Crush, Crush

I recalled there being a time when Clarissa and I hadn't got along, back when she and Mikey had started dating and made my life a temporary hell. Now, as we made our way through the Art Gallery and I listened to her discussing her love of the subject, it was hard to imagine we'd ever been anything but friends.

We grabbed lunch at the gallery before making our way back to the hotel where we waited for the boys to turn back up once they were done promoting their album across radio stations and providing interviews to various magazines. Clarissa and I had been sharing a room, which left Mikey to share with Gerard. I wasn't sure about the others. I figured they were trying to reduce their tour costs, or perhaps that they'd only been able to book a certain number of rooms at the time. Not that I minded sharing with Clarissa. It felt nice to be having a sleepover of sorts again. She was showering and getting ready to go out as I flipped through channels on the TV, patiently waiting to have my turn in the bathroom. Nothing was on. Typical.

It wasn't too long before the boys were back; we'd heard them arrive with all the noise out in the hotel corridor. Well, all of Frank's noise, anyway, and the others telling him to be quiet.

We went out to a little restaurant just off the main street for dinner, taking a table outside under the patio. Ray and Matt, neither of whom I'd come to know very well just yet, were sat at the opposite end, which I was partially thankful for. After spending the day out with Clarissa, I wasn't really in the mood to be out, much less to be making new friends. If I were being honest, the only reason I was there at all was because Gerard had invited me. I felt almost sickened by my actions, wanting to go back to the hotel now more than before.

"So what did you girls get up to today?" Mikey asked, and Clarissa proceeded to tell him every detail. When their conversation moved to talk about how Clarissa wanted to take her students to the local art gallery, I took the opportunity to phase myself out of their chatter. I could feel Gerard's eyes on me occasionally as we ate, wondering what his deal was until he finally brought it up.

"You're quiet." I stopped picking at my salad for a moment to look up from my plate at Gerard, whose careful gaze was still upon me.

"I haven't had much sleep the last couple days."

"Well I can't blame you there. The tour bus is a bit like a water bed and hotels are... well, lonely places, I guess."

"You're not wrong." Though I didn't exactly miss sleeping alone in my own home, the sound of dogs barking as cats prowled the neighbourhood and car tyres screeching as idiots did burnouts at 3 AM not something anyone would desire more than a quiet hotel room.

"We're home in a little over a week now. I'm counting the days already."

"Why such a short tour?" Gerard shrugged.

"Lots of reasons. We've already toured our last album in the states, so this is just something extra, perhaps for those that missed out on the first run, you know? Besides, Mikey and Clarissa have doctor's appointments that Mikey refuses to miss, and Ray reckons he needs some time off to spend with his girlfriend. Personally, I didn't want to be on the road for too long again anyway."

"Why's that?" I thought back to what Clarissa had said about the trouble Gerard seemed to get himself in on tour and wondered if he'd wanted to avoid it.

"I'm still a little afraid I'll make a mess of things if I'm away from home for too long. I came very close last time. Things are too tempting, and trouble finds me well. It follows me home. I... don't suppose that makes much sense to you," Gerard realised, and stopped talking about it for a while. "I'm back living at my own place now and I'd very much like to keep that up. To not fuck it up this time. I feel stronger than before," he added quietly. I watched as his eyes darted away from mine and listened as he awkwardly cleared his throat. "Best not to discuss that here." I nodded, and tried to make as much sense as I could from his words as they swam around my mind. I didn't like to imagine that Gerard was still a rather sad person inside, after all that he'd achieved.

---

It was nearing dusk by the time we got to the bar Gerard had spoken of. We ended up walking there straight from the restaurant, filling the streets on the way with boisterous laughter, most of which had been Frank's. I admired his energy, if nothing else, as I struggled to pull a smile.

The boys ended up finding a darkened corner of the bar to sit in as Clarissa and I went to the bathroom. I felt a little bad in that she couldn't drink with everyone else and almost wanted to stay sober with her to keep her company, but I knew I'd never make it through the night like that. I ordered a beer the instant I got to the bar and skulled half right where I stood, telling myself it'd help calm me down and make socialising a little easier on the brain.

"Whoa, slow down there," Gerard said, tilting the bottle back down and away from my eager lips. "Could I get two waters please?" he called over me, and passed a glass my way once they came.

"I almost forgot you don't drink anymore," I blurted out, unsure as to whether it was a sore point for him. Unsure of anything at all. Something flashed through his eyes, a memory, perhaps, before he let out the smallest of laughs.

"It's almost a pity you left Jersey all those years ago. You would have witnessed a lot. Perhaps we could have helped one another, and Clarissa wouldn't have needed to waste her time helping the both of us out as she did." My stomach wasn't sure how to handle that, and on top of the beer I'd just guzzled. Helped one another. Almost a pity. I wondered then if he was glad I'd moved away. He seemed to sense the path my mind had wandered down, his expression softening dramatically. "Alison... Don't be that way. It was a long time ago. It's water under the bridge." I flashed him my best forced smile.

"Of course! But let's not talk about the past tonight," I suggested, and Gerard nodded in agreement. I grabbed another beer before I left the bar to join the others to avoid getting back up so soon, ignoring the disapproving look Gerard was giving me as he waited by my side.

---

I could only barely see straight by this point and was almost certain that if I'd have got up to stand, I would have crumpled to the floor. But I knew I wasn't in any danger as I heard familiar voices all around me, Frank's piercing giggle making me wince once again as it sounded right in my ear.

"Look how wasted she is!" he said, shaking my shoulder slightly as he drew everyone's attention to me. I laughed along with him but died a little inside as I reminded myself once more of what I used to be, and of how it was creeping back up on me. I wanted to find Clarissa and ask if she could take me home, but her face didn't appear as a blur around the table I was at. I recalled she'd dragged Mikey onto the dance floor much earlier and couldn't remember having seen either one of them since. Perhaps they'd already gone back to the hotel.

A smear of red passed across my vision briefly, the visual to the siren that was going off in my head as I'd instinctively gone to take another gulp of beer. There was a glass of water in my hand now. The siren was sat beside me.

"Drink," it ordered, and I did. I knew what was best for me. I'd emptied the glass in no time and very slowly, things were clearing up around me as people continued to talk and laugh and I pretended to pay attention. I found my glass replaced with a fresh one. The sirens had finally stopped sounding. Crisis averted.

It was late when we finally left the pub as a group, minus Mikey and Clarissa who had been the butt end of many jokes on our walk back to the hotel. Gerard's attempt at defending his brother was all but useless as everything he said only ended up as ammunition to Frank's quick mouth. I was hardly paying attention anymore by the time the hotel was in view. Gerard put his arm around me as we ascended the steps outside, and gently let me go as we entered the elevator and pressed our floor numbers once inside. I looked away from the mirrored walls as I realised I was blushing, hoping no one else had noticed, and distracted myself by finding my key card I was thankful for not having lost. I could only hope I wouldn’t be waking Clarissa up. Ray and Matt got off first, their floor the one below ours. We said our tired goodnights. I followed behind Frank and Gerard as I heard the ping for our floor.

"I'll see you in the morning, Frankie. 10 AM rise, yeah?" Gerard stopped walking as he got to his hotel room door and a strange look crossed his face.

"Did you forget your key?" Frank was giggling now as he passed Gerard, finding the idea hilarious. I, however, had seen the tie hung over the door handle before Gerard had pulled it off and screwed his face up in disgust. Frank could only laugh harder now as he doubled over where he stood.

"No way! Mikey!"

"Shh!" Gerard warned, looking about ready to strangle him. Frank's giggling died down and he slipped into the doorway of his room, silently laughing as he watched Gerard stand there, deciding what to do.

"You can take Clarissa's bed?" I'd meant to sound sure in my suggestion, though it came out as more of a question. Frank had stopped laughing in the background as he watched Gerard follow me down the hall after a moment. I was glad to be rid of his curious gaze once I closed the door behind us.

"I can't believe that kid," Gerard said, gently throwing the tie down beside Clarissa's suitcase. I decided I'd rather not talk about Mikey's sex-life, or anyone's sex-life for that matter as Gerard turned on one of the bedside lamps so he could turn off the light. I sat down on the bed I'd claimed as mine the previous night and realised how much I'd actually had to drink now that the world was still yet the room was spinning. Gerard was staring across at me as I held my head in despair, trying to keep it together for a little longer so I could sleep.

"Do you always drink so much?" he suddenly asked, worry in his tone.

"Not in a while. Not like that," I replied. I got up to use the bathroom, listening to Gerard as he berated me through the door.

"It's not good for you to do this to yourself, you know. And it's dangerous. What if we'd have lost sight of you in there?" I rolled my eyes.

"There were maybe 15 other people in the bar, Gerard. I was perfectly safe." Though I wasn't sure a larger crowd would have deterred me. The truth was, I'd needed to lose my mind in there. Just a little, and only for a while. But as I stood in the bathroom, all the thoughts I'd been trying to forget had come rushing back. I splashed a decent amount of water on my face before coming back out, finding Gerard standing right in the doorway.

"I'm worried about you," he said softly. I watched as he brought a hand up to wipe the wet hair I'd accidentally splashed out of my face. "I thought Clarissa said you were better now."

"This is better, Gerard. Trust me on that one..."

"If you say so," he sighed, then walked past me to use the bathroom himself. I took a moment to change into a nightshirt and some shorts, feeling self-conscious all of a sudden. I couldn't shake how stupidly familiar everything suddenly felt, and yet, nothing was the same.

"Are you alright?" Gerard asked as he returned. I hadn't even heard him walk out. He sat opposite me on Clarissa's bed and looked down to his hands as I did to my own.

"Do you really think we could have helped one another? I mean, with the paths we both took..." Gerard shook his head.

"You said you didn't want to talk about the past."

"Just the one question, Gerard." He was silent for a long while.

"I don't know. I try not to think about it, to be honest. It was a very dark time in my life and I'm still coming out of it... as you appear to be yours."

"I'll be okay."

"I sure hope so, Sugar. Get some rest, yeah?" Gerard turned around to turn the light off then and after the sound of a zipper and the rustling of sheets, all was painfully silent once more. I should have kept drinking, I thought, as at least then I'd have passed out by now.

"Do you remember the butterfly, Gerard?" He didn't reply as I lie there waiting for the longest time, and I thought he'd fallen asleep. "I still have it, you know..."

"I know," came his gentle voice from the bed beside me. My heart almost stopped beating as I tried to determine what he meant. He knew? He knew. Which was funny really, because no one else did.

"Gerard?"

"Mmm?"

"Do you remember those nights we used to spend together, back when we were just two lonely kids trying to get through another day?" I waited in the dark for his reply once again, but it didn't come in the form of words. Instead, through the dim light from the alarm clock, I watched as Gerard lifted one arm up, making a space beside himself.

"Come on then. I could use a cuddle, too, if that's all this is." That's all it ever was. I lifted myself out of bed and gently sat where Gerard lay, closing my eyes as he immediately pulled me in. I tried to wish my heart to stop thudding so loudly in my chest to no avail as Gerard let his lips rest against the curve of my neck where he slept. Some things were still the same, after all.