Falling Out

I looked at myself in the mirror. It’s been four weeks since I have been in this house and it wasn’t that bad. The bruises on my face and body were almost healed but my ribs were still in pain. Billie Joe had to get my pills refilled twice because I was constantly taking them to get rid of the physical pain. At least, that's what I am telling myself.

Last Friday night, after everyone had been asleep, I went down stairs and started cleaning the kitchen. Not washing the dishes or anything, because Adrienne makes the boys load the dishwasher, but cleaning, cleaning. It was like this impulse and I had to clean or something bad would have happened. Adrienne walked in on me scrubbing the floor with a scrubber. It was already clean but that didn’t matter. I always have to clean the kitchen floor even if you can eat off them. Adrienne helped me up and smiled at me. She told me that I didn’t have to clean because they had a cleaning lady that came in every other day.

“I’m sorry.” I apologized.

“Have you been coming in here and cleaning every night?” She asked. I nodded, slightly embarrassed. She smiled at me.

“Well, thank you for doing that but you don’t have to.”

“Jim and Car-” I stopped myself. I wasn’t at Jim and Carol’s. I was at Adrienne’s and Billie Joe’s. I got up and grabbed the bucket. I walked outside and dumped the contents out. I sat it on the ground and put the scrubber in the bucket. I walked back inside and Adrienne was smiling at me. I could already tell that Adrienne was a nice person. She wanted what’s best for me. She was always smiling at me, like my mom.

I don’t know what made me do it but I found myself wrapping my arms around her. She instantly wrapped her arms around me. The only human contact that I had was Jim and Carol. And that wasn’t nice. But this hug with Adrienne reminded me of the hugs that my mom gave me when I was a little girl. I pulled away from her and nodded before walking back to my room.

I started to feel nervous. Billie Joe told me that he was having a barbeque. Not just a small barbeque of just this family but a HUGE barbeque with Mike and Tre and all their families as well as some of their friends and the other touring members of Green Day. He said only 15 and some change people will be there and that I didn’t need to freak out. But I was. I didn’t know these people except for Mike and Tre, which I haven’t really met them. The last time I saw them was when Tre cooked for me and Mike was in the room with the rest of the house when I had my nightmare. They have been here before today but I stayed cooped up in the room or in Billie Joe’s basement listening to music. Because I have been holed up in those two places, Billie Joe told me that I had to be sociable and meet people. So, basically, this barbeque was my punishment for being socially inept. At least that is how I saw it.

I took off my shirt. I didn’t like this one. I looked down at the new cuts on my arm. Even though everything has been okay, nightmares still littered my nights. I would wake up to either Billie Joe or Adrienne waking me up and calming me down. When they would leave I would cope.

I walked into my closet and chose tan sweater that fell off the shoulder. Even though the sweater had little holes in it, you couldn’t see anything because it was thick. I chose a bra that didn’t have any straps. Even though you couldn’t see anything, I didn’t want to take the chance something happening. This was one of my favorite shirts that allowed me to stay a little cool in the summer heat and keep everything hidden. I put it on and decided to leave my wavy hair down. I grabbed a pair of dark gray skinny jeans and put them on. I put on my mint green converse and stared at myself in the mirror again. I looked...decent.

Jim and Carol never liked the clothes I wore, even though they were always long sleeved shirts and skinny jeans. Clothes that I made sure hid everything. But even so, Carol never ceased to call me a whore or a slut. I knew why she called me that but the reason that I had wasn’t the same as hers. She didn’t know what was happening at night. She was calling me those names just to be vindictive and cruel.

I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to think of them. I was already about to freak out because of this feat that I have in front of me, I didn’t need those memories causing me more trouble.

I walked over to the desk and was about to open the puzzle box. I shook my head and put it back down. No, I couldn’t do this. I had already changed shirts and I didn’t know where any bandages were. I grabbed the pain pills instead and took two. I knew it was stupid; I wasn’t in that much pain because I had taken two about two hours ago, but I knew they would calm me. I needed to be calm for this evening or I was going to have a full blown panic attack.

There was a knock at the door before Billie Joe entered. He smiled at me. He looked nice in a t-shirt and jeans. He looked...normal. He looked like a normal person. Except for his hair. His hair was in its normal messy state.

“You look nice.” I looked down. I didn’t take compliments well. I never got them so I didn’t know how to take them.

“Thanks.” I said simply and lowly.

“Well, everyone is starting to show up. I’ll walk you downstairs, if ya want.” I nodded and walked out, Billie Joe beside me. We walked down stairs and I stopped after I took the last stair. I already saw people in the kitchen that I didn’t know. I can’t do this. I can’t meet people. They probably know everything about me. They probably knew that I was abused and almost died. They knew that I wasn’t wanted by anyone. They all just knew.

I was about to turn around but Billie Joe grabbed my arm. He didn’t do it forcefully but more surprisingly I didn’t find myself jerking away.

“I know this is overwhelming for you. I just want you to be sociable and meet some of the people that you will be seeing a lot. You can’t continue to hide, okay?” I nodded. I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t hiding on purpose. Ten years of abuse and being told that I was worthless made me stay in my room all the time and make anymore drama that my presence obviously caused cease. It was habit. A habit that I guess I have to stop.

“You good?” He asked. I nodded. Letting go of my arm we walked into the kitchen where Adrienne was hard at work getting food together. I walked over to her and began helping her.

“Oh, Amber, you don’t have to do that. I’ve got it.” I looked at her and nodded. I wanted to help her not because it was habit but because I didn't want to meet people.

“Thank you, though.” She said. I nodded again. Billie Joe waved me over and I followed him outside. This was the first time that I’ve actually had a good look at their backyard. It was big, well kept, and had a big in-ground pool where Joey and Jakob and two other kids were swimming. It was fenced in and had numerous amounts of patio furniture.

I looked around before I spotted Mike and Tre. They both held beers in their hand and were by the huge grill. Billie Joe started walking towards them and I followed suit.

“Hey guys. This is Amber. Amber this is Tre and Mike.” They smiled at me.

“Please to meet you.” Mike said as he held out his hand. I put my hands behind my back, not wanting to touch anyone. Mike closed his hand and dropped it back down. I know it was rude but I don't like touching people. Thank goodness he didn’t look offended.

“No introduction needed, Billie boy. We already met.” Billie raised him eyebrows before looking at me.

“Really?” He inquired. Tre nodded.

“Yeah, I cooked her breakfast at midnight her first night here. She said my food was like an orgasm in her mouth.” I smiled a little when Billie Joe hit the back of his friend’s head.

“I highly doubt she said that.” They all three laughed. As the night progressed, I stuck by Billie Joe’s side. I got introduced to numerous people; even two Jason’s that I knew I was going to get confused on. More kids started to appear but I didn’t mind them. When all the introductions were done, the pills started to kick in and I was more relaxed. Billie Joe walked back to the grill but I didn’t follow him. I walked over to one of the pool side chairs and sat down. I watched the kids play in the pool. I was glad that the pills were calming me but I started to get trapped in my own mind.



“You aren’t worried that this might be too much for her, are you?” Adrienne asked as she brought chicken out to the grill. I shook my head, putting the hamburgers on a pan.

“Nah, she’s fine.” I told her.

“She’s sitting in a chair and staring at the pool. I think this might be too much for her. She’s been through a lot, Billie.” Adrienne chastised.

“I know that, Adrienne. I know. But she needs to meet people. This is her life now. She needs to get used to it.” Adrienne sighed angrily and grabbed the pan of burgers.

“She’s only been here two weeks. You should have given her more time. I understand that you want her to get out in the world but this girl has been locked up in that house, only allowed to go to school, for ten years. Don’t rush this.” She walked away. She was right. I sighed and looked at Amber. She was sitting on the edge of a chair and was staring into the pool, her chin resting in her hand, her elbow resting on her leg. She wasn’t moving, just staring.

“Mike, take over.” I walked around the pool and squatted down in front of her. Her eyes went from the pool to me. They were glazed over but I just blamed that on her not blinking.

“Hey, you okay?” She nodded. She didn’t talk much. I mean, she had her moments, like a couple of weeks ago when we ate lunch together, but sometime I would catch her stopping herself from talking, like she was forgetting some rule.

“You don’t have to stay out here if you don’t want. You can go back inside and I’ll tell you when the food is ready.” She nodded again and got up, me following suit.

“I’m sorry for embarrassing you.” She told me in a monotone voice. I shook my head.

“You aren’t embarrassing me. Don’t think that. I know that people make you nervous and I’m sorry for putting you in this situation this soon.” She didn't say anything.

“Can I go to the basement?” She asked.

“Yeah, you can. You don’t have to ask permission, you can go in there whenever you want, listen to whatever you want, or play any instrument you want. I don’t let the boys go down there because they will tear the place apart but you can go whenever you want, okay?” She nodded before walking past me and back into the house. Tre walked up to me.

“Where is she going?” He asked. I looked at him.

“To the basement. She likes listening to the record player. She had an original ‘Dookie’ record. I don’t know where she got it but I had a feeling it was Amanda’s.” Tre nodded.

“I bet it was. You know how much she loved our music.” I nodded. I walked over to the grill and took back over, watching the skin on the chicken cook.