Beautiful Soul

I left the hospital early the next morning with direct orders to take a couple off. Dr. Pena had lectured me on how I should make sure my wrap wasn’t too tight, and how I should be careful around others with my secret.

“Thanks again, Dr. Pen-” I started to thank him for keeping my secret, but he stopped me, raising his hand up.

“Don’t thank me. If anyone asks, I won’t hesitate to reveal the truth, Alex.” he stated, holding a stern look on his face. I knew he was telling the truth.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less.” I replied.

“Good, now take care.” he said, turning towards the counter and putting things in the cabinet.

---

Saturday came sooner than I thought it would, which meant we had our performance. Well, they had their performance. I was nowhere near the condition to perform according to Dr. Pena. I hated having to leave them hanging, but I didn’t really have a choice. None of the three knew of my situation yet. I’d have to tell them soon so they would have enough time to figure out how they’d do it without me.

Deciding who to tell first was my problem. I didn’t want to tell Lee Am, and I especially didn’t want to tell Holden. Even though I hadn’t told him, I felt horrible. It hurt me to know that I was letting him down.
Both Lee Am and Holden had been working surely hard the past couple days in planning and perfecting the performance. I knew they’d be disappointed, but I hoped they would understand. Oliver didn’t even show up to half of the practices, or even put much effort into it at all. He probably wouldn’t even care if I showed up or not, making my decision a little easier. He would be the one I’d tell first.

Finding Oliver was the issue. I had no idea where he would be, so I went to the most obvious place I could think of. His dorm. Which was also Lee Am’s dorm

I cautiously knocked on the door of the dorm room, silently hoping that Lee Am wasn’t there. After a few minutes of waiting and no one answering, I knocked again, but this time more forcefully. The door opened just before I sent my fist for another knock, sending my fist flying into the person who opened the door. Oliver it was. Just my luck. I hit him square in the jaw, and pretty forcefully, too.

I took a major step back, biting my lip. “I’m so sor-” I began, but Oliver wasn’t listening. He walked towards me as I slowly back away. Déjà vu came over me as I realized this was just like the time he figured out I was a girl, and the time in the gymnasium. I bumped into the hallway wall, silently cursing for letting myself get into the situation again.

Oliver slammed his hand on the wall a few inches from my head, causing me to flinch. “Don’t think I won’t hit you just because you’re a girl. Remember our little situation in the gym?” he said, cocking his head to the side.

“I distinctly remember Holden winning that fight.” I said quietly. Anger overtook his expression. I knew I shouldn’t have said that, but I couldn’t help myself. I let it slip before my brain could tell me to shut up.

“Oh, bitch, you’re going to wish you didn’t say that.” he responded, cracking his knuckles against the wall. He removed his hands from the wall, bringing his fist back signifying that he was getting ready to hit me.

“Oliver, stop!” Lee Am’s voice never sounded so amazing to me than right at that moment. Oliver looked back, finding his roommate rushing toward him. Oliver pushed off the wall and backed away as Lee Am had told him. Why had he backed down so easily to Lee Am?

“You’re lucky this time, Alexander.” he glared at me fiercely.

Lee Am walked towards me, looking at me up and down, “You okay, Alexandrier?” he asked, a concerned look on his face.

“I’m fine. He didn’t do anything.” I answered, pushing myself away from the wall.

“Well, what the hell do you want?” Oliver interrupted, raising an eyebrow in my direction. His anger had somewhat subsided within the minute it took Lee Am to look over me.

I looked at Lee Am, wish that he wasn’t here at the moment so I’d have a little more time to prepare myself. Maybe it was easier this way, though. I could just get it over with by telling both of them at the same time.

I swallowed hard, “This isn’t easy for me to say, trust me.” I couldn’t keep my eyes away from Lee Am. Another look of concern drew across his face. “I hate doing this, I really do. I can’t make it to the performance today.” I let out a sigh as I finally let the words come out of my mouth. Oliver’s face lay emotionless as if he didn’t care while Lee Am’s looked as though he understood.

“Is that all? Really?” Oliver said, shaking his head as if disappointed. “Damn, here I thought you were going to tell us you were leaving. Guess it’s not my lucky day.” he replied, turning around and walking back to his dorm.

I watched the door for a couple seconds after, turning my gaze back to Lee Am for his response. He nodded.

“I understand. It’s okay.” he said, and I let out another sigh, This time it was a sigh of relief. “You’ve been through a lot the past couple days. We can work something out to take percussion out of the performance.” he smiled reassuringly, placing a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it lightly.

“Thank you so much, Lee Am.” I said, smiling back to him appreciatively. At least he was understanding. I could only hope Holden would be the same

---

I walked into our dorm cautiously as I had before. Holden was sitting at his desk, music sheets in front of him. He looked up as I closed the door, sending a smile in my direction. I looked down to avoid his gaze.
“Hey, Alex, what’s up?” he asked nonchalantly while I sat on my bed. I couldn’t look at him. I knew as soon as I told him, he would be disappointed, but there was no avoiding it.

“I have…to tell you something.” I managed to get the words out slowly, but my voice cracked as I said the words.

He instantly knew something was wrong. I could tell by the way he jumped up and rushed to my side. “Did something happen? Are you okay? Was it Oliver? Serenity?” he asked so quickly, I could almost feel my head spinning with the answers to every single question he asked.

“It wasn’t them, Holden.” I replied, giving him an answer to one of his questions. I avoided his gaze by watching my hands fidget nervously in my lap. “I can’t make it to the performance. I know you’re probably disappointed in me and you probably think I’m just out to ruin your music career, I totally get that. I’m completely sorry I have to let you down like this. It hurts me-” I was cut off from being surprised when he placed his hand gently over mine and my hands stilled.

“I’m not disappointed in you. There’s no need to apologize. I understand that you’ve been through a lot lately, I wouldn’t expect anything less.” he said. I looked up at him seeing a gentle smile on his face. An understanding smile.

“Thank you.” I replied quietly.

We sat in silence for a couple seconds, watching each other. The seconds seemed like hours going by. Holden leaned forward a little bit, his face coming closer to mine. My phone rung, breaking the eye contact between the two of us. Holden pulled back, sighing out of frustration as I glanced at the caller ID on my phone. It was Ander.

I stood up from my sitting position, “Hey, Ander,” I said as I answered the call, my voice still somewhat shaky, “what’s up?” I asked, walking to the opposite side of the room.

“I mean to call you yesterday, I really did. I just got so caught up in my medical check-ups. I promise you I meant to call.” he answered frantically.

“Why? What’s going on?” I asked suspiciously.

“It’s Dad’s funeral. It’s at three today. I am so sorry I didn’t call yesterday!” he nearly screamed through the phone. I pulled the phone away from my ear a little.

‘“And, it’s okay.” I accepted his apology.

He sighed in relief, “Oh, thank God.”

I chuckled a bit, shaking my head, “Ander, I’m pretty sure you’re the only one I know who doesn’t ask if someone is sure that it’s okay. You just assume what they’re telling you is the truth.”

“What can I say? I don’t dwell in the moment.” he laughed a little himself, but quickly went on to the next thing, “I suggest coming about an hour early.” he finished on a more serious note.

“I’ll be there.” I said, noticing a hint of sadness in my voice.

Without saying goodbye, we both hung up. I placed my phone back into the front pocket of my jeans. I turned around, expecting Holden to be sitting on my bed, but he wasn’t. He was gone. I glanced toward the bathroom, but the door was wide open. I turned toward his desk, and there he was. He was standing directly in front of it holding a black dress up from a hanger. It looked as though it went down to about mid-thigh and had ruffles at the bottom. The collar hung low, but not low enough to expose anything. It was simple and beautiful.

“What is this?” I asked while staring at the dress.

“It’s for you. I bought it the other day. I was unsure whether or not to give it to you, but I might as well.” he held the dress out toward me.

“Why?”

“I wanted to get you something, and I didn’t know what to get you. I don’t know why exactly that I bought a dress, but I did. Plus, I knew you’d look, well, beautiful.” he responded, his cheeks flushing as he complimented me.

“Thank you, Holden. I really appreciate it.” I replied, taking the dress from his hand. The fabric felt soft between my fingers.

“It’s nothing really. Just a gift.” he said. I smiled at his bashfulness.

I looked at the clock, noticing that it was close to noon. I’d have to begin getting ready.

“I’m coming with you.” Holden said after a moment of silence.

I shook my head, “You need to go to the performance. You’re the lead in the song.” I argued. We couldn’t leave only Lee Am and Oliver. There would be no performance without the main vocals.

“I don’t care. We can reschedule the performance. I’m going with you.” he argued back, his eyes staring directly into mine. There was no changing his mind. I could see it in his eyes.

I looked away from his eyes, “Fine, but we need to leave soon so I can change somewhere.” I said, pushing past him softly to grab my duffle bag I had strictly for this reason. I unzipped the bag to make sure my extensions were still in there from the last time I had to dress as myself. Inside the bag laid my light blue dress, my extensions, my make-up, pantyhose, high heels, and a bra. I hid the bag from Holden’s view as I quickly threw the black dress over the bra and zipped the bag.

“Okay, I have everything.” I said, feeling the heat radiate across my face.

“Including the bra.” Holden pointed out, a small smirk on his face.

My face automatically heated more than it had before. I covered my face with my hands out of embarrassment. He hadn’t only seen it, but pointed it out, too. “God, Holden.” I murmured into my hands, leaving them near my face.

“What? Are you embarrassed?” he asked. I could hear that the smirk was still there by the playful tone of his voice.

I shook my head and uncovered my face, “Just shut up.” I replied, turning back around to my duffle bag. I grabbed it and threw it over my shoulder, “Come on. We need to go.” I finished, heading for the door. I grabbed the knob to turn it, but Holden put his hand over mine.

“You know you can talk to me about anything, right?” I could feel the heat radiating from his body behind me. When I didn’t respond, he continued, “I just thought I should let you know.”
I nodded, but didn’t say anything. He took his hand off mine, and I continued to open the door.

The convenient store we drove to had a family restroom. It was the only restroom there, meaning Holden and I would have to dress in the same room. Thankfully there were stalls.

I walked into the first stall while Holden walked into the third. He respected my privacy, and I appreciated that. I took off Ander’s clothes, starting with the shoes and making my way up. I pulled my pale pantyhose over my legs and up past my hips. I took the dress out of my bag, slipping it over my head after putting my bra on. The dress didn’t have a zipper which I wasn’t fond of. I preferred zippers for some reason.

I proceeded by smooth out the dress. At this point, Holden had already left his stall and was waiting out by the sinks. I used the small mirror I had found in our bathroom in the dorm to put my extensions in and put on eyeliner and mascara. I shoved my feet into the two-inch heels, feeling wobbly by just standing there. I hadn’t worn the shoes for while which made it difficult for me to walk in them.

After looking myself over again for what seemed to be the millionth time, I opened the stall door and walked out. Holden was looking at himself in the mirror until he saw me. He hadn’t turned around yet, but he was looking at me through the mirror. His mouth hung open slightly while he stared at me. I smoothed out my dress a little, looking down as I did, feeling somewhat uncomfortable.

I looked up and noticed he was still staring. I cleared a throat subtly, hoping it would make stop him from staring. He turned around, not understanding my hint. He looked me up and down, walking closer as he did.

“Wow,” he stopped walking when he was about a foot away from me, “You look beautiful.” he stated as he continued to look.

“Thank you, but can you please stop staring so much. I feel self-conscious as it is.” I asked him, trying to say it in the nicest way possible.

He shook his head, “Oh, sorry,” he apologized as he looked away from me, “I guess I just couldn’t help myself.” He smiled as he said this.

“It’s okay.” I replied, continuing shortly after, “you look pretty handsome yourself.” I complimented, feeling a small blush cover my cheeks.

“Thanks, I guess, but I just threw this on.” he said, a small grin spreading to his lips.

We made our way out of the bathroom as I checked the time on my phone. It was nearly one, meaning we still had an hour or so to get to the funeral home. Ander had texted me the name of the funeral home and I had recognized it instantly. It was the same home mom’s funeral was in.

Mom had been buried and had her funeral in Sampsel, California due to it being her hometown and most of her family lived there. Dad had always said he wanted his funeral to be exactly where Mom’s was and that he would be buried directly beside her. She was the love of his life and he was hers. They were madly in love and no one would change that. He never remarried after she died. Now they’d be together forever.

Sampsel was about a thirty minute drive from Hartman, which meant we could easily drive there. We stopped by Holden’s house to grab his car, and thankfully his parents weren’t there. There would have been a lot to explain considering he was dating Serenity.

We drove to Sampsel in silence. I could feel Holden’s eyes on me every few seconds, but then he’d turn them back to the road quickly as he started to swerve to correct himself. He wasn’t being careful, which somewhat scared me.

I absolutely hated cars. Ever since Mom died in her accident, I’d never been able to get in a car without freaking out. I would have panic attacks when I was younger, though they subtly went away. I had even panicked for a little while after Ander’s accident. I hadn’t had a panic attack when in a car for a while, and I hoped that I wouldn’t have another one anytime soon.

Holden looked over to me again, “Are you doing all right?” he asked, as he continued to watch me.

I looked back at him, nodding before I answered, “I’m okay. Just a little tired, I guess.” I couldn’t help but lie. I didn’t want him knowing about the panic attacks. They didn’t happen often and they were pretty pathetic, so I chose to keep it a secret.

He turned his head back in time to swerve out of the way of an oncoming car. I squeezed my eyes shut as I noticed my heart started to race. The panic attack had begun. I held my hands together as they began to shake. I breathed in deeply, trying my best to control my breathing.

I hadn’t noticed that he car had stopped until I opened my eyes. I turned toward him and noticed his look of concern. “Alex? What’s wrong?” he asked, his eyes frantically looking over me. I couldn’t find my voice in order to respond. My throat felt as though it was slowly closing up.

My hands continued to shake for a few more minutes along with my quickly beating heart. Holden hadn’t asked any further questions, but he was still looking over me. He didn’t continue driving. I hadn’t had an attack this bad in months. The last time was a few weeks after Ander’s accident.

The clenching feeling in my throat subsided after about five minutes. The panic attack hadn’t lasted as long as I expected it to, thankfully. Holden was watching me quietly, waiting for me to speak. “I’m okay.” I said, taking a deep breath to make sure my panic attack was over.

“What happened?” Holden asked me, concern showing on his face once again.

I sighed. I didn’t really want to talk about it, but I knew Holden probably wouldn’t let it go. “It was a panic attack, Holden.” I didn’t want to say anything further, but Holden gave me a look which pressured me to continue. “A panic attack is-” he cut me off.

“I know what a panic attack is, Alex.” he said rather matter-of-factly.

“I didn’t know.” I responded, giving him a slight glare.

“I want to know why you had one.” he pressured.

I sighed again, looking down at my lap, “I’d never had one until after my mom died.” he looked somewhat surprised as I said this, “She died in a car accident. A drunk driver hit her head on.” I paused for a minute, remembering my mom, “After that, every time I would get in a vehicle, I’d have a panic attack. Dad never took me to a doctor about it; he just figured it was because of mom. Dad wouldn’t do anything about it. He was stuck in his own sorrow. Ander was always the one who would talk me through them. We didn’t know it was a panic attack. I didn’t know until I finally looked into it. I read articles online and researched at our local library. I self-diagnosed myself.

Gradually, the attacks lessened. They eventually stopped until Ander’s car accident. They picked back up a little, but they weren’t as bad as they were after Mom died. Again, they lessened to nothing until now when that car came close to hitting us.” I finished, locking my hands together.

“I’m so sorry, Alex. I wasn’t paying attention to the road. If I had known, I would have kept my eye on the road at all times. I promise to pay more attention. I’m so sorry.” he apologized.

I shook my head, “It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to.” I accepted his apology.

“But it’s not okay. I should’ve been paying attention in the first place. If I did, this wouldn’t have happened. It’s my fault.” he replied.

“Holden, stop it.” I said, and he looked at me. I turned my head to look at him, too. “Quit blaming yourself. You didn’t know. It’s not your fault.” I told him.

He mumbled something that wasn’t comprehensible to my ears, but I ignored it. I turned back, facing out the windshield. Holden started the engine and began to drive once again.

Holden didn’t look away from the road the rest of the drive. When we got to Sampsel, Holden turned his GPS on, typing in the address I told him. He followed the directions all the way to the funeral home, which wasn’t too far away from where we entered the town. He parked in an empty parking spot. I had only seen a few cars in the parking lot, noticing that none of them were recognizable.

I breathed in deeply as Holden shut the car off. I sat with my hands on either side of me. I felt Holden’s gaze on me, “Are you ready?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be, honestly.” I answered.