Terrible Love

“Auntie Aspen, will you watch Mulan with me?” The small blonde girl ran over to the couch I was laying on and jumped onto my stomach, pressing her forehead against mine as she smiled at me. “Why are you sleeping? It’s only four thirty!” She gasped as I let out a small yawn and then wrapped my arms around her, pulling her into a bear hug. As she squealed and laughed, I pulled my body off of the couch and walked us into the kitchen, setting her down on a stool near the island.

Turning away from her, I started rummaging through the fridge for some fruit when Madelyn called my name and asked where her parents had ‘run off too’. Shaking my head, I turned to her and laughed. “They went to buy some food to make dinner tonight.”

“I hope they remember my fruity pebbles.” She huffed as she placed her small elbows on the counter and held her face up in her hands. “Mommy says it’s hard to keep cereal around because Daddy always eats it at three o’clock in the morning.”

Letting out a loud laugh, I pictured Patrick waking up in his pajamas and eating a huge bowl of Fruity Pebbles in the middle of his huge dark kitchen. Although the site was hilarious, the actions weren’t too big of a surprise.

“Daddy said that Brandon, Kris, Uncle Patrick, Andy, and Seahorse are coming soon for some ‘Guys Party’”, she ended in air quotes causing another laugh to leave my throat as I finally found a bowl full of cut up mangoes and strawberries. Pulling it out, I set it down near Madelyn and pelleld the plastic off. Sitting next to her, I grabbed a slice of a mango.

“It’s a party before Uncle Jon gets married.”

Madelyn sighed as she took a bite into a strawberry and rolled her eyes. “I don’t want Uncle Jon to get married” She sighed, holding the last word out in a long breath before grabbing another strawberry. “Why can’t he marry someone fun? Laura just says Hi and then talks to all of the grown ups about coral and other stupid stuff.”

“It’s just because she’s excited about getting married.”

“Well, Seahorse calls her a gold digger, I don’t know what that means, but he told me not to repeat it.” Her cheeks flushed pink as she looked over at me, eyes wide, “You can’t repeat it.” She said quickly causing me to start laughing. Partly because of her reaction to the secret she had just spilled and partly because she still called Brent Seabrook ‘Seahorse’.

When she was first starting to talk, she was introduced to the guys and when Brent asked her is she could day ‘Seabrook’, she replied with ‘Seahorse’, and the nickname had been stuck ever since.

“Cross my heart, I won’t tell anyone.”

“Promise?” Madelyn threatened as she held a slice of a mango up to me and smiled.

“I promise.” I laughed as she gave me a solemn nod and then took a bite from the mango, waving it in the air as she looked around the kitchen and then looked back at me.

“Daddy says that you built our house.” She smiled warmly at me.

“Oh no, I just designed it. A bunch of muscular men built it according to the way I drew it.” I whispered, letting my eyes run across the high vaulted ceilings and swirling countertops. “They did a good job, huh?”

Nodding, Madelyn turned to me and smiled. “Mommy and Daddy always talk about how they can’t wait to come here in the summers. They love you a lot, ya know. They would like, adopt you if you weren’t so old.”

“So old?” I laughed as I turned to her. “I’m only twenty-four.”

“That’s twenty years older than me!” She exclaimed. “That’s a lot.”

“I guess so, huh?” I hummed as I grabbed another slice of fruit, offered the bowl to Madelyn and watched as she grabbed a few strawberries and then hopped off of the chair. Humming quietly to herself, she wandered into the living room as I put the fruit back into the fridge and pulled my cell phone out of my back pocket.

As I clicked the side button to check the screen, I watched as Jon’s name popped up twice. Once telling me I had five missed calls, and the second time telling me I had three missed text messages.

Sighing, I opened the messages and watched as three grey bubbles popped up begging me to answer the phone and give him a call back when I got the chance. When I noticed that the messages were from three hours ago, I groaned and then quickly looked over to the living room to see the blonde lying on the couch, flipping through TV channels.

Heart racing, I pinched the bridge of my nose as I clicked on Jon’s name, then the little phone symbol.

It didn’t even ring four times before Jon answered. “Aspen, what-“

“Is everything okay?”

“No, no it’s not.” He said, anger fusing with his words. “How could you just bail on me like this? It’s not… I’m not mad about it.”

Swallowing hard, I inhaled sharply and shook my head. “Yeah, well I am.” My heart started to pound as I listened to the silence on the other end of the phone. “How could you put me in a situation like that, huh? How can you pin your insecurities on me?”

“I didn’t pin anything on you, Aspen. I just-“

“You can’t ask someone that two months before you get married.” I hissed, trying to keep my vice down so Maddie didn’t hear me.

“I needed to know, and now I know.” He whispered, pain lingering in his voice. “Let’s just move on.”

I grinded my teeth together, my heart racing as I thought about blurting out how much I loved Jon over the phone. I wondered what he would say, how he would react. I did love him, I loved him probably as much as he loved me, but I also had respect for other people’s relationships.

Head pulsing, I listened as Madelyn called me from the living room. Informing her I would be right there, Jon sighed into the phone. “How are the Sharp’s?”

“Fine, bad at giving advice as usual.”

“You think they of all people would be able to give good advice seeing as they’ve been together since the beginning of time and have one of the most functional families I had ever seen.” I could just see Jon rolling his eyes as he leaned against the counter in my kitchen.

“Madelyn gives better advice than her parents, frightening, eh?”

“I expect nothing less.” Jon laughed and then after a minute or two, he asked me when I was coming back to the house.

I wanted to say never, but instead I rolled my eyes into the back of my head, clenched my jaw, and sighed. “I’ll pick you up tomorrow and then we can go get Pat at the airport, alright?”

“That sounds good. I’m sorry again about this Aspen, I just… I just need some verification that I’m making the right choice here. I… You were always my first choice but-“

“Jon, please, I can’t do this right now.” I whispered, the urge to start crying from the frustration building in my stomach. “I have to go watch Maddie, I’ll call you-“

“Aspen, why can’t you just tell me the truth?”

“I am.”

“You’re not.”

I stayed silent, my heart racing as I listened to Jon’s breathing through the phone.

“I am.”

“Aspen, do you…”

The room started to spin as I felt my lips part. Just as I was about to tell him, I changed my mind and spit out a short goodbye.

“I’ll see you tomorrow night.”

Then, I hung up.



I didn’t want to go back to my house.

I had thought about it for hours, thought about how I just hung up on him. It created a fire in my stomach that made me feel nauseous and on edge. I didn’t understand why he was doing this, I didn’t understand how he was oblivious to the damage this was doing on our friendship.

Our twenty-four year friendship.

My whole life I had been friends with him. Break-ups and deaths in the family, graduating college and winning Stanley cups, we had been there for each other through it all. I was the only female besides Jonathan Toews mother that had seen him cry. He was the only guy on the face of the planet that I could tolerate. Even my own father had reached the point of unbearable several times in my life.

“Hey, are you going to be okay driving back?” Patrick asked as he walked into the kitchen, his big blue eyes filled with worry as he examined me leaning against the counter with another tea in between my hands. “I’m a little worried about you.”

“No need”, I sighed as I blinked a few times and looked up to him. “I’m fine, just didn’t get much sleep last night. Did the girls catch anything?” I quickly changed the subject, letting the thoughts of Jon and I shift to the back of my mind.

Looking passed him and out to the backyard where Madelyn was sitting on the deck with her feet hanging over the edge and a mini-pink fishing pole in her hands. Next to her was her mother, holding Sadie like usual, kicking her feet back and forth.

“They love you, you know.” Patrick whispered as soon as he noticed my eyes connected onto the other three fourths of his family. “Like, a lot.”

“I know.”

“Like even if I get traded, or retire, or anything, you’ll always have us to go to, alright?” He asked, his hand resting on my shoulder as I dropped my eyes back into my mug, letting my eyes run down the small string that disappeared into the dark liquid.

With a nod, Patrick pulled me into a side hug and then took a step away, looking back outside. “Come chill for a little before you go, Madelyn has not shut up about you.”

Laughing, I took a small sip from my mug and followed behind Patrick out of the back doors and into the long patch of green grass. As we got closer to the girls, I caught onto Madelyn’s conversation with her mother.

“But why doesn’t Uncle Jon just marry Aspen?” She barked, jerking her head to the side to glare at her mother. “They’re together all of the time anyway, what’s the difference?”

Abby sighed and raked a hand through her hair as she stopped swinging her legs. “It’s not that simple, Maddie. Uncle Jon is already engaged to-“

“But she’s so annoying. She doesn’t even like me, she doesn’t like daddy or you or Sadie, I don’t understand!” The blonde cried out as she placed her fishing pole down next to her, crossing her tiny arms against her chest and shaking her head. “Uncle Jon is stupid. Aspen is the most prettiest girl ever and she’s good at math and she can build houses and Laura is just a gold digger!”

“Hey, hey, hey!” Patrick picked up his speed as mine slowed down. As he reached the little blonde he sat down next to her and quickly reeled in her line and placed her fishing pole away from them. “Enough about this alright, if Uncle Jon is happy, you have to be happy. That’s what you do when you care about people”

“No I don’t.” Madelyn snapped, “I’m not going to his stupid wedding and I’m not going to Auntie Aspen’s dinner and I’m not talking to him anymore.”

“Hey, enough.” Patrick shot at her, his words holding a fatherly tone that I had never heard from him before.

Madelyn let out a squeal of anger and quickly pulled herself off of the dock and turned away form her parents. When she spotted me, her little forehead crinkled and she marched up to me, her normally light blue eyes dark. “Why can’t you just tell Uncle Jon you love him too, Aspen?” She barked, her little hands jerking to her sides. “I heard you talking to him the other day, and I heard you talking to mommy and daddy. Why are you so stupid? Why can’t you just tell him instead of hiding it from him?”

I was speechless as I stared at her. Lips parting, I went to speak when she continued.

“If you let Uncle Jon marry her I never want to see you ever, ever, again.”

With that, the small blonde stormed inside and slammed the door shut behind her. As the air around me stayed silent, I carefully closed my mouth and looked down at my shoes as the small girls voice tore through my head. Just as I was about to turn around and go inside, Abby ran over to me and placed her hands on my shoulders.

Shaking her head, she pulled me into a tight hug when she noticed the fear and hurt in my eyes, and then held me out in front of her again. “She’s cranky, don’t listen to her, Aspen.”

“I should probably head home.” I mumbled and without another word turned from the woman and headed inside. As I slipped into the house, I hurriedly dumped the tea into the sink and placed the mug in the dishwasher. Jogging upstairs to the spare bedroom I had tried to sleep in the previous night, I quickly shoved a few stray pieces of clothing into the duffle bag and then zipped it up.

Grabbing my wallet, I hooked my keys onto my belt loop and then shoved my cell phone into my back pocket. Swallowing hard, I carefully made my way downstairs and then dropped my things by the front door.

Heart racing, I walked outside and took Patrick and Abby into two tight hugs, thanked them nearly ten times in a row, informed them they could come up early for the dinner I was going to throw for everyone, and then after kissing Sadie and making her laugh, I thanked them again and left.



When I got home, I stayed in my car for nearly a half hour. I just sat there, the engine turned off, staring at the garage door hanging in front of me. A part of me just wanted to turn the car back on and drive away. I didn’t want to see Jon, I didn’t want to get thrust back into this shit show that he had created. I didn’t want Madelyn to hate me or for the Sharp’s to feel bad for me.

I wanted everything to be normal. I wanted Jon to keep on talking about his wedding, I wanted Madelyn to squeal when she saw me, and I wanted to just keep on living the way I was. I just wanted to design houses, read books, drink tea, watch Jon’s games, and maybe buy a cat.

I didn’t want all of this unnecessary bullshit.

Blinking hard, I leaned my forehead against the steering wheel. Placing my hands on the edges of it, I went to slam my head back into my seat and let out a loud scream when a light knock on my window stopped me.

Turning to my left, I watched as Jon lowered his face down to my window and gave me a worried look. Once our eyes met, all I wanted to do was scream at him.

Biting down roughly on my lip, I unbuckled my seat belt and opened the door. When I stepped out, I looked up at the brunette and watched as he gave me another worried look.

“Are you going to come inside?” He asked quietly, his big brown eyes scanning mine as I tried my hardest to not look at him. When I didn’t answer for a few seconds, he asked me again, his hand gently resting on my shoulder.

Skin burning up, I quickly pulled my body away from Jon’s touch and slipped off of the cliff I had been tip-toeing towards for the last three days.

“No, I really don’t want to go inside”, I snapped causing Jon’s eyes to double in size. “I didn’t even want to come back to my own fucking house because of you. Do you know what this is doing to me, Jon? Do you know how fucking unnecessary this is? Do you even care that you’re ruining our friendship? Twenty-fucking-four years, Jon, you just want to fuck it up because you’re getting cold feet?” I ended in a scream, my eyes wide and cheeks hot as I watched Jon shake his head and quickly pull me over to the garage door, away from the center of my driveway where people could see the scene I was making.

“Just calm down.” He sighed as he typed in the code for my garage door and then as soon as it opened enough for us to slip in, moved us over and quickly shut it behind us. “I’m s-“

“Sorry isn’t going to fucking cut it this time.” I roared, slamming my foot down into the cement floors. “Madelyn hates me, the Sharp’s feel sorry for me, my head has been pounding for the past two days and it’s all you fault. It’s all because you don’t know what you want in life and expect everyone else to just figure it out for you.”

Jon sighed heavily and went to put his hands on my shoulders when I took a huge step away from him. “You’re the one that’s making a big deal out of the fact that I’m in love with you, I mean-“

“Like I should stop my whole life and fuck up everyone else’s because of that? You’re not some gift from God, Jon. You’re a fucking hockey player. You’re an asshole who doesn’t give a fuck about anyone else’s wants or needs or fucking feelings. You want the truth Jon, I’ve been in love with you since I was ten.” The silence that fell over us was thick and made it almost impossible to breathe. I felt like I was millions of miles above the atmosphere, struggling to keep a steady mind and gasping for what little air was available. “I have loved you for fourteen years, but I respected your relationships. I respected our friendship so much that I didn’t fucking dare say anything to you. Every time you got a girlfriend, I was happy for you, when I heard you were getting married, I was so excited for you Jon. I loved you to the point where I would rather see you happy with someone else than with me.”

“Aspen, ple-“

“But all of this shit, all of these interviews and decorations for your career, they went straight to your head. You used to give a fuck about other people, Jon. Now all you fucking care about is yourself. You’re fiancé is excited to marry you and all you can say is that she’s annoying. You’re selfish and I’m over it.”

Jon stayed silent, his eyes barreling into mine as I started to relax, the blood forcing its way through my veins like a raging storm started to calm, the fast beating in my chest started to decline, and the sickness that was swelling in my stomach started to disappear.

As Jon and I stood there for a few minutes, staring at each other, I quickly replayed all of the words I had thrown at him and cringed a little. “Sorry”, I breathed and without another word walked passed the brunette and headed into the house.

Breathing was easier when I found myself in my kitchen, my eyes tracing over the clean counters and dish-less sink. Inhaling deeply, I looked over toward the center of the room where the flowers Jon had bought me were turned toward the countertop, a light brown tinting the ends of he petals, the water a cloudy light green.

Walking over to the bouquet, I let out a heavy sigh and ran my fingers through the flowers, watching as the petals fell to the floor as I barely touched them. Frown deepening, I grabbed the large vase and walked over to the sink. Holding the dead flowers, I poured the water out. Once the vase was empty, I walked over to the garbage can and turned the vase over, letting the flowers tumble into the white garbage bag.

When the vase was empty, I placed it back on the counter, my eyes running over the foggy glass.

After a few minutes I tore my eyes from the vase as my hands quickly moved over to the junk drawer. Pulling it open, I shuffled through a few things until I found the little card that was placed in the bouquet. Holding it up to my face, I let my eyes run over the words again.

Over and over I read the little card, my heart pounding in my chest every time I reached the end. After the nineteenth time of reading it, I tore the little piece of paper in half and tossed it into the garbage.

“Aspen”, Jon whispered as he walked into the kitchen, his features holding a pained expression. “Aspen, I’m, so sorry I-“

Straightening my back, I turned to him and swallowed hard. I was not going to let him tear me down. I was not going to let him string me along like this. I was not going to let myself fall back in love with him, not now, not ever.

I was stronger than this.

“Once the wedding is over, I never want to hear form you again.”