my razor.

A few moments later the door opened. I looked up and saw a girl that sat in front of me and Donovan in our science class. She frowned at me.

“Mr. Altman sent me here. Are you okay?” I got up and nodded. I walked over to the sink and splashed water on my face. I grabbed a napkin and rid my face off all the water.

“I’m fine. Just had a moment.”

“I totally understand. Sometimes I come in here to cry. High school is so stressful.” I didn’t say anything. We walked back to class, Tyler smirking at me as I passed him. I sat down next to Donovan who looked really concerned.

“You okay?” I nodded before resting my head on the table avoiding eye contact.

When the bell rang I jumped up and quickly gathered my things.

“I’ll talk to you Monday,” I said to Donovan before leaving. I didn’t give him time to answer back. I practically ran to my car and raced out of the lot. When the school was out of view, I slowed down, trying to catch my breath. I turned up the music and let the sounds of some random band on my stereo drown out my thoughts until I got to the house. I huffed when I saw Mike’s car in the driveway. Great.

I got out of the car and slammed my door in anger. He might as well live here as much as he is over here. I kicked off my shoes once I walked in the house.

“Adrienne?” I heard Billie call out before he came into view.

“Amber? What are you doing here?” He asked surprised.

“I live here temporarily. I am allowed to come here, aren’t I?” He rolled his eyes. Yes, he literally rolled his eyes.

“You are always over at your friend’s house. Excuse me for being shocked to see you before seven o’clock.” I took a deep breath which helped calm me. I needed to stop being so confrontational. Being confrontational is really out of character but no one would say that if they saw my behavior these past weeks.

“I’m going over there later. I have a paper that’s due Monday and I wanted to write it real quick. Donovan and Felicia have some family thing they are doing until eight. I might be home late tonight because we are going to watch some movies. Is that okay?” Billie nodded.

“Yeah, that’s fine. Did you take something to make you feel better? You don’t look so sweaty.” I shrugged and decided not to answer him. When he came to that conclusion he walked away. I slowly walked up the stairs to my room. I leaned against the closed door. I started to feel nervous about tonight. Not only am I lying to Donovan but I am also lying to Billie. Thank goodness they don’t communicate. I sat down on the bed. I don’t know if I should dress nice or just go in what I have on. I don’t want to make any more impressions on Tyler. I looked at my white shirt. I do need to change my shirt at least because of the blood spots. I took off my shirt and walked over to my closet. I grabbed a random shirt, not caring what it was, and put it on. My phone dinged.

Are you okay? You really scared me in class. Did I push too hard holding your hand? I’m sorry if I did. I bit my lip and sat down. Boy, this guilt thing is making the remainder affects of the pills dissipate faster. I tossed my phone on my bed. I didn’t want to text him back. I would feel even worse.

I walked down stairs and rummaged through the refrigerator for something small to eat. I closed it when I suddenly felt nauseous. I opened it back up and got a water. I was thirsty. Mike walked in then and threw away some glass bottles.

“Hey,” he said with a smile as he walked past me to the refrigerator to get more beer. They drink a lot.

“Hey,” I said back not wanting to be rude. I sat down at the counter and concentrated opening my water bottle hoping that Mike won’t talk to me. That was a shot in the dark.

“How was school?” He asked as he leaned against the counter by stove. I took a sip of water. I bet Billie sent him in here to spy.

“Fine. How was-what exactly do you do all day? Just drive around and spend money?” Mike gave a breathy laugh.

“I do run a restaurant business so I go there and make sure things are running smooth.” I nodded, acting like I care. I don’t.

“Fun.” I took another sip of water. I started to feel a headache come along and more nausea. I wish ten would hurry up so I can get to that party and get what I need. I looked at Mike and he was still looking at me like I should be saying something else. It made me feel weird, him staring at me. He wasn’t doing it in a predator kind of way but in a way that he could be looking for answers. Answers to what I have been doing. I didn’t like it.

“Don’t you need to get that beer to Billie?” I asked. I didn’t say it in a condescending way but in a I-don’t-want-to-talk-anymore-please-stop-staring-at-me kind of way.

“I guess so.” He shrugged off the counter and walked out. I waited a few minutes before running up the stairs and going into my room. I sat down at my computer desk and began writing the paper, hoping that I would make the time faster. Halfway through the paper, my phone dinged. I got up and grabbed my phone and sat back down at my desk. I saw that I had three text messages. Two from Donovan and one from Felicia. I ignored it and typed more until it dinged again. I sighed angrily and grabbed my phone reading the now three messages from Donovan.

Look, I need to know that you aren’t mad at me. Just text me back.

Amber. Please answer me.

Okay, I am about to call you or Google your name to find your address if you don’t answer in five minutes.

I sighed and texted him back. He’s probably won’t find my address but he will find information that I don’t want him to.

I’m not mad. I just had an off day and wanted to be here. Sorry. I went to Felicia’s message. She just asked me why I didn’t come over. I texted her back and told her exactly what I told Donovan. As I sent that message, Donovan replied back. This was starting to get overwhelming.

Okay. Can I call you?

Not tonight. I want to be alone right now. I’ll talk to you Monday. I sat my phone down and sighed. I finished up my paper and saved it. He didn’t reply back.

I walked over to my bed and lied down. For two hours I stared at the ceiling and tried to figure out what I can do for two hours until the party. I guess I can go to a book store or a café. When my alarm went off that I set to tell me it was seven I got up. I grabbed everything I needed and walked down stairs.

“Where are you going?” Adrienne asked before I could make it out the door. I turned to her and smiled. Be calm.

“Felicia’s apartment. Billie said it was cool that I could go.” She nodded.

“Alright. Be careful.” I nodded and left. I found myself at a book store that was by the Starbucks I met Donovan the first time. I grabbed a random book and sat down at one of the couches in the back. I started reading it, hoping the time would go by fast. Which it thankfully did.

“Your destination is on your right.” I pulled up at this big house that my GPS took me. It was probably the same size of Billie’s house. I couldn’t believe that Tyler lived here. People started running by my car, laughing, and going into the house. I guess I am at the right place. I took a couple of breaths before getting out of my car. I slowly walked up to the big house, trying not to get bumped into by some random person that was running by. I could hear the music coming from the house getting louder and louder as I got closer and closer. When I walked in I got bombarded by the stench of pot. There were so many people in house. I sighed in annoyance, trying to figure out how I am supposed to find Tyler in this crap. I wish he would have met me outside and just give them to me. I guess he wanted to make me suffer.

I walked deeper into the house until I found the kitchen which wasn’t as crowded as the main part of the house. I walked over to the table and sat down trying to collect myself.

“Amber.” I looked up and saw Derrick, one of Tyler’s friends. I stood up.

“Hey, where’s Tyler?” I asked. He motioned for me to follow him. He took me up the stairs and to this room. He knocked three times before opening it and walking in. I stood there for a few seconds before Derrick grabbed my arm and brought me in. I saw Tyler sitting on a bed and smiling. From the numerous half naked posters on the wall, I could only guess this was his room. I spotted a Green Day poster. Is everyone in this town a Green Day fan?

My eyes stopped on this girl in her underwear sitting at a card table counting pills and putting them into bags.

“I like watching them count the pills in their underwear. It’s kind of sexy, don’t you think?” I looked at Tyler. Derrick left the room.

“Plus, it’s easier to inspect to make sure they don’t steal any of the merchandise.” I looked at the girl again. She looked at me and smiled as she zipped up a bag of white pills. She got up and handed him the bag. As she walked away, he slapped her butt which made me flinch. I hated that sound. He handed me the bag.

“Two weeks worth, 112 pills. After you run out the going rate is one for $4, ten for $30 or 100 for $320.” I stared at the bag of pills. I opened the bag and took three out, shoving them in my mouth and dry swallowing. I looked at Tyler and he was smirking at me like he was impressed.

“Why so expensive?” He laughed.

“That’s actually pretty cheap compared to some drug dealers around here.” I stayed silent and looked back at the pills. I don’t know how I was going to afford them. I only get $100 every two weeks.

I was about to leave before I realized I didn’t have anywhere to put this big bag of white tablets. I looked at Tyler.

“Do you have anything for me to put these in so I won’t get stared at carrying a big bag of pills?” He groaned and looked at the nearly naked girl.

“Get me a purse.” She got up and walked away.

“Next time come prepared.” The girl handed him a red purse. He handed it to me.

“I want that back Monday.” I grabbed it and put the pills in there.

“Okay. Can I go?” Tyler smiled.

“If you wanna; you are welcome to stay here and party it up a little. If you want an experience, drink some of the shroom tea downstairs to see crazy shit.” I tighten my lips and shook my head.

“No. I’m going to go home. Thank you, Tyler.” He nodded once and I walked out. As I walked down the stairs I bumped into someone making them spill their drink on them.

“I’m sor-” I stopped mid-sentence. Chuck looked just as surprised to see me as I was to see him.

“What are you doing here?” He asked me. I felt like I was going to throw up. Think, quick!

“Uh-uh,” I stuttered out. I couldn’t think of anything.

“Look, don’t tell Donovan or Felicia that you saw me here. They will hate me forever. And I’ll do the same for you, got it?” I nodded quickly. I walked past him and practically ran to my car. I sat in the seat and tried to calm my breathing. Everything seemed to fall apart. Chuck probably figured out why I was here. Why else would I be here at this party? Obviously to get drugs. That’s probably why Chuck was there too. I started my car and drove away. Far away.

I parked my car in my normal parking spot at the house. I looked up at the house and shook my head. The crazy thing is I had less problems living with Jim and Carol.