Falling Out

I sat on the plush green grass that was slowly turning matte because of the setting sun on this chilly Friday night. I brought my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. Donovan smiled.

“Where did your technical parents run off to again?” He asked.

“They had to go to Minnesota where my step-mother lives because her mom got severely sick and took the boys with them. They said I could either stay at home or with my grandmother but what they don’t know is that I am actually staying with you guys.” Donovan smiled again. It wasn’t a total lie. Billie and the rest of everyone are out of state...they were just in New Orleans for a show. Donovan scooted closer to me. We were at the park that was across from his apartment.

We have gotten closer this past week. When I got to school on Monday he didn’t press me for information as to why I freaked out on him Friday. He actually acted like nothing had happened. And I didn’t freak out like I did Friday when he held my hand during lunch. Maybe it was because of the pills that were freshly installed at the beginning of third period instead like last time when they were almost gone.

“Are you sure you want to listen to this? I only know two songs and I can’t even do those great.” Donovan opened his violin case and pulled out one of the few instruments where I wish I would have learned. The others being the cello and piano.

“That’s two more than I know.” He rolled his eyes and put his violin under his chin with his bow in place.

“Well, don’t laugh at the screeching noise you are about to hear. I hadn’t played in years.” But it wasn’t screeching noise like he predicted. It was beautiful and airy and made me see him in a different light. His upper body swayed as he got into the music, his eyes closed shut. The wind picked up and the breeze was cool. Everything about this moment was perfect.

After he was done with the second song he put the violin back in its case. He gave me a nervous smile.

“What did you think?” I smiled at him and grabbed his hand. It was nice holding his hand. It was warm and it felt safe.

“I thought it was beautiful.” He leaned in closer and was about to kiss me when I turned my face and his lips landed on my cheek. He pulled away and scratched at the back of neck.

“I’m sorry. I’m not ready for that.” He nodded.

“I know. That was stupid of me. But I want to tell you that I’ve wanted to kiss you ever since that night in Alabama. I think you’re wonderful and whatever went on in your life, I’m sorry.” I didn’t say anything. I wanted so badly to tell him what happened to me. He deserved to know.

But I couldn’t. I couldn't tell him. I would never have told Billie what Jim did to me if I hadn’t gotten pregnant. No one would have known. And Donovan will never know unless it gets leaked somehow. If he knew...he would be disgusted just like everyone who found out.

“Where are you?” Donovan swiped some of my hair behind my ear. I turned my head away, not wanting him to touch me. He sighed and dropped his hand.

“I’m sorry.” He nodded.

“It’s okay.”

“You have to have patience, Donovan. This is all new to me.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” He grabbed my hand again. I let him. It was the least I could do.

“So, what does this mean?” He asked me. He lifted our hands when I gave me a confused look.

“We are holding hands. What do you mean what does it mean?” He chuckled.

“You are so darn cute.” My cheeks flamed up. All of a sudden American Idiot flooded the air. Donovan rolled his eyes and pulled out his cell phone.

“What?” He answered bluntly. He smiled at me before looking at his apartment. He waved at someone.

“Felicia sees us,” he said answering my confusion. I looked at the fourth floor and saw Felicia on their small balcony waving at us.

“Alright, we are coming. Don’t start the movie.” He hung up and looked at me.

“Felicia finished cooking us some chicken fried rice and Chuck just arrived. We should head up.” We stood up and walked to his apartment.

It wasn’t that awkward seeing Chuck like it had been Monday. We didn’t make eye contact at all. But now we only speak to each other when it’s relevant. He didn’t push me for answers and I didn’t push him for answers.

I sat down next to Donovan on the loveseat with a bowl of fried rice.

“I still can’t believe you’ve never seen Aladdin. Ri-dic-u-lous,” Felicia said as she sat next to Chuck. They were really close. When Felicia put some popcorn in Chuck’s mouth my suspicions were confirmed that something was definitely going on with them. Chuck looked at me as the movie started playing. It was a warning look that basically told me to keep my mouth shut and he’ll keep his. I looked away.

“Is is okay if I put my arm around you?” Donovan whispered to me halfway through the movie. I nodded. Donovan smiled and put his arm around my shoulders. I scooted closer to him and brought my legs up on the couch to get more comfortable.

“That was fun.” Felicia said after the movie was over. She got up and put her empty bowl of popcorn on the coffee table. She looked at Chuck and he got up.

“We’re going to my room.” Felicia grabbed his hand and they practically slammed Felicia’s door shut. Donovan chuckled.

“They are as discreet as a clown.”

“What are you they doing?” I asked. Donovan got up and grabbed the popcorn bowls and food bowls and put them in the kitchen.

“Probably fucking. They’ve been dating for about four months now.” I lifted my eyebrows in shock.

“I didn’t know that...” Donovan came back and raised an eyebrow at me.

“Really? You must not be that observant.” Must not.

Donovan sat next to me and smiled. And cue awkwardness. I had a feeling that this was supposed to be the moment that we make out but that wasn’t going to happen and he knew that. He got up and put another movie in. He walked over to the long couch and laid down. He motioned me to come over probably to lie with him. Did I want to do that?

“Hold on.” I got up and grabbed my bag. I walked into the bathroom and changed into my pajamas. I grabbed the orange bottle that I put the some pills in and took two. I ran a brush through my hair. I took a couple of breaths to calm myself before I shut the light off and went back into the living room. I noticed that Donovan had changed as well only he didn’t have a shirt on. Just plaid pajama pants. I took a discreet deep breath before lying down on the couch, my back against his chest. I’ve laid with Tre and that wasn’t so bad so, using that same logic, this shouldn’t be too bad. He put his arm around my waist, bringing me closer.

This isn’t bad. It’s just his arm. He won’t hurt me.

“Is my arm bothering you?” He asked.

“No,” I breathed out.

“Then why are you so stiff?” I didn’t even realize that I had stiffen up. I relaxed a bit.

“I can take my arm away if you don’t want it around you.” I shook my head.

“No, it’s okay.” I scooted closer to him to show that it was really okay. That even though I was trying to convince myself of it, I actually like having his arm around me. It made me feel almost normal.

I didn’t realize that I fell asleep by the time the movie ended. The only thing that gave it away was the nightmare that ensued.

My back was facing the door as I tried to go to sleep. But it was hard to fall asleep because my back was hurting from where Carol had taken her anger out on me because I didn’t say thank you for the birthday cake she made me. I usually love birthday cake but I didn’t prefer yellow cake and that was what she made me. I should have just said thank you.

I should be used to her beatings by now. Ever since I turned nine last year they had gotten worse. I’m ten years old now. I should start to learn not to cry when she does this to me. They won’t be as bad if I don't.

I was almost asleep when my room filled with light as my door creaked open. I lifted up and looked at the door in confusion.

“Uncle Jim?” I called, rubbing my eyes. He didn’t say anything. He walked the few steps and sat on my bed.

“I’ve seen how you’ve been looking at me, Amber.” I looked at him confusion. He turned to face me and I immediately got scared. His eyes were so different. They were glazed over and something sinister was happening to them.

“I don’t understand.” He licked his lips.

“Take your clothes off.” He demanded. I looked down at his hand and saw that he had a knife. I immediately got scared. So scared that I did what he said.

“Lay down.” I did. He got on top of me.

“If you scream I will cut your throat.” I closed my eyes as he spread my legs. Tears started stream down my face and I couldn’t help it. I screamed when he forced himself into me so hard. He clamped my mouth shut and kept on going. It hurt so much. My screams were muffled. My protests were snuffed. I couldn’t help but think how much it hurt. It hurt so much. So much pain. I didn't like this type of pain.

When he was done he put the knife against my throat.

“If you say anything I will cut your head off. Don’t think I won’t.” He got off of my bed, put his pants back on and walked out, shutting the door. I burst into tears immediately. A few minutes later I stopped crying. I curled up on my side and stared at the picture of my mom on the night stand. I shut it all off.

I will never be the same.

“Amber, Amber wake up!” I shot up, my breaths leaving me fast. I looked over and saw Donovan. I was still on the couch in his apartment. I couldn’t help it, I started to cry. I let Donovan wrap his arms around me.

“Shhh, it’s okay.” But it wasn’t. It will never be okay.