Trouble

He didn’t come home last night, he didn’t call me, he didn’t text me, he was mad.
I called in sick again today, not able to leave the security of the apartment, I didn’t want to see anyone, most of all, I didn’t want to face Ryan.
I couldn’t bring myself to eat, everything made me feel sick, as I sat around, waiting for Nathan to come back, I thought about the mistakes I had made, since the moment Ryan arrived I had been making them, if I was honest from the start, none of this would have happened.
When there was a knock at the apartment door, my heart leapt in my chest, for a split second, I thought it could be him, I thought that maybe he was willing to give me a chance, to talk, but reality sunk in as I realised that if it was him, he’d use his key.
I went to the door, pulling it open, and instantly regretting my decision.
“Ryan” I breathed “What do you want?” I demanded.
“I want to talk, to make sure you’re ok” Ryan said.
“I’m fine” I muttered.
“You look like a mess” Ryan breathed.
“That’s what I need, insults” I said, shaking my head and attempting to close the door.
“Sim, come on” Ryan said.
I sighed, letting him into the apartment and sighing as I shut the door.
“I screwed up, I lead you on” I mumbled.
“You kind of did, if I knew you had a boyfriend…” Ryan began.
“I know” I breathed, cutting him off and bitting my lip “I know you’re not that type of guy, but it’s so clear to me now that I am that type of girl, I made comments, I flirted right back at you, I cheated on my boyfriend in more ways than one” I mumbled.
“He left?” Ryan asked.
I nodded “You obviously heard the conversation” I sighed.
“I hung up, do you want to talk about it?” Ryan questioned.
I closed my eyes and shook my head “I feel like crap Ry, Nathan’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I, I fucked up” I said, shaking slightly.
Ryan sighed, nearing me and wrapping his arms around me, I buried my head in his chest and let some stray tears fall, I hated how much it hurt.
The slamming of the front door, snapped me from my momentary trans, I pulled myself away from Ryan’s grasp, instantly regretting even letting him into the apartment.
“Nate…” I began.
His face was unreadable, but I knew he was still angry.
“I just came to get something” he said, his eyes flickering to Ryan “I was hoping to talk, but hey, you’ve got company” He hissed, shaking his head and going off to his room.
“I…” I began.
“I’ll go, just talk to him” Ryan said, sighing and taking off.
I went to Nathan’s room, crindging as I heard him banging a few things around.
“Please, listen to me” I said softly to myself before pushing open the door.
“Nathan” I breathed, catching his attention, he turned, his eyes dead on mine, they were full of not only anger but pain “Can we talk?” I mumbled, bracing myself for his response.
“Why? What’s the point?” Nathan demanded “I leave for one night and come back to find you in someone else’s arms, what’s better, that someone I take it was Ryan” He breathed.
“It isn’t what you think!” I exclaimed, shaking my head “I didn’t ask him to come, he just did, he was worried about me” I breathed.
Nathan shook his head “So naturally you end up with him all over you” he breathed.
“He was hugging me Nate, it was a hug” I mumbled.
“You know, if that was all it was, I’d be fine with it, but when I asked you how you felt about him…” Nathan began.
“I don’t feel anything for him, I promise you that…” I attempted.
“You hesitated, I’m not so insane to think hey, you’re my girlfriend, you can only have feelings for me, but it’s more than that, you kissed him” Nathan breathed, his eyes growing dark.
“It was a kiss that meant absolutely nothing” I said.
“A kiss always means something, there’s always a reason” Nathan breathed, he wasn’t facing me now, instead he was packing some things into a bag.
“You’re moving out?” I asked, my voice failing me.
Nathan sighed “I’m staying with a friend” he said.
“Is this it? Are we breaking up?” I asked, shaking.
“Why? You want to know how long till you can go jump into Dr Ryan’s arm’s?” Nathan demanded, bitterness coating every word.
I cringed “I don’t want Ryan, I want you, how can I fight for you if you won’t tell me what we are” I mumbled.
“I just need some space, I need to think, I don’t know what we are” Nathan sighed “All I know is that you did something that I, I don’t know if I can forgive” He breathed.
“You don’t have to leave, I can leave” I mumbled.
Nathan shook his head “This is your apartment, besides, I need to be away from any reminders, I just need to be alone” he said.
“For how long?” I asked.
“I don’t know” Nathan sighed.
“But you will come back, eventually?” I asked.
“I don’t know, but what I do know is that every time I look at you, I can see him all over you, and I just, I can’t look at you, I can’t be around you” Nathan breathed, he pulled the bag over his shoulder “I’ll, I’ll see you” he sighed.
I moved away, letting him out, feeling everything begin to crash down, he might as well have said we were done, because I could see in his eyes that he was never going to forgive me.