Love for You

Behind her closed eyes, Jo could hear the sound of a high pitched crying. She thought she had been dreaming, so she shut her eyes even more tightly, blocking the sound with a pillow with the hope of getting a few more minutes of peaceful sleep. Minutes passed--which felt like forever to her--when she realized that the crying wouldn't stop and that she was, in fact, not dreaming. She slowly opened her eyes to see a tall figure hovering her baby's crib. She bolted right out of bed making her vision hazy and feeling like the room was spinning. She got up, not caring whether or not she would lose her balance, and reached to grab the tall figure by the back of their shirt.

James almost toppled backwards when a hand had yanked at his shirt. He securely held Jackson in his arms in case he completely fell down on his back. Luckily he was able to keep his balance and stood upright with the baby now content with sleeping in his arms, undisturbed by the sudden movement. He swore that his boy was such a heavy sleeper, he could sleep through an earthquake or any disaster for that matter.

After the episode Jo had in her parents' kitchen, it took over an hour before James could successfully calm her down. He carried her painfully thin figure--something he didn't notice until he lifted her like a feather--up the stairs to lay her down on the bed. She started to sob once again when he told her that he was going to the guest room, begging him to stay with her and telling him that she didn't want to be alone.

He laid next to her, rubbing her arms that felt like nothing but bones. He studied her as she slept, noticing the way her skin felt much colder and more pale. All the life in her body appeared to have been sucked out by God knows what. He looked back at the time when he first met her; she was happy, so full of life with her California tan and long bouncy hair. He compared that to what he saw now and saw a different woman. Her hair had gone uncut for months, dull and limp. He peered over her shoulder and saw the dark circles around her eyes and how dry her lips were. She wasn't the Jo that he remembered a year ago.

She was so damn beautiful on their wedding day. James didn't think she could look much more stunning than she looked before until he saw her walking down the aisle in a simple white lace wedding gown that Edith and her sister helped pick out for her. Seeing her that day nearly brought tears in his eyes. He just couldn't believe that he was marrying her. He couldn't thank whoever was listening to him up there for bringing such an amazing woman in his life. He truly felt like the luckiest man in the world.

When they found out that Jo was pregnant, James couldn't contain his happiness. He lifted her up right in the middle of her OB/GYN's office, showering her with kisses and 'I love you's.' Though they didn't plan on having children within the first few years into their marriage, he was still ecstatic about having children with the woman of his dreams. However, James couldn't say the same about Jo. She smiled and nodded as she diligently listened to the doctor who explained the next step in her pregnancy journey.

James expected Jo to be the one who would talk nonstop about their baby but he found himself doing all the talking on their way home from the doctors. When they got home, she went straight to their bedroom in Nashville and locked herself in their room until late at night when James had to use force to open the door. He had given her space the whole day that day and figured that it was just a lot to take in. When the sun set and she hadn't come out, he started to feel like it wasn't just stress that was getting to her. When he finally got the door to open later on that night, he just saw her laying on her side, blankly looking out the window.

He tried getting her to talk to him but nothing worked. Three days later, she went about her day as if nothing had happened prior to that. When he would bring up the baby, she would stir the conversation to a different direction. She went on with her pregnancy much more smoothly after that. She followed the directions her doctor gave her, took all her vitamins, maintained a balanced diet fit for her and the baby, and exercised daily. James had even suggested taking an expecting couples yoga class he had read about online thinking that maybe Jo would enjoy that. She took him up on his offer and while James felt a little awkward being in a room full of pregnant women and their equally uncomfortable partners, he saw that Jo liked the class. They went to the class regularly until close to her due date.

He thought Jo would love being a mother. When the baby was finally born, she cut herself from the rest of the world. For the first few months, James had been the one who took care of Jackson. He fed him, burped him, changed his diapers, and played with him. Jo only did about twenty percent of that. When she brought up the separation, it enraged James. After all that he had done without a single complaint, she dropped that bomb on him. She claimed numerous times that it was for the best and that she would be able to take better care of Jackson if they were apart. James found it so hard to believe that she could take care of another life when she couldn't even take care of herself.

After weeks of convincing, James halfheartedly agreed. He didn't know what else to do at that point. He tried so hard to fix something that wasn't broken in the first place and now he was paying the price for it.

-

"What the--"

James turned around to see Jo, wide eyed and surprised at what she had done.

"James, I-I'm sorry. Oh my God, the baby. Oh my God the-" James shushed her and continued to rock the baby in his arms.

"The baby is fine," he said. "What the hell was that?"

"I'm sorry," Jo apologized again. "I thought you were someone else. I got worried for a second."

James put Jackson back in his crib and watched as he relaxed on the soft cushion. He turned to Jo again and lead her out of the room. He quietly closed the door behind them before looking at his wife.

"Wanna tell me what happened there?" James jerked his head in the direction of the kitchen.

Jo sighed and raked her fingers through her messy hair. "I told you, I don't know. It's probably nothing. Just stressed with everything maybe."

"It's something if you just explode over a couple of used paper plates," James stood with his hands on his hips, trying to understand and read her like he could before. He really looked at her, searching for some sort of answer. A smile or a frown usually gave it away but not this time. Her face was blank, emotions out of the window like it had been for months.

"Your mom said you haven't been eating or sleeping. You won't talk to anyone. You won't even talk to the baby sometimes," James continued. "It's something when you're slowly killing yourself and you're not even aware of it."

A flood of emotions passed through her eyes. Was it anger? Sadness? James wasn't sure. But then those emotions faded in a second. The moment he blinked, he saw the same blank stare she had.

"I eat and I sleep. I talk to my parents. I talk to Edith. I talk to my fucking baby. So I don't know what the hell you're talking about," she growled, though her face didn't show it. "All of you talk to me like I'm a goddamn child when I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself."

"Your mom thinks you're depressed," James blurted out. He didn't mean on bringing it up ever especially if what her mom said was true. Not being able to take his words back, he continued, "She thinks it might be uh...I forgot the word umm...I think it was something about being depressed after giving birth."

"Postpartum depression," Jo mumbled.

"What was that?" James leaned in to hear her better.

"I'm not depressed! Don't you think I would know that?" She cried out, not repeating what she said.

"Some people are not aware of how they feel when they're in that situation, Jo." He reasoned.

Jo laughed bitterly, "HA! Who are you? Dr. Phil? I don't need you or my mom or anyone else using your bullshit psychology on me like I'm some kind of maniac! I'm not going to lock myself in the damn bathroom and overdose on pills like a moron."

Calmly, James replied, "Depression doesn't always result in suicide, Jo and I'm not saying you're suicidal. I just think that maybe after having the baby, you're not really happy anymore and that's OK. If you're not happy, I can help you. We can help you. Me, Edith, my parents, your parents. We could all help."

James didn't know much about being depressed, let alone depression after childbirth, but he had heard the news about guys in the league like Rick Rypien, Derek Boogaard, and Wade Belak. He knew that their situation was completely different from what he was dealing with when it came to Jo but now he sympathized with them as well as their family and friends after realizing how difficult it was to deal with such a thing. He had some general knowledge about the means of being depressed and understood how serious it was when left alone. From what he gathered, all the signs and symptoms that Jo projected coincided with the list he had read regarding depression. When Anna, Jo's mom, told him about the possibility of depression after giving birth and the signs connected to it, he put the pieces together.

Jo shook her head, "I've taken care of your child for the past year without a single problem. No need to worry about me now."

"If you don't take care of yourself, it'll impact Jackson and that's something we don't want to happen."

"Then take him! Take him back to Nashville! I don't care! Just as long as you all just leave me alone!"

"Do you hear yourself? You don't care about the baby? That's the kind of shit we're talking about. One minute you're begging me to stay with you and then you're telling me to leave you alone the next. What you're saying is not normal!" James argued. "Just a couple of months ago you were so fucking eager to get out of Nash and take Jackson away and now you want to just give him back like you're just fucking returning a shirt. That's sick, Jo. You're sick."

"Fuck you!" She yelled, slapping him across the face and made a run for the stairs.

"Jo!" James called out, going after her.

She turned to look at him, tears blurring her vision, before she missed the last few steps and toppled down the stairs. She fell, head first, immediately feeling the intense beating ringing in her ears. Her vision blurred more before her eyes slowly closed.

"Jo!" He screamed.

"What happened?" Anna emerged from their bedroom and saw that her daughter had passed out at the end of the stairs with James nearly tumbling down as well trying to get to her.

"Oh my God," she rushed down.

"Jo, Johanna," James pleaded, lightly slapping her cheek in attempt to help her regain consciousness. "Wake up. Baby, wake up. Come on, wake up!"

"Oh my God, should I call 911?" Anna said frantically.

John, Jo's dad, followed with his car keys ready in his hand after seeing what happened. He tried to remain as calm as possible, keeping everyone in check. "You stay here with the baby," he told his wife and then turned to James. "There's no time to call 911, get her in the car and we'll rush her to the ER."

James picked up Jo and saw the red covering his hand that held her head. "She's bleeding! Fuck, she's bleeding."

"Take off your jacket and press it firmly on her head. We have to go right now!" John instructed and pushed them in the direction of the car.

On the way to the hospital, John looked at his son-in-law in the rear view mirror holding his daughter. He saw the nervous look in his eyes as he continued to press his jacket against her head while stroking her pale face.

"She'll be alright, son," John assured him. It was the first time he had ever said anything civilized towards him. "She's a fighter. She doesn't give up that quickly."