I'm Just a Puppet and She's Holding the Strings

November 16th 2008
3pm

Thirteen days.

Two weeks yesterday and Sebastien will be a married man.

And that means I'll be even more heartbroken than I am now.

I know it's horrible but secretly sometimes I wish I hadn't helped Sebastien with his problems so they would have broken up.

I truly know that it's a vile thing to think and I consistently scold myself for it but I really can't help it.

I wonder sometimes whether my feelings are less than I think they are or more.

Maybe I'm just exaggerating how I feel because I'm jealous of what Sebastien and Beth have not because Beth has Seb.

Or maybe because Beth has Seb I'm suppressing what I feel so it's not as strong and noticeable.

But I do know what it's like to have Sebastien, even if it was only for a short while, it was long enough for me to know how I felt.

Up until I was about twenty-two, I used to think about our kiss and wonder about him. But when I hit that age I got a boyfriend (who didn't last long) but that meant Sebastien's image was replaced with a different one.

So that was how I'd ended up forgetting his name, which I admit was a stupid thing to do.

But since I learnt who he was nine months ago, everything flooded back to me and ten times stronger too.

Because, back then I didn't know what love was.

"Ra-a-a-a-a-achel," I was brought back into reality by a glass of orange juice waving in my face, cutting off my eye-line so I couldn't continue staring while I thought.

I flinched slightly and gently took the glass from Sebastien's hand.

"Thanks," I whispered.

"You're welcome," He smiled back and sat down beside me.

Inconspicuously, I slid slightly towards the further end of the couch away from him.

I sipped anxiously at my drink, gazing around the room in avoidance.

"Rachel, are you okay?" Sebastien seemed concerned.

"Yeah," I nodded vaguely, snapping straight back into reality from my lingering on my previous thought.

What a ridiculous notion! Me, in love with Sebastien? That's utterly ludicrous!

But then again...

"Are you in a spacing out mood?" He quipped with a quirked eyebrow and a playful smile.

I chuckled forcedly, "I guess so. So what did you invite me over for? When Beth is in work and we're alone?" I added with worry, inadvertently biting my lip nervously as I twigged how alone we actually were.

"Oh I'm not going to ravish you or anything," He joked.

Pity I thought but then frowned at my mind's response.

"Somehow I never expected that," I smiled light-heartedly, continuing to joke even though I was unwilling to do so.

I wasn't in a joking mood.

"So what is it?" I pressed with slight impatience.

In all honesty, I knew what he was going to say, but I wasn't enough of a bitch to tell him to piss off.

No matter how much I didn't want to deal with his problems on top of mine.

I rubbed my hands over my face and then turned my head to look at him, a small smile on my face.

I was trying to look comforting but I think I looked a bit demented from his point of view.

He looked at me quizzically.

His eyes on me set me in self-conscious mode and caused my inside to churn.

"What is it, Sebastien?" I huffed edgily.

Sebastien's P.O.V

Rachel wasn't in the best mood. I knew it from the moment she stepped through the front door.

And the one rule I did know about was 'never antagonise a woman when she's annoyed unless you want to be publicly hung, drawn and quartered in the most agonising way'.

As soon I noticed the mood, I felt my heart sink. It was like I could almost feel her uncertainty.

"What is it, Sebastien?" Rachel sulked.

"Never mind about me right now," I spoke selflessly. No matter how much I needed her help, she looked like she needed someone to talk to more than I needed her.

"So can I go home?" Her eyebrows rose at me.

I shook my head, "No,"

She groaned and flopped back so she was slumped against the back of the couch, "Why not?"

"Because you look like you need to talk," I replied.

She cast her eyes over to me, "I don't need to talk,"

I shot her a knowing glance and she turned away from me.

I reached out and trailed my finger down the side of her face, "You're a liar," I whispered.

Sparks were shooting through my fingers, heading straight into my heart and sending shivers down my spine.

I smiled warmly and her expression softened.

Rachel's P.O.V

I had to suppress a shudder from the touch of his fingers as well as restrain myself from pushing the few hairs on his forehead up to meet his casually spiked fringe.

"You're a liar," His voice was quiet and husky.

"I'm an improviser," I chuckled lazily.

He smirked and continued to stroke my cheek.

"Do you want to talk about whatever's bothering you?"

"What makes you think that something's bothering me?"

"Because you're completely pissed off or depressed or something, you look like you're about to punch me as well,"

I laughed slightly, "I'm okay," I reassured.

"I don't believe you," He sung.

My eyes rolled, "Well you should,"

"I would if you weren't lying,"

My eyebrows furrowed at his strange response.

"You can punch me if it makes you feel better," He suggested.

"I don't want to hit you Seb, I'm not angry with you,"

"Who are you angry with?" He questioned.

"I'm not angry with anybody," I shrugged, "I'm just generally in a bad mood,"

"Care to elaborate?" He questioned cautiously, tucking some hair behind my ear.

"Not really," I sighed before adding in compete honesty, "I just... Feel like I need Pierre right now,"

Sebastien's hand fell from my face, "Then call him,"

"He's in work," I replied, running my hand through my hair.

We fell into silence and I wasn't going to say anything.

"I'm here if you want to talk, you know," He began.

"Thanks but I don't need to talk,"

"Are you upset or angry or what?"

"I'm just in a bad mood, it's not upset or angry, it's just a bad feeling," I shrugged.

He nodded and chewed on the inside of his lip, "Do you... Um... Would a hug make you feel better? I'm not exactly Pierre but I'm the best available at the moment,"

I looked at him out of the corner of my eye, contemplating whether it was a good idea or a bad one.

Positive points? It would probably make me feel better and I'd get a hug off Sebastien.

Negative points? I wouldn't want to let go and I'd need a whole lot of self-control.

Jesus Christ I'm getting so messed up just because he's offered me a hug... What the hell is wrong with me?

Sebastien's P.O.V

Okay, that was a bad idea.

She's gone silent. She probably thinks I'm a fucking idiot.

Redeem yourself Sebastien.

"Or not..." I added, "It was only a suggestion," I smiled unsurely.

She cast a glance over to me, "I do need a hug," She admitted.

I smiled joyously, genuinely ecstatic that I could hold her, and stretched my arms out for her.

She shuffled towards me and, when she was close enough, I curled my arms around her waist before pulling her very close.

Her head fell onto my chest whilst her right hand slid around my waist and her left hand rested in the groove between mine and her legs.

I rested my head on top of hers and took a deep, quiet breath, inhaling her scent.

God, she smelled beautiful.

Rachel's P.O.V

Whatever aftershave or deodorant he was wearing was absolutely exquisite.

I restrained myself from cuddling into him but when he pulled me closer and snuggled me tight I found myself melting into his arms.

A blissful sigh left my lips as his fingers trailed over my hair almost unnoticeably, then through my hair allowing his fingertips to stream over my scalp, down my neck and down my arm.

He had no idea what he was doing to me at that moment.

I closed my eyes and, however ridiculous this sounds, I felt like my soul had fallen into his.

His thumb gently caressed the slither of bare skin between my top and jeans.

"Your heart is beating so fast," He whispered, able to feel my heartbeat through the side of my ribcage that was pressed against him.

I smiled hearing and feeling his own heart pounding wildly in his chest.

"Not as fast as yours," I replied, lifting my head to look at him.

But as soon as I did, my smile faded.

The tips of our noses were barely a millimetre away which meant that our lips weren't that far away from each other either.

For a minute I thought that he was going to kiss me...

And maybe he might've done if my foot hadn't slipped from the couch, kicked the table and sent my glass of orange juice toppling over and sloshing the liquid over the place.

I jumped and gasped slightly.

"Oh my gosh, I'm such an idiot! I'm so sorry, I'll go get a towel," I rambled, standing up and going to leave the room.

"No, no, never mind, I'll do it,"

"I made the mess, I'll clean it up," I frowned.

"Rachel, leave it, I'll do it," He snapped before walking out of the room to get a towel.

I was taken aback by his tone.

I bet he's completely pissed off because he thought I was going to kiss him.

With an irritated sigh, I slid on my shoes and grabbed my jacket from the hallway, putting it on and going back into the living room.

I picked up the fallen glass and moved all the magazines from the table so they didn't get wet.

Sebastien soon came back in with a cloth and frowned at me in confusion when he saw me.

"Why do you have your jacket on?" He questioned as he began to mop up the spilt liquid on the table.

"I'm going home," I replied sharply, heading for the door.

"Why?"

"Because I want to," I spoke snobbishly.

"But I still need to talk to you,"

"I don't care what problems you and Beth are having, I'm sick of telling you what to do when you should know in the bloody first place!" I huffed, "You're acting like a puppet Sebastien, I pull your strings and make everything alright for you again then you go off and be happy until you hit the next bump. All the things I tell you to say and do aren't coming from you so you're not even being real with Beth. And, to be honest, the worst thing a man can do is make a woman fall in love with him and not be real with her. If you want your marriage to last then you need to start sorting out your own problems, I have enough of my own without dealing with yours too," I spat, "So there you go," I spoke, holding up my hands, "No strings," I shrugged conclusively before leaving the house, allowing the door to slam behind me.

Sebastien's P.O.V

"If you want your marriage to last then you need to start sorting out your own problems, I have enough of my own without dealing with yours too," Rachel growled, "So there you go," She shrugged, her hands held up, "No strings,"

"Rach!" I called meekly after her.

As the door slammed, I actually felt like my heart had fallen to the floor.

I let out a loud, angry sigh and threw the juice-soaked cloth onto the table in frustration.

I folded my fingers together and placed my hands on my head as I stared at the doorway she'd left through.

My fault?

Hell yes.

Rachel's P.O.V
5.45pm

After there was a knock on the door, I reluctantly pulled myself up from the bed, hurrying my tips back into the tin and hiding it below my bed again.

I jumped down the stairs and pulled open the door to be faced with a bunch of flowers.

"What the hell?" I jumped slightly as they were shoved in my face.

"Good evening gorgeous," Pierre winked mischievously at me.

He stepped inside and closed the door behind him, "How's it going?" He grinned.

I didn't answer him, I just threw myself into his arms, curling my arms around his neck and hiding my face in his shoulder.

"Hey, hey sweetheart," He wrapped his arms around me, "What's wrong?" He whispered against my hair.

I sighed shakily into his shoulder and he picked me up off the floor a few inches, shuffling us into the living room.

He threw the flowers onto the table and sat me down on the couch.

"Rach you're gonna have to let go of me otherwise I'm gonna fall on you,"

I didn't unwrap my arms from around his neck so he awkwardly had to climb over me so we could lie beside each other.

"What's wrong, honey?" He murmured.

I shook my head against him, my head still buried in his chest.

"There has to be something wrong," He sighed, "I know I'm hot but you never normally throw yourself at me as soon as I walk in the door," He smirked.

I looked up at him with saddened eyes but I did genuinely laugh at him.

"I see the smile but I'm not convinced that you're happy," He stared at me, trying to read me.

"How come you're here?" I tried to change the subject but it backfired.

"I went over to Seb's house to give him back a CD and he said that you paid him a little visit... And you were in a bad mood then you flipped out,"

"I didn't 'flip out'," I rolled my eyes.

"Well there's no use crying over spilt orange juice," He joked.

"I'm not crying, and he was the one who flipped out when I offered to clean it up,"

"According to him, the only one who flipped out was you,"

"No, right, I accidentally hit the table with my foot and knocked the glass over so I said that I was an idiot and that I'd clean it up and he went 'no Rachel, leave it, I'll do it', I only flipped because he did it first," I mocked Sebastien's snappish tone.

"Well if he was angry at you it must've been for a better reason than knocking over some orange juice," He responded, brushing his fingers through my hair, "What happened before you knocked over the juice?"

"Nothing really," I lied with a shrug.

"Why were you there?"

"He asked me to come over,"

"Any reason?"

"He must've said or done something to Beth because he wanted my help again,"

"Did you help him?"

"No, I basically told him to piss off and leave me alone but in more of a lecture form, I went off on one about puppets and strings and everything,"

He laughed at me, "And what did he say?"

"I don't know, I stormed out,"

His laughed ceased, "It was a proper argument?"

"It wasn't even an argument. He snapped, I lectured then I left,"

"This can't have just happened from spilt orange juice, what happened?" He frowned insistently.

"Well... There's a possibility... That we may have..." I cleared my throat, "Almost kissed,"

Pierre's eyes widened like plates, "No way!"

"Yeah way," I mocked with a nod, "We didn't but I think we would have if I hadn't kicked the table and sent everything flying,"

"It's lucky you did,"

My eyebrow quirked, "How so?"

"Because if you would have kissed then you would feel everything harder and it would hurt so much more,"

"I know, but-"

"He's getting married in two weeks Rach, there's no 'I know but' about it,"

I opened my mouth to speak but I closed it again with a sigh.

Pierre smiled sympathetically and planted a kiss on my forehead with a hug.

"I hate this," I groaned.

"I know, I hate that you have to go through this,"

I chuckled airily, "Thank you,"

"You're welcome," He mumbled, "I know what you need right now,"

I pulled back, "What?"

"Ice-cream," He grinned.

I laughed and nodded, "There's some in the freezer,"

"Oh, I have to go and get it, do I?"

"You offered," I smirked, "Besides, I'm having an emotional breakdown, so you have to do everything for me," I spoke dramatically, holding the back of my hand to my forehead for emphasis.

"Drama queen," He laughed and shoved my shoulder almost pushing me off the couch.

I squealed and he pulled me back before I fell.

"See, now you definitely have to get it for doing that,"

He rolled his eyes and hauled himself up from the couch, heading out of the room.

I smiled and bit my lip. The man has been here for five minutes and he's made me feel better already.

But my mind couldn't help but wander back to Sebastien... And how I felt when I was in his arms.

I sat up properly when Pierre came back into the room.

He poked me with the spoon before handing it to me.

"I brought the whole tub because I figure you need a lot of cheering up," He explained, falling onto the couch beside me.

I smiled at him, "If I get fat because of this, I'm blaming you,"

"Well, I heard that ice-cream takes more calories to get to body temperature than it gives you so, in theory, you should lose a bit of weight,"

I looked over at him, "You so just made that up," I snorted with laughter.

"I didn't! I swear!" He laughed.

I spooned some ice-cream into my mouth with a hidden smile.

"Can I ask you a question?" He started as he scooped some ice-cream of his own.

"You can if you stop stealing my ice-cream," I smirked.

He took some more, "Then it doesn't matter,"

I smiled, "Go on, what's the question?"

"Do you, maybe, think that you were supposed to knock the juice over?"

I frowned, "What do you mean?"

"Maybe it was fate or something," He shrugged, "Maybe if you kissed him something bad would have happened,"

"Like what?"

"I don't know... Maybe if you kissed him then he would've had an emotional crisis and would've had a mental breakdown or something,"

"Are you saying that when I kiss someone they have a mental breakdown?" I frowned.

"No! No, I didn't mean it like that! I just mean... Listen, you don't want Sebastien and Beth to break up, right?"

I rolled my eyes and shrugged.

"No, really Rach, you don't want to break them up do you?"

"No..." I admitted.

"You're not a bitch, you're a lovely person, you couldn't do it even if you wanted to,"

I couldn't tell whether I'd taken that as a compliment or a challenge.

I shoved another spoonful of mint-chocolate-chip into my mouth to prevent the possibility of me saying something I shouldn't.

"I haven't upset you have I?"

I shook my head, "No," I replied, very gracefully spitting out ice-cream droplets.

He stroked the back of my hair and rubbed my back.

"I'm sorry,"

"It's okay," I shrugged, "I don't exactly feel like ice-cream anymore, you want it?"

"No thanks," He smiled.

I placed the lid on the tub and got up from the couch, heading for the kitchen.

Pierre was right. However strongly I felt for Sebastien I couldn't stand it if it was my fault that he broke up with Beth. I'd hate to be the one to cause him pain like that- He loves her.

And Beth's a lovely girl, she loves Sebastien and she makes him happy so as long as he's happy then so am I.

I think...

Fuck it, why am I lying to myself like this?

The only way I'm going to be truly happy is if Sebastien is happy with me and with his wedding barely two weeks away, I doubt that that is going to happen.

And that hurts me so much.

As I closed the freezer door I brushed the tear from my cheek.

I let out a shaky breath and rubbed my cold hands over my face.

I didn't even know if he felt the slightest thing for me because I'd seen nothing from him since Pierre and I 'got together'.

All I'd seen was support and I wasn't exactly sure whether or not that was a good thing.

All I wanted right now was closure. I wanted Sebastien to just turn around and say 'I like you' or 'I don't like you' so I knew where I stood for sure and so I could teach myself to get over it.

And I knew just how that would happen.

I bit my lip and speed-walked into the hallway.

I slid on my shoes and pulled on my jacket.

"Rachel?" Pierre frowned, getting up from the couch and peeking his head around the door at me in confusion.

"Yeah?" I smiled.

"Where are you going?"

I coughed awkwardly and pulled open the front door.

"I'm going to tell Sebastien that I love him,"

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Baby, take me on a journey
I've been thinking lately
I could use a little time alone with you
Crazy, let's do something maybe
Please don't take your time
You got me right where you want me

Jesse McCartney- Right Where You Want Me

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