Your Inaccessible Light

“What you two doing out here?” Ronnie chuckles to himself.

“Just talking,” Max smiles, but I sense he’s feeling uncomfortable himself, which only makes me feel more uncomfortable. Ronnie steps closer towards me and leans in so his face is just centimetres from mine. He smells strongly of alcohol. I feel my heart start to thud, suddenly losing the tiny amount of confidence I have left. Ronnie’s hands slide to my waist and he smirks. I freeze and suddenly I forget how to speak.

“Ronnie,” Max says quietly, signalling for him to stop.

“What?” Ronnie asks innocently, his eyes not leaving mine.

“I think you should go back to the other room man,” Max suggests, doing his best to sound confident and assured.

“What are you talking about?” Ronnie chuckles, “She likes it.” I glance at Max, silently pleading for him to get Ronnie away from me. I know this is going too far and I need to be sensible and listen to my brain instead of the weird feelings I have for Ronnie. I feel an overwhelming need to be close to him, but not when he’s like this. The danger is thrilling but I’m smart enough to know it’s not safe. The memories from before are still there and I don’t like it.

“She doesn’t Ronnie,” Max informs him, trying to keep his tone light-hearted and casual so as not to aggravate Ronnie.

“You like it, don’t you?” Ronnie smirks, turning his attention back to me as he slides his hands down to my hips. I squirm out of his grasp, pushing him away slightly.

“You guys don’t know how to have fun,” Ronnie chuckles, picking up another beer from the fridge and disappearing back to the living room. I breathe a sigh of relief.

“Are you okay?” Max asks.

“Yeah,” I say, although I’m not too sure.

“Ronnie’s a dick when he’s like that. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” I shrug it off.

“Do you wanna go back in the other room? I won’t let him try anything,” he promises. I take a deep breath and nod, as Max takes my hand and leads me back into the front room.

When I wake the next morning, my entire body feels heavy and emotionally I feel numb. I am overwhelmed by grief just like before and I’m not sure I’ll get through the day without falling apart. That thought alone makes me want to go straight back to sleep. I decide it’s best not to though. I always look a state in the mornings, and since the guys all appear to be asleep still, I think it’s a good opportunity to make myself look more presentable. I glance nervously round the room. Max is lying next to me on the floor, and next to him is Omar. Ronnie is fast asleep across the couch, and Monte and Robert are asleep on the other two couches. Silently, I scramble out from under the duvet, grab my bag and head into the bathroom to get ready. I slip out of my trackies and old t-shirt I slept in, and change into a pair of denim shorts and a black Nirvana t-shirt. Then I untie my hair and run a brush through it, shoving it up in a bun as it’s so messy. When I have applied my make-up and got myself looking as decent as possible, I pick up my bag and peer back into the living room. The guys are still fast asleep, so I decide to head off before they wake up. I feel so low and emotional, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to hold a conversation without bursting into tears.

When Monday arrives, my mood, if anything, has got worse. I don’t want to get out of bed, but I have to. After all, numbing the pain for a while only makes it worse when you actually feel it. It’s better to deal with it now. I take a deep breath and then get myself ready for school, blinking back the tears that keep forming in my eyes.

“Noelle, you’re going to be late,” mum yells up the stairs. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I put on a smile, pick up my school bag and rush downstairs. My legs feel like they might collapse at any minute but I don’t know why. I just want the day to be over. I just want to get home and sleep.

“Hey doll, avoiding me or something?” Ronnie smirks, appearing out of nowhere as I walk through the school car park. I sigh, because I know I won’t be able to hold a decent conversation in this state. I can’t get the events of Saturday night out of my head, and my brain is warning me to stay as far away from Ronnie and his friends as I can.

“No,” I mutter, staring down at the ground.

“Where have you been then?” he persists.

“At home.”

“Did you have fun on Saturday? I don’t really remember a thing,” he admits.

“I didn’t think you would. It was fun.” That’s not a complete lie. I did have fun at the start; I just didn’t like it when everyone started on the drugs, and I didn’t like the way Ronnie acted.

“You’re being quiet. What’s up?” I feel tears spring to my eyes because when people ask if I’m okay, it only makes me fall apart more. I don’t know why that happens and I hate that I’m so weak and I hate that even the tiniest of things makes me cry nowadays.

“I have to go,” I tell him, ducking my head and disappearing into the crowd before he can stop me.