‹ Prequel: The Alexander Swallowtail
Crush, Crush
Ten
I couldn't begin to describe how fast my heart sunk as I woke to find that Gerard was no longer by my side. My eyes felt strained as I opened them up to the light pouring in through the cheap curtains that dressed the window and I knew I'd be suffering throughout the morning for the stupid amount of drinking I'd done the night before. It was funny how in even the early moments of the day after I could tell myself that I hadn't needed to drink so much, and that I'd never do it again.
I'd broken a lot of those kinds of promises to myself over the years. My favourite was always "next time, I'll know better."
There would of course always be a next time. Of all the substances I'd managed to kick, alcohol still held a strong place in my deadly trinity, my other two addictions being of course to coffee and cigarettes. But pray, find me a single person that wasn't addicted to something that was bad for them. I needed it to get though the day. To get through life.
I eventually managed to get myself up and into the shower before Clarissa found me in her bed feeling sorry for myself and started piecing things together, as she does. I heard her come in, I assumed to start packing, as I was half done washing my hair. I made a note to hurry up, as I hadn’t checked the time.
“Apparently you had a bit to drink last night." I was sure it was obvious by the state I was in as I near-killed myself stumbling over my own suitcase. I didn’t say anything. "Oh, Alison, I'm sorry I left you there. I should have known better."
“It's not your fault. And besides, Gerard ended up looking after me. I guess he understands it all...” I noticed the concern disappear from her face to be replaced with something else. I couldn’t quite pick it.
“Yeah he mentioned that. I just had breakfast with him and Mikey. He told me you probably needed to sleep in.” Although I was glad for the extra hour of sleep, I was now starving. “I worry about you, you know.”
“It’s all anyone seems to do.”
“No really, Alison.” I groaned as I began to untangle my hair whilst simultaneously packing my things roughly into my suitcase. She dropped the subject then, though didn’t seem too happy about it. I threw my comb into my suitcase as the last item and zipped it all up, then waited for her to finish folding her clothes into hers.
I was already getting fed up of the tour bus. I wondered how they survived their longer tours until it dawned on me that there would be times they wouldn’t use a bus at all when travelling from country to country every other day. That seemed like it’d be much worse, landing in a different time zone every day. We were only another state over with each stop.
The boys had decided that playing loud video games on the bus was a terrific way to make time fly as they battled one another in the game, with the occasional friendly tackle on the couch as someone supposedly cheated. My headache had been clearing but even Clarissa was looking like she wanted to stab each one of them every time they jumped up off the couch to celebrate a win. Gerard had stepped out a little while ago to join us on the other end of the couch where we were reading to sketch in his sketchpad, the one he’d warned everyone not to touch the first time he’d pulled it out of his bag. I admired that he still found the time to draw.
“I’m sorry about last night, by the way. We should have asked if it was okay if we switched rooms first.”
“It’s fine,” Gerard commented, not taking his eyes from the page. “We were back later anyway. We only would have woken the two of you coming in.”
“If you say so…”
“I had Alison to look after, anyway.” His eyes lifted up to rest on mine, seeing the anger rise in my face, before returning to his sketch.
“No one said you had to look after me. I can look after myself.”
“Mmm… and you were doing such a fine job of that. You ought to be more careful, or who knows who you might have woken up beside this morning...” The cheeky grin that crept onto his face had me simultaneously blushing from both anger and embarrassment. Clarissa’s jaw had visibly dropped at his comment. I wasn’t sure how to respond, or if I could even manage it. It seemed the appropriate response would have been to leap over Clarissa and start strangling the life out of Gerard until that smirk had faded, but I managed to contain myself.
“How can you speak to her like that, Gerard? Given your history of waking up next to people.” Gerard’s eyes lifted once again, warning Clarissa not to continue, but it was too late. She was fired up now. “Remember that time you took a fucking groupie half way around Europe with us? Remember the two girls you assured us were definitely not prostitutes as you handed them cash? Remember–”
“That’s enough,” he growled, his voice low in his throat. “I’m aware I have my own demons. That doesn’t mean I can’t comment on others’.”
“You’re unbelievable!”
“All I’m saying is that Alison should be fucking careful with herself, alright!?” It was at this point we’d realised the boys had stopped playing their game, their eyes moving between the three of us as they waited for the next line of amusement. Gerard got up then and I watched as he climbed into his bunk, angrily drawing the curtains across. Clarissa looked a little sad at that. What I was sure he’d meant as a playful comment had turned into an attack on his person. I got up to crawl into my own bunk, taking my book with me so it looked like I was doing something when really, I’d just wanted a quiet place to think.
I must have fallen asleep as I found myself awoken suddenly as a ball of paper hit my forehead. Looking around, I saw Gerard peering out from behind the curtain, motioning for me to find the paper. I grabbed it and unfolded it, reading what he’d written down inside.
“We should talk.”
Following that was what I assumed to be his mobile number. I grabbed my phone from its place inside my pillow case and punched in Gerard’s number before messaging him back.
“What about?”
“You know I didn’t mean my comment to come across to you like it did, yeah?”
“Of course. I wasn’t sure if it was an inside joke or something I could share with everyone else.”
Was it a secret that we’d shared a bed? Was it even something we needed to keep from other people? Would anyone care?
“Dunno.”
As per usual, Gerard was very helpful in helping me sort my thoughts. I jumped as a second message came a couple minutes later.
“The things she said… do they make me a bad person?”
I was sure it was more complicated than how Clarissa had put things. Gerard seemed a fairly level-headed individual. I was sure he didn’t intend to get himself into so much trouble. Albeit, the things he’d allegedly done did make me a little uncomfortable, as the things I’d done in the past would likely make him feel in return. We were different people to how we perceived one another. Sometimes, I worried he’d think much less of me if he knew who I’d really become. I wasn’t the same Alison he’d grown up with. I think he was beginning to see that.
“You are who you are, Gerard.”
I'd broken a lot of those kinds of promises to myself over the years. My favourite was always "next time, I'll know better."
There would of course always be a next time. Of all the substances I'd managed to kick, alcohol still held a strong place in my deadly trinity, my other two addictions being of course to coffee and cigarettes. But pray, find me a single person that wasn't addicted to something that was bad for them. I needed it to get though the day. To get through life.
I eventually managed to get myself up and into the shower before Clarissa found me in her bed feeling sorry for myself and started piecing things together, as she does. I heard her come in, I assumed to start packing, as I was half done washing my hair. I made a note to hurry up, as I hadn’t checked the time.
“Apparently you had a bit to drink last night." I was sure it was obvious by the state I was in as I near-killed myself stumbling over my own suitcase. I didn’t say anything. "Oh, Alison, I'm sorry I left you there. I should have known better."
“It's not your fault. And besides, Gerard ended up looking after me. I guess he understands it all...” I noticed the concern disappear from her face to be replaced with something else. I couldn’t quite pick it.
“Yeah he mentioned that. I just had breakfast with him and Mikey. He told me you probably needed to sleep in.” Although I was glad for the extra hour of sleep, I was now starving. “I worry about you, you know.”
“It’s all anyone seems to do.”
“No really, Alison.” I groaned as I began to untangle my hair whilst simultaneously packing my things roughly into my suitcase. She dropped the subject then, though didn’t seem too happy about it. I threw my comb into my suitcase as the last item and zipped it all up, then waited for her to finish folding her clothes into hers.
I was already getting fed up of the tour bus. I wondered how they survived their longer tours until it dawned on me that there would be times they wouldn’t use a bus at all when travelling from country to country every other day. That seemed like it’d be much worse, landing in a different time zone every day. We were only another state over with each stop.
The boys had decided that playing loud video games on the bus was a terrific way to make time fly as they battled one another in the game, with the occasional friendly tackle on the couch as someone supposedly cheated. My headache had been clearing but even Clarissa was looking like she wanted to stab each one of them every time they jumped up off the couch to celebrate a win. Gerard had stepped out a little while ago to join us on the other end of the couch where we were reading to sketch in his sketchpad, the one he’d warned everyone not to touch the first time he’d pulled it out of his bag. I admired that he still found the time to draw.
“I’m sorry about last night, by the way. We should have asked if it was okay if we switched rooms first.”
“It’s fine,” Gerard commented, not taking his eyes from the page. “We were back later anyway. We only would have woken the two of you coming in.”
“If you say so…”
“I had Alison to look after, anyway.” His eyes lifted up to rest on mine, seeing the anger rise in my face, before returning to his sketch.
“No one said you had to look after me. I can look after myself.”
“Mmm… and you were doing such a fine job of that. You ought to be more careful, or who knows who you might have woken up beside this morning...” The cheeky grin that crept onto his face had me simultaneously blushing from both anger and embarrassment. Clarissa’s jaw had visibly dropped at his comment. I wasn’t sure how to respond, or if I could even manage it. It seemed the appropriate response would have been to leap over Clarissa and start strangling the life out of Gerard until that smirk had faded, but I managed to contain myself.
“How can you speak to her like that, Gerard? Given your history of waking up next to people.” Gerard’s eyes lifted once again, warning Clarissa not to continue, but it was too late. She was fired up now. “Remember that time you took a fucking groupie half way around Europe with us? Remember the two girls you assured us were definitely not prostitutes as you handed them cash? Remember–”
“That’s enough,” he growled, his voice low in his throat. “I’m aware I have my own demons. That doesn’t mean I can’t comment on others’.”
“You’re unbelievable!”
“All I’m saying is that Alison should be fucking careful with herself, alright!?” It was at this point we’d realised the boys had stopped playing their game, their eyes moving between the three of us as they waited for the next line of amusement. Gerard got up then and I watched as he climbed into his bunk, angrily drawing the curtains across. Clarissa looked a little sad at that. What I was sure he’d meant as a playful comment had turned into an attack on his person. I got up to crawl into my own bunk, taking my book with me so it looked like I was doing something when really, I’d just wanted a quiet place to think.
I must have fallen asleep as I found myself awoken suddenly as a ball of paper hit my forehead. Looking around, I saw Gerard peering out from behind the curtain, motioning for me to find the paper. I grabbed it and unfolded it, reading what he’d written down inside.
“We should talk.”
Following that was what I assumed to be his mobile number. I grabbed my phone from its place inside my pillow case and punched in Gerard’s number before messaging him back.
“What about?”
“You know I didn’t mean my comment to come across to you like it did, yeah?”
“Of course. I wasn’t sure if it was an inside joke or something I could share with everyone else.”
Was it a secret that we’d shared a bed? Was it even something we needed to keep from other people? Would anyone care?
“Dunno.”
As per usual, Gerard was very helpful in helping me sort my thoughts. I jumped as a second message came a couple minutes later.
“The things she said… do they make me a bad person?”
I was sure it was more complicated than how Clarissa had put things. Gerard seemed a fairly level-headed individual. I was sure he didn’t intend to get himself into so much trouble. Albeit, the things he’d allegedly done did make me a little uncomfortable, as the things I’d done in the past would likely make him feel in return. We were different people to how we perceived one another. Sometimes, I worried he’d think much less of me if he knew who I’d really become. I wasn’t the same Alison he’d grown up with. I think he was beginning to see that.
“You are who you are, Gerard.”