Falling Out

I woke up from a dreamless sleep, which I was thankful for. I turned my head and looked at the alarm clock and my mouth fell open. It was half past noon. I have never slept this late before. I was always supposed to wake up at six o’clock in the morning to either get ready for school and/or cook breakfast for Jim and Carol. It depended on what Carol’s work schedule was if I had to cook. That was the only meal I could cook. When I tried cooking anything else I wound up burning it and it gave them more excuses as to why I was a failure and that I needed to be punished for it.

I got up and groaned, my ribs shooting pain throughout my body. My hand gently touched them. I grabbed the pill bottle on the night stand and took two. I sat there for a few minutes before getting up and walking to the closet. I grabbed some skinny jeans, deciding that this shirt was okay to wear for today. I took off my shorts and placed them with my previous dirty clothes. I slowly put the jeans on, which made my ribs hurt worse. I decided against putting a bra on, my breasts were small and this over sized shirt was good at hiding them. I put my ridiculously long hair up in a bun before walking down to the living room. I didn’t know where anyone was at so I just sat down on the couch. I would have turned on the TV but I hadn’t watched TV since I was 7 years old. I didn’t know anything about the movies that were out or even how to operate a TV. So I just sat there in silence. I didn’t mind.

A few minutes later, I heard a door open. I didn’t look up or anything because I didn’t want to seem rude and look at who just walked in.

“I know, Mom...Yes, Mom...You’ll meet her when she is up to visit people...I know, I know you aren’t getting younger...Mom, she’s just not rea-” Billie Joe came into view. He smiled at me. I saw his glance go to my neck, his smile faltering. I became self conscious that my neck bruises were very visible.

“Mom, I got to go. Okay, love you, too. Bye.” He hung up the phone. He had a few grocery bags in his hands.

“Adrienne told me to go grocery shopping because she had to take the boys to a dentist appointment. I didn’t know what you liked or didn’t like so I just got a bunch of food that people generally liked such as peanut butter and crackers. You want to help me put them up? I’ll show you where everything is in the kitchen.”

“Yes, sir.” He laughed as I stood up.

“You don’t have to call me sir. I’m not that old.”

“Alright.” I followed him into the kitchen. He set the two recyclable bags on the counter. I helped him take out the items, put them up, in silence, and tried to ignore the pain that shot through my ribs. I didn’t let it show on my face. I was good at hiding my pain. When we were done, Billie made us a sandwich and we sat at the counter. I took small bites, trying not to eat so fast. Jim and Carol hated when I ate my food fast. They thought I was trying to avoid them when I did. Gee, I wonder why they thought that.

“So...” Billie Joe started, “...what do you like to do for fun?” I couldn’t help myself. I started to laugh a little. He gave me an odd look.

“What’s so funny?” I composed myself quickly.

“I’m sorry.” I looked down and took another bite.

“No, I didn’t mean it in a bad way. You don’t have to apologize.” I nodded.

“I don’t have fun, honestly. On the rare occasion that I was left alone I would listen to music. I didn’t have cd player or anything so I had to use the DVD player in the living room. I would just sit in the middle of the room and listen.”

“What music did you listen to?” He asked. My face grew hot.

“Um, mostly old stuff that my mom had CD’s of like The Clash and, um, Green Day.” He smiled.

“Hey, Green Day makes some damn good music and thanks for calling my music old,” I smiled a little.

“When I was at school, during my study period, I would look up the information about the bands that I listened to and its members. That’s how I knew who you were and who Tre and Mike were.” I looked down at my food.

“I love listening to music. I mean, it amazes me how someone can figure out how to make all the instruments work together and match them with beautiful lyrics. Take ‘She’ from Dookie. That is probably one of the most beautiful songs that I have ever heard. And not just because of the music, but the lyrics. I felt that song. I knew what she was going through. That song was me.” I looked at Billie Joe. He was looking at me intently. I was talking too much, especially about his music. I was also speaking too much about my own troubles. He didn’t need to know them.

On the rare occasions that I would listen to music, it brought me to my mom. I didn’t think of her often. She loved music so much, especially Green Day.

I remember 1994. I was 5 years old and it was the day that Dookie was released.

Mom held onto my hand as we ran down the sidewalk, narrowly missing people that were walking to other places.

“Mommy, where are we going?” I asked her, already tired of running. My cheeks were red from the heat.

“We are almost there, sweetie. Just another block.” We ran the block until we got to the store that she was in a hurry to get to. They had a small line forming outside of the store. We got behind this lady with different colored hair and black clothes. I wasn’t scared of her like some people would be.

Mom put me in front of her, still holding my hand. I looked up at her. Her hair was really long and curly. She had on cut off shorts and a t-shirt. She didn’t have on any make up on. She was so beautiful. I was so lucky to have her as a mom.

As if she was reading my thoughts, she looked down at me and smiled.

“Today is the day, sweetie. Today is the day that you will hear the best music of your life.”

“Okay, Mommy.” I smiled back at her. The line quickly moved and before I knew it we were inside the record store. Mom went straight to the G section. She scanned through the albums and pulled out a record called ‘Dookie’. I laughed at the name. It was funny. Mom sighed in relief when she saw it. She also grabbed the CD. We walked over to the cashier and paid for them. We walked out and started to walk to our small apartment.

“Mommy, why did you get two of the same thing?” I asked her. She smiled.

“Well, everything sounds better on vinyl and always remember that. I got the CD so we can listen to it when we go visit great-grandma or Aunt Carol because you can’t play vinyl in the car.” I nodded, happy with her answer. When we got to the apartment, Mom opened the windows because our AC was broken. She pulled out the big ‘Dookie’ and took it out of its packaging. She smiled before she placed it on the record player.

“Be prepared to listen to the best thing that you will ever listen to.” I watched her as she put the needle down. After a few seconds, music filled the room. Mom smiled and grabbed my hand. She was singing along, already knowing the lyrics by heart. She must have heard these songs before. We were dancing and laughing while the music played loudly until it got to ‘She’. Mom sat down on that song and listened to it closely. Her eyes started to tear up. I walked over to her and hugged her.

“Mommy, why are you sad?” I asked her. She smiled a little as she ran her hands through my hair.

“I just miss someone, baby. That’s all.”

“It is Daddy?” She pulled me into another hug.

“Yeah, sweetie.” When the song was over, she was back to her normal self. She got back up and danced.

I hadn’t thought of that for a long time. I was actually surprised I remembered it. When memories of my mom surfaced, I pushed them back down. I refused to remember her because I didn’t want the memory of my mom being tainted by what was happening to me. But it was odd, remembering her. It was a good odd. It almost brought tears to my eyes. Almost.

I looked at Billie Joe. I got up and left the kitchen. He didn’t follow me. I walked up to the room and went to the desk. I was about go to the butterfly box but changed direction and grabbed the ‘Dookie’ record. The edges of the cover were held together by tape. My mom had listened to this album so many times when she was alive. When I moved in with Jim and Carol I wasn’t allowed to even have it. So I hid it from them.

I walked back to the kitchen where Billie Joe was at. He looked at me when I entered and then looked down at the record.

“I usually don’t ask people things because when I did I would...” I shook my head, trying not to go dark; I couldn’t look at him while I asked this question. I wasn’t used to asking selfish questions, “...anyway, I hadn’t heard this album since I moved in with Jim and Carol. I mean, I heard the music because I have the CD but I haven’t heard it on vinyl in a long time and I was told everything sounded better on vinyl. I was just wondering if you had a record player and if you do, um...” I saw Billie get up in my peripheral. I looked up and saw him in front of me.

“We can listen to it. Come on,” He walked past me and I followed him. We walked down to his basement. I looked around and saw so many guitars, awards and records in frames. This must be his safe haven.

We walked over to his record player. He held out his hand for the record, which I handed it to him. He placed it on the record player and gently put the needle down. A few seconds later, music filled the room. I sat down on the floor as it began playing the familiar sounds. My mind went back to the memory of my mom as she danced and sang. I just sat there and listened, remembered, and let the music engulf me. When ‘She’ came on, I couldn’t help it, I started to cry.

But I wasn’t crying because of what had happened to me, which was what usually represented this song. I was crying because this song brought back memories of my mother. It was hard to think of her. I’m not strong enough to think of her.

When I heard Billie Joe’s voice started to sing, I looked at him. He wasn’t looking at me but was watching the record spin. He looked like he was in his own memory. I didn’t want to interrupt him. Maybe one day, when I got the courage, I would ask him what made him write this song.

I closed my eyes, turning it off. Turning my emotions off. I couldn’t cry in front of him. I hated crying.

When the song was over, my eyes opened. Everything was blank. I just listened to the rest, not looking at Billie Joe. I just sat on the floor and listened to the music.