Trouble

After two weeks of recovery, I was finally able to leave the hospital, we had had a short ceremony for the baby, Kaitlyn, in the church chapel, it almost broke the both of us, but Nathan and I got through it, with the support of our parents and Ashley and Brian, and now we were just going day by day.
Nathan drove us home from the hospital and complete silence filled the car, apart from the radio.
“You ok?” Nathan asked as we pulled up at the apartment block.
I nodded, closing my eyes for a second “I don’t know how I’ll be seeing all the baby stuff though” I whispered shakily.
“My mum and Ash sorted it all” Nathan said.
My eyes flickered open and I turned to him “They got rid of everything?” I asked.
“No” Nathan sighed “But they dealt with it, it’s not in the apartment” he said.
“Why’d they keep it?” I frowned.
“They didn’t know what you’d want, so Ash took everything” Nathan said.
“I want it burnt” I whispered.
Nathan’s face fell “Babe…” He began.
I pushed open the car door and stepped out, a cool wind hitting me.
Nathan exited the car too “Is that how you feel though? You want it gone for good?” He asked.
“We brought all of it for our daughter, and now out daughter is dead” I snapped “Why would I want to keep any of it?” I demanded.
“Ok” Nathan sighed “I’ll tell them to get rid of it all” he said.
We went up to the apartment now, still in silence, as he pushed open the door he slid aside, letting me in.
I went instantly to my room, shaking as I shut the door, I felt sick, I felt broken.
As I sat down on the bed I spotted something, it was a photo frame and inside was my first ultrasound, Nathan had organised it after we had decided to keep the baby.
I picked it up, staring at it for a second, it was then that I lost it, I ran my finger over the image before angrily throwing it against the wall.
The frame slid down as a crash of glass rang through my ears, I broke down, sobbing.
Nathan pushed open the door, a look of alarm on his face, his eyes sat on the ground, the broken photo frame lay shattered, the image face up.
Nathan stepped over it, sitting against the bed and wrapping me in his arms, he didn’t speak, he barley breathed, he just held me whilst I sobbed.

We had stayed the way we were for a long time, silence filling the small space.
Until finally he spoke “Talk to me” he said softly.
It was something we hadn’t been able to do, talk, for the extent of our relationship, talking was our thing, we’d talk for hours on end, but these past two weeks, things had been different.
“I don’t know what to say” I whispered.
Nathan sighed, silence once again filling space.
“Nate” I croaked “I hate this”.
“I do to” Nathan breathed.
“We have to try and move on” I mumbled.
“How?” Nathan asked.
“I don’t know” I mumbled.
Nathan slid from the bed, bending down to pick something up, he turned back, the ultrasound picture in his hands “Maybe erasing the whole thing isn’t the way to go here” he sighed.
“What do you suggest?” I asked.
“We could do something, make something, to represent the baby, to hold onto that memory” Nathan breathed, looking at the image.
“A book?” I asked.
Nathan placed the image on the bed before taking off, causing me to frown, he was gone a short while, I almost went to follow, but when he came back, he was holding onto something.
They had to make a wrist band for the baby, for, for them to know who she was” he said softly, handing me the tiny hospital band.
It read: *Baby Girl Varest/Daimler*
I sniffled slightly “This and the picture” I said.
“And” Nathan sounded, taking off again, when he came back he handed me a dummy, a golden one “It was for a charm bracelet” Nathan sighed.
“I have a box somewhere, we can put everything in it” I mumbled.
Nathan nodded “We can keep some of the clothes” he suggested.
I nodded.
“If this is too much…” Nathan attempted.
I shook my head “This idea, it only makes me love you more, it proves to me that you are so strong and that with you I can move on from this” I mumbled.
Nathan kissed me on the forehead “I love you” he said softly.
I pulled myself away from him and let my eyes focus on his for a second “If you want out…” I began, shifting my glance, looking around.
“Out of what?” Nathan frowned, cutting me off.
“Us” I mumbled “Nate, if being with me hurts you too much because of this…” I attempted.
“I don’t know why you’re even thinking that I’d want out” Nathan breathed.
“I just don’t want you to think you need to stay with me out of obligation” I mumbled.
“I’m not staying with you out of obligation” Nathan frowned “Clearly you underestimate how much I actually love you” he added.
“Losing a baby changes everything Nate” I mumbled.
Nathan placed his hand on my cheek lightly, forcing me to look at him “Have things changed for you?” he asked, suddenly it was all too clear that I was fiddling with the engagement ring on my finger.
“No” I whispered, clearly unsure.
Nathan’s face fell and he let go of me, sliding off the bed “If you want out” he breathed “I’ll walk away” he added.
I could clearly see hurt flickering through his eyes, pain rippling through him.
I closed my eyes for a second before flickering them open again and looking at him “I don’t know what I want right now” I mumbled.
“Maybe I should move out then, maybe we both need some space” Nathan sighed.
“I think that’s a good idea” I breathed.
And that was that, no screaming, no crying, it was civil, which scared me.