Falling Out

I closed my history book and put my assignment on top of it. I was on a roll. I had almost completed a whole weeks assignments in two days. I grabbed my English assignment and started on it. I was halfway into writing a 250 word essay on the role of women during the Elizabethan times in The Taming of the Shrew (which was hard to write with a marker, might I add) when my name was called by Mrs. Virginia. I put the cap on my marker and set it down. I got up and started to walk towards her.

“Dr. Jenn wants to see you,” she clarified when I reached her. I gave her a confused look. Today was Wednesday which meant I wasn’t supposed to see Dr. Jenn today. I see her tomorrow. She led me to Dr. Jenn’s office. I walked in and sat down on the usual couch but this time I didn’t bring my legs up like I normally did. I just sat there and crossed my ankles.

Dr. Jenn sat across from me and was smiling. It was odd.

“What am I doing here? Am I in trouble or something?” She shook her head.

“Oh, no. Quite the opposite, actually. I had a meeting this morning with Dr. Paul, your psychiatrist, Mrs. Virginia, and other important people here that has been caring for you and helping you. We have all come to the conclusion that you are ready to leave Crystal Falls tomorrow morning.” After the shock of it dwindled down, I smiled. I was so excited! I was ready to leave this place and see everyone outside these walls and not in a controlled setting. I was just elated to be leaving.

But then I started to feel something that I was not expecting. I started to feel scared. I have been in a controlled setting this whole time which meant I wasn’t close to anything to cut myself with or pills to take or anything like that. When I leave I will be around all that. I will be around everything that I am kept away from here. I was especially scared of returning to school.

“Amber?” Dr. Jenn asked. She noticed that my mood changed instantly.

“Amber, it’s okay to feel nervous or scared to leave. It’s normal, actually.” I took a deep breath to calm my thudding heart. I started to feel tears coming. I was really, really scared.

“What if I’m not ready?” I asked. I didn’t know what ready felt like. I thought when I got the news that I would leaving I would be over the moon and excited to finally be over with this place. I did feel that but I thought it would last longer than a minute. I didn’t expect to feel all these conflicting feelings.

“We all believe you are ready. You have shown tremendous progress these couple of weeks. Now, that doesn’t mean you quit therapy or your medication. I will continue to see you, just out patient in my office. I will see you every two weeks on a day and time that is convenient for you. I will be here for you until you don’t need me anymore.” I nodded. I felt a little better about that.

“Okay,” I said.

“Alright, now, what is something you are most excited to do when you leave?” I smiled. It was hard to pick one.

“I don’t know. Billie told me that when I got out he and the rest of Green Day was going to make like a Thanksgiving feast for me because I was still in here during Thanksgiving. I’ve never really celebrated it before. It’s going to be weird celebrating Thanksgiving in December though.”

“You can celebrate Thanksgiving any day. I think it’s a great idea what Billie wants to do for you.” I nodded.

“Me too. Plus, I like turkey.”

“What about Donovan? Is he going to be there?” I shrugged.

“I want him to be. I miss my family but I miss him a lot, too.” Dr. Jenn smiled.

“I think that’s the first time I’ve heard you refer to them as your family.” I looked down at my hands.

“They are my family. After what has happened to me and what I put them through...they are my family. That’s what my mom would have wanted. She would want to see me happy and healthy and loved by people who care for me.”

“We haven’t talked about your mom a lot. Can you remember anything about her?” I nodded.

“I remember a few things. I remember her loving music with a passion. I remember her loving me with her mite. I remember her last words to me. There weren’t any bad memories and if they were I don’t remember them. I was barely seven when she died.”

“Have you been to her grave since she passed away?” I looked down and shook my head. Tears started to prick my eyes.

“I wasn’t allowed at the funeral, either. They thought I was too young and didn’t understand what was going on. But I knew she was dead. I knew that she wasn’t coming back. I knew it all. I wasn’t stupid. You know...I just realized that they took everything away from me. My closure for my mom’s death, my childhood, my humanity even. Everything.” I wiped my face as the waterfall of tears that started to fall.

“This might be a stupid question but it’s nice to ask. If you had a magic wand that could change anything in the world, what would you use it for?” She was right, it was a stupid question, but it made me think hard. If she would have asked me this when I first got here I would tell her the moment Billie and Mom met that way I wouldn’t exist. But now...that’s not the case.

“I think...I would change my mom dying. I would make her not sick and for her to live. That way I would still be with her and not here.”

“Alright, it’s done. How’s your life with your mother?”

“It’s good. We fight sometimes because mother’s and daughter’s do but we hug each other and apologize afterwards. When I turned 15 she would tell me who my father is because I would pester her constantly about it. I’d be mad at first but want to meet him. I meet Billie and my little brother’s and step-mom and I call him Dad because that’s what he would be to me. He’ll be happy to meet me and I wouldn’t be difficult for him. I would visit him every other weekend and some holidays. Mom would cry when I walk down the aisle and Billie would shed a few tears as he gave me away. Mom would be happy to be a grandmother and would spoil my children. Life would be good.”

“Why just good? Why not great?”

“Great would be if Donovan was there too. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I would sacrifice my love for Donovan to see my mom one more time but if I had a life like I just said and Donovan was in it, it would great. So, so great.” Dr. Jenn nodded. She wasn’t writing anything down like she normally would. In fact, she didn’t have her notebook or anything in her hands. We were just having a simple conversation.

“That’s the only problem with each scenario. Somebody is missing or something has to be sacrificed. That’s something terrible about this world; somebody always has to sacrifice something. You’re young, Amber. Your life can start right now and be your best life from here on out. It’s not going to be easy, though, and you will have bumps along the way but you can do it. I know you can.” I smiled at Dr. Jenn. She was right. I still had plenty of life ahead of me.

“Okay, I want to talk to you about some of the protocol that you will be doing when you get home. I need you to be prepared because either Billie or Adrienne will go through your room to get all the contraband that you used to cut yourself with and all the pills. I know it’s a scary thing to think about but in order for you to continue to heal you need to get rid of everything so it won’t be there to temp you. That means you need to show them all your hiding spots so they know where to look.” I nodded. Goodbye butterfly box, I guess.

“I’ve already talked to Adrienne about what I am about to tell you. When you get home Adrienne will perform body checks on you once every week at a random time. Which means that you will have to strip down to your underwear and Adrienne will have to expect your body to make sure you aren’t cutting. I know this is extremely invasive but it’s only until I think it’s not necessary. How are you feeling right now with this information?” I shrugged. I was completely shocked by all of it. My stomach felt like it was about to burst with millions of bugs wanting to be free. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like to think that Adrienne will have to look at my body. I didn’t like it.

“I don’t like it but I understand.” She nodded.

“Is there anything else you want to talk about?” I shook my head.

“Not that I can think of.” She nodded.

“Alright, then. You have a few minutes left for lunch so Becky will take you to the cafeteria. I won’t see you tomorrow because you are leaving early but Becky will be in contact with Billie in a few days to set up an appointment. Okay?” I nodded. We both got up.

“I will see you soon. And congratulations, Amber.”

“Thank you.” I turned around and walked out. Becky was there at the door and smiled at me. She escorted me to the cafeteria.

“You are late today. That must mean you got some good news.” Dorothy said as I sat down. I smiled.

“They told me I am going home tomorrow.” She smiled.

“That’s awesome, Amber.” I managed to eat my food with one minute spare before we got up and went to group. I sat in my usual spot. Instead of Amy sitting next to me it was a new girl named Sierra. Amy had left the day after Janet did. This group we discussed issues that we have at school from grades to issues of bullying. I really didn’t participate as much as I should because I was distracted that I would be leaving tomorrow. After group was over I decided I would do art therapy today instead of the usual music room. I wanted to talk with the friends I made in here. Plus, we were painting flowers today and I loved flowers.

Eventually supper was served and it was devoured. When it was my time to use the phone I called Billie.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” I said with a smile on my face.

“Are you excited about coming home?” He said with as much excitement as I had.

“Yes, I am. Listen, I was wondering if you could bring me some clothes to change into because I’m not going to be comfortable wearing short sleeves in public.”

“Okay. Totally understandable. I’ll get Adrienne to get you something. Are you feeling nervous about coming back?”

“Yes. Not necessarily coming back home but...school is my biggest worry. And I just got told I’d have to go through body checks and it’s just...intense.”

“Yeah, Adrienne told me about that...” We got silent.

“Well, let me get off of here. I have to pack.”

“Okay, I will see you tomorrow.” We hung up. I got escorted back to my room and I began packing. Dorothy walked in and sat on Janet’s old bed. She watched me as I packed.

“It’s going to be weird without you here. Who am I going to sit silently at the lunch table with?” I smiled at her.

“You’ll be fine. You might be leaving soon, as well.” She shook her head.

“I don’t think so. Dr. Boudreaux said that I’ve been regressing instead of progressing. We started to talk about...well, about stuff.” I gave her a sympathetic smile.

“You will. I know it’s hard to talk about that stuff but it is okay. You can do it.” She gave me a small smile and stood up.

“I’m going to hug you.” And she did. It was a short, sweet hug.

“I’ll meet you in the main room when you get done. We’ll play UNO or something.” She walked out. I finished packing my pictures up and zipped my suitcase. I can’t believe I was leaving. I really couldn’t. I walked out to the main room and played a good amount of UNO and ate a ton of m&m’s before we were told it was lights out. I still had about $5 worth of quarters.

“Hey, Dorothy?” She turned to me. I handed her the change.

“Here.” She smiled and took it.

“Thanks.” She gave me a hug before we both walked to our rooms. I lied down and stared at the ceiling, too excited and anxious to sleep. I kept on tossing and turning, getting frustrated because I couldn’t sleep. I sat up and ran my hand through my hair. I got up and walked down the hall and started towards the bathroom.

“What are you doing up, Amber?” Venus, one of the night techs, asked. She was sitting in a chair by the entrance of the main hall. I pointed to the bathroom. She nodded before going back to her magazine that she was reading. I walked in and rested my palms against the counter, resting on them. This place was watched like a hawk. You had to be escorted everywhere, you had to tell the techs where you are going if you decide to go anywhere. Even when you go outside to walk around the track they have out there, you have to be supervised. It was like a fancy prison.

I turned the water on and cupped my hands underneath it. I let the water pool over my hands before I took it and splashed my face. I grabbed a paper towel and dried my face off. I sighed before walking out and going back into my room. I lied on my side and stared at Janet’s old bed. I began to wonder how she was doing. I hope she was doing good or better. I hope her parents saw how amazing she was and, even though she can be a little abrasive and in your face, she means well by it all.

I lied on my back and stared at the ceiling. I started thinking about my own mother and how I really missed her. I didn’t know if I believed in heaven or God but if there was such a thing, that’s where my mom would be. I wonder if she was looking down at me. I wonder if she was proud of whom I became. She probably is. She’s my mom; she’s supposed to be proud of everything I do. At least, that’s how Adrienne is. She’s was always proud when Jakob made an A on a spelling test or Joey making a goal in soccer. I took a deep breath and held it in for a few seconds and they let it out, hoping that would make me not cry.

I didn’t know how long it took me to fall asleep. We didn’t have clocks in the bedrooms. But when they woke me up the next morning I felt like I didn’t sleep that long. I decided to skip my shower this morning and take a long, hot shower when I got home. Home. I was going home today. I quickly brushed my teeth, changed into some normal clothes that I set out before I packed everything, and went to breakfast with everyone. Right when I got done eating my muffin, Mrs. Virginia came into the cafeteria with a smile on her face. She waved me over. I put my tray up and gave Dorothy one last hug and wished her luck before following Mrs. Virgina to the main room where my luggage was at.

“Grab your things. We are going to the visiting room to wait for your father to get here. He called a second ago and said he was a few minutes out.” I nodded and walked with her to the visiting room. I sat down on the same couch that I sat with Donovan. I smiled as I ran my hands over the tan upholster. I was going to see him today. I was going to hug him; I was going to kiss him; I was going to hear his smooth voice. Today.

I heard the door open and my head shot up. I had never been so happy to see Billie in my life. He had a goofy smile on his face and walked to us. I got up and gave Mrs. Virginia a hug, well, more like she gave me one.

“I better not see you in here again,” she said when she pulled away. I nodded. Billie grabbed my luggage.

“Bye,” I waved at her before walking out with Billie. When he opened the door to outside, a gust of wind hit me and it took my breath away. It was uncharacteristically cold this morning and it didn’t help that I had a tank top on. I got in Billie’s car and was thankful he had the heater on. Billie threw my luggage in the trunk and got in. He turned to me and smiled.

“Oh, here’s a jacket. I actually forgot the clothes Adrienne had picked out for you and had this in the car. I’m not used to waking up that early. It’s mine so it’ll probably be a little big for you.” I grabbed the black cloth jacket and zipped it up.

“It’s okay. As long as it’s warm.” He pulled out of the parking lot and got on the road.

“So, I was thinking that maybe we can go to Mike’s diner and get some breakfast. I know you probably ate already but I’m starving. That’s cool with you?” I nodded.

“Yes, that’s fine. I’m actually still hungry. I only had a muffin.”

“Awesome. We’ll sit in the back so we won’t get bombarded with a lot of people seeing us. People are usually pretty cool there.” I nodded. Normally, I would take offense to that, thinking that he didn’t want anyone to know about me but I understood what he meant. He’s just looking out for me and I appreciated it. The ride was pretty silent other than the music I had turned on. I had missed listening to music.

When we got to Rudy’s they had just opened. I followed Billie to the back of the restaurant and we sat in a booth. A waitress greeted us with a smile and handed us menus. I decided on the funny face pancakes and chocolate milk and Billie got something called Your Own Private Eyedaho with coffee. A few seconds later Mike came out with our drink orders. He sat next to Billie and smiled at me.

“Billie told me that you guys might be stopping by. How are you?” He asked I took a sip of my chocolate milk.

“I’m good. Glad to be back.”

“Good, that’s good. I know we’ve all missed you.” I simply smiled. He was nice. A few minutes later our food came out. We small talked through the meal. When we got done, Billie left a tip and paid for the food. I waved bye to Mike and we walked out to Billie’s car and drove home. When Billie punched in the numbers and the gate slowly opened I was happy to see that big house. It was home now. It was always my home and I just didn’t realize it. Billie got the luggage and we walked inside where Adrienne hugged me instantly.

“I’m so happy to see you!” She exclaimed as she squeezed me tighter. I smiled and hugged her back. She pulled away and pushed some of my hair out of my face.

“Are you hungry?” I shook my head.

“No, we ate at Rudy’s. I actually want to take a long, hot shower that isn’t timed or supervised. Is that okay?” Adrienne nodded.

“You don’t have to ask to take a shower in your own home. Go ahead.” I smiled and ran up the stairs to my room. I sighed in happiness as I saw my bed. My big, comfortable bed. I wanted to lay down and go to sleep right then and there but I needed to shower. I grabbed some clean clothes, deciding on pajamas, and went into the bathroom. I set the clothes on the counter and turned on the shower, letting it get hot. I took off my clothes, avoiding the mirror. That was one good thing about the bathrooms at Crystal Falls. No mirrors. I couldn’t help it; I turned and looked at myself in the mirror. I didn’t have no thoughts, no reactions to what I saw. I just looked. I turned and got into the shower. I sighed in relief as I let the water fall over my body. It felt so nice. I stayed in there for about thirty minutes before I got out. I probably used all the hot water. After I got dressed I walked into my room and was shocked that Billie was in there.

“What’s up?” I asked as I threw my clothes in the dirty clothes hamper. He gave me a small smile.

“We need to go through your room...”

“Oh...yeah.”

“I was told that it should be spontaneous so you wouldn’t have time to hide anything.”

“You didn’t go through my room when I was at Crystal Falls?” He sat on my bed.

“I wanted to but Adrienne said it wouldn’t be a good idea.” I nodded. Billie stood up.

“So, um, let’s go through your room.” I ran a hand through my wet hair. I didn’t have that many hiding spots. I walked into my closet and got the luggage that I hid my pills and pulled it out and put it on my bed. I opened it up and saw the bag of pills that I still had. I stared at them, remembering how they made me feel. The calmness. The control. I picked up the bag and handed it to Billie. This was going to be harder than I thought.

“Is this it?” He asked. I nodded.

“What about what you use to um...cut yourself with?” I glanced at the butterfly box. I knew I had to tell him about it. I knew I did. But I couldn’t. I needed it. Just for a safety blanket.

“I used knives mostly. You’d probably want to get a new set.” I didn’t look at him when I told him. I couldn’t. I felt ashamed for lying to him and the guilt was slowly flooding me.

“Okay. I’ll flush these down the toilet.” He started to walk out. He believed me. He believed that I really used knives and not razors or anything else. He trusted me to tell him the truth even after what I put him through.

I closed my eyes. “Wait.” He stopped at the door and turned around. I walked over to the butterfly box. I opened the box and looked at the bloody piece of carpet and the razor that I’ve used for a long, long time. It wasn’t clean; it had a little bit of dried blood still on the edges. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to rid of the images of me cutting myself. What did Dr. Jenn tell me to do when I am in this situation? Describe the room; describe what I’m feeling. I opened my eyes. I am in my room by my desk that holds a lot of my memorabilia of my mother. I am staring at the opened butterfly box with a razor in it. Billie is right behind me. I feel like cutting myself right now. It’s normal to feel like cutting myself. I don’t need to act on it. Just give Billie the razor.

I handed the box to Billie.

“Take the whole box. I didn’t use knives, I used this. And that’s it, I promise. Nothing else.” Billie took the box. He closed it.

“Thank you for being honest with me, Amber. I know it’s hard.” I didn’t say anything, just nodded. He walked out of my room with the only things that really helped me. The things that really understood me. I walked over to my bed and lied down, getting under the covers. I was tired. Really, really tired.

When I got comfortable I started to cry. I felt like I had lost someone, or something. I didn’t know how truly hard it was going to be to give up the pills and that shiny piece of silver that managed to make my life bearable. I felt like those inanimate objects were the only things that understood me and now they are gone. Gone forever.

I was grieving and I didn’t expect it. I expected to feel relief that it was all behind me but that wasn’t the case. I felt scared. I felt true fear. I had to face everything head on now. I couldn’t hide behind compacted white powdered chemicals and silver, sharp metal. I had to do this the right way, the healthy way.

But all I could do right now was cry myself to sleep. And that was okay.